[AN: I got good news for you, Nonny! I’m planning a longer version over in my plot kittens file. So I’m doing a much briefer version here.]

It started on the first Candlenights after the Hunger War. The only time he had had to chill out, snuggle down, and watch Fantasy Television with his main man, Kravitz. Everyone was nearly asleep thanks to the Candlenights feast, and the evening news was playing because nobody had the energy to reach for the Fantasy Remote. Besides, one of the cats was probably sleeping on it.

They were up to the puff pieces. Orphanages receiving Candlenights’ toys. Taako was particularly struck by the faces as they pretended to smile. He knew this ruse. They all had to cluster under the Candlenights Tree and pretend to enjoy opening presents that they had spent all day wrapping before the Fantasy News people stopped by. They all had to smile and pretend that these were the best presents in the world. The ones who actually got on the news got extra favours for a month.

There was a tiny boy in the arms of a gigantic teddy bear, with tears in his eyes. The smile on his face was fake as, but that didn’t matter because he was cute.

“Aaaww…” cooed Krav. “Poor little mite’s overwhelmed.”

“Overwhelmed that it isn’t real,” mumbled Lup.

“We spent some time in places like that,” said Taako. “Babe? I wanna rescue one of those kids. Give ‘em a chance.”

Krav chuckled. “Sure thing, babe. You bring me the paperwork and I’ll sign it. I’ll even come to any interviews you arrange.” He was probably thinking that this would be yet another pipe dream that Taako would soon dismiss as too much work.

He was so very, very wrong.

Four months later, he was attending inspections with Taako to make sure that the eventual home of a child they hadn’t met yet was up to snuff. Considering that this was the twins’ grandfather’s old farm, there was a lot to fix. Starting with the old-fashioned kludgie-holes that they were gradually installing proper toilets over.

Two months after that, they were walking around what looked like the shittiest orphanage in Faerun. Taako kept muttering ‘typical’ over and over again. The clothes were grey. The walls were grey. The linoleum was only black and white by way of a technicality. Heat avoided these places. The boys’ wards always smelled of pee and pinesol. The former because the nasty ones literally pissed on everything they could aim at.

Their tour guide was patiently explaining that things were sterilised with ammonia. Lying through her teeth. Taako kept walking until they were shown the sun room, where the babies were adopted by heteros and the sickly kids were allowed to stay so they’d be warm and moderately healthier.

There, the world’s tiniest child was seated in the window and reading a very thick book. Taako ignored the bloviating about the babies to creep up and see what the kid was reading.

Caleb Cleveland and something-or-other. It had been heavily censored. All the action scenes were left up to the imagination.

This one, he thought. I’m taking this one into my family.

This was a kid who had given up, so he was mostly silent on the first handful of visits. Nervy kid. Terrified of doing something wrong. He saw largesse from Taako as more of the usual glitter that would -to his mind- inevitably get taken away.

Taako spent most of their bonding time in the kitchen. Helping Angus to cook up some delicious shit. Helping him get used to making mistakes. Not being overly concerned when the kid inevitably messed up, as kids could do. Even when he dropped a bowl, Taako’s first concern was that those bare little feet and soft little hands weren’t cut by the sharp china fragments that had scattered around. He hadn’t even noticed it until Angus pointed it out.

Krav bonded with the help of Caleb Cleveland. They bought the entire set so far and Krav used his adorkable Bard skills to do all kinds of character voices. Taako brought in snacks and drinks and took a few turns reading as well.

Visit by visit, little by little, Angus started to believe that he was wanted. Smiles started appearing on his face. He started growing more open to hugs. Thanks to Taako’s cooking, the general prognosis started to look more positive.

It took well over a year, but they finally signed the last piece of paperwork. Angus was his. Theirs. Whatever. He was family.

They would be having a welcome-to-our-home party on the soonest Tuesday. The one day that everyone had off.

“Brace yourself, kiddo,” said Taako. “Now you’re mine, I wanna try kissing your face off.”

