One year After Story and Song (ASS)…

Taako was looking… demented. His pupils had almost obliterated his irises. His face was flushed and, mere moments before, he had been turning the place upside-down as if searching for something desperately needed.

“Sir?”

Taako took one look at him and smiled as if he had found the solution to every problem in the world, all wrapped up in one weddy pre-teen boy package. “Baby,” he cooed.

“I’m baby?”

Taako pounced.

*

Five years ASS…

He’d come down to see what the fuss was. Taako had cooked more than a spread. This wasn’t an anxiety bake-off. This was Taako going through every ingredient at his disposal and every recipe in his noggin.

“Are you… okay? Sir?”

Taako turned. “Baby!”

Sigh. “I’m baby,” he grumped. This sort of thing was only supposed to happen once a decade, damnit…

*

Nine years ASS…

He woke with Taako sprawled across him and purring voluminously. How long he had been under the influence of Luume was anyone’s guess.

“Baby…” Taako singsonged.

Yawn. “I’m baby,” he sighed.

* 

Nineteen years ASS…

“Sir, I’d like you to meet Miss Agatha Tre–”

Whump.

“Baby!”

Angus, ass knocked flat on the floor, sighed and looked pleadingly around to where Agatha was lurking and hiding. “I’m baby,” he growled.

*

Twenty years ASS…

This time, he grabbed Agatha with a cheerful, “Baby baby!” and whisked her off to the cote.

“Agatha! Go limp!” It was a mere handful of moments after that that that he had to wonder, “What the actual shit?” 

But in a minute, Taako was back. “Baby!”

Ah. Now things were back to what passed for normal. “I’m baby…”

*

Twenty-four years ASS…

This was the first time he hadn’t called Angus ‘baby’ since… since forever. He was more interested in baby time. On one hand, it did give Angus the freedom to call the doctor and help resolve a mere few of the issues.

On the other hand… he kind of missed being the baby.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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She had thought that she had stronger willpower. That she was immune to spells like Friends. Apparently, mourning can bring those defenses crashing down.

She didn’t know about that until Brian had the staff within reach.

“Zhat’s it, my dear. Chust a liddle closer… and I vill have all ze power in ze relics!”

“And then I go home?” It was the one desire more powerful than the whisperings of the staff itself. The need to get back to her little girl.

“Vhat? No. Zhen you die. Zhis is Brian’s time to shine, darling.”

The sure-fire end of Friends is when the caster causes damage to the victim. That particular statement was at least five psychic damage. Sno shook out of the spell, backing up away from this… this fiend.

She had the staff. She could…

She could protect everyone…

No. This thing had different wants to hers. Right now, she wanted to see this fiend suffer. As a cop, she had numerous spells that could delay, capture, or otherwise render harmless a purp. There was one that was desperate circumstances only, and this fucking counted.

She cast Circle of Death.

Frankly, Brian was lucky that she didn’t cast Tsunami.

The ravens of the Reapers swarmed the area and Sno heard other people talking for the first time.

“Hey, babe. Can’t even get one day off, can we?”

“Now is not the time, Taako…”

Sno blinked her tunnel vision of rage away. Tres Horny Bois and Team Sweet Flips were there. So was Director Lucretia.

“I’ll take that, now, thank you.”

“Sure,” Sno handed it over without a second thought. “They were lying, weren’t they? About that thing being able to send me back home?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” said Lucretia. “This staff… can’t do that. We’re still working on a solution to your needs, I promise.”

Back where she started, then. In a strange world without a friend and without a hope. Sno broke down on the spot. “I just wanna go home…”

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6]

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Her name was Jakaranda and she was a necromancer and a Tiefling. What she had been trying to call a spirit back into the mortal realm for was a moot point. She had forgotten a key element of the ritual - the vessel in which the soul was meant to reside. It could be anything. A golem of clay, bone, wood or flesh. I corpse fresh in the grave. A doll for the spirit to haunt. Anything at all, as long as parts of it could move and it was vaguely human-shaped.

Her name was Jakaranda, and she gave Magic Brian a door from the Astral Plane. An opportunity that he didn’t hesitate to grasp at with both currently ephemeral hands. Without a vessel, there was only one thing to possess.

