Challenge #00620 - A255: Know Your Source

Step 1: Take your left hand or grasping appendage.

Step 2: Reach your left hand or grasping appendage and move it so it is behind you.

Step 3: Lower your left hand or grasping appendage so that it is perpendicular to your pelvis.

Step 4: Move your left hand or grasping appendage towards your body, so that it contacts the rear of your pelvis.

Step 5: Grasp the rear of your pelvis.

Step 6: Lift.

Congratulations, you are now flying by the seat of your pants.

There was an irate saurian in the foyer. And, judging by the copious bags at hir feet, they were prepared to wait until someone in charge could see them.

The gatekeeper-secretary tidied his hair before discreetly calling their ultimate superior. Editor in Chief, Sanja Elkrun.

“Sir,” murmured the secretary. “We have a camper in the foyer. They want to see you.”

“How many bags?”

“I’ve counted six.”

Sigh. “Well, at least it isn’t lawyers.” Editor Elkrun cut the comms. There was a twenty-minute window upcoming in her schedule that she usually reserved for window-time, but her psychological wellbeing had evidently been trumped, today.

She stepped smartly into her executive veet and pretended normalcy after the vertiginous drop to the ground floor. Even at max boost, there was not much time. Sanja left the veet talking. “Welcome, cogniscent, to the offices of MegaMagazines. I am Editor in Chief, Sanja Elkrun. I do not have much time, so please keep this quick.”

The saurian stood, revealing herself to be a female Enkapha. “I am Ligath. I came in protest to your instructions on page one five three of Human Comedy.”

“Sir…” said Sanja kindly. “The title of the publication is Human Comedy. We have disclaimers and warnings in pop-ups that you must read and acknowledge.”

“Oh, I had those turned off. They’re far too annoying.”

Once again, the forces of ignorance trumped the desperate attempts of the virtuous to help them remain educated. “And the title of Human Comedy didn’t tell you that any instructions in the main body of the magazine are not to be taken seriously?”

Great Powers, she could actually see the righteous indignation in Ligath’s posture drain out of her. “Uh. Er. When you put it that way…”

“Do you consent to having this event become material for our magazine?” asked Sanja. “You have had warnings turned off, so I must ask if you read the disclaimer at the door.” The disclaimer that plainly stated in GalStand and the five leading languages of the Galactic Alliance that people coming inside the offices to complain quickly became grist for the magazine mill, and entering was tantamount to consent.

“What? No!”

“Then in future, I suggest that you leave your warnings on,” she said. “For your continued wellbeing.” She turned away and strode back to her executive veet.

Sanja got all the way past the four hundredth floor before she burst out laughing.

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Challenge #00619 - A254: A Cunning Plan…

“Don’t worry. It’ll all go according to plan,” I reassured her that my plan was flawless.

Now I just needed to come up with one.

Rule one of coming up with a plan: work with what you’ve got. In this case, two rubber bands and a paperclip, and the clothes she stood up in if she was really that desperate.

Rule two: The environment is also what you’ve got. Nigh-seamless corridors made out of something that conserved energy by putting it back into the thing that hit it. One ricochet could, theoretically, wipe out the entire ship.

Alouette got a wicked smirk as she removed the rubber bands from her wrists and reconfigured the paperclip. “Did you know that there are reasons why they’ve successfully banned projectile weapons in space?” she said conversationally.

“What?” Princess Gaart made the universal what-the-hell-is-this human-doing face. “Everyone knows this…”

Alouette strung the rubber bands between her index and pinkie finger and gave the enemy the Devil Sign as she drew back her missile. “When I say ‘duck’…” she warned. Aloud, to the aliens, “I have a projectile weapon and I’m not afraid to use it!” She drew back the adjusted paperclip.

“Listen to the human,” shrieked Princess Gaart. “They’re level four Deathworlders!”

It was the first time she’d bluffed her way out of a pickle with a weapon that might just actually work for a change. And possibly the first time anyone had threatened anyone else with a paperclip.

Rule three: It’s not a dense idea if it actually works.

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Challenge #00618 - A253: Anything That Can Go Wrong…

Farewell. Please say hello to Murphy when he clobbers you.

Those had been her last words to the human. They should have been the last words she ever spoke to the insane mammal.

Yet there it was. Hale and hearty. Enjoying a brew with the other Galactics in a seedy bar that also boasted Unsuitable Food on the menu.

“How?” she demanded. “How did you survive? I barely made it out of that melee with my hide intact!”

The human grinned. “Have you heard of the term, ‘lucker’?”

“Sounds like a curse.”

“Oh it is, it is,” the human took a generous swig of its drink. “It’s the ability to fall into a privy pit and come out with gold. It’s the knack of tripping and breaking a toe, only to find that you tripped over a priceless relic. And in one case, its accidentally chopping off your finger while making a speech about how soft you’re not.”

