Tumbl'd 3: Forever TAZ - Chapter 7 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

In this episode: The origin of bb Magnus.

[AN: That you did. I am a dummins]

It was a beautiful town. High-class folk. Lots of beautiful things. Lots of nicely portable, small, shiny, valuable things on display for any light-fingered person happening by to help themselves.

Which was what Lulu and Koko had just been caught doing by the City Watch.

“We were just lookin’,” Lulu lied. “We’re gonna put ‘em right back.”

One of them slit open her poke. More glittering tchotchkes spilled to the cobbled streets.

“Oh my gods,” Koko attempted. “Sir, we’ve been selected as some vile footpad’s patsy! We had no idea those things were in there…”

“My babies! Oh, my babies!” A glittering, glimmering vision descended on them from a set of stairs like a cloud of glamour wrapped in feathers, rich velvet, and gleaming gold. She sailed over like a conquering galleon. She had pearls at her throat and what appeared to be diamonds in her hair.

The twins almost didn’t recognise her as shy, mousy, softly-spoken Mak’arune.

“Oh you found my poor innocent babies,” she cooed, sweeping the twins into her arms and kissing them both heartily. “Have they hurt you, my darlings?” she wheeled on the guard with the knife. “How dare you accost my babies and damage their property! Do you have any idea who I am?”

Her arrogance sold it, the guards immediately bowed and scraped, tugging at their forelocks. “No, m’m. Our apologies, m’m.”

“Your Grace,” she hissed. “I demand immediate recompence at once for your astonishingly ignorant behaviour. My babies are clearly distraught at this grievous insult.”

Lulu and Koko took the hint and burst into crocodile tears, with cries of ‘Mommy!” and accusations of gross violence.

In less than five minutes, the guards were falling over themselves to press the purloined pieces on her and the twins, and hustling them towards a fine clothier so the twins could be outfitted appropriately, “So the same mistake can’t happen again, your Grace.”

Koko had a panic attack in the changing room, cushioned against Mak’arune’s bosom and listening to her soft, parental purring. “That was so close,” he kept saying. “We nearly lost our ears. Lost our hands. Lost our lives…”

“Close only counts in Horseshoes and fireballs,” Mak’arune soothed. “Just breathe, now. We’re safe. Safe and sound.”

Lulu was still shocked and awed. “That’s the most phenomenal scam I have ever seen. What the fuck, Mak?” She smirked, “Or should I call you ‘your Grace’?”

“Mommy works,” she smiled. Luume’irma had been milder to her, but she still counted the twins as her babies. “Mommy works very well indeed.”

All the same, they didn’t even try shoplifting for the rest of their time in that town.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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Reader Request #96

Aliens vs Dragons – @jazzmaster009

“One small step for an Elf… one… giant leap for Elven kind.”

“Taako, do you have to do this every single time you put first foot on another world?”

“It’s luck, homie. Every time I say those words, my sister and I don’t beef it that year.”

“Oh, so you’re fine, the rest of us can go hang.”

“Dude, as long as one of us is alive to fly the Starblaster, we’re all fine.”

“Just leave him alone, Magnus-dear. My poor dumb baby brother does like his superstitions.”

Lyyrn peeked out from the shrubbery in which she was hiding. So far, these invaders weren’t doing anything worse than arguing with each other. But that didn’t make them any less strange and frightening.

They were peculiar things. Bigger than her; but everyone said she was still a baby. They walked on two legs like a trained bear, and only two among the seven were alike. There was the big hairy one, the small really hairy one, the small not-so-hairy one with the flame-red tuft of hair. There was the really dark one with the really pale hair, the really pale one with the sort-of dark hair… and then those two.

They all had really weird skin that flapped around them as they moved. Red and shiny with gold. The two almost-identical ones had long hair that flowed out and over the red, but some of it was under a different container of some sort. A big red cone on top of their heads.

They all had funny black feet. Really weird black legs, too. Lyyrn was fascinated by the way they walked around without once needing to drop to all fours. But then, they didn’t have tails like Lyyrn’s tail.

“I am liking this planet,” said the one they called Taako. He was reaching up and plucking fruit off the trees. Sniffing their flesh. “Nice landing area, plenty of forage…”

“No light,” said one of the small ones. Lyyrn had to wonder if they were like babies. They were smaller even than her baby sister, and she was tiny.

“Oh sure, sure. Rain on my fuckin’ parade. Make the best of what’s there, I always say.”