Her name was Jakaranda. It’s Brian, now.

He looked at the lavender skin and the pink hair and the very tall horns care of the bathroom mirror. “Not exactly my first choize, darlink, but I guess ve can’t be ze choosers vhen ve are ze beggars, ja?”

The fading remnants of Jakaranda, trapped in the back of her brain, said, No, no, no, I didn’t want this…

“Too late,” said Brian. “Ve can’t alvays get vhat ve vant. But I… am gettink revenge…”

He could remember. Even in a living body. Interesting. The remnants of Jakaranda heard static when he said things like ‘Bureau of Balance’, but he could hear a subtle little hiss under the words that came through just fine.

Excellent. He went through Jakaranda’s wardrobe and threw together something nice and devastating. Next up, cruising some popular cities for some members of the Bureau who were so new that they wouldn’t remember him. Or, failing that, some of the consults. Yes. Being allowed around the base without a tracer bracer would be most beneficial.

*

It was almost a joke. An Elf, a Dragonborn, and an Orc walk into a bookshop/cafe…

Two of the three were wearing Bureau bracers, but the Beach Elf wasn’t. She looked like she was suffering an immense loss, and perhaps an equally high stress. She looked ready to snap, an impression not helped by her whip-thin physique.

Target acquired.

Brian had a few variations on the standard Bureau tailing technique, so that even a Bureau member wouldn’t catch on that he was following after the Beach Elf. She spent random moments crying. She’d lost someone. Recently.

Brian arranged to be in the aisle next to where she was sniffling and picked any old book so he could peek through. “Oh,” he said, “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” she lied.

“You look very upset, zough. Are you in trouble? Are zose ozzer two menacing you? I can help.”

“No, they’re fine. They’re helping me, I… I’m not from around here and I’m just trying to get home. My little girl needs me.” Tears sprang forth again.

Brian had an ‘in’. He reached through the gap in the bookshelf and said, “It’s goink to be okay. I vant to help.” A touch to her cheek, and the magic words. “I just vant to be Friends.” He cast Friends on her, and she, unsuspecting, went under the spells influence.

“Of course we’re friends,” she said. “My name’s Sno. What’s yours?”

“Call me Jakaranda,” Brian cooed. “Tell me about gettink home…”

She really wasn’t from around here. She’d come from an entirely different reality where some adults here were still children, and Madame Director was a tiny three-and-a-half-year-old child named Lucretia.

Just imagining Madame Director as a tiny child almost blew his borrowed brain.

Nevertheless… “The other Lucretia, she has somesink interesting, ja? Somesing… special…”

“Of course. She has a really magic staff. It’s magic as hell.”

“If you could borrow it,” wheedled Brian, “and bring it to me… I could help you. I could send you home.”

“I want to go home.”

“Zhen you vant to help me. Find a vay to bring me ze staff…”

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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Alter-Sno was staring off the edge of the Moon again. It was her posture, more than her permanently-down ears or the look on her face that made Madam Director Lucretia journey over to her and say, “Please don’t jump?”

Alter-Sno took three measured steps away from the edge. “No. I wasn’t thinking about it. I was just… the me who belongs in this world is down there somewhere. Isn’t she?”

“It’s not advisable that you try to find her,” said Lucretia. “We don’t know what energies would be released with the encounter between the two of you.”

“Of course we don’t,” sighed Alter-Sno. “That’s the perfect topper to my fucked-up week. Of course there’s no progress in getting me back or reversing whatever fucked-up thing that globe did. Of fucking course you have no idea if time is passing back where I came from… I promised y– her that I’d never abandon her.”

Lucretia could hear the words that Alter-Sno had not said. The pieces slotted together. “You… promised your universe’s version… of me?”

“She’s almost four years old and… the summer fever got her parents. It was months before we found her.”

Oh. Yes. City life and staying out of everyone’s business, and being too busy to care about their neighbours… There were other factors that could lead to children living with the corpses of their parents, but that was the one most common. “I understand you’re worried about her. We’re doing our best, I promise.”

