The restaurant was the best thing to happen to him during possibly the worst month of his life. Most of that was because Agatha was in the restaurant with him. Radiant with her own, unique glow that had been subtly blooming over the most recent days.

He was down on hit points, he’d had to run some constitution saving throws, and was generally feeling like shit. But it was all fine now because he’d seen Agatha. She smiled in that slow and certain way that made his heart swell.

Sure, she’d mentally attached a small label to his person that said This person is mine, at least to her eyes, but Angus didn’t mind so much.

They were young - well, young for half-elves - and in love.

He more or less fell into the booth that he had booked a month ago.

“You look like shit,” she teased.

“Drug gang in the lower west side. Nasty lot. Had the wrong type of necromancer.” He smiled for her, now, because he didn’t feel any pain now that he was near her. “I’m better now,” he said.

She leaned into him and sniffed deeply. Her soft purr was music to his ears. “Hmmmm,” she sighed. “Poor mate.”

Agatha smelled really nice. Angus kissed her hair and let himself relax for a change. She was gently stroking her fingers near his minor wounds. Careful of them. Her purr was rather steady, even when her hands drifted around his wrist.

“Skinny mate…”

Uh oh…

Angus felt her pulse. Elevated. Her pupils were dilated and her face was flushed. “Food?” she said. “Need feed mate.”

Three seconds after this very damning statement, her own personal luume-alarm went off. A tinny rendition of Love World of Love.

“Miller labs has got to work on a better detection spell,” Angus muttered. He ordered a combination of dense protein and different types of carbs, discreetly indicating that Agatha was under the influence of luume’irma.

She was in nurture mode, thanks to his generally poor condition, so there wouldn’t be an unseemly display in a classy restaurant where she attempted to jump his bones. Therefore, he would be feeding her as she fed him.

All in all, not the worst possible first luume ever. That record would have to go to Taako, who went on a touch-starved rampage through the college campus he was living in at the time. It had taken five security guards and some primo tranquillisers to get him to a manageable state.

By comparison, Agatha was a famished kitten. As long as the PDA’s stayed PG, he’d be fine. There was a relatively nice Elven Cote-l nearby. He could snuggle with her and any extra treats and, if she got rowdy, he knew where the ‘off switch’ was.

If there was a plus side to all of this, he knew that she viewed him as a mate. Or at least, subconsciously did so. Personally, he’d much prefer it when she had more choice in the matter.

Her eyes twinkled as he fed her. He sort-of flirted with her as she fed him. Not the most romantic of evenings, like he’d planned it to be, but this was a close second.

Agatha would later state in their wedding vows that his gentlemanly behaviour on this night was one of her strongest reasons for wanting to keep him.

[TAZ prompts remaining: 8]

[Thanks for the prompts! Visit internutter (dot) org for deets on how to help fund my life :D]

I have nine of these things. NINE! I’m taking screen shots in case Tumblr implodes and I have to port on over to AO3 and Pillowfort (yeah, I’m on there).

That said, there’s no such thing as a bad idea and I absolutely LOVE writing these minifics even though it takes time away from the larger fanfics I’m working on…

So, briefly, yes. It’s going to take me a while to get to yours [nine in the queue plus any that might pop up on AO3. My time and wrist strength are limited] so patience is appreciated. I’d link you to my Ko-fi and Patreon, but apparently that means this post won’t show up in tags even if I use the redirect stopgap.

Sigh.

You can find all that stuff on my hub site internutter (dot) org. With zero percent of the aggro you find here.

Baking Day was an even mix of fun, mess, and a modicum of frustration. Angus thought he was getting the hang of it and Taako was stress-testing his last nerves in watching an amateur take twenty minutes to do what a pro could do in seconds.

He had to keep casting back to when he was an amateur bumbling along under the guidance of Aunty Ques. How she had put up with these levels of horseshit. In doing so, he missed Angus just tossing the measured flour into the whipped egg whites.

