An open letter from a pissed-off writer
Dear Tumblr @staff,
I recently learned that tagged reblogs don’t show up in that tag, even though that tag might not be related to the original posts tags.
What. The flying. FUCK?
Writers and artists depend on being seen. That means reblogs and tags. Reblogging with a tag used to mean ‘all the people who follow this tag will see the thing’. But now it just means ‘anyone who follows the reblogger will see the thing’.
That’s a narrower audience. That’s less people who see the thing. Less money for the OP. And the less money the creators have to spend, the less they’re going to be interested in buying anything you’re trying to sell on this site.
Creative people will go to fresher fields. They will find an arena where they will be seen by as many people as possible. They will leave and your content will be solely made up of people who reblog memes all day long.
And once people see a constant stream of the same meme on their dashboards, they’ll go to where the creative people are.
And then you won’t be able to sell anything to anyone.
But -hey- you might _want_ to kill this site. We all know that the owners are losing money on it. And it’s such a sinkhole because of _your_ mismanagement.
I’m only staying here until Pillowfort is up. You’ve already lost me. You’ve probably already lost a lot of people who dislike your ham-handed attempts at making a profit out of people who are already broke. We’ve all tried to tell you better ways to do that, but you never listen.
And that’s why you’re going to get a sudden drop in content the instant you have a viable competitor.
Dear Followers:
Yesterday (or thereabouts) you all saw this on your dashes:
This is, as you may have surmised, the cover to my first novel.
Let me tell you a little thing about this cover.
- It is not my work.
- It is the work of a very patient artist at Bespoke Book Covers.
- It is hella expensive.
- …and I’m broke.
I say “very patient” because we went through several-ty hundred revisions before we got to this. I’m currently dragging the poor soul through revisions of the third cover. He is earning every last cent of the money we’ve paid.
Now. In order for this to be worth it, I actually have to make sales.
Which means I won’t be making a red cent out of this until the second book’s published.
I need to generate buzz about this book and the two sequels. I need readers.
So I need news of this (and the following books) coming out to go as far and as fast as possible.
And my advertising budget is all in the cover art.
I need all of you to share the news. Let folks know about the publishing date (Oct 29, Eastern Australian time) and how awesome it is to have the book existing at all. That sort of thing.
Any fascinating ad copy you can come up with is just icing on the cake.
I don’t want anything as ludicrous as the Three Wolf Moon treatment. Just… buzz.
So. Between now and about two weeks after the 29th of October… signal boost the living shit out of this book, okay?
Dear Mythbusters…
Everybody knows what happens when you hang or display a sign that reads “WET PAINT”. Everybody and their kid brother’s dog has to go and poke whatever it is to see if the paint is dry.
My question is: How far can you take it?
What would happen if the “WET PAINT” sign is displayed in other areas Like:
1) On a statue
2) On a window (sans frame)
3) On a (fake) famous work of art
4) On a ceiling or other high place out of normal reach
5) So that it’s readable in a mirror on the opposite wall
6) On a duck/dog or other animal
7) On grass
8) On a window (also sans frame) made out of sugar glass [shatters on impact, lol]
9) On a (fake) famous work of art that is also made out of sugar glass
I would love to see the results of this social experiment.
An open letter to the Republicans planning on moving to Australia
Dear nongs idiots yobs wankers yanks (aw fuckit) Reppos:
We would welcome you to Australia. We’re a welcoming bunch [once we’ve figured out a suitably isolating slang for yaz, of course] we’ll even chuck another steak/prawn on the barbie for ya.
There’s just a few things you ought to know before you pack your bags.
1. You might have heard that the lady in charge of this country is an atheist. This is nominally true, but the actual lady technically in charge of this country is also the Queen of England. Good thing for you she’s a bit more “hands off” than you lot.
Yep. We’re a constitutional monarchy. This means there’s no such thing as private beaches and any old drongo can walk along any old beachfront any old where. We also have nudist beaches, but remember - just because she hasn’t got a stitch on, doesn’t mean it’s a “legitimate rape”… or whatever your term for it is.