“She’d only just started talking,” said Alter-Sno. “I let her down. I broke my promise…”

“We don’t know that, yet,” said Lucretia. “Come away from the edge… there’s a tea-house here that does some acceptable shortbreads…”

Alter-Sno didn’t come for the shortbreads. “They do dandelion tea?”

For an Elf, that was pretty much equivalent to asking for a sedative. Something to knock her the fuck out so that she wouldn’t have to suffer being awake. “Only under medical supervision. You do want to keep your promise, don’t you?”

Sigh. “Yeah. It’s just… I worry about her.”

Lucretia may have made a mistake when she said, “Tell me about her.” On the other hand, Alter-Sno came back into the realm of the living when she was talking about her adopted daughter.

Unlike most Elf-Human adoptions, this one didn’t involve Luume’s interference. It involved a scared and selectively mute child only trusting Alter-Sno as the toughest person she knew, and therefore the safest one.

Like Lucretia, her tiny counterpart enjoyed reading and other quiet activities. Like Lucretia, her alternate had a reluctance to speak born of being almost criminally shy. Unlike Lucretia, there was family willing to work to help her overcome that shyness. A version of Taako who had his sister - this knowledge was classified and kept away from the rest of the base in general and Taako in particular - and was therefore much warmer towards the rest of the world. A version of Lup who could gently wheedle any close-mouthed child out of their shell.

In another world, Lucretia had careful and gentle relatives who were already shaping her confidence and capability. In another world, Lucretia had a caring family who worked around her quirks and found ways to help her communicate when she wasn’t in the mood to speak. Instead of a mother who wept and a father who yelled when she chose to be quiet and retreat, Lucretia had a family who was willing to whisper and would fetch flashcards so she could still tell them what was wrong.

Lucretia was almost jealous of a four-year-old child in another reality. It was a very strange thing to hear that one had a better life in a different dimension. Not that she wished her own parents dead, but… hearing about this could almost make her do so.

Then Alter-Sno started showing her the baby photos.

Her alternate transformed, from swipe to swipe, from the shy and retreating baby self Lucretia was familiar with, to an increasingly happy and confident little girl. Including being able to do public speaking at her school, if the photo of her at a podium (standing on a step-stool) was any indicator.

It had taken her years, one year in particular, the efforts of her crew, and this wild-ass plan of hers to acquire the gravitas and inherent power that she had today. This junior version of herself was going to have it all much sooner and without all the suffering.

Lucretia wished her well.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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Papa was all dressed up fancy. So was Dad. Angus couldn’t explain why this worried him, but the worry lay trembling under his heart nevertheless.

“It’s just tonight,” Papa was saying as he braided his hair. “There was quite the brawl to babysit you while your Dad and I are out.”

“Can’t I come?”

Papa sighed. “Baby… You know we love you. It’s just… We need to re-enforce our bonds with each other. A night where neither of us can pay all of our attention to each other.”

Angus knew about this. Sometimes, parents needed one night where they didn’t have to be parents. “And I’m not going back to the orphanage.”

“Hell, no, Ango. Naw. You got your Uncle and Aunty Bluejeans coming down, then there’s the Fangbattle Aunts and Uncle Magnus.”

Uncle Magnus almost always bought Mitzy with him. That sounded like it could be fun.

“All of them at once?”

“It was better than holding a raffle for the privilege of your company.” Papa pinned up his hair. “Dad and I have our Stones, and if you need us, we’re only a call away. You’re going to be okay. I promise.”

It was easy to believe when they were home. Less so when they weren’t around. He had three Aunts and two Uncles watching over him and Mitzy to play with and that was enough to keep him distracted for a good two hours.

The third hour, when he and his Aunts and Uncles were cooking together, was when it hit him like a bully twice his weight class. Aunty Lup had her eyes the wrong way around. Everything was wrong. Everything was going wrong.

*

The call came before the mains, and they picked up instantly.

“Ango needs us?” came out of their mouths in stereo.

Taako dropped some gemstones on the table and Krav tore them a portal all the way back to their home.

Dinner didn’t matter. The night out was less important than their kid. Taako rolled badly on passing through the Astral plane on the way, but that didn’t matter either. He rolled and recovered before Krav could even offer a hand.

“Daddy! Papa!”

They landed on him in a hug, Taako already purring.

