[AN: Oooh, there are so many headcannons flying around about Ango’s parents. I’m going with abuse-by-micromanagement]
“Fold your fingertips under and push with your knuckles,” instructed Lup, who couldn’t coach Angus by physically moving him around.
“Tip of the knife against the chopping board,” reminded Taako. He held his hands behind his back so that he wouldn’t spook Angus by absently touching him. It had taken less than a day for Taako to realise that Angus didn’t like being physically manipulated and adjust his teaching style accordingly. “Just slice and move the zucchini. Slice and move.” He created an illusion of tiny hands doing the motions with the help of Prestidigitation, so Angus could see.
Angus, tongue stuck out of his mouth because he did that when he was having difficulty with a task, focussed so intensely on doing what he was shown that he never saw the two figures rapidly approaching the open-air kitchen that the trio were using for cooking lessons.
He didn’t see them until one yelled, “Angus Fortitude McDonald!”
Angus nearly sliced his knuckles off. He dropped the knife and backed away from his work in progress. “I was only learning,” he said.
“Honestly, this is how you show your gratitude?” chided his mother.
“We give you a place in the best academy in Faerun, and the first thing you do is run away to play detective?” said his father.
“We set you up for a lifetime career. The best career,” said his mother. “Theoretical multiplanar rune research. And this is how you repay us.”
“Uh,” said Magnus Burnsides, bringing in lumber for the fires. “Who are you guys?”
“And you’re associating with ruffians,” sniffed his mother.
“We are going to have a long talk about why you thought it was appropriate to interfere with our memories, young man,” said his father. Which meant that his parents were going to talk and he would have to stand still and listen and answer only when asked to answer, but otherwise stay there and take the haranguing. “Do you even remember any of your manners? Or did you wipe those out through the voidfish as well.”
“Excuse me, but his name is Fisher,” said Magnus. “And the baby is called Junior.”
Angus cleared his throat and ran himself through the mental exercises he did to keep a calm and steady voice even when he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. “Mister August McDonald, Missus Abigail McDonald… it is my pleasure to introduce Lup and Taako, from Tre Llew-Ddion, Magnus Burnsides…” he cleared his throat again because his voice cracked, “late of Ravensroost, and Merle Highchurch,” who was napping in a nearby hammock. “The three men are the team from the Bureau of Balance known as Tres Horny Boys. The lady is… Taako’s twin sister. Everyone? These… are my…” his voice died on the word ‘parents’. He couldn’t say it.
“Ee-NUN-see-ate,” scolded his father.
“Project,” declared his mother. “We gave you elocution classes, at least pretend our money was well spent.”
Merle started awake, peered at the parents, and said, “Who are these assholes?”
“Honestly, the company you’ve fallen into,” tutted his father.
By now, all he could see was his own shoes and a haze of unshed tears. They were going to take him away. They were going to take him away from everything and everyone that he loved and shut him up in the kind of boarding school that was the next best thing to a prison and a poorhouse combined and claim they were doing his best for him.
“Stand up straight,” chided his father.
“Boys don’t cry,” snapped his mother.
“Do I incinerate them now, or wait ‘till later?” said Lup.
Angus peeked towards Taako, who was fidgeting with his KrEbStAr with a speculative look in his eye. Taako caught Angus looking. “Made ‘em forget you, huh?”
Angus nodded. “…’essir…”
“I can see why.”
Magnus put himself between Angus and his parents. He never did like to see any living creature bullied. “Step. Off. Give the kid some air.”
“You think you can intimidate us?” said his father.
“We’re his rightful parents,” said his mother. “If you don’t give him to us, we can get the law involved.”
“We’re the ones who love him,” said his father.
Taako, looking as smug as a cat in a canary farm, said, “Prove it.” The smirk grew smugger. “Not with what you’ve given him, but with what you know about him.”
They set it up so that it could be fair. A kind of quiz show contest officiated by Lucretia with Taako and Magnus on one side and Mr and Mrs McDonald on the other.
Each question was judged by Angus, sitting under Merle’s Zone of Truth. Points arranged on a big board by Carey and Killian.
“Question one,” said Lucretia. “What is Angus’ favourite activity?”
Mrs McDonald said, “Homework, of course.”
Taako won that one with, “Solving mysteries.”
On it went. Favourite dessert: “None, he doesn’t have dessert.”/ “Bananoffee pie with extra marshmallow fluff and chocolate sprinkles.” Magnus won.