2. We have some pretty restrictive gun laws down here. The tl;dr version of all that goes: * You have to have photo ID on you at all times * You have to be a card-carrying member of the SSAA * You have to have your guns in one safe and your ammo in another * There’s a limit to how many guns you can have * And every time someone so much as sneezes during a criminal event, there’s hue and cry to make these laws even more restrictive. [Seriously. Some idiot set off a bomb in Bali and our kneejerk reaction was “Ban guns!”]
3. We have free health care for everyone. Near as I can figure, this has yet to ruin the country.
4. We’re a lot less restrictive about who gets the dole welfare. This has lead to some folks choosing to live on it and becoming “dole bludgers”. It’s getting harder and harder to actually do this, but it is still possible.
5. It’s illegal to kill native animals. We don’t, however, give a shit about the feral ones. If you plan on going hunting for them, be sure to get permission from the land-owner. And if you’re hunting bush pigs, pick a tree. Those bastards are too stupid to know when they’re dead. And they will most definitely rip your shit if they catch you.
6. Most of our native animals are venomous. If they aren’t venomous, they can still tear you open if they’re having a bad day. And you can’t know which ones are having a bad day. Just don’t go near anything that looks like it belongs here, you’ll be fine.
7. Even if you’re firmly in suburbia, watch out for the plovers. There’s a reason why these little bastards are one of the few ground-nesting species to survive the introduction of both rats and foxes. They’re fucking vicious. They have spurs on their wings that can rip your head open.
Tricks for dealing with a plover: *Stick a photo of Edna Everage on top of your hat. That’d scare anything. * Carry an umbrella. When the Plover starts to swoop, aim umbrella roughly at plover, open umbrella. This makes the plover think you’re bigger than you really are and back off. Hey, it works for the frill-neck lizard. * Avoid the living fuck out of plovers. Seriously.
8. If you get possums, do not pick them up. These buggers can go from adorable bundle of cute to ball of buzz-saw-related death in 0.0075 nanoseconds. Just hand them a piece of toast on a long stick and don’t expect to get the stick back in one piece.
9. Do NOT go swimming where there’s jellyfish or sharks. Unfortunately for you, this means most of the coast.
10. We did make a humorous song about some of our nastier wildlife. Alas, the song only covers about five percent of the things that are venomous or can rip your shit.
11. We will laugh at you for not knowing Strine. Then we’ll laugh at you for picking it up.
12. We call biscuits scones. Cookies are biscuits. Wife beaters are singlets and you’re a “bloody yank” until further notice. Deal with it.
On the plus side, we still have rampant racism and exclusion of the native peoples, so you’ll be right at home, there!
Cheers,
All the Aussies waiting to see the look on your faces.
Dear Moneymakers, (an open letter)
And by this, I mean all corporate “persons”, executives, super-rich and basically, everyone who is making their money by just having money.
You’re doing it wrong.
An Open Letter to the President of the USA
First, before anything: if you had bailed out the homeowners and not the banks, you would not be in your present pickle. There would likely not be throngs protesting in the streets, right now. There would not be thousands deriding you for following the whims of your owners campaign contributors instead of actually fulfilling so much as one campaign promise.
Secondly: If you continue to allow yourself to be bought by psychopathic corporations instead of concerning yourself with the interests of the people, you will be remembered as a stupid president. Possibly worse than George “Dubya stands for dumb-ass” Bush.
Third: Your country is pushing through laws that make America look like a dictatorship with self-interest as the only item in the schedule. This is not a state of affairs that has boded well for other countries in the past.
Do the world a favour. Stop America’s collapse into a new dark age by repealing corporate personhood, abolishing money as a form of speech, and enforce laws regarding the legal uses of the word “federal”. As in, if the government is not running it, it is not “federal”.
Give the power back to the people of America. The real people of flesh and blood, who toil for a better life and strive to follow the rules that are now written so that only corporate-people prosper.
Trust me.
It is America’s only chance.
And it is your only chance to bring about the change you promised.
The consequences of inaction are disaster. The consequences of continuing to follow your owners contributors are also disaster.
With Hope,
A concerned observer and recogniser of the patterns in history.