(#00011)

“He’s gone to ground in something called jen-ra-con,” The Professor frowned. “Either I’m getting a lot of static or… something is wrong. Nobody there looked at all human.”

Sara glared at him. “You’re kidding me. This high a concentration of freaks and weirdos and none of you has heard of Genracon? The biggest month-long geek-out known to fandomkind?”

“I heard of it,” said Kurt.

“Trek, who, scape, wars or five?” challenged Sara.

“I understood each of those words,” said Hank, “but together they make no sense at all.”

“They’re speaking in tongues,” whispered Kitty. “It like, makes sense to them.”

“All of the above, some FF, and a britcom called Red Dwarf,” answered Kurt.

Sara grinned. “Got a costume?”

“Mind OC’s? Because this body generally gets typecast…”

“I could probably turn you into a cursed elfin mage with half of my culch…”

“Babe, you could turn *everyone* into somepin’ with yo'r culch,” said Todd.

“Challenge accepted.” Sara grinned and cracked her knuckles.

“…uh oh…”

*

“I can not believe we’re doing this,” said Jean. She was wearing the two-part Next-generation costume. A series she at least recognized and could pass most of the general knowledge questions. Her brief was to play the ditzy first-timer to the hilt.

“Sara is… very persuasive.” He was currently a klingon. He didn’t know what to say to her comments that he ‘had the wrong body type for Davros’.

“I do have to say her costume choices for us are… skewed,” noted Ororo. She wore a regal satin dress that had been augmented with occult-looking jewelry and a cloak. The staff she carried with her had some interesting augmentation as well.

“I’d say it has something to do with revenge on male-centric costuming choices in general and using us as placards.” He had a ratty-looking loincloth and a fang necklace with similarly-decorated ugg boots. Everything else was bare.

“At least y'all know who you are. Ah dunno if I’m Morticia or Elvira…”

“Given those nails?” said Hank, “I’d posit you were Vampira, of Plan Nine fame.”

“…who from whut?”

“…oy…”

“At least I can wear mine on the street,” said Scott. He came off as a rather weedy Terminator.

“Apparently we’re going on the street like this anyway. Part of an activity called 'freaking the mundanes’…” said Hank.

The elevator opened, revealing Kurt in piratical getup. “Sara changed her mind. There’s already a mage in the party and this is more… 'me’.”

“Those had better be nerf swords…”

“…'estheyare…”

Kitty, in a different Starfleet uniform and an interesting bun, asked, “How do I look and like, who’s Captain Janeway?”

Another elevator pinged, allowing a tall figure in a concealing cloak to emerge.

Other con-goers, for some reason, hushed and readied their cameras.

The cloak swept of in one dramatic shove, revealing Sara, clad only in a few lengths of diaphanous drapery, an ornate headdress and apparently a small ton of jewelry.

“I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!”

Todd emerged in cardboard armor, brandishing a redecorated super-soaker. “Show obeisance to her majesty!”

Hoots, cheers, and a sparkle of flashes.

“What?” said Jean.

“You should know by now that Sara is a master of obscure cinema. And getting ice-cold revenge.”

Indeed. Sara and her loyal guardsman were the centre of attention. Jean was just another redshirt in the crowd.

“Below zero kelvin,” Jean mumured.

*

“Can we take your photo?”

“Can I give you a hug?”

“Love the tail…”

Kurt grinned. “Ladies,” he threw his arms wide, “you can even kiss me.” Aw yeah. Chicks dig the fuzzy dude.

*

“Yo. So… what’re we doin’?" 

"Aside from checking out the merch? We’re the obvious distraction. Kitty and Jean are the covert team. They’ll find our mutant miscreant and safely knock him out.”

“…and then?”

“And then I’m going to hassle John Barrowman and his kissing booth.”

“Giving him improv, I hope.”

“Improv… and with your permission, a squeeze on his ass.”

(#00010)

“On the plus side, that outfit looks better.”