“Is that a Taako Original?” teased the one who looked just like Taako.

“Eheheheheh,” mocked Taako. “You’re so funny.”

Then the big hairy one parted the bushes where Lyyrn had been hiding. His weird, flat face split open to show even weirder teeth. “Guys,” he whispered, “I found a dragon…”

“We are not taking it with us,” said the little one with the red tufts. That one sounded so much like a Mama that Lyyrn really wondered what was up with these alien creatures.

She froze, resorting to baby instinct and not even thinking about her elemental breath.

“Aaw, did I scare da poor widdle ting,” cooed the big hairy one. “Iss okay… iss okay.” It put its paw by her nose, and a very odd smell invaded her nostrils. Not like anyone or anything she knew. That paw ran gently over her scales as he cooed, “There, there, there… I won’t hurt you.” And let her sniff again. Its scent and her scent mingled.

That was a trick for animals. “I’m not an animal,” she said. “Lea’me alone or Mama’s gonna get you.”

“Oh tits,” said Taako.

“Fucking run!” yelled the copy.

Mama came to the rescue, swooping down and making all the aliens rush for their silver… thing. A thing that lifted off from the ground and sailed to a safe distance in precisely the way that clouds didn’t.

Mama scooped her up and flew her back to the nest and spent most of the evening watching the night sky for silver things.

Three days later, the silver thing hovered like a cloud. Right where Lyyrn and Mama could see it. It was not doing anything at all. Just… staying there. Carefully out of breath range.

If Lyyrn squinted, she could see the small really hairy one being held up on the front of the silver thing by the big hairy one.

Mama made Lyyrn stay in the nest as she did a fly-by. There were words. The aliens talked low and soft and so did Mama. No matter how much Lyyrn leaned on the edge of the nest, she couldn’t make out what was said.

Mama came up to the nest, and the silver thing followed. Lyyrn hunkered back down in the nest, watching as they both flew closer. She feared the thing, but Mama trusted it enough to let it come close. Mama knew what was safe. Lyyrn had to trust Mama.

The strangers were… weird… but they were okay. They were friendly aliens. The big, hairy one - Magnus - apologised for trying animal tricks on her. They told all kinds of wonderful stories, and even though they were odd, they were nice.

It took Lyyrn all of two hours to forget about being afraid of them.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6]

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Tumbl'd 3: Forever TAZ - Chapter 3 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

In this episode: the aftermath of the luume’irma episode from a previous anthology.

It was easy to tell when Taako was stressing out about shit. He had morphing hair and zero control over it, so when it curled, he was freaked out. Its natural state was that of a slightly wooly wave, but here on the moon? He had ringlets on his good days.

Merle knew his botany, and giving an Elf the traditional de-stresser - extract of Dreamroot - would only make things worse. Elves needed a different source of mellow. Better yet, he had recently been reminded of what that was. On the way to Wave Echo cave, Taako had stopped to pluck a dandelion gone to seed.

He’d blown a good half or more of the seeds off and muttered, “Some for the wild,” and then tucked the rest, and some leaves, into a little pouch that also held a very small clay pipe in its folds. Their Elf wizard was also a ‘lion fiend.

No wonder he was stupid as fuck. He spent most of his life high as a kite on dandelions. Given how stressed out he was, Merle could see why.

There were no dandelions on the moon. Everything up on the Bureau base was carefully catered, meticulously planned, and rigidly controlled. There were no ‘lion fiends on the moon. Well. There hadn’t been until Taako had been forced to go cold turkey by the surrounds he was trapped in.

So he had taken a trip down to some vacant lots on the surface, and harvested some seeds before coming back up with some cover shopping.

A few little ceramic pots. A few measures of good, rich soil. A quiet place with sunshine that nobody could find… and there were dandelions on the moon. He carefully selected some of the beginning leaves and dried them according to the proper specifications, bundling them up in a little envelope of waxed paper.

The next meeting Taako attended, Merle slipped him the envelope. “From the department of Don’t Tell the Director.”

He peeked. “Aaaww… yiss…”

*

Angus McDonald, fresh new Seeker for the Bureau of balance, had crept out after the Wizard Reclaimer known as Taako. He was an enigma. A self-proclaimed idiot wizard who somehow managed to have a ‘moment of clarity’ that solved the entire case.

He was pretty sharp, actually. Angus suspected that Taako might be playing the fool at expert levels.

