Daily OpusEverything I write is freely rebloggable. Just keep the source and tell people about my books :D [Until I decide otherwise, my pronouns are Ze/Hir/Hirself. As in "Ze went to the shops to get hir medication hirself". Thank you for the respect.]
HOW TO BE A WOMAN;
a style guide based on
things I have genuinely seen
on the internet:
CLOTHING:
1. jeans are so cute they show you’re a laid-back kind of girl
2. don’t wear jeans, they’re so lazy
3. DO wear jeans, just not high-waisted ones
4. but never sweatpants
5. unless you’re not wearing underwear (cute winky face)
6. a sweater is fine if you’re half naked, else it’s bulky
7. dress tasteful, dread the curse that no one will marry you
8. but don’t dress like a prude, fear the reality no one will want you
9. also don’t wear makeup or like fashion because it’s shallow
10. but always be wearing makeup and nice clothes
11. going shopping for new clothes - dumb girls, am i right?
12. but having the same four shirts is legitimately posion
13. crop tops are in
14. and also one of the sixteen traits men HATE that are happening
15. spaghetti straps are way too alluring, bake alive in the summer
16. you don’t deserve cheap but durable clothing, it is a myth
17. and on that note, so are pockets
BODY:
1. you’re not a woman without curves!
2. but like in all the right places
3. not like thin-thin but like thin
4. like be a victoria’s secret model is what we’re saying
5. actually you know what try not to have any body whatsoever, we much prefer a glowing orb of cotton candy and glitter
BEHAVIOR:
1. be confident!
2. well actually men like women who show weakness
3. thirty, flirty, and thriving
4. but actually you should be twenty-five and modest and a housewife
5. know how to cook, clean, and sew
6. and also watch sports, change your own engine, and drive a truck
7. the strongest woman lets a man help her!
8. but really honey when will you clean up the house a little
9. be passionate, be charismatic, be fun
10. but don’t overwhelm him with your obssession, it’s gross
11. and don’t be an attention seeker, save the charm for in private
12. also above all don’t be crazy! follow his lead in adventures
13. speak your mind
14. never do that i lied
15. go out there and find your own guy, there’s no prince charming
16. just kidding the guy you picked is trash all girls love jerks
17. apologize before asking questions or speaking or when existing
18. friendly reminder from an old guy that apologies are a weakness
19. be cute and mysterious: have issues that your partner can solve
20. wait we just realized having real problems isn’t actually cute at all
21. like, you know, let him save you, but don’t be, like, mentally ill
22. also, save him, he is a sad protagonist
23. be funny but never as funny as the guy in the room
24. the real kind of beautiful is unconventional
25. here are sixteen supermodels who look nothing like that
26. kissing girls is only acceptable if a man is present to watch
27. your behavior when drunk isn’t concerning, it’s vine-worthy
28. nobody will help you, you got yourself into this mess
29. say no to food, to sex, to drugs, to liquor, it’s crass to have fun
30. do not write feminist poetry you will get your own reddit thread
31. but don’t be afraid express yourself, make a splash
32. oh god not like that
33. being single is okay as long as you’re straight and pretty
34. everything you do, say, think, or feel will be judged to an extent that you will have to question your own motives and behaviors before engaging in them
35. but go out there, have some fun! it’s great to be a woman!
—Pro tip: usually when a straight guy gives you advice on how to be a woman, he’s not telling you to help you. He’s telling you to help himself. [A list I could never finish] // r.i.d (via inkskinned)
Just remember. There is no such thing as a fake geek girl. There are only fake geek boys. Science fiction was invented by a woman.
Specifically a teenage girl. You know, someone who would be a part of the demographic that some of these boys are violently rejecting.
Isaac Asimov.
yo mary shelley wrote frankenstein in 1818 and isaac asimov was born in 1920 so you kinda get my point
If you want to push it back even further Margaret Cavendish, the duchess of Newcastle (1623-1673) wrote The Blazing World in 1666, about a young woman who discovers a Utopian world that can only be accessed via the North Pole - oft credited as one of the first scifi novels
Women have always been at the forefront of literature, the first novel (what we would consider a novel in modern terms)was written by a woman (Lady Muraskai’s the Tale of Genji in the early 1000s) take your snide “Isaac Asimov” reblogs and stick it
even in terms of male scifi authors, asimov was predated by Jules Verne, HG Wells, George Orwell, you could have even cited Poe or Jonathan Swift has a case but Asimov?
PbbBFFTTBBBTBTTBBTBTTT so desperate to discredit the idea of Mary Shelly as the mother of modern science fiction you didn’t even do a frickin google search For Shame
And if you want to go back even further, the first named, identified author in history was Enheduanna of Akkad, a Sumerian high priestess.
Kinda funny, considering this Isaac Asimov quote on the subject:
Mary Shelley was the first to make use of a new finding of science which she advanced further to a logical extreme, and it is that which makes Frankenstein the first true science fiction story.
Even Isaac Asimov ain’t having none of your shit, not even posthumously.
You know what else was invented by women? Masked vigilantes, the precursor to the modern superhero. Baroness Emma Orczy wrote The Scarlet Pimpernel in 1905.
The character would later inspire better known masked vigilantes such as Zorro and Batman.
Stick that in your international pipe and smoke it
I have literally been telling people this for over a year.
the first extended prose piece - ie a novel, was not, as many male scholars will shout, Don Quixote (1605) but The Tale of Genji (1008) written by a woman
The first autobiography ever written in English is also attributed to a woman, The Book of Margery Kempe (1430s).