Angus giggled. “You can certainly try, sir.” He threw his arms around Taako’s neck for a very successful grapple roll.

Taako, for once, didn’t care who heard him purr or who saw the happy tears in his eyes.

[AN: Autistic!Angus so very much fits with the (s)mother and father I wrote yesterday]

“But sir,” Angus was arguing as he trailed along behind Tres Horny Boys on the moon, “There’s no reason why anything would be called ‘updog’, ‘bofa’, or ‘parfa’. If you could just explain it, I–”

Something else got his attention. The empty lot right beside the Fantasy Costco had an ‘Opening Soon’ poster and the logo was for B&N. Books and Nerd Shit.

Angus failed his will save. B&N was the best store in the world! They were always the first to have any Caleb Cleveland books and any of the merchandise, too. The fact that there was one coming onto the moon was the best news in his life.

He screamed in delight, jumping up and down and flapping his hands in a joy so pure that he completely lost awareness of where he was, what he was doing, and who was watching.

“What the shit?” said Magnus.

“Fuck!” Taako squawked.

“Whoah,” said Merle.

Angus froze, going from the heights of delight to the depths of terror in less than a nanosecond. He shrank into a defensive curl, arms wrapped around his head. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“Hey, hey, hey, hey,” cooed Magnus. “Nobody’s gonna hurt you. We promise.”

“You scared some jelly outta me, li’l man,” said Taako. “What the fuck?”

Angus was already crying. “I’m sorry. Please don’t put me away…”

Even Merle had an expression of confused pity, but Angus couldn’t see it because of the tears. “What the hell is going on?” he wondered.

Angus was holding himself and rocking in place. “They’re gonna be so mad… They’re gonna send me away… I’ll never see any of you again…”

Taako, awkward at this sort of thing at the best of times, laid an awkward hand on Angus’ shoulder. “Cool your jets there, Ango. None of us know what the hell is going on, here.”

“Deep breaths, kid,” said Merle. “No fainting on the moon.”

“Do you need a hug?” offered Magnus.

Angus fell into the rowdy boy’s arms, shaking from head to toe. “They said never be loud. They said never jump around. They said I had to have quiet hands. Or they’d put me away in an institution and I’d never see anyone again.”

“Who’s ‘they’?” said Magnus.

A shuddering, indrawn breath. “…m’ mother ‘n’ father…”

“He has parents?” said Merle.

“Not any more,” said Taako. “Shits that treat a kid like that don’t deserve a kid like this.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Angus, feeling so much better about his place in the world.

“Don’t mention it,” said Taako. “Ever.”

He sank down again. “Oh. Yeah. You have a brand.”

“So…” said Magnus, still hugging the boy detective. “What the hell made you do that?”

Angus pointed. “There’s B and N moving in, sirs. It’s only the best store in the whole wide world. I got so excited I forgot myself.”

Magnus let him go, keeping a hand on his shoulder. “Sounds to me like you remembered yourself.”

“Yeah, autism is nothing to be ashamed of, kid,” said Merle.

Angus frowned. “Is this another updog thing?”

“You. Don’t. Know…?” said Taako. “There’s a library right fuckin’ there,” he pointed out the enormous library dome. “Look it up. It’s no goof.”

Angus took the time to look it up after he had settled down. It wasn’t a goof. It was the exact thing he had in his noggin, but the best news of all was one simple fact.

There was nothing wrong with him.

anonymous asked:

on the same vein as half elf Angus, being adopted by Kravitz and Taako, may I request Ango going through his first ( or second) Luume? ( whether or not he’s with Agatha, or even around that age is up to you) Thank you for taking the time to read this!

[AN: Found it! Things be FUBAR’ed so this is the real one. I need to think about this one because I promised my Tumbl into TAZ readers that nothing would be NSFW]

“Sir? I don’t feel so good…”

It was a definite bad sign when Angus referred to Taako as ‘sir’. He hadn’t done that for half a century or more. Definitely when he was mostly-grown and it finally sunk in that he had a place to belong. Taako put down his cooking and washed and dried his hands.