“It’s okay,” soothed Krav. “You’e okay.”

“I didn’t wanna wreck your night. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you needed us, kiddo. We can have a night out anytime.”

Lup, hovering nearby, said, “He called me ‘Papa’ like twice and then freaked out. I’m not upset about the confusion, sweetie, I promise. You’re okay.”

“I thought… I thought… I thought you were never coming back an’ I kept seeing you outta the corner of my eye an’ it was only Aunty Lup an’…”

He and Krav covered him in kisses. “It’s okay. We’re here, now,” they said, wrapping their little boy up in their arms.

They never saw their show, and their dinner was what the family had cooked up that night. They watched one amongst many of their collection of their moving scrolls.

The important part was that Ango had his family. That he knew they would be coming back. That he could be braver next time.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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Still Tumbl'd, Still TAZ - Chapter 84 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

In this chapter, the baby twins meet little lucretia.

Sno could usually set her calendar by her Luume. Every decade on the dot since she, like her mother, had been Seventy years old. Fortunately for her, she had pretty much locked herself indoors with close relatives for the entirety of that year, until her Luume passed in the company of decent adults.

This… was not the same circumstance. She should have had four more years to go. Unfortunately, the forces of fate had different ideas.

It hit in the middle of the day, as she was training with Team Sweet Flips. She went down fast and hard. Tumbling from a throw and planning to tackle as she rolled, to recovering on all fours and glaring in hurt confusion at two people who smelled like friends.

Need. A great and building need. A desperate want not easily slaked.

Dragonborn-friend halted, as did Orc-friend. They looked worried. Sno - what was left of Sno - scented the air. They were bonded with each other. Not wanting Sno.

“You okay?” said Dragonborn-friend.

She only had one word. “Want.”

“Aw shit,” said Orc-friend. “It’s Luume! Grab her!”

The part of Sno remaining understood ‘grab her’ and the fact that this would stop her getting what she wanted.

She succeeded her Dex saving throw.

*

Need. Want. Need what? Something. Somewhere. Run. Scent. Find.

Find babies! Scent! Little one! Lost little one. Follow-find. Make safe. Keep safe. Keep well. Keep fed.

Big edge! Long fall! Baby not safe! Runrunrunrun find!

“Baby!”

Baby grown up. Didn’t matter. Snatch-grab. Take away. Safe place. Soft place.

“What the shit? Sno! I am not a baby…”

All of that entirely missed the bit of Sno’s brain that was busy actually thinking.

*

Sno had built an Elf Nest out of the cushion and pillow storehouse in the moon. In it, she stowed: Lucretia, Magnus, Taako, and Angus.

She’d also dragged in a good amount of packaged food, so her current captives were okay. For limited definitions of ‘okay’.

Unfortunately, thanks to efforts of the Bureau staff, Sno was in aggressive guardian mode. Not letting anyone else in, and certainly not letting her ‘babies’ out. She also didn’t let anyone close enough to activate her “Off Switch”.

Not that Taako hadn’t been trying.

Sno wasn’t exactly rough with repelling her captives, but she was definitely firm. She’d bite ears enough to sting or, if ears weren’t available, the most convenient limb.

For Taako, two bites were plenty. He made himself comfortable and doled out packages, finding one that hadn’t been anywhere near peanuts.

“Aaannnd this is mine. Might as well settle down for the long fuckin’ haul.” He started munching. “Bathroom’s down that tunnel and no, there’s no avenue for escape.”

“Well, shit,” summarised Magnus.

Angus found one of his preferred treats. “Might as well make the most of it.”

Taako and Magnus tutted and rolled their eyes.

Lucretia voiced a very subtle groan.

Magnus raised a hand. “I’d like to talk about how we’re her babies all of a sudden. I mean. Three of us are grown-ass adults.”

“Didn’t she know us in her home dimension, sirs?” said Angus.

“Yeah. Baby versions of us,” Taako’s finger isolated himself, Magnus and Lucretia. “She must’ve picked on you ‘cause you’re a real baby.”

Civil conversation only devolved from there.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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Still Tumbl'd, Still TAZ - Chapter 77 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

This chapter contains cuteness, fluff, baby twins in sailor suits, and a really predatory school choir program.