“Sift it fir–” too late. “Augh!” His hands went up, bracelets jangling, to grip at his hat.

Ango went down, ducking and covering for a split second before realising that no incoming blows were going to happen.

In that time, Taako had lowered his hands and had to roll a save to stop feeling like the scum of the universe. He said, “Who hit you?”

“Nobody recently, sir. Everyone up here on the moon treats me really well.”

Taako fought for calm. “That wasn’t the question I asked, pumpkin. Someone had to hit you a lot for that kind’a reflex. Don’t matter if they’re not on the moon…”

Angus couldn’t look him in the eye. “My parents never hit me, sir.”

“So it was tutors they paid for? Nice,” he dripped sarcasm with that last word. “Or was it some shitty boarding school for fancy boys?”

“…they were s’posed to,” Angus murmured. “Discipline’s very important…”

“Horseshit.”

“Sir?”

“Horse. Shit. There’s hundreds of ways to get kids to act nice and beating on ‘em is one o’ the worst. I never knew the feel of someone else’s hand until I was out on the road and far from home ‘n’ family.” He had his centre, now, and used his new-found calm to gently pat Angus’ hair. “You know I’d never hurt you, right?”

“There was that time you threw me off a train, sir…”

“Better than letting you stay on it,” said Taako. “Anyway, I cast Shield. You were fine.” He’d never admit it, but he also believed he’d never see this kid again. Now that he was a coworker… Damnit. He added, “Sorry.”

Angus looked stunned. “Did you… just apologise to me?”

“Don’t brag about it,” said Taako. “You were due. Make a big thing out of this and you might not hear any more. Got it?”

“No, I understand, sir. I just… nobody’s ever done that before.”

Shit. Now he felt worse. “That’ll change,” said Taako, inwardly vowing to make it change. “Get used to it.”

[TAZ prompts remaining 8]

Tumbl Into TAZ - Chapter 47 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

Another reader prompt from AO3. If I get too many of these, I may alternate with my Tumblr prompts.

Well, if you chance by FЯEE KATZ then you’ll know that Taako straight up adopted seven children of an indiscriminate mother. Mostly because he’s a big softie and doesn’t want any living thing to exist with nothing and no-one.

In rough order of naming:

Weepo - “scrambled-egg” calico with no clear pattern. Does a very good Taako impersonation with her purring. Settles next to a person as a sign of affection. Most likely to bring in live prey.

Blitz - Mostly grey, white spats and a tail spot. Grows up to become undisputed Fluffiest Cat in the house. Foot-stalker, pen-chaser, and most likely to bring you dead vermin with an air of unbounded pride in himself.

Socks - Black cat with white socks (knee-high) and a tail spot. Has a blaze on their chest. Cruise-by smudger [they walk close past you and lean on the way through] and most likely to bring in random objects [I hunted you this leaf/clothes peg/bit of string be proud of me]. Perches on ankles/feet and complains when the perch-ee moves.

Caleb - Ginger with white blaze, tail spot, and tum. Fucking loves Angus [don’t we all] and will partially occupy any random Angus body part while our boy reads. [partially occupying is a cat thing where they sit their front or their rear on a thing, never the whole body] Places paw politely on books as a request for scritches. Preys on vermin, eats the evidence.

Neapolitan - Calico with definite stripes, though her ginger has a mackerel pattern. Second-fluffiest cat in the house and complete cuddle slut. Anybody’s friend for pets and love.

Asshole - That one cat who acts out for attention. Mostly white with a brown ‘hat’, saddle, socks, and tail spot. Machiavellian plotter and serial objet d’art destroyer. Most likely to eat the houseplants. May deign to sit on Taako’s lap (and then fart). Frequent attitude of, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present to you… my ass!”