Taako’s braids were tight and stiff, standing out against his skull and looking almost ready to snap. He busied himself with something small that easily fit in the cup of his hand. There was a sparkle of Prestidigitation and a hint of small flame. Taako inhaled deeply, held that breath, and the golden braids fell loose and lax. Still perfect, because Elves never had a hair out of place, but far less curly than it usually was.

A plume of smoke smelling vaguely like burning leaf litter, and Taako was leaning, far more relaxed, against the corner he had once only had his shoulder propped against. He fought outright collapse and mumbled, “Dayumn, Merle… That’s some shit…”

Angus knew what this was. “You smoke ‘lion, sir?”

Taako looked. “Aw shit.” A sigh. A different curse. “Yeah. I got like… hypertension or some shit. I take it to chill out. Keeps me off’a the panic attacks.”

“I’d heard dandelion had some medicinal use for Elves, sir. But… how is it possible to take more of a hit than you intended?”

“How’d you…? Wait. World’s greatest detective. Yeah.” He pondered the smouldering remnants in the pipe and snuffed it. “Thing is… thing is… thing… thing… Thing is… Merle… has to fuck. With everything.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Especially plants. It gets gross. Real gross.”

Angus connected the dots despite Taako’s evident inebriation. “Mr Highchurch has been breeding stronger dandelions.”

“Kind’a lucky he wasn’t breeding with them,” mumbled Taako. “Every fuckin’ time he slides me a new supply, it’s…” He wavered. Drooped. Shook himself back to consciousness. “Way stronger. Way, way, way, way stronger.”

Angus helped him sit down before he fell down. “Sir, if you know it’s stronger, why don’t you cut back on your dosage?”

Taako attempted to focus and rolled ones five times in a row. “Kid,” he said. “I’m awready doin’ that.”

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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Sometimes… it’s good to get away from the kids. Kustaad, La’ming Ton, Mak’arune, and Montgomery Pithon were glad enough to leave the twins with Kri with Tri’fel and Exandria as the grownups took a break from their combined shenanigans in the Varmvale Inn.

Montgomery was enjoying things slightly less, since he was used to parenting two of the remaining three whilst they were on the road. It took him a good percentage of the evening to get drunk enough to relax.

Kustaad, on the other hand, was well into his cups. It took a lot to get an Elf drunk, and the Varmvale ale was thick and strong and potent as hell. “Tha’ li’l Koko,” he rambled. “He’s goin’ be trouble.”

“I know he’s a rough diamond,” said Mak’arune, who could not hold her ale. “But he’s… he’s real sweet. Th’ poor boy’s been through lots… Lots ‘n’ lots ‘n’ lots ‘n’ lots….”

La’ming took the tankard out of Mak’arune’s fingers. “I’m pretty sure you’ve had enough, there, dear.”

“I think,” said Kustaad. “I think… I think… I think I’m starting to think… That poor li’l boy might… just be sweet on me a li’l.”

Montgomery was glad he couldn’t roll his eyes. Everyone in the circus knew that Koko was fully occupied with pining for Kustaad. Happily married Kustaad. Old enough to literally be his father Kustaad. Also ripped, more than a little bit of a nerd, and thoroughly beautiful even for an Elf.

“I think you might be right,” he announced. “You’re kind of his type.”

“I’m also… approaching… Threehunnerd an’ fi’tty…” Kustaad belched. “I gotta… I gotta… uh… I gotta baby… tha’ss closer to his age’n I am.”

La’ming chuckled. “Babies always gotta get crushes onna grownups,” she said. “I remember this one time? In Freeport? I was only a hundred and thirty, but that didn’t matter… This li’l fifty-year-old squirt tries to sneak into my tent after th’ show…”

Mak’arune latched on to Montgomery’s arm. “Y’r th’ bess’ boss inna wholewide worl’… di’joo-di’joo-di’joo-di’jooo… know that?”

“You’re very drunk,” said Montgomery.

“…didn’t notice until I was halfway outta my costume, y’aw’msayin…”

Mak’arune’s eyes began to mist over. “Are you mad at me?”

“I’ll be less mad if I have my arm back, thankyou,” he allowed. I’ll be really mad at you tomorrow, when you can appreciate it. To add to the freedom, he gently tipped Mak’arune towards La’ming.

“…so there I am in tights and skimpy little panties, my bra half off… More’n half off if you get my drift… And he pops outta the clothes basket like, ‘tah-dah! You gotta love me’… so o’ course I– Hey!”