Jerl glared at the creature. “That… doesn’t sound very lucky…”

“It was extremely lucky for the Vardian Empire. Got a bunch of right bastards to back down. Earned the nickname Gregor Elfhand ever after… but that’s what lead to the discovery of the Luck gene. Unfortunately, it comes with a heavy side of Clumsy.”

Jerl reassessed the layers of scars visible on the humans’ hide. There didn’t seem to be any fresh ones.

“Hi,” said the human. “I’m Wanda the Unfortunate. I got an overload of Clumsy and half the Luck. Which, by pure chance, is just enough Luck to live.”

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Challenge #00617 - A252: Stick to the Plan

“This is according to your plan?”
“Yes.”
“What kind of plan was that?”
“The plan was -Do not die.- All is still going according to plan… barely.”

“This is why,” raged Krel over the gunfire aimed in their general direction. “This is why I never get involved with humans!”

“Awright,” admitted Jude. “This is something of a tight spot.”

“TIGHT? We’re cornered and pinned and any minute now, a hover drone is going to get us from above! Amphibian anuses are not this tight!”

“One: it’s ‘frogs ass’. Two: There’s always a way out. Three: How close do these drones fly?”

“Two meters for facial identification… why?”

Jude grinned. She scrabbled at the mud in the roof gardens and smeared it liberally all over her head. Then splattered a generous handful onto Krel.

“What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?” Krel demanded.

“Makin’ it fly closer.”

It was an insanity typical of the species. The human waited until the drone got close and aggressively sabotaged it before it could fire.

“Quick question,” said Jude. “Are they silly enough to send up another drone to see what happened to the first one?”

“Uh. Yes?”

“Brilliant,” the human had a wild fire in her eyes and a manic grin.

If she lived to be a thousand, Krel never wanted to see that look on a human’s face ever again.

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Challenge #00616 - A251: Adventuring with humans

Maybe, maybe not. After all his plan IS flawless after all.

He doesn’t have a plan at all so there can’t be any flaws in it.

“That’s a plan?” yawped the Princess. “How can the human’s plans possibly have a complete success rate?

"That’s the thing, it isn’t a plan,” explained Ax'and'l. “It’s more a succession of goals. You’ve heard the old edict that no plan ever survives first contact with the enemy?”

“Oh yes. It’s drilled into all of us from the age of understanding.”

“Hwell’s exactly the kind of enemy that the other guy fears. He improvises. He goes with the flow. But he also redirects that flow towards his goals.”

Something exploded. Because a plan - or a list of goals - in Hwell’s hands quickly included something going boom. Ax'and'l thanked his lucky stars that that boom was usually in the company finance report.

Hwell sauntered back without a mark on him or his nigh-piratical garb. “That aughta keep ‘em good and busy. This way to the escape vehicle, gentle cogniscents.”

“I’m not even going to ask how he does that,” said the Princess.

“I’m just going to frisk him for bottles,” said Ax'and'l.

“…hey!”

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Challenge #00615 - A250: A Lesson For Humans

Don’t want to have people commenting your sudden bout of suicidal stupidy by taunting murphy?

How about not taunt murphy?

[AN: I did leave instructions on the Submissions box to only pick up to three tags. Otherwise I have to whittle your collection of tags down to three so I can add my own tags. Please remember this when picking tags for your prompts.]

This media was not only old, but it had been played to the point of nearing uselessness before it had been transferred to the Archivaas’ more permanent methods of storage. the sound warbled and wobbled. The pictures occasionally flickered and warped. There were scratches and hair and dirt…

“Humans,” said the narrator. “Are you aware that your behaviour can be disturbing to other cogniscents in the Galactic Alliance?”

“Golly,” said the human on the screen. “I had no idea.” It was plain that this human was being portrayed by a lizard in a bad rubber suit.

“Well that’s why I’m here,” said the narrator. “To give you little tips and guidelines on how to behave now that you’re a recognised Galactic Citizen.”

It started with the simpler do’s and don'ts, and quickly got bizarre.

“Ah-ah-ah, human. That’s a ridiculously dangerous thing to do.”

“But it looks like fun.”

“Let’s think things through, human. If you do that thing, you’re going to hurt yourself and you’re going to be exposed to ridicule and comment for thinking that doing the thing was a good idea in the first place. You don’t want other cogniscents pointing at you and laughing, do you?”

“Gee whillikers, no!”

“So maybe you should think about it. Next time you want to do something that looks like fun… remember that you could be taunting Murphy’s Laws. And we don’t want to taunt Murphy.”

“Thank you for your very important lessons. I’ll try to remember.”

*

Althei blinked as the lights came back on. “This was meant to prevent human incidents?”

“It was an effort,” said her honoured tutor. “And in answer to your next question: no, it didn’t work.”