Lord Specklemont Gripthigh Esq. - Mackerel tabby in hues of greyish-brown. Very fancy lad, sits properly or loaf-forms. Never sprawls. Asks permission to occupy a lap by gently tapping an unoccupied thigh with a front paw. If he kills anything, he’s polite enough to not mention it. Doesn’t participate in the 5PM Cat Cyclone, but actually uses the 2kGP exercise wheel that Taako purchased when they were all kittens. Nicknamed “Specky”, but glares at you if you use it in his presence.

Tumbl Into TAZ - Chapter 46 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

Today’s Angstus is prompted via AO3. References to child/domestic abuse within. No Anguses are harmed in this passage of fic.

Practice battles in the Icosagon had actually faded into being boring. They were safe. There was no risk. There was no desperation. There was nothing at stake. There were even healers hanging around on the bleachers in case the mock battles knocked anyone down. The only thing at risk was dignity.

Tres Horny Bois were sparring against Team Smarty-pants, Carey, Killian, and Angus McDonald. Both sides knew each others’ weaknesses. Both knew that if they were knocked down to zero hit-points, the clerics gathered on the bleachers would butt in and save valuable lives.

It was routine to the point where Taako was almost doing this in his sleep. He much preferred to get back to sleep, which was why he wanted this dumb exercise over with as soon as possible.

Entangle the Meat Shield, confound the Rogue, dazzle the Mage, cha-cha-cha… Magic Missile, Magic Missile, cha-cha-cha…

Angus cast shield. Lad was learning. Taako was nearly impressed.

Well. If he wanted to shake things up, Taako was game.

He dipped into his ingredients pouch and brought out a single, small, hot pepper. The only warning they would get. Then he cast Dragon Breath, aiming at Carey and Killian.

Angus McDonald, allegedly the worlds’ smartest person, leaped between the competent women and Taako and attempted to cast Shield.

He failed.

Taako watched his life fall to pieces all over again in slow motion.

Angus completed the parabolic arc to the floor of the arena as if he were falling through water. Flames licking at him like they had licked at his stage wagon in Glamour Springs.

Some of the bodies were so small. Not as small as the one that was practically at his feet. Crumpled in pain like those who hadn’t eaten as much of the thirty-clove garlic chicken. Crying out like so many of those he had left behind in his panic.

Just like back then, when he had grabbed Sazed and harnessed the horse to their camper wagon, Taako ran. The whole world was slow as he flung the Umbrastaff away from him and started out of the arena. It felt like trying to run through an ocean of molasses. Like trying to breathe cotton.

He’d done it again. He’d done it again! He’d done it again!

There was nowhere to run to, not on the moon.

He deserved this.

He deserved worse.

There was one way to run. Right off the gods-damn moon. He didn’t hear anything but the rushing of blood in his ears, and the painful drag of air through his throat. He could only see his goal - the edge of the moon base. The unprotected plateau that had been the doom of an uncounted number of dogs[1].

He didn’t stop. Let his feet cycle in thin air for a couple of steps. Then shut his eyes so that he wouldn’t be able to regret his decision.

He’d killed a kid who had no-one and nothing to the point where he hero-worshipped a murdering scuzzbucket like Taako. This death was earned and long since overdue.

Payment for Glamour Springs.

Payment for Angus.

Payment for everything else horrible that he’d done in his entire life.

{fomp!} the wind stopped thundering in his ears and something yanked at his left arm.

Taako’s eyes opened. That fucking umbrella did actually follow him. He glared at it through a veil of tears. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he demanded. “I killed a kid. I deserve to die…”

The Umbrastaff, as always, was silent.

“I hate you, you accessory from Hell.” So now he was going to live. Fuck. Worse, they could track him because of the fucking silver bracer that his Umbrastaff had a good grip on.

Options. He was going to live because the Umbrastaff wouldn’t let him die. He could cut off his left hand, lose the bracer, and just fucking run. Except he was allergic to pain, so that should be a last resort only.

There were places he could hide where the signal from the Bracer was interrupted There had to be thousands of caverns in The Teeth. He could farm mushrooms and cave slugs and be a cave hobo.

Better than a murder hobo.

