Challenge #00407 - A042: Temptrotica’s Big Test
Aaand another one
http://callmegallifreya.tumblr.com/post/73660380194/littlemissmochablue-lalonde-strider-i-want-a
[AN: I would consider it a courtesy that the original poster of these ideas is notified that said idea has become a thing. I can’t always do so myself]
Life was generally easy for a succubus. For starters, she never had to go hungry, so long as there were MRAs in the world.
It usually went like this:
1) Find the nearest neck-beard with a trilby on his head who mistakenly called it a fedora.
2) Smile at him
After that, it was just giggling, flirting, and free alcohol until he decided that he was owed sex and she got a free feed.
Nobody would miss them anyway.
Not tonight. Tonight, the only trilby-wearing neck beard in the club was propping up the counter in extreme disinterest. Sipping club soda and evidently trying not to fall asleep.
Temptrotica bumped into him accidentally-on-purpose and made sure his water spilled all over her front. “Oh! Aaaaaw…”
The guy handed her the paper napkins. Handed them to her! Any other neck-beard she knew would be falling all over himself to lay his hands on her copious breasts.
Maybe he was one of those rare, self-diagnosed ‘gentlemen’ who thought manners paid for sex, too. Temptrotica did her best to show off her assets as she mopped up the spill. “Thank you. It’s so nice to meet someone who respects personal boundaries.”
“You’re welcome,” came the neutral reply.
“Usually, I have like, a dozen guys trying to stick their whole arm down my cleavage…” Hint, hint.
“Yeah, I can see how that would be a pain.”
What the hell? “Can I sit here?”
“Sure.”
He was handsome enough, in a neck-beardy way. Not the usual gamer-chub that came with the hat and the hairstyle. His body-speak didn’t say Leave Me Alone, but it didn’t say I’m Looking, either.
“What’s a gentleman like yourself doing in a nightclub like this?”
He pointed to the water. “Designated driver.”
“Religious?” she asked, since the uptight ones had interesting hidden depths. And amazing energy. She could often leave those walking away pleasantly surprised.
“Allergic.”
“Wow, that’s got to suck. How do you even have a good time?”
“Well, for starters, I usually don’t let my friends take me to a nightclub so they can score.”
“Where are your friends?”
He scanned the crowd. “Those fucking shit-holes abandoned me again! Fuck. I could kill those shits…”
“Why are you even friends with them?”
“I’m starting to question that, myself.” He smiled and said the magic words. “Want to get out of here?”
*
It was a nice night. He certainly knew how to have a good time. But he didn’t touch her. He didn’t look. And he certainly wasn’t getting any creepshots. She’d know.
“Charles?”
“Yeah?”
“Is there something wrong with me?”
“What? No! You’re perfectly… perfectly… uhm… hot, I guess.”
“We should be making out or something…”
Sigh. A shameful droop of his head. “It’s literally not you. It’s me. I’m… asexual.”
OH. “Shit,” she shook her head. “I was starting to think my game was broken.”
“Wow. That’s it? No amoeba comments? No 'how do you survive’? No 'so you don’t have junk’ bullshit?”
“No, I’m familiar with all the varied kinks. And un-kinks. Y'see…” She sighed and looked away. “I’m a succubus.”
“Wow. Sucks to be you, tonight.”
She thought about this. “You know… it’s actually nice to have company that doesn’t want to get into my pants. Do you… like… physical contact?”
“Well, yeah. I’m not aromantic. It’s just… people expect things. It’s difficult. I actually cultivated this look so that ladies would avoid me.”
“And I hunt people who look like that because they usually think they’re entitled to sex!”
They laughed. Held hands for the first time in the evening. It felt nice to get cozy with someone.
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Challenge #00406 - A041: One Sad Afternoon on a Street Corner of NuFurria
Found another one
http://deathcomes4u.tumblr.com/post/73661805922/buggy-heichou-rotking-johnthedragon
Walking was a problem. And it was a problem because of Boxing.
When an owner got tired of their Uplift, or the cute Bull-Terrier/Wolf pup became too big, or it chewed the furniture or peed on things or otherwise acted like a dog who the owner hadn’t bothered to train… they were put in a box, and left on a corner, and told to wait for someone to take them home.