“Y’re ver’ preddy,” said Mak’arune.

“You’re kind’a adorbs yourself,” slurred La’ming.

The worst thing about tonight, Montgomery reflected, was that none of these Elves would remember any kind of progress they might make tonight.

Damn it.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7]

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Another village, another attempt at keeping the Bail Fund intact for another fortnight. This time, at least, La’ming Ton was there to help keep the twins in rein.

Allegedly.

“I’ll have your strongest ale,” said Koko.

“He’s having a mild cider shandy[1],” said La’ming. She wheeled to face Lulu, “And so are you, young miss.”

Lulu switched to Street Elven, “These are Humanmen, they can’t possibly know.”

“Elves already have a reputation for being duplicitous, deceptive lawbreakers. The last thing we need to enforce that reputation. So you two under-age Elves are drinking shandies. End of.”

The twins grumbled, but suffered to drink shandies.

Raucous laughter erupted from a card table across the inn.

“That’s what I like to see,” roared the most obnoxious one. “Tame Elves.”

One of his lieutenants laughed even louder and said, “Rather see ‘em hangin’ in a ‘pothecary to dry!”

“Hey, hey. Careful. They can hear us,” said another lieutenant. “With ears like that, they can hear your hand!”

The twins were growling under their breaths. La’ming, with her ears docked and her disguise on, rested a hand on one each of theirs. “Okay,” she said in Street Elven, “Now is the time we run the kind of scam where we let them walk home in their breechclouts.”

The twins turned to assess the quartet of boozy card players. “We have three… We could run the Winterheim Two-step.”

“I was thinking of the Passholdt Handshake.”

“How about somewhere in-between? The Goldcliff Warm Welcome.”

The twins grinned like sharks. “Goldcliff. I like it.”

La’ming sighed. “I don’t know whether it’s more disturbing that I know what all those are… or that you do.”

The game, known to hustlers as the Goldcliff Warm Welcome, was also known as skin the guys who are going to learn better. It began with La’ming airing a little more cleavage and hiking up more than a mere corner of her skirt.

The twins insisted on speaking only in Gutter Elven, a language that La’ming insisted was their twin talk. She also gave them the story that the twins were found wild and didn’t understand Common. A ‘fact’ that emboldened the Humanman quartet to be louder and more boisterous than they had been before.

It took only a few hours to rid them of every coin they had on them, all their jewelry, every single weapon in their possession, and most of their clothing. They were also getting the message but, as Koko and Lulu gathered up the spoils, Koko had to twist the knife.

“Just so you know,” he said to their astonished and gaping faces. “It’s really bad luck to insult an Elf.”

La’ming hurried them out of there and back to the safety of the Circus campgrounds. Haul and all. There, she made the twins vow that they wouldn’t leave the grounds until the Circus left with them.

Three weeks later, when they left for another town, La’ming noticed that her savings jar was a lot more full than she knew it had been a mere week ago. Of course she confronted her adopted kids the instant she found it.

“Did you two have anything to do with the extra coin in my restoration fund?”

“Depends,” said Koko. “Are you mad about it?”

Lulu elbowed him. Hissed a stop-talking noise with some urgency.

La’ming took a breath. Parenting these two was a constant negotiation. “I’d only be mad if you took any risks. Like going into the town when I told you it was dangerous. Especially going into the town without an escort to make sure you’re,” not arrested, “safe.”

“We never left the circus grounds,” said Lulu truthfully.

“We gave all that stuff we skinned off’a those dudes to Monty so he could hock ‘em for us,” added Koko. “And we put all of it into your jar.”

“No Elf should have their ears docked,” said Lulu. “It’s painful and limits expression and…” her voice fell to a mumble, “…’n’ I read of how it can cause problems in y’r dome piece…”

They could have blown all that coin on fashion, luxuries, ingredients, or even treats for themselves. They could have wasted it on potions and pipeweed. “You… really put all that profit into my restoration fund?”

The twins looked at each other, and joined hands. “Every last copper,” they said together.

She swept them up in her arms and smooched the heck out of their adorable little faces. “Thank you, thank you. I’ve got the best babies in the world.”

“Stop it…” whined Koko without much conviction.

“You’re embarrassing,“ added Lulu without any honesty.

[1] Shandy: mixing small amounts of alcohol with large amounts of lemonade or sweetened soda water.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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Still Tumbl'd, Still TAZ - Chapter 95 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

In this chapter: Luume shenanigans on the Starblaster.

TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6

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The longer Alter-Sno remained on the moon, the worse she seemed to be. Her mood just kept on dropping to the point where there was a guard set up around the edges of the moon. Not that it was needed, she seemed determined to remain alive no matter how much hell she had to go through to do it.

Taako couldn’t fathom how she could be so bummed out. He had never needed anyone or anything, and failed to see how anyone else could need more. However, he could feel the sadness oozing off of her like a chill, cloying fog. Such as right now.

He didn’t even know she was passing behind him until the gooseflesh overtook his entire body despite the footie pyjamas, the shawl, and the hooded cloak he was wearing against the morning.

“Brrr… I dunno about you guys, but she is bumming me out.”

“Yeah, that’s a definite cloud of doom she’s got, there.”

“We should do something,” said Magnus.

“Naaaah,” said Merle, “Put three drops of Dreamroot extract into her ‘lion and she’ll be fine. Right as rain.”

Taako glared at him. “Just one question,” he said. “What the FUCK?”

“I have the same question,” said Madam Director, apparently manifesting spontaneously behind Merle. “You don’t mix Dreamroot and smoking weeds, Merle.”

“Well, maybe you don’t,” Merle began.

Taako tuned out of the incipient argument. Things were headed down the tube, for sure. The only question was how deep and how fast.

*

Merle sat down beside Alter-Sno as she stared up at the stars. “Thoughts of home?”

Tears remained unshed in her eyes. “Yeah. My baby’s waiting for me. I dunno how much time is passing back home. She’s gotta be so worried… I promised her… I promised…”

“Here,” he offered a rolled-up cigarette paper that was lumpish in odd places and smelled… familiar. “Smokee this, you’ll feel better.”

She knew that stink, and tried not to inhale very much. “You shove that in my face again, I’ll shove your entire arm up your own asshole.”

“Oh… kay…” Merle quickly made the joint vanish. “I’ll keep it handy in case you need it.”

*

Magnus had thought hard about this. Obviously getting her a puppy was a bad idea. Dogs wouldn’t remain on the moon. Giving her a puppy that would only run right off the dang thing would not help her overall mood.

He had spent quite a lot of time working on this. The creature inside the travel cage just had to make her smile.

“Hey,” he said. “I know this isn’t your kid, but… it’s company.”

She lifted the cloth. “It’s a pigeon.”

“It’s a homing pigeon,” said Magnus. “It won’t take fall damage if it wanders off the moon and it’ll always come back to you.”

Sno stared at him. It was a look Magnus was used to. It was a Look that said, he can’t possibly be as dumb as he seems right now. She said, “Thanks… I think.”

The pigeon just cooed and rolled ones at comprehending the world.

*

Taako launched straight into his thoughts the instant Alter-Sno opened the door. “So I can’t give you the baby of the base, right. He’s like annoyingly smart and shit. He’d come up with fifteen different reasons why it’s illegal. So I didn’t bother.” He swanned into her apartment. “Then I thought - food basket? But I have no fuckin’ idea about your favourites, so that’d be a wash. Then - a stroke of genius.” He started making tea.

“Genius,” echoed Alter-Sno.

“Yeah. See. You know a younger version of me, and you’re… so very worried about how my other self turned out. So I’m gonna tell you my backstory. Any step forward from where I wound up is bound to raise your spirits about my other self.”

Alter-Sno fussed with giving some seeds to a pigeon. “You figured that out, huh?”

Taako poured some tea. “So let’s start at age three. The genetic donor responsible for fathering me was a superstitious shit and took my heterochromia as a sure sign that I was both bad luck and demon-made. He and Mom fought a hell of a lot before her an off…”

Considering what she knew of her Koko’s past, there were a few key points in common. Absentee father who suffered under the burdens of superstition and immaturity, a mother who died too young, some portion of life with relatives, some of whom were assholes. And, as she listened, a lot more of life on the streets.

Taako had nobody and nothing, and he still managed to become something of a hero. The Koko she knew had a much better foothold on a better future.

The Koko she knew had a sister. He had a family who cared. He had an education. He was… he was doing okay. Further, he would be there to help Lucretia when Sno couldn’t return home.

For the first time, she was starting to feel like things could be okay.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6]

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Still Tumbl'd, Still TAZ - Chapter 93 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

In this chapter - there’s Sno place like home…

TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7