Sara continued to glare daggers at Forge. She -currently ‘he’, if only physically- did look trim and toned in what could only be described as an olive-khaki swimsuit without the shoulder straps.

Todd did not look any better as a girl, either. His/her uniform was not flattering on either gender. “Dayumn, this does make my ass look big…”

“It shouldn’t matter for much longer,” Iced Sara. “Should it, Mister Walkingbird?” The 'Mister Walkingbird’ was a warning signal. If things went on too long, then the dreaded full name might just emerge.

Sara found out things like this.

“I’m still looking for my notes! I think I might have messed this up on the chromosomal level.”

“What was yo’ first hint?” growled Toad. S/He had emerged from the transporter as a DD cup. And with no bra. He was having a very painful time with both arms crossed underneath his new bosom.

“Do you want me to fix this or not?” Forge demanded.

Sara fumed. “I could help you find your notes… All this space needs is a little… organization…”

Sara wanting to organise things was almost as terrifying as her using his full name. “Okay, okay, okay! I’m moving, I’m moving!”

(#00009)

Hwell Barrow, bored and forbidden from talking to anyone outside of the hostel in person, was channel surfing the local entertainment feeds. At least Ax'and'l had forgotten about requesting an absence of mini-bar, thus lending an element of entertainment to his otherwise dull evening.

That green stuff. It really packed a whallop.

He didn’t understand a word they were saying. But that didn’t stop him making up stories as he watched. Two green things with violently vibrant plumage were whistling the advantages of something colorful and apparently bendy.

Maybe it was a cooking apparatus? The stuff they were smearing on it looked kinda yummy….

Mmmm… cheese waffles…

After twenty minutes, the violently vibrant hosts still hadn’t shut up about it, leaving Hwell plenty of time to divine which series of symbols was the comms number, and then how to call them up on their awkward comms system.

It took him three goes to get someone who spoke Standard.

“Them things they’re hootin’ ‘bout onna screen. I wanna buttload of 'em. How much izzit?”

*

Ax'and'l glared at the grinning human. The redness in the mammal’s face was a display of mortification. Reflex.

“What. The. Flakk.” He sighed again at the pile of packaging. “I made sure you were locked in the hostel room. How did you get into this much debt?”

Hwell winced. Evidently, things were too loud. “I was… watchin’ th’ local feeds? An’ then I found the green stuff… An’ after that it’s all a blur…”

Ax'and'l felt some of Hwell’s hangover by osmosis. “Do you even know what you bought?”

“Uh. Cheese waffle makers?”

Ax'and'l felt his own reflex mortification reaction rising against his will. “They’re not for preparing food,” he said. “They’re… sex… aids…”

“They don’t have to always be that… do they?” whimpered Hwell.

(#00008)

Presented here for your education, a man who should have been aware of the axiom, “Be careful what you wish for.” John neglected to think first and wish later, and now he is destined to live the rest of his life… in the Twilight Zone.

John staggers down the street. It would be hard for the casual observer to guess that he had once been a doctor. Or even a man of high class. His eyes are ringed with the stigmata of sleeplessness. He mutters, seemingly to himself.

His most common disjointed phrase is, “You’re welcome.” It is oft-times sarcastic. His second most common phrase is, “excuse yourself.”

When asked who he is talking to, he stares at the questioner in puzzlement before asking in turn, “Can’t you hear the fleas?”

He is a walking wreck of a man, barely able to keep himself fed.

Strays follow him everywhere. He is very good at mumping food from every street vendor, restaurant and halfway house in London. But he, himself, is starving.

His friends, the mange-ridden, flea farms of London are all hungry. He can not ignore their cries.

All he wanted to do was talk to the animals.

(#00007)

“IT’S ALIVE! IT’S ALIVE!”

“Yes, master.” Igor had always agreed that being agreeable lead to a longer life. Broaching the niggling little problem in a delicate way was going to be… problematic at best.