Angus was– what? Seventy? Eighty? He knew being half-elven screwed things up, sometimes. The human side demanded things go quickly, whilst the Elven side wanted to chill.

“Awright, kiddo. Gimmie the symptoms list,” Taako felt his brow. Warm to the point of hot. He was feverish. Flushed cheeks. Dilated pupils… Uh oh.

“I feel real restless,” said Angus. “Like I want something, but it’s not here. Everything is wrong.”

Taako took a deep inhale of Angus’ scent. It had changed up to be abnormally appealing. It triggered Taako’s more intensive needs to care for this child of his. Fortunately, he made the will save to resist his stronger instincts. “Hungry?” Taako guessed.

“Starving.” Angus looked pained and he looked around the kitchen for the undefinable. “I know I just had breakfast, but I want… I want more…”

“Luume,” said Taako. “We knew it was coming.”

“I’m only seventy-five…”

Good thing one of them was keeping track of this business. “Yeah, and it could have come on at fifty, when you were still on the weedy side.” Taako slid across something high-calorie and easy to consume, which Angus fell on. “It’s okay. Papa’s got’cha.”

As Angus wolfed down his second breakfast, Taako found the spots behind his ears, where a particular nerve cluster could be stimulated to tell Angus’ raging instincts, Not Yet.

Angus relaxed so much he could have melted if he didn’t have bones. He leaned against his adopted Papa and began to purr.

Taako purred in response, sending a Fantasy Text to all the people who were expecting him to do shit today. Family emergency. Everything’s cancelled.

After that was done, his son had Taako’s undivided attention.

*

Angus woke in the cuddle cote. Warm, comfortable, and oddly exhausted. Papa was nearby and Angus wasn’t exactly inclined to let him go, just yet.

“Well done,” said Papa. “That’s a twenty-four hour pain in the ass over and done with for probably a decade. Good to know the humanman side of things eased it up for ya.”

Papa had forty-eight hours of instinctual overdrive followed by lazy lull. Angus had heard of Elves who suffered, and made the world around them suffer, for a full three days. Papa had the extra un-bonus of an unpredictable, erratic cycle that hit like a truck.

Angus tried to remember what he’d done. He rolled a one. “What’d I do?”

“Oh, you had an easy time, baby. It’s cool. I got to your ‘off switch’ so you slept through most of it. You had some good food, I watched a lot of Fantasy Netflix. What’s not to love?”

“Mmmh,” Angus wasn’t inclined to move. “Feel like I’ve been running a marathon.”

“Yeah, that’s what it does.” Taako offered him a straw attached to an enormous bottle of gator-aid. “Drink this shit. It really helps.”

It did. Angus could feel his brain revving back up to its full potential once more. “I have a whole decade before I go through this again, right? It’d be legal for me to… youknow… with someone.”

“Anywhere between five and ten years. The human side fucks a lot of shit up with your genes, baby boy.” Taako ruffled his hair. “And if you can’t say it, you definitely ain’t ready.”

A different kind of flush invaded Angus’ face. “…probably,” he allowed. “Did I go all… Cave-Elf? Like you do?”

“You had more vocab than me f'r sure. I had Lup cook up a bunch of those condition-adding muffins I used to feed you when you were tiny. You want?”

He was suddenly craving them, now. “That’d be lovely. Warm and with butter and cream?”

“And a steak for after.” Taako wriggled free. “You stay down. Your family’s got’cher back.”

“Good…” Angus yawned. It felt like a good nights’ sleep and some fortified meals were the best thing for him. “Good Papa…”

“Listen,” Taako had explained. “It’s the last place they’d look because it’s the first place anyone would look. I got my wards refreshed and nobody is entering the grounds without prior permission. Hell, even the delivery guy knows to use the mailbox of translocation.”