And every single time someone walked by, or slowed their car, the Boxed Uplift would look up in hope and optimism. Watch the humans who might own them pass. And wish.
Sometimes, they would get food from the kind-hearted. Sometimes, they would slink into the alleys and become a Stray. Sometimes, they would sit and wait in that box until they died of exposure or starvation or both.
One in twenty would get adopted into a home that wanted them. One in one hundred would actually find the loving home some boxes proclaimed they were free to.
Aelki had been writing reports about this to the Cogniscent Rights Committee for the better part of a Galactic Standard Year(1). As a Hitchhiker, there were morals and laws she had to uphold that went beyond the normal travel advisories.
The Rules of the Loyal Order of Hitchhikers were many, but the good ones managed to float upwards into the low numbers. Rules like, Don’t judge, or Don’t interfere were vitally necessary for survival, but the really good rule of, If you have to break the rules, break them good and hard, was an escape clause that a Hitchhiker could live with.
Aelki knew from watching that this particular Uplift was a chimera of wolf and any breed of dog known for its muscles. Bred or made for the arena and left on the corner with only the box to cover his dignity. There were no scars in his fur. Which only meant that the scars were on the inside.
This, she knew, would require the Big Towel. And more time on Nufurria, busking and storytelling and outright begging for a flight anywhere the heck away from Nufurria.
“Hi there,” she said to the big dog. He towered above her, even in a sitting position. “Would you like to come home with me?”
A smile full of fangs that could bring nightmares to any kind dentist. A frantically wagging tail. “Home please? Yes please! Clothes please?”
She helped him put a towel around his hips. Fastened it in place with a safety pin. “This will do for now. We need to go shopping for something that will fit you. I’m Aelki. What’s your name?”
Confused, the giant dog picked up the box he’d been sitting in and read -painfully- the first word he could understand. “Or… Oray… O'Ranges.”
She wanted to cry, but she had to smile. “Good boy. Let’s go on an adventure, hey?” The Cogniscent Rights Committee was going to hear about this even if she had to carry O'Ranges into their offices herself.
(1) Twenty-four hours in a Standard Day, ten Days in a Standard Week, four Weeks in a Standard Month and ten Months in a Standard Year. Only humans find this confusing.
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Challenge #00400 - A035: The Growing List of Things Rabbit Should Never Do Again
“And that’s when I discovered my hoodie could get stuck on my nose”
“She walked in-to a pole five times,” added Hatchworth.
“What? It was a fre-freindly p-p-pole.”
“Not that friendly,” noted The Spine. “It knocked half your face off.”
“It was t-t-t-t-tryin’ ta help, Th’ Spine. Not its fault it doesn’t have hands.”
“I did try to tell them that this was a bad idea, sir,” said The Spine, compelled to get the facts solidly out there.
“We did give up af-ter Rab-bit scared three chil-dren,” supplied Hatchworth.
“Only ‘c-c-c-cause I was trying find my face.”
“I wan-ted to have the hood-ie.”
The Spine looked heavenwards and sighed steam. He couldn’t have written Why me? any clearer on his face if he’d used a sharpie.
“Ya can’t have a hoodie and a hat,” Rabbit argued. “That’s a fa-fashion faux passé.” She sniffed in an exaggerated manner and, almost predictably, got her nose snagged in the hoodie again.
Bebop shut them down before they could get into another loop.
Peter Walter VI sighed and bought up The List. There was a list for every steam-powered automaton, but this one got the capitals owing to its size. Of course it was the list of things that Rabbit is no longer allowed to do.
Somewhere on the top was “Buy a toaster”.
Peter scrolled down to the bottom and added, “Wear modern clothing.” After that, it was just a matter of finding out where GG had hidden the scissors, this time.
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Challenge #00399 - A034: Creative Critiquing
An excellent “non-sequitur, thud”. 8.4, minus a 0.5 because you didn’t faceplant into the convenient messy food.
When one has a real, live almost-human from Earth’s twentieth century as a resource, one can expect a certain amount of things. Revivals, for instance. Things got dredged up from the extensive lists of entertainment footage in possession of the Archivaas. T-shirts made a comeback when they really should have stayed away.