“Go, my beautiful creation! Go and create marvellous havoc on those unsuspecting rubes!”

The creature lurched off the slab, belched fire, and said, “Baaa?”

Of all the mad geniuses to sign up with, he had to pick the one who came from a family of shepherds.

“Master?”

“Yes, Igor?”

“I think you may have locked the door, master.”

“What of it?”

“The only door in and out of this lab, master…”

“I’m well aware.”

“The one… on the other side of the room, master.”

With a freshly woken man-eating ungulate (fire-breathing) between themselves and safety.

“Baaa?”

(#00006)

“I’m dangerous,” said Claire. “You shouldn’t be around me.”

“I don’t care,” Tracy sobbed. “I love you and you can’t send me away.”

“At least keep your distance. I can’t control what I do under the full moon. Please, Tracy.”

Tracy did not want to let go. “Why? What happens during a full moon?”

Claire pushed her away. “Too late. Run. Get away.” Her body was already warping. Changing. Growing…

Scalier?

Tracy stopped at the doorway, looking back as Claire warped and transformed into…

“A giant Iguana? But I love iguanas!”

Iguana-Claire made a sort of ‘Gronk’ noise and started creating a nest out of her former clothes.

Oh right. Claire the fashion-proud. For her, this would be a horror.

(#00005)

“I don’t know why I agreed to this,” grumbled Rael.

“It’s all ye can eat sushi, what’s not t’ love?” Shayde primped, using her reflection in the sneeze guard as a mirror. “Is he here yet? Can you see him?”

“Nobody is wearing any variety of dead foliage.”

“Pink carnation. It’s a flower. Flowers are prettier.” Shayde evidently gave up on getting her flyaway hair to behave itself and started attacking her clothes. “Ye sure I look all righ’?”

Rael sighed. If it wasn’t for the free food… “You are currently aesthetically pleasing in all respects. Your body is clear evidence of physical fitness and the perfect shape to suit you.”

“You say the nicest things,” Shayde deadpanned.

“Oh dear,” Rael pointed.

The cogniscent entering the bar was wearing all fourteen items currently identified in the Galactic Standard Dictionary as a ‘carnation’. All of them were pink. None of them were a flower.

“At least she’s enthusiastic,” offered Rael.

“Aw, puir darlin’,” whimpered Shayde, whose accent always got worse when she was flustered. “How do I break it to her I’m cishet?”

Challenge #00004: They Fight Crime (made rebloggable by request)

Romance springs up between the newbie medical examiner and the girl who runs a crime scene cleanup company (female/female pairing)

First crime scene. Ever. Nobody else had to know this. Just walk like you own the place. Act like you belong. Check out the corpse, note any significant details and toddle on back to the office. No big deal.

Alice thusly walked with confidence until she encountered the first thing nobody told her.

Death has a smell.

The bodies in anatomy and dissection classes were sanitized. They had the subtle odor of death, because nobody can really stop it. This was a full on reek, with all the nastiness associated with subsequent decay and noisome fluids.

It was so horrible that it almost qualified as toxic.

Alice swallowed her rising gorge, mentally running through the gamut of things to do when one doesn’t want to be seen throwing up in front of one’s co-workers.

“First day?”

Her blush struggled with the fact that all her blood was rushing to her digestive system. “…’es…”

“Try this.” A white-gloved hand offered a pot of what appeared to be vaseline, but held a different odor entirely. One from Alice’s own childhood.

“Vick’s Vaporub?”

“Stick a little under your nose. Overwhelms the senses.” The speaker offering the pot was short and entirely shrouded in what Alice thought of as street-available hasmat gear. White overalls with an elastic hood. Rubber boots and latex gloves. Industrial filter mask. Safety goggles.

“Is the scene hazardous?” Alice took a small glob and discretely applied it.

“No, this is my work uniform. Cordelia Knight. Forensic cleaning services.”

“Alice Daye. Medical Examiner. I thought you guys turned up… after.”