A figure appeared before him. Fancy lad. shiny shoes. The feathers in his fancy lad cap were less by one. He had his arms folded and an expression of deep confusion. “Pardon my language, sir, but what the fuck?”

“Great. Now I’m hallucinating,” said Taako.

“No, sir. I’m guaranteed one hundred percent alive. Mr Highchurch was actually handy with a healing spell, sir.”

“Now I know I’m hallucinating…” he rolled his eyes. “The day Merle actually heals anyone is the day the world ends.”

“No, sir. Mr Burnsides reminded him that he can heal and I was fine in the jiffiest of jiffies. But you’d already run off by then.”

Taako reached out with the hand that wasn’t caught up in the grip of a malevolent accessory. Poked Angus.

Kid felt alive enough.

“Are you good, now, sir?”

Taako shrugged, “Well, I’m not as evil as I previously assumed, I guess… Sure you’re not dead?”

“Absolutely, sir.”

They were both featherfalling to the middle of nowhere. Since the moon was closer, it was worth burning a spell slot on. “All right. Improv magic lesson. Come on over to me. I’ll show you what Fly looks like.”

The Umbrastaff was on his side as they soared up to settle on the relative firmness of the Bureau quad. Where Magnus and Merle were waiting with the same question Angus had.

“What the fuck?”

Taako lied like a rug. “Have no fear, gentle co-workers, Taako’s saved the day, the boy, and imparted a valuable lesson.” He denied ever jumping off the moon in the first place, blew so much smoke up everyone’s assed that they gave up on trying to ask Taako anything.

Eventually, they all filtered away, leaving just him and the kid in the middle of the quad.

“Sir,” said Angus. “I heard you say, not again.” He had his notebook and pencil out, raking notes. “What sort of thing could have you panicked like that?”

“Prefer not to answer,” said Taako. “We’re alive today. Be glad of that.” He shut down, turned off, and Blinked the fuck out of there.

Nobody needed to know this shit. If that kid asked any more questions, Taako might actually answer him, one day.

[1] For those of you who are worried - that number is zero. Actually, Davenport and Lucretia are allergic, so they don’t let dogs on the moon.

[TAZ prompts remaining: 4]

Soft warmth beside him. Cozy and safe and smelling of cheap, but never over-abundant perfume. Angus sleepily wrapped himself around his lovely wife and sniffed deeply as he squeezed.

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

Sunlight filtered through the curtains and cast her exposed skin in gold. Her face still lax in sleep. Perfectly calm and drooling a little on the pillow.

Ah, what a perfect view.

She had bed-head and her pyjamas were askew and there was no name for the sleeping position she wound up in other than Pure Agatha. Nobody else in the world could gain comfort from that awkward tangle mixed with sprawl.

Angus propped himself up on one elbow, forced to let her go in the process, but loving the angle he gained from the movement. The best investigative reporter in the world. The smartest and most competent woman he knew.

An amazing companion, a terrific helpmeet, smart and lovely and devoted to their teamwork. He could devote his life to loving every inch of her.

Agatha’s eyelids fluttered open. “Mmh… h’lo.”

The grin would not escape his face. “Hi,” he said, leaning over for their morning kiss. Monster-breath didn’t matter. That kiss was worth waiting for. When they broke it, he said, “Any requests for breakfast? I happen to know some five-star chefs who taught me everything I know about burning scrambled eggs.”

Her laugh was like a symphony. “Silly man.” She reached up to caress his cheek. “It’s a coffee and porridge morning for me.”

“Apples and cinnamon? Raisins? Cardamom?”

She stretched the kinks out before burying her nose in his chest hair for a good nuzzle. Agatha finished with a kiss and said, “Let’s wreck some porridge together. It’s been a while since we got your Papa all incensed.”

It was difficult to get up when she was just lounging there like that, but he had to pee anyway. “I think he may have finally forgiven me for burning the pasta that one time. Wonder if he’s forgiven you for being so beautiful that I couldn’t tear myself away…”

“Still your fault for dancing me off my feet,” she teased.