Disco came back from the dead.
And, thanks to Shayde, so did Vaudeville.
On the upside, he was earning quite a bit of his recordings of her reacting to things she watched and/or listened to. It never ceased to amaze Rael how people would fall over themselves to gain access to a recording of someone talking over a ‘movie’.
The downside was, in order to gain the profit, he had to spend time 'cozied up’ to Shayde.
Popcorn helped, but not enough.
This example was a series of skits with people pretending to be robots. The makeup was effective, as was the mime, and this one had some degree of technical difficulty, owing to the fact that it was shot inside a mansion that did not actually exist.
“I have a ques-tion,” said the designated ditz of the crew.
“And what would that be?” asked the straight man.
“Why is pea-nut but-ter?”
The straight man, naturally, malfunctioned and impacted a food-filled table, face first.
“Excellent non-sequiteur-thud,” said Shayde. “Eight point four. Minus point five fer missin’ the convenient, messy food.”
“To be fair, they would also miss out on two more hours’ of applying makeup,” Rael felt compelled to point out.
“Aye, there is that. This lot’re still low-budget. 'Studio time is valuable, darlin’.”
Great. Yet another reference he’d have to look up and annotate for the Archivaas. Not that it didn’t pay well, but… Just once, he’d like to have a conversation with her that didn’t involve research.
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Challenge #00398 - A033: Come for the Spectacle…
Inspired by this: http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/weird/NATL-Mom-Eats-Monstrous-Steak-in-Under-3-Minutes–239490021.html
Competitive eating may have been a thing before humans or it may not have, but they certainly made it more interesting: It suddenly jumped three rating warnings, and became a spectator sport for those brave enough to watch.
The first interspecies restaurant had a glass-walled enclosure for the humans. Polarized glass walls. Those who did not wish to view human eating habits could purchase or rent shields for their eyes that were also polarised so as to render the glass walls black and opaque.
The restaurateur had the brilliant idea of having them on offer for every non-human table. In a box that could only be unlocked by an Hour coin.
But after the food contests started amongst the humans, sales of the glasses dropped.
The sight of one human attempting to ingest a pizza the size of a table, or a burger the weight of a stripling child, or a mountain of chicken parts was, simply, too much to resist.
And then there were the times they deliberately, competitively, attempted to ingest what could easily be fatal amounts of capsaicin for each and every audience member combined.
And when the humans hosted a food-themed game show there…
Well.
The restaurateur simply changed tactics, and charged clientele extra to take the glasses away.
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Challenge #00397 - A032: Performance Peace
The much anticipated performance piece entitled, ‘Ask a Rude Question, Get an Honest Answer’
Naturally, it was a human who did it. The Galactic Congress, just getting used to the idea of humans as a recognised cogniscent and not a dangerous animal, attended in droves.
Even the common throng, who usually avoided ambassadorial exhibitions like the plague, attended.
Every performance was guaranteed to be unique, because every audience was a mixture of the curious and the vocal alike.
The artist sat in a comfy chair with small snacks and a bottle of water, and gave the audience leave to ask any question they like. And, more to the point, she had to answer honestly.
Some were baffling, (“Why are you endothermic?” or “Why are you insane?” or “If you’re a mammal, where is your fur?”) some were invasive, (“How do you have sex?” or “Is your excrement as acidic as your stomach?” or “Why do you predate on everything?”) and some… were just silly.
“Why are toenails?”
Nevertheless, the human answered. “Our tree-going forebears found an adequate grip to be of greater use than claws.”
“Why ever-growing fur?”
“Our hair? We were partially aquatic and remain so. The hair serves a double purpose as insulator and cooling apparatus.”
And finally, “How did human?”
The audience leaned forward, as one being. Watching the human artist contemplate the question.
She got up. Paced around her comfy chair, cradling her microphone as if it were an infant. Masticated some nuts. paced from one end of the stage to the other and, at last, when inspiration struck, she sat back down.
Her answer was: “Evidently.”
That performance won five standing ovations.