“There’s a first time for everything,” said Ms Knight. “My client hired me to clean and refurbish a place he’d inherited. Unfortunately, he hadn’t inspected it first. The former occupant was still there.”

Alice put on her own mask, gloves and booties, whipping her hair into the net she carried for the purpose. The less of herself that got into a scene, the better. “You’re already dressed for the occasion, Ms Knight. Would you walk me through your… procedures?”

The eyes underneath the safety goggles smiled. Alex followed her on the tour. “We document everything in my line of work. I already gave Lieutenant Bothari my camera. Every photo is time and date stamped. As you can see, I thought this was just another hoarder’s cave.”

One side of the room was literally stacked floor to ceiling with periodicals. Newspapers and magazines. Sorted by issue title. The other half was noticeably bare, the furniture pushed neatly into one corner, and a sad array of garbage bags lined up by the inside door. Discoloration on the carpet clearly indicated where each piece had been prior to Knight’s work.

“We’re not obligated to report dead animals,” said Knight. “I found the blood trail and investigated, just in case, and found the bodies in the upstairs bedroom.”

Alice followed the yellow plastic markers, noting the medium-velocity spatter as she passed, careful not to tread on any of it, or upset the unstable-looking piles of random miscellany that lined every passage, leaving just enough space for one human to pass.

One path lead to the bathroom, upstairs, and the other lead to the bedroom. Neither were free from towers of packrattus. Alice took her recorder out and began dictating details.

“Two decedents, apparently one male, one female. Male in kneeling position at foot of bed, female spreadeagled on the bed.” Alice edged closer until she was on the very borderlines. “Both bodies show signs of advanced decomp, insect and rodent activity… pistol located near female’s right hand… and cause of death looks to be stabbing. I can see at least five wounds, three defensive.” She tried to move the male’s body. “Male has a knife in his lap. No immediately evident trauma, large red-brown stain under the posterior… tear in the crotch of the pants?”

“He stabbed her and she shot him in the nuts,” said Knight. “Who says romance is dead?”

“I can’t make calls like that until after a thorough forensic examination,” said Alice. She gingerly searched the pockets on the male. “No ID. Judging by the absence of shoes on both of them, they lived here. I’d say document, bag and tag… These two can come to the office.”

Knight started backing out of the labyrinth of collection. “I know this is probably the wrong time to ask, but… do you want to go get a coffee or something while your minions deal with this mess? I had a whole week booked on this place, and now…” an expressive shrug.

Alice thought about this as she picked her way back to uncluttered air and the outside world. God, it was good to swing her elbows again. “Coffee sounds lovely.”

Then Cordelia took her headgear off, and Alice knew her heart would never be her own again. Skin like dark chocolate. Lips full and delectable. Effortless hair sculpted to perfection in a style both practical and elegant.

The blush returned and Alice didn’t care. “Very lovely indeed.”

First crime scene. Ever. Nobody else had to know this. Just walk like you own the place. Act like you belong. Check out the corpse, note any significant details and toddle on back to the office. No big deal.

Alice thusly walked with confidence until she encountered the first thing nobody told her.

Death has a smell.

The bodies in anatomy and dissection classes were sanitized. They had the subtle odor of death, because nobody can really stop it. This was a full on reek, with all the nastiness associated with subsequent decay and noisome fluids.

It was so horrible that it almost qualified as toxic.

Alice swallowed her rising gorge, mentally running through the gamut of things to do when one doesn’t want to be seen throwing up in front of one’s co-workers.

“First day?”

Her blush struggled with the fact that all her blood was rushing to her digestive system. “…‘es…”

“Try this.” A white-gloved hand offered a pot of what appeared to be vaseline, but held a different odor entirely. One from Alice’s own childhood.

“Vick’s Vaporub?”

“Stick a little under your nose. Overwhelms the senses.” The speaker offering the pot was short and entirely shrouded in what Alice thought of as street-available hasmat gear. White overalls with an elastic hood. Rubber boots and latex gloves. Industrial filter mask. Safety goggles.