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Challenge #00614 - A249: Explaining Business

Don’t worry. He comes up with crazy ideas, but they’re so crazy they actually work half the time.

“…hey!” said exhibit A, aka Hwell Barrow. “I’ll have you know I have a ninety-eight percent success rate.”

“It’s the two percent that bites my tail,” Ax'and'l managed through gritted teeth. “And we agreed that there would be no bickering in front of potential clients.”

“If we agreed that, then we agreed not to introduce me like that,” Hwell said through a false smile. “Because if you keep introducing me like that, then I’m going to argue like blue bloody blazes, my friend.”

“Oh, don’t say that. Whenever you call someone ‘my friend’ it never ends well…”

Their audience, a Havenworld Avian safely behind a plexiglass booth, apparently watched the interchange with naked curiosity. “Have no fear, cogniscents. Your client is currently safe. I will enjoy the entertainment.”

Hwell deflated. “Aw, now you’ve just gone and taken the fun out of it…”

Ax'and'l gestured. “Case in point.”

“…hey!”

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Challenge #00613 - A248: The Human Argument

And, isn’t sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you’re good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit!”

“Awright. Yes. Humans as a race are kinda nuts,” Hwell admitted. “There’s lots of things I can’t immediately explain.”

“And your individual susceptibility to Silly Season,” added Ax'and'l. “What evolutionary advantage is there on picking up a mood from the surrounding environment? And you all do illogical things when you panic.”

“Panic’s never a logical thing and you can’t tell me otherwise,” Hwell added a glare. “The point is… the point is…”

Ax'and'l waited patiently for Hwell to remember if there was a point.

“The point is… Sanity can’t be all that great. Just look at all the booms and weird new directions that humanity’s introduced to the Galactic Scene.”

“Yes. Including the stunning array of interesting ways to kill people.”

“Yeah? What about the gravity drive? Or Steelulose? Or Nutri-Food? What about us, hm? You were scraping along following the rules and wondering why they didn’t work for you, and now look. We’re a corporation! Hwell Barrow-Ax'and'l Limited Traders. We’re within three good trades of franchising. Franchising. I’m telling you, friend. Insanity is just a way of ignoring the invisible walls.”

Ax'and'l sighed. “One: you said we were within three good trades of Franchising some fifty trades ago. Two: We’re only a success because I hold you back on a short leash. Three: The number of times your ignorance of walls -invisible or otherwise- has got us into the cacky are innumerable! Working with you is like operating on the catastrophe curve.”

“Yeah? So why do you keep signing on during Reneg Month?”

A growl from the saurian. “…becauseyourinsanityisprofitable…”

“Damn straight.”

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Challenge #00612 - A247: Universal Nevers

Quite honestly, you could strap those engines to just about anything and it could make escape velocity.

That’s what the man had said when he’d sold them the refurbished hulk for an amazingly cheap price. He’d said not to turn the gravity on until they were at least two hundred clicks on their way.

What he’d neglected to mention was that any motor can achieve escape velocity if used in a cumulative fashion. Especially when already in the vacuum of space.

He also neglected to mention that the decor peeled right off when exposed to atmosphere.

And that the gravity drives were non-existent.

He failed to mention the lingering smell or, for that matter, that smoke got into the air vents if the engines were pushed past the amber line beyond two degrees. He also neglected to tell them about the infestation of Oshits, now hyperactive that there was atmosphere again.

Proving, once more, that one must never purchase a vehicle from a dealer with “Honest” in their name. Especially if it’s in inverted commas.

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Challenge #00611 - A246: Every Apprentice Does It

My god… it’s full of spelling errors.

Alani was going after Extra Credit. Finding the Original Source was always good for that. She traced it from planetoid to planetoid, from reference to reference to sub-reference and finally… in the Dark Rooms where only special lights were allowed… a yellowed and rather small booklet kept in its own rarified atmosphere and handled only through waldoes.

To show willing, Alani used the special scope to view the myopic scribble of an ancient hand.

All unaware that Tutor Els was right behind her until the venerable Archivaas spoke.

“What do you see, Apprentice?”

“By the Powers… it’s full of errata…”

“We tell you, do we not, that seeking information from the Original Source is not always as educational as you think it might be.”

“Yes,” sighed Alani. “Yes, you do.” Moisture gathered in her eyes and she retreated from the scope to wipe the tears on her sleeve before they could drop and spoil something precious. “I see, now. And I especially see why this author switched to digital entry only.”

“That, and hir handwriting is deplorable.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t have new insights for the extra credit.”

“Nonsense! Seeking knowledge of any kind is credit-worthy work. And seeking this lesson out so early in your learning will serve you well.”

“Yes, Tutor Els.”

“And next time you feel tempted, check the notes on the condition of the piece.”

“Yes, Tutor Els.”

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