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Challenge #00396 - A031: To Stop Human
After all those dramas and documentaries about how terrifying they were, you’d think somewhere it would have been mentioned how surprisingly ineffective stabbing was against humans.
(“multiple stab wounds” is a critical but in a lot of cases not actually immediately life threatening situation unless one hits a major blood vessel or one of the more important organs. Survivors with over 100 have happened a few times)
Taken from the Lectures of Koq'riix the Human Slayer:
They call me the Human Slayer, but the truth is… I haven’t killed that many humans. What I have done is survive ten encounters with the beasts.
(gasps from the audience)
Yes, that seems amazing, but not one of you has any idea what huge amounts of effort it takes to kill a human. I only managed that once. I believe the specimen is still preserved in the Museum of Disturbing Things. Those with greater fortitude can go see the immense damage it took.
I stabbed that thing two hundred times and it still came after me. I broke most of its limbs. I broke its ribs. I broke its hands and feet. I tried to poison it with nitrous oxide and it just fell asleep. It wasn’t until I cut its neck to the bone… well… you’ll see if you go.
Humans are hard to kill.
If anyone has dreams of being a Human Slayer, I have one word of advice:
Don’t.
(murmurs)
But I do have some advice on how to avoid or stop humans. On how to get away.
First: Stay out of areas of space infested by humans. There’s maps for sale in the foyer that clearly indicate jumps down which humans are living. They also indicate areas in which humans can occasionally be found.
Second: If you encounter a human - run away. Get out of the area, get out of local-space, get to safety. If you’re quick, if you’re lucky… the human won’t pursue you.
Believe it or not, they have other interests than tracking us down and eating our flesh. Most of the time? A wild, lone human will go about their business and leave.
Third: If you are cornered, do not make any hostile moves. I’m about to play you some footage of a more common encounter with a human that I experienced while salvaging in the greater doldrums.
[The vid pickup from a helmet cam showed the viewer turning a corridor, and seeing a human in a space-suit turning the opposite corner. The human froze in space. Carefully put the thing it was carrying down, and showed empty hands]
This is a human submissive gesture. It’s showing me that it has no weapons. Not that it needs them. When I copied this gesture, the human gathered its belongings and backed away.
Needless to say, I didn’t stay in that derelict long.
Learn this gesture. Do your utmost to copy it. A human is remarkably capable of understanding that some cogniscents do not have the same range of motion as they do.
Hands open and empty. Held away from the body. Legs bent and apart. This shows the human you do not mean to harm them.
And there is no tool in the world that is worth taking if a human approaches.
Leave everything and get out.
Four: human space vehicles usually do not contain rotating segments. They have their own gravity field. How they manage this is a scientific mystery… but if you spot a human vehicle - you know to avoid that area.
Stay long enough to get its vectors, and that is all. Use those vectors to escape.
This is vital knowledge that you must all share for your safety. I offer it free, so that all may learn.
[Archivaas Note: Koq'riix also kept some disturbing footage to herself until the day of her passing. This follows]
A security feed from Koq'riix’s salvage ship. A far younger Koq'riix is sleeping soundly. A human wriggles through the airlock and, crouching, makes its way through passages too small for it to move comfortably. It is carrying a tool clearly made for Koq'riix’s species.
It finds Koq'riix and lays down the tool in the middle of the floor. Then it takes out a small, coloured rectangle and puts it on top. The human retreats and leaves without any further action.
[Archivaas Note: The rectangle is a two-dimensional image of the specimen in the Museum of Disturbing Things, and another human. The writing on the obverse side has yet to be translated.]
[Archivaas Addendum +250 Standard Years: The writing reads, I forgive you. The remains of the human have been repatriated to his home-planet and interred with his wife.]
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Challenge #00395 - A030: Drunk Physics
“They’re arguing in the manner of inebriated scientists, which is to say semi-incoherently, passionately, and with citations.”
“Na, na, na, na… ‘E wasnae sayin’ tha’ black holes don’t exist… 'E was sayin’ th’ math w’s easier if'n they didn’t.”
“But that’s… that’s… that’s… thassnot the quote pipple use…”
“Aye, an’ John Lennon never said The Beatles were bigger n’ Jesus, neither.”