It was how their mutual cooking sessions had gone for months. Starting to prepare a meal and, through a succession of kisses and cuddles, making out and forgetting that the burners were still burning until the Fantasy Smoke Alarms went off.

Taako, one of the aforementioned five-star chefs, was highly offended by it all.

Basic nods to morning hygiene accomplished, they failed their stealth checks on the way to the kitchen by giggling and shushing each other as they tip-toed towards Taako’s sacred space.

Only to find him there already, in a chair by the old hearth where the Aga now resided. Knitting. Glaring at them as they entered. “You realise I’m only here to stop you setting the farmhouse on fire,” he said. “Whatever you start cooking, I’ll make certain you don’t fucking burn it.”

“I think he’s onto us,” Agatha stage-whispered.

“I think you’re right,” Angus stage-whispered back. He tried to wipe the grin off his face, but rolled a one. “Thanks, Papa.”

Taako rolled his eyes. “Warn me before you start the slow-dancing. I’m too young for this shit.”

[TAZ Prompts remaining: 5]

[AN: Going with Young Ango because bigger angst potential]

Angus hid behind the doorway, breath stilled in his throat, tears prickling at his eyes. Mr Taako and Mr Kravitz were yelling at each other. It was happening. It was finally happening.

They were fighting.

They were fighting because Angus was in the house. Just like any of the other couples who had taken him in for the early cycle of home visits and inspections and the dance of eternal paperwork.

“It’s not babysitting, Krav. He’s our damn kid! Take some parental responsibility.”

“I am being responsible! I’m working for our keep!”

“I got the money sewed up, babe.”

“It’s not as if I can take time off whenever I feel like it! My Queen needs me!”

“Our baby needs you!”

“Stop calling him that! He’s not our baby!”

Angus felt every muscle in his body turn into a knot. Felt his panicked breath stop in his throat. He couldn’t breathe. He was going to die. He was going to die alone and nobody cared about him and Nurse Stronginthearm was going to scrub the meat off his bones for the orphanage stew…

“Oh fuck,” said Mr Taako. There was a clatter of his high heels against the polished floors, and then the smell of floral cologne and his warm presence nearby. “Sweetie…? Sweetie, it’s going to be okay, I promise.”

Angus, panicked, couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe in. Couldn’t feel anything but utter terror. They were going to break up. They were going to split apart because he was here to ruin their love and he was so sorry and he didn’t want to be stew…

“Oh shit,” said Mr Kravitz. He joined Mr Taako in holding Angus. “I didn’t mean to say– What I meant is that you’re a little boy.” Mr Kravitz’s cool hand rubbed over Angus’ back. “You’re not a baby any more.”

The panic still had him in its clutches. He couldn’t breathe. Everything was going dark and he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t move and the whole world hurt.

Mr Kravitz started to sing a lullabye as both Mr Taako and himself held Angus close. All the terror ebbed away under a gentle and soothing Calm Emotion. Mr Taako’s soft purr provided a non-magical counterpart. With calm, came sweet air. With calm, the knotted muscles eased. Tears fell. Sobs loosed, but that was just because they were held back for so long.

“I’m sorry,” said Mr Kravitz.

“…please don’t go bad,” Angus managed. “…please don’t break up… please don’t turn sour ‘cause of me…”

“Aw no, aawww…” cooed Mr Taako, rocking with Angus in his arms. “It’s just a little tiff, pumpkin… People have fights like this all the time. We got angry at each other, but it’s all over, now.”

Mr Kravitz said, “Taako was right. I do need to share more of my time with you. I need to figure out how to break up my work so that I can have more of a home life.” He moved closer. Wrapping Angus and Mr Taako up in his arms. “Sorry I panicked you.”

“Krav was right, too,” said Mr Taako. “He does important work and it can never wait. Also… you are a little kid. But… I can’t help thinking of you as my baby. I want you to be part of my life.”