It was with that moment that Agatha knew that all her other objections would be trampled over in the same rough-shod manner. The Treehouse, as the extended family called it, was Taako’s country retreat. He paid some locals to look after the place when he was off doing other things and, as near as Agatha could tell, it was still a fixer-upper.

Lightning had hit the upper branches at some point and shapers were still coming by to train the wild limbs into something like the tree’s original state. Just as others were re-training the wilderness of the estate grounds into the farm it used to be. All things considered, re-taming the riding deer was easy-going.

So far, only the three lowest levels had been modernised. The whole place was a work in progress. Labyrinthine, too, with hundreds of ways to escape and confusing passageways that took years to memorise. In other words, typical Elven architecture when the entire species was used to Elfism cropping up every three hundred years or so.

Taako’s cats took to it like ducklings to water, vanishing into the Elven Air Vents and hunting down vermin like they’d been born there. Agatha, on the other hand, had her doubts. Especially now that Taako was threading a grass bracelet with a wooden bead onto her wrist. The bead was Hazelwood, a common arcane channeling material, and a sigil had been inscribed onto the plain tan bead.

“What the fuck is this?”

“This is sort of adopting you into the family,” said Taako. “New children to the house get these. The wards won’t attack you, and if you’re scared, the willow lights will lead you to a place of comfort and security.”

“Willow. Lights.” Agatha repeated. “I’m sorry, Taako, but I’ve never heard of willow lights.”

“Think of your Uncle Fuckup for five seconds.”

His actual name was Phandro, and he was a powerful enough crime lord to strike at Agatha from within prison. Which was why she was in hiding in the first place. As her heart rate accelerated, a small, friendly-shaped form faded into existence. Beckoning her towards one of the many nooks in this house.

“How do you think the legends of will o’ the wisps got started? You better follow it before it sounds an alarm to your in loco parental.”

Agatha followed it to a comfy nook that lit up as she entered. Cosy pillows and comfort food and a little commode space and, once Taako showed her, the knowledge that there was a secret way out. She relaxed and the willow light winked out.

Taako was grinning. “We’re still restoring most of the old place, so the higher you go, the more likely it is you’ll find guarderobes and cobwebs and expired runes.”

“Why are they called ‘willow lights’?” Agatha asked, grasping for the straws of distraction. “This tree’s a Mountain Ygdrasi.”

“You already know the answer, you just want a conversation to keep your mind off things,” said Taako, seeing right through her. “Don’t worry about it. Our husbands are on the case and half the family is backup. We won’t even have to worry about where you can squeeze through.”

Because she was also five months pregnant with her first kid. Taako kept insisting it was twins despite ample evidence to the contrary. A family goof. “Yeah. A long, boring conversation about Elven history is just what I need to go to sleep right now.”

Taako summoned an Invisible Servant to bring a proper meal for her (all the healthy things, of course) and started regaling her about the long, proud history of Elven kind. Starting with how the first tribe-houses were willows, owing to their proximity to clean water.

Agatha was out like a light before she was quite done with dessert.

A sudden siren woke her. It was dark and the only light  came from the runes. Mismatched eyes glowing in the gloom were open in panic. “Down the hatch, Aggie. They’re here.”

Agatha didn’t waste time arguing. She pressed the little hidden trigger that opened the hidden hatch. This particular passage was made for elderly Elves and thus made to accomodate a lowered dexterity score. She was grateful for that, and the beckoning figure that lead her through twisting passages.

She could hear random sounds. Voices of her family. Spells firing off. Agatha crawled faster through the twisting tunnels. Finally emerging in a cobweb-ridden cavern that had its own ululating howl. The only light was from the willow light and her bracelet. Carved figures in the walls scowled at her and unseen beasts skittered in the darkness.

“Intruder!” A ghostly Elf manifested out of a statue. “Intruder!”

Behind them was Uncle Phandro. He had a crossbow. Agatha tensed…

A loud rumble shook the entire place. An impossible rumble, because it was Taako purring and gently shaking her. “Hey. Hey, Aggie. Hey. Hey. You’re okay. It’s okay. It’s just a dream. Come on back.”