“I have absolutelynoidea who you're talking’ about…”
“Common quotes'r like (hic) mud. They’re common and they’re filthy.”
“And…” burp, “fulla microfauna?”
“And flora.”
“And worms and bugs.”
Lyr appeared by his shoulder. “I thought Shayde reacted to alcohol like it was arsenic.”
“So did I,” said Rael. “And yet… they are clearly inebriated.”
“Annit has tae be plank’s constant…” Shayde slurred, “because reasons.”
“Those bein’?”
“The math doesnae work if ye don’t use it. Dur.”
“I’m halfway tempted to record this,” said Rael, watching them both from his position on the corner of a handy cross-way.
“I can already get them for graffito in a non-graffiti zone,” Lyr offered. “As well as public inebriation. Problem is, that work would just about pay for it.”
“That is,” offered Rael, “if it was actually physics.”
“You can’t tell?”
Rael glared at her. “This is Shayde we’re talking about.”
Lyr sighed. “True. And the last time she did physics this big, she tore a hole in reality and fell down it. I should lock them up for their own protection.”
Rael smiled. “Have I ever told you how much I like the way you think, Officer Marken?”
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Challenge #00394 - A029: It Came From Planet Earth
*totally wasn’t rereading old daily stories for art ideas, nope not me*
You’ve got a few titles for the horror movies, books, tv shows and assorted media starring humans before proper first contact was made scattered in the daily drabbles, may we see one?
[AN: Of course I’m not going to write the whole thing]
They thought they were safe inside the base. But then, they thought that sprinkling their crops with capsaicin would stop the monsters eating them.
T'tuk strapped a night-vision monocle to her face. Crept up to a window and checked outside.
The human was already there. Staring right back and eating one of the crops they had hosed with capsaicin with no apparent ill effects. Its eyes were dark. That meant that it could see her.
It was looking right at her.
“Hello, pretty,” it said.
Naturally, T'tuk freaked out and tried to hide in the darkness. Her claws tapped anxiously on the wall behind her.
The door handle wobbled. Rattled. Began to move…
T'tuk held her hands over her mouth and tried to remain still and quiet despite the fear shaking her entire body.
The door rolled open enough for the human to struggle through. Which it did. It didn’t appear to notice the multiple wounds that should have killed it a long time ago. It definitely didn’t notice the broken limb that it had simply tied sticks to so it could keep moving.
“Come out, pretty-pretty-pretty…” it leered.
T'tuk whimpered.
“I heeeeeaaaaarrrr yoooooouu…”
Then Blez came out of nowhere with a directed beam of light and a puff of capsaicin powder to the creature’s eyes. “Run, T'tuk! RUN!”
They were fast running out of places to run to and hide in.
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Challenge #00393 - A028:
The Dragon and the Banana
Redscale the Magnificent landed in a clearing near the adorable little village with the thatched-roofed cottages and blew a plume of fire into the air.
“Deliver your gold to me or face the consequences,” she roared.
Her cunning plan was immediately foiled by a native asking, “What’s gold?”
Redscale the Magnificent attempted to explain. “Uh… It’s shiny. Yellow. Comes out of the ground. Most of you squishy humans trade things with it.”
The native grinned and ran to talk with his peers. It took them a few hours, but they came back with a host of shiny, yellow…
Bananas.
“This is not gold,” she growled.
“We don’t understand. This is shiny, and yellow, and comes out of the ground and we trade with these.”
“You have no metals at all?”
“What’s metal?”
Redscale the Magnificent sighed. She couldn’t fault these humans for not having metal. She tried eating a banana from the pile of organic tribute and found it… surprisingly delicious. “Very well,” she announced imperiously. “I shall teach you of metals and you shall supply me with these. If you have a volcano anywhere nearby, I shall make my home there.”
“What’s a–?”
“Mountain?”
“What’s–?”
“Any high place at all?”
They turned a hill into a lair with the help of various stones and Redscale the Magnificent’s own fire.
They meant well, these humans. And they would need a protector from any idiot with a boat and a sword.
When the inevitable explorers came, they were going to be in for a very big surprise indeed.
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