[AN: This is an AU of an AU that Duality and I are calling “Glass Canon”, mainly because Sno would fucking shatter the established canon with the least little twitch of causality.]

Lucas Miller warned, “Don’t touch tha–”

A flash of light. The sensation of falling.  A dizzying sensation like being inside-out without being inside out. Then something resembling reality restored itself with dizziness, disorientation, and debilitating nausea.

Snocoun Ton passed out without any realisation of what had gone wrong.

She would realise it as soon as she woke.

*

“I’ve called the four of you here today because of an unexpected event. Our arcane energy detectors found a spike in energy similar to a relic… here on the moon.” Lucretia watched their faces with a stab in her heart. Taako didn’t seem to care. Magnus was instantly alarmed. Merle was wearing his, This shit again, face. Angus was intensely shocked.

“But… every relic that comes to the moon is destroyed. Right?” said Magnus. “I mean, we’ve seen three go down.”

“Yes,” she said. “Yes you have.” Better a plausible truth than a definite lie in front of the world’s greatest detective. “That’s why this arcane energy spike is so alarming. I’m afraid it only gets worse. The epicentre of the spike was in the Miller’s moon-base laboratory, which has been left vacant since the incident with the Philosopher’s Stone.”

“Fuck,” summarised Taako, not even looking anywhere but his nails. “That’s some bad beans.”

“Indeed. I need the four of you to get your asses down there and find out what the shit is happening. If you can contain it, do so. I doubt it’s a relic, but… if it seems like it could be one, Mr McDonald, I want you to retreat the hell out of there at all possible speed.”

“Yes’m.”

“I want you to find out who’s responsible for this and, if you can, bring them back to me alive. If you can’t - at least find out what they were doing, why they were doing it, and how they got that idiot idea in the first place.”

*

Sno moaned as she sat up. The world was still spinning as she tried to make sense of what had happened. The globe she had picked up from Miller’s desk was on the floor beside her. Cracked. Dull. Dead.

The lab around her was covered in a fine layer of dust. Everything here had lain undisturbed for quite some time. Not quite as she last recalled. Someone had thrown a sheet over some things, but not all of them. Her body print and the print of the globe were the only signs of recent life.

What did this idiot thing fucking do, Miller? She was still recovering her wits when the door blasted open.

“MAGNUS RUSHES IN!”

She was used to hearing that from a six-year-old boy adopted by her partner, Avi. He used it whenever he raced into anywhere. This speaker, though, was a grown-ass Humanman of thirty-something. Behind him was a smaller, stouter figure of an older Dwarf, and a slighter figure of a Humanman boy.

He looked a hell of a lot like Angus McDonald… but he’d had a daughter, not a son.

Behind all of them was a puzzling figure. Elven… a Sun Elf. Golden hair, dappled skin. It was the prominent front teeth and the gap between them that made everything click for her.

“Koko?”

“How the fuck do you know my childhood eke name?” he demanded.

But… Elves picked their adult names at one hundred. If he was an adult, then Magnus couldn’t be alive and– “Who’s the kid?”

“Hello, ma’am, I’m Angus McDonald,” he said, and offered his hand.

That was the exact moment that she knew everything was fucked up. It only got worse when they dragged her and the globe back to their Director.

The last time she’d seen Lucretia Clark, she had been bade farewell on her latest day at school. Because she was six years old and still combatting her elective muteness. Sno had kissed her adopted daughter on the forehead and gone to work.

This Lucretia was fifty if she was a day. Regal and authoritative, dripping gravitas from every pore.

Sno couldn’t help but start weeping. “Something’s gone very wrong,” she said.

Old Lucretia cocked an eyebrow that stabbed Sno through the heart and said, “Indeed.”

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6]

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Avi didn’t worry about waking up in Sno’s apartment. She usually dragged him to her spare bedroom when he’d overdone it the night before. She would even have a decent breakfast and some Gator-aid waiting for him by the time he was done having a shower.

World’s best partner.

He didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary with the extra body products in the shower stall. What got his attention was the extra toothbrush.

There was her toothbrush, the guest toothbrush (sterilised for guest protection), and now there was a third toothbrush. Labeled with ‘his’. Hers had a piece of paper tape with the sharpie’d word ‘hers’, now.