There was a willow light jiggling up and down above her. Saying something in Elven that could have parsed for ‘intruder’ in Common. It faded out as she came back to reality. The runes glowed around her, and Taako turned up the fairy lights that gave the midnight darkness more shape.

“You with me now, Aggie? Know where you are?”

“I’m in the safe cote. I’m safe with you. That… that was a nightmare.” She couldn’t let go of Taako, just yet. Her fingers dug into his hair and clothing and flesh alike. She couldn’t stop shaking. She couldn’t stop crying.

Taako rubbed her back as he purred. “It’s okay,” he soothed. “It’s just a dream. You’re safe. Krav and Agnes are safe. Maggie and Merlot and Lup and Barold are out hunting them all down. It’s good. It’s good.” He disengaged one of her hands and guided it to a soft shape in the darkness. Neopolitan, the cuddle slut cat. She, too, started purring up a storm as Agatha flexed her fingers in the cat’s fur.

Neapolitan started kneading Agatha’s thigh, and little is realer than a cat making biscuits in squishy portions of one’s anatomy.

Taako held her long past the point where she stopped shaking, stopped crying, and stopped breathing so raggedly.

“I think I’m awake for a few more hours, yet,” she sighed. Think you’ll let me in your kitchen for eggs the safe way and some steak?”

“And some non-caffeinated tea,” added Taako. “Hot tea always helps you chill.”

The lights came up to pre-dawn levels of imitation twilight. It was fuck-off in the morning and the cats had the run of the house. The hearth made for cauldrons had been replaced with a Fantasy Aga that ran off the methane from the root system septic tank that also fed the tree. Nothing was wasted.

A cat or two had to be ousted so Taako could begin putting on the kettle and heating up a frypan. The warmth, the cats, and the gentle sounds of another being helped ground her. That, and the sensations of a McDonald-to-be kicking the living spit out of her liver.

Taako lit a few more lamps and warm light began to colour in an ancient kitchen. Generations of Elves had once cooked here. There was even a nook by the chimney for babies and sickly children to be near their parentals as they busied themselves with food. One of the near-feral cats had taken it over for her kittens.

Taako pressed a warm muffin into her hands while he prepared everything else. This was his way of showing love. Food, nicknames, and physical closeness. Agatha soaked them all up and returned his casual caresses with some of her own.

Just like the feral cats that lived here before Taako moved in, she too was being tamed. She, too, was getting used to a parental figure who was gentle and caring and, though a little broken in his own way, actively trying to be better every day.

“I’ve decided,” she said as Taako clattered about with eggs and kettles and frypans and teapots. “I’m going to try and be like you and Kravitz. You guys are way better parents than mine ever were.”

Taako “got something in his eye” for twenty whole minutes after that announcement. “Silly meldanel,” he said. “Makin’ me get stuff in my eye.”

Agatha decided not to tell him that she knew what that meant. He wasn’t ready, yet. All the same, it felt nice to be part of a better family.

[AN: Meldanel - “beloved daughter”, thanks to elfdict.com]

[AN: Why not both?]

“I’m too young to be the father of the groom,” Taako pouted.

Angus rolled his eyes. “Sir, if we waited until you were old enough, we’d both die of old age.”

“Nope,” protested Taako. “Don’t even wanna think about that part.”

Agatha broke the deadlock with, “Will you be my Honour Guardian?”

It was an old tradition that hardly anyone did any more. To choose someone to be their Honour Guardian meant that they were a closely treasured friend who could take the place of family. Someone they could rely on -according to the tradition- to keep the prospective bride or groom’s honour and safety intact.

In the bad old days, they were there to protect the bride from over-amorous grooms… or best men.

Taako was shocked and awed. The cat he’d been petting in an impersonation of the Fantasy Godfather mewled in protest at his sudden grip on his fur. Taako quickly petted that fur smooth by way of apology. “You… I haven’t… I’ve given you nothing but shit since day one. Why?”