The day may come when I find this post and do not reblog it, but it is not this day.
On the day when I stop reminding geekboys who shame the female geek contingent that WE STARTED THIS SHIT, you’ll all be getting a visit from my cackling ghost. Who will then proceed to reblog this FOR ALL ETERNITY.
So I woke up today (Feb. 20, 2015, 7:14 AM here on my side of the world) to a glorious Twitter rant from one of my favourite authors about how one can’t say the “hard” sciences are more important than the “soft” sciences, and why neglecting things like history and anthropology is really lazy writing.
Okay so I’m pretty sure she just summoned the ghost of michael jackson with her shakuhachi and the koto(s?) breathed new life into the breakdown. WATCH.
You have three islands. Divide them into groups of one. The straight island, the gay island, and the lesbian island. The straight island is going to reproduce and keep going strong for millions of generations to come. The gay and lesbian islands will both wipe out in not even one century. This isn’t just about religion or morals, it’s just simple common sense. Being gay is unnatural, and not just because God said so, but because you yourself wouldn’t even be born without a REAL natural man and woman. And no, there is no such thing as a lesbian bone marrow “thing” to have children. That’s a biased fact that came from a lesbian scientist who has false opinions. If it’s not a real penis or vagina, then it’s fucking false and you’re just opinionated by dumb facts. I’m done here. Read over what I said and if you still think that being gay is normal and natural, then I hope you achieve some common sense one day. Bye
Where is this gay island located.. asking for a friend
I just have SO MANY questions. Why were we all separated onto different islands? Did the government sanction this? If so, why? Why didn’t we revolt against this tyrannical government? Where are these islands? How were they chosen? Are the continents of the world abandoned? What kind of resources are on each island? Are they the same or different? Does each island have a right to form its own government or does the government that segregated us still rule? If so, what island do they rule from and how do they communicate with the other two islands? If they can communicate with the other two islands, can all three islands communicate with each other? If the straight people keep reproducing, won’t their island become overpopulated and their resources depleted? Islands only have so much space right? Do straight people stop having gay kids? Isn’t it a fact that, to date, straight people are the largest manufacturers of gay kids? If a gay kid is born on straight island, do they get sent to their appropriate island? Wouldn’t that aid in the re-population of gay and lesbian island? What about people who are attracted to more than one gender? Are they just lost at sea, floating aimlessly? Is the ocean full of listless pansexuals, floating nowhere? Or are they trapped in some sort of purgatory because they don’t fit on any one island? Are there trees on lesbian island? Is it conceivable that if there were, a large group of lesbians could build a boat? Have you ever seen lesbians around timber? If they built a boat, could they travel to gay island? How far apart are the islands? If they could travel to gay island, would they be able to collect semen, return to lesbian island, and repopulate the island? Would they be able to send some of those children to gay island? Do trans people exist in this world? If so, wouldn’t they be able to aid in repopulation? If the lesbians decided to declare war on the heterosexuals, would they be able to reach their island? On the way to heterosexual island, could the lesbians pick up the gays and scoop the floating bisexuals from the sea? If so, would they all be able to go and attack heterosexual island together, wiping out its people’s, stealing its children and taking all its resources? Does this fantasy world get you off at night? Please write back soon!
Speaking up from the pansexual archipelago: I too have these questions
Checking in from bisexual bay: The boats are nearly complete and are equipped with a special invisibility function. We attack at dawn
Fuck the questions, lemme on that boat, I’m coming with you
*random ace just floating away into the sky like a balloon*
I am so here for an asexual sky nation. We live in floating cities and master the wind currents. Newly minted ace youths are sent up to us in baskets suspended under hot air balloons. We breed giant birds to bear us through the skies, or else build ourselves wings and gliders to fly in their midst. The only land we know are the tallest mountain peaks and the world is a bright blue gem spreading out beneath us.
(And we will of course be providing air support for the impending attack on Straight Island)
OP’s nasty-ass post got turned into a goddamn sci-fi dystopian adventure and I’m so here for it.
oh my god Bisexual Buccaneers from Both-Ways Bay is both a porn tile and my new life goals
i’m an asexual homoromantic does this make me our young heroine torn between worlds
You spend part of your time on lesbian island, learning the stories, and traditions, and part of your time in the vast floating asexual cities, training with your eagle so that you can one day become one of the chosen few: the messengers, who carry letters and passengers between islands, jumping the heterosexual blockades. When you enter this select group, you’re assigned the job of collecting reports from spies pretending to heterosexual on straight island, flying in at the dead of night, risking discovery to collect vital intelligence. You fall in love with a pansexual girl who’s chosen to hide her orientation so she can aid the Resistance. At the climax of the novel, you swoop down from above on your giant eagle to rescue your lady love from a frenzied mob. As straight island burns in the background, you share a chaste kiss and cuddle while discussing the possibility of a mountain-top pansexual outpost.
IT CAME BACK AROUND AND IT GOT BETTER!
Long ago all the sexuality lived in peace, but everything changed when the bisexuals attacked in their invisible boats…
Oh god, I can’t stop giggling about this…I’ll just be over here in my invisible boat….
![sillyandquiteawkward:
“ [tea kettle whistle]
”](https://64.media.tumblr.com/a101e00f551f6f24f708e1af3b4ef51a/tumblr_o9noohlg791ranpeso1_500.jpg)