Avi was halfway through brushing his teeth when he noticed it.

Sno was busy doing the post-hangover fry-up to restore Avi’s health points, so he was able to sneak into her bedroom to search for clues. Lucretia was likely to wake up any time soon, so he made sure he put on his pants and at least threw on a shirt before wandering out of the bathroom.

Sno’s place was, as always, display room worthy. There were a few scattered toys on the vestiges of Lucretia’s room, and the fallout from making room for her surrounding a closet or two, but it was otherwise pristine.

Sno used hospital corners when she made her bed, and she made her bed every day. Sno kept everything neat. If there was any traces of anyone else there, he’d have to go looking in her closets and drawers.

That would be a definite breach of trust.

Lucretia was sitting neatly at the table when he joined it. She had laid out some picture cards as a breakfast request. A green apple, a pile of pancakes, a syrup bottle, and some whipped cream and berries.

Avi snagged his serving of fry-up and sat a safe distance away from the kid.

“Good morning,” he said.

Lucretia held up a smiling sun card.

“Looks like you picked a good breakfast,” he said. The eggs and sausage were really hitting the spot. The bacon, especially, was just what he needed. The Gator-aid definitely helped his stinging head. So did the painkillers.

Lucretia nodded.

“Still not liking the mouth-words, huh?”

She shook her head.

“Don’t give her grief about it,” warned Sno, still working on pancakes. Her cooking had improved since Lucretia had come to stay. The twins certainly helped with that, too.

“I wasn’t,” said Avi. “And I’m not going to. Words help, that’s all.”

Lucretia had a homemade card. It had Arya Stark on it and the words, Not today.

“Yeah, I get it,” he said. “Sure nothing new’s scaring you.”

She shook her head.

*

There had to be someone in Sno’s life. She smiled a little more, when she thought nobody was looking. She tended to hum. She was more than a little more amenable when people gave her crap.

It was a stakeout that gave him an opportunity to ask. “So. Any other changes in your life?”

“What brought this on, Burnsides?”

“I saw the extra toothbrush in your bathroom. You’ve been having sleepovers, Sno?”

“We have movie nights and he falls asleep on the couch. It’s still PG.”

“Okay. You got a plan when it gets deeper?”

“Nunya, Burnsides.”

Right. Nunya. Nun’ya business. Avi knew when to butt out. “Have I met him?”

“How do you know they’re a him?”

“His and hers labels on the toothbrushes.”

A moment of thought. “…fuck…”

Avi smirked.

*

Lucretia was talking, at last. She wasn’t exactly the world’s biggest chatterbox, but she hadn’t needed her flash cards in an entire year. That was an epic accomplishment, and therefore occasion for a party.

She was a little nerd, so the games were a little more cerebral than they should be for a six-year-old. The older kids attending didn’t mind, even though they were slightly more cerebral than the stuff they were used to.

Some aspects of it were slightly more cerebral than the adults could handle. Nevertheless, the kids adapted.

Avi was having a good enough time, and so was Magnus, who had no truck at all with the rules. “So I get three attacks, right?” the boy asks.

“Not after you double dash,” said Lucretia.

“Aw beans…”

There was one guy at the party that Avi couldn’t place. Tall dude. Looked vaguely familiar. Avi knew he’d seen him before. The only problem was that he couldn’t place the guy.

He was racking his noggin as Johaan attempted to schmooze. Bards made their money with connections.

“Having trouble, sir?” said Angus, who had once refused to find out who Sno’s mystery dude was.

“I know him. I know I know him… But where?”

“Purple tights, pirate shirt, and an 80′s glam wig,” said Angus. “Picture him wearing those.”

It clicked. The Convention Caper. Of fucking course. That Dark Elf had been cosplaying Jareth from Labyrinth. Sno had been wearing a TARDIS dress because she was undercover as a nerd. The fact that she owned a TARDIS dress had flown past Avi’s notice at the time. She and ‘Jareth’ had spent a lot of time talking…

The click as it all came together was almost audible. He immediately went to Sno. “You’re dating a nerd?”

“I have depths, Burnsides. Deal with it.”

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7]

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