“I know you think I’m taking your baby away from you, sir,” said Agatha. “I want it known to the Gods and everyone that I’m coming into your family, not breaking away from it.”

Taako blinked. “Well, naturally. Who doesn’t want into the Taako brand?” He was covering up. That blink said everything. That blink told Agatha that she had won a prize.

“Of course,” smiled Agatha. “I couldn’t be luckier to join your family.”

Taako entered negotiation mode. “Of course I’m catering. And co-ordinating. The two of you nerds have never touched a colour wheel in your life. You probably think red and green together are festive.”

Agatha knew better than to bring up Candlenights objection. “Catering and wedding planning? Are you sure this won’t stress you out?”

Ooh. Low blow. Kravitz and Angus winced together.

“Honey,” said Taako. “I’m one of the Seven fucking Birds. I fought the literal embodiment of nihilism. A simple family wedding is going to be cake.”

Hook, line, and sinker, thought Agatha. “I’ll help in any way I can,” she said.

She had never been the world’s wealthiest reporter, bearing the brunt of the lawsuits that resulted from her exposing the truth of several shady but elite characters. She had lived her life on the edges. But now… now all her snobby quote-unquote friends got to stew in their own bile.

She held her head high and shone like a diamond, blatantly ignoring all her fellow alumni from St Favisham’s School For Young Ladies as she sailed down the aisle in a confection of a dress that was still somehow simple elegance that cost far, far less than it looked like it cost.

And between her and her audience, taking the role of Honour Guardian seriously, was Taako. One hand on her elbow, and the other wrapped tight around the handle of his famous Umbrastaff. Daring any single one of them to say something vicious.

Kravitz was Angus’ Honour Guard, with his scythe in his free hand, he was definitely not a figure to contend with. Not that anyone was going to snark in Angus’ direction.

When her hands met with Angus’, Taako mumbled something and her dress burst into flowers, joined with Angus’ suit in tasteful bursts of blossoms.

“Should I blame him or should I thank him?” she whispered.

“Just be smug,” he whispered back. “Today is allegedly about you.”

With this man joining with her? Hell yeah, she could be smug. Just… one little correction. “It’s about us, you silly man.”

*

Awareness crept up on him like a thief in the night. Warm. Skin against bare skin. The scent of Sweet Nectar overlaying the dizzying scent of a fellow human being. A very attractive human being.

Her soft curls tickled his face and her skin, he knew, was very pleasant to kiss and caress.

It was later than he was used to sleeping, and Angus revelled in it. Soaked in the sensations of being next to his love without any kind of obstacle because they were married.

Mr and Mrs McDonald. She hadn’t liked being a Tremaine, and much preferred to distance herself from the lingering vestiges of that family. Pirates and thieves, all of them, but the kind who did their piracy and thieving within the letter of the law.

Angus loved that she began her career by exposing her immediate family’s crimes. He loved that she was witty and intelligent and so very, very capable against the combined forces of evil.

And he loved that he could prove it in a multitude of ways. Starting by kissing her awake and watching her yawn and stretch in his arms. She soon had him grappled in a similar manner.

“Good morning, Mr Tremaine,” she joked.

“Good morning, Mrs McDonald,” he cooed. “Shall I make you some breakfast? Or would you prefer to lie in?”

She giggled. “Knowing your lot, they’re ready to throw you some kind of congratulation party, just outside the door. Better put some clothes on, hm?”

They kissed. “The party can wait half an hour.”

“My stomach can’t,” she said, and it growled like a savage beast.

His echoed hers. “Fine. Pants, then breakfast, then canoodling.”

She shuffled into a long shirt. Long enough to reach her knees. “I’ll burn the bacon, you coddle the scrambled eggs.”

He grinned. “And then Taako will scream at us and cook us a real breakfast. A perfect plan.”

There was a muffled shout from outside the door, “Except you two goofs gave it away…”

The laughter was infectious. That’s what made it the best morning.