Mr Kravitz whispered, “I’d love us all to be a family.”

Angus peeked. Mr Taako had tears slipping from his eyes. Mr Kravitz had moisture spilling from his own. They were both more concerned with Angus than they were about fighting.

A black feather fell from Mr Kravitz’s hair. Angus caught it. Mr Kravitz had never used feathers in his hair.

“I have to go,” said Mr Kravitz. He didn’t sound glad. “I want to come back as soon as I can.”

“I know, babe,” Mr Taako sighed. “Our boy’s gonna need extra hugs.”

“I’ll come back and read him a chapter of Caleb Cleveland. Soon as I can.”

“Don’t let Bird Mom keep you too long with the paperwork.”

Angus, still in Mr Taako’s arms, watched them kiss. They weren’t turning sour. They were okay.

Mr Taako carried Angus to the couch for an extended cuddle session. “Big upset today. Some people broke up when they realised childrearing isn’t alway sunshine and lollipops, right?”

Angus, curled up and halfway wrapped around Mr Taako, nodded.

Mr Taako’s bangles rang as he stroked Angus’ hair. “This is a fight every family has, sweetie. Who does more for the kid. Who does more for the household. Who’s more tired at the end of the day.” Mr Taako took a deep breath. “That sort’a thing broke up my parents. I admit, there was more than a bit of superstition stirred in… Not important. Too long ago. Today… Krav and I had that argument. It happened. We got loud. It don’t mean it’s the end of us. You got that, little man?”

Angus could believe it in the way they kissed. In the way they meant it when they apologised. In the way their touch lingered on each other.

Angus nodded. “I don’t want it to turn bad ‘cause of me.”

“Aw, honey…” Mr Taako started telling stories. Stories about all of his bad choices. About the people he had thought he had love with in the past. The liars, the deceivers, the poisoner who he had once trusted… The manipulators, the ransomers, the controllers… Mr Taako had seen every form of sour love that there was to exist. “So you see… I know what sour looks like.”

Angus sniffled and said, “Yessir…”

“So can you trust me when I tell you that Krav and I are not going sour any time soon?”

A shuddering, steadying breath. “Yessir.”

“Good,” Mr Taako kept stroking Angus’ hair. “Now the bad news. Dinner is a vegetable stir fry because I already cooked that. I can let’cha have a sweet tea to wash it down, though. Good?”

Angus nodded.

“Good.”

Mr Taako held him until the shuddering sadness was over, then let Angus up to have a late dinner and a soothing, sweet tea. By the time he was done, Mr Kravitz was back and hurrying to eat Mr Taako’s good food so he could have time to hold Angus and Mr Taako and read a story.

Angus didn’t make it all the way through the chapter. Falling asleep in someone’s arms was a nice feeling all the same.

[TAZ prompts remaining: 5]

Once again, @lauren-nicole813 [tumblr isn’t letting me tag you soz] has sent me some lovely sketches of my headcannon for Taako. They keep insisting that this isn’t “real art” and I’m boggling. This is art. It is real. Therefore it is real art.

Edit: Just now realised they changed their handle to @dualityandsuch [sorry, I love your stuff but I’m a bit thick]

[Images Describe: Two sketches of Taako from The Adventure Zone. Taako is a plump Elf with deerlike ears and dappled skin. First image is of Taako from the knees up, he is wearing a fashionable, star pattern robe with a low V neck, a choker and a slightly floppy wizarding hat with a star on the point. He carries a clutch purse and is posed with his right hand to his to his neck in a ‘who, me?’ pose as he looks to the right. His hair is long and wavy. Second image is Taako from the waist up. He’s supporting his chin with his right hand and the elbow upraised like he’s posing for the viewer. He’s wearing a scoop-neck garment with no sleeves and an image of an open umbrella and rain on it. He has two-tone hair that is short in the back, with bangs, and long side pieces in front of his ears. According to the artist, this is a wig.]