“Is the scene hazardous?” Alice took a small glob and discretely applied it.

“No, this is my work uniform. Cordelia Knight. Forensic cleaning services.”

“Alice Daye. Medical Examiner. I thought you guys turned up… after.”

“There’s a first time for everything,” said Ms Knight. “My client hired me to clean and refurbish a place he’d inherited. Unfortunately, he hadn’t inspected it first. The former occupant was still there.”

Alice put on her own mask, gloves and booties, whipping her hair into the net she carried for the purpose. The less of herself that got into a scene, the better. “You’re already dressed for the occasion, Ms Knight. Would you walk me through your… procedures?”

The eyes underneath the safety goggles smiled. Alex followed her on the tour. “We document everything in my line of work. I already gave Lieutenant Bothari my camera. Every photo is time and date stamped. As you can see, I thought this was just another hoarder’s cave.”

One side of the room was literally stacked floor to ceiling with periodicals. Newspapers and magazines. Sorted by issue title. The other half was noticeably bare, the furniture pushed neatly into one corner, and a sad array of garbage bags lined up by the inside door. Discoloration on the carpet clearly indicated where each piece had been prior to Knight’s work.

“We’re not obligated to report dead animals,” said Knight. “I found the blood trail and investigated, just in case, and found the bodies in the upstairs bedroom.”

Alice followed the yellow plastic markers, noting the medium-velocity spatter as she passed, careful not to tread on any of it, or upset the unstable-looking piles of random miscellany that lined every passage, leaving just enough space for one human to pass.

One path lead to the bathroom, upstairs, and the other lead to the bedroom. Neither were free from towers of packrattus. Alice took her recorder out and began dictating details.

“Two decedents, apparently one male, one female. Male in kneeling position at foot of bed, female spreadeagled on the bed.” Alice edged closer until she was on the very borderlines. “Both bodies show signs of advanced decomp, insect and rodent activity… pistol located near female’s right hand… and cause of death looks to be stabbing. I can see at least five wounds, three defensive.” She tried to move the male’s body. “Male has a knife in his lap. No immediately evident trauma, large red-brown stain under the posterior… tear in the crotch of the pants?”

“He stabbed her and she shot him in the nuts,” said Knight. “Who says romance is dead?”

“I can’t make calls like that until after a thorough forensic examination,” said Alice. She gingerly searched the pockets on the male. “No ID. Judging by the absence of shoes on both of them, they lived here. I’d say document, bag and tag… These two can come to the office.”

Knight started backing out of the labyrinth of collection. “I know this is probably the wrong time to ask, but… do you want to go get a coffee or something while your minions deal with this mess? I had a whole week booked on this place, and now…” an expressive shrug.

Alice thought about this as she picked her way back to uncluttered air and the outside world. God, it was good to swing her elbows again. “Coffee sounds lovely.”

Then Cordelia took her headgear off, and Alice knew her heart would never be her own again. Skin like dark chocolate. Lips full and delectable. Effortless hair sculpted to perfection in a style both practical and elegant.

The blush returned and Alice didn’t care. “Very lovely indeed.”

(#00003)

Ax'and'l stared at the brown furry hills with legs. They were everywhere. “These are wombats.” He did not understand his human companion’s fear. They weren’t doing anything much at all.

“Yes!”

“And we’ve known each other for… ten years?”

“Yes!” Hwell was still trying to climb the walls.

“Then for ten years it hasn’t been always wombats.” Ax'and'l scanned them. “And they’re herbivores!”

One of them was sniffing Hwell’s lowest foot. The human whimpered and attempted to climb higher on a sheer vertical surface.

“What could possibly be threatening about an enclosure full of herbivores?”

“Plant. Fibre. Clothing.”

One of them was gnawing on Ax'and'l’s trousers. “Are we certain that there’s no other means of egress?”

“SHUT UP AND BOOST ME OUTTA HERE!”