Best friend: “Lord Quisling of Bazilforte.”/ “Mavis Highchurch-Roughridge.” Taako and Magnus answered simultaneously and won.
Favourite rainy day activity: “Studying like a good boy.”/ “Reading those Caleb Cleveland books in a pillow fort with at least two cats and a hot chocolate.” Taako won because he provided both cats and hot chocolate.
Most-loved extracurricular activity: “None, all his activities should be curricular.”/ “Magic lessons with Taako,” answered Taako, while Magnus answered, “Acrobatics lessons with Carey.” They both won a point together.
And finally, the destroying, “What makes Angus happy?” which the contestants had to write down.
His parents wrote, He has yet to learn how to be happy. Taako and Magnus conferred and wrote, The life he chose for himself.
The Bureau of Balance obviously won by a landslide, but Lup had to rub it in. “A zero score. Seems to me you don’t know squat about your own kid.”
“This doesn’t prove anything,” protested his father. “We still have a right to our child.”
“Actually,” said Lucretia. “It proves neglect and abuse. By not knowing anything about your child, you’ve proven neglect. By not seeking out his happiness in any way, by enforcing a state of obvious misery, you’ve proven abuse. We could take it to a court of law, but it’s clear you’d lose and go to prison for your extant crimes. However, if you surrender your rights now, we will consider supervised visits–”
“Like fuck we will,” protested Tres Horny Boys in unison.
Lucretia glared at them. “We will consider supervised visits if you can demonstrate learning how to become decent, loving parents inside of a year. Starting with sensitivity training and child psychology classes. I hear Neverwinter University is running some flash courses for the… especially inept.”
“Burn!” Magnus yawped in glee.
His mother and father were lost for arguments. They looked - for the first time in Angus’ memory - completely lost.
Angus turned to Lup, who, as an actual lich, was not nearly as frightening as his own parents. “What just happened?”
“You’ve been adopted,” she said. “Grats. You have the entire BOB staff plus two liches plus probably one Reaper as your parents. You’re never going to run out of love, kiddo.”
That sounded… that sounded just perfect, come to think of it.
Re: Purring Elves
I’m 10000000000% behind you on this one, but consider this:
Distressed/injured Elf purring for self-comfort: panting, short bursts of purrs at a low volume. May be felt more than heard.
Emotionally distressed Elf purring for the comfort of friends/family: Longer, deeper purrs in longer bursts. May include oscillating tones for a soporific effect.
Parental-feeling Elf purring for child: Definitely soporific oscillations in tone, low, steady volume. Almost always unbroken by breaths.
Comfy/safe Elf with friends/family: LOUD AS POSSIBLE, unbroken purr. Oscillations in tone dictated by breathing.
Feel free to use this in any purring Elf fics
Double Play - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]
I was working on one of my larger stories and then this shiny plotbunny crossed my path…
The twins and a scam-of-sorts that they call “The Two For One Sale”.
What the Fuck, Taako? - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]
Companion piece to Drought Breaker. Because Lup needs more screen time.
When We Were Us - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]
I have an ongoing series that’s chronicling the twins’ shitty, shitty childhood.
Kitchen Fight - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]
My fingers slipped again :D
Completely random TAZ:BA thought
Pre the IPRE launch, Lucretia didn’t know that Lup and Taako were twins for like five months. They worked in different labs on the Light and whatnot. Lup was using more incendiary shit and Taako was working on transmutation. Lucretia was getting reports with nearly identical scribbled signatures [the twins have fucking sloppy sigs].
And then one day she asks either of the twins how they can get such a fuckload of work done and they’re like…
“What?”
“You do literally twice the work of anyone else on the team. How can you study two different disciplines at once?”
And after that twin is done laughing their arse off, they get Lucretia to sit perfectly still in one spot like, “Trust me, this is going to be fucking GOLD.” And then they piss-bolt straight to their sib and are all, “Come on ya gotta come with me right now, you will fucking SCREAM.”
And then they both arrive and Lucretia’s staring at nearly fucking identical elves like, “What. The. Shit.” And the twins are laughing so hard they’re crying and DROOLING and nearly collapsing in a heap.
The rest of the crew doesn’t let her forget that for like twenty worlds, either.
Hey fanartists
Consider this:
Baby Taako and Lup, or Lup and Taako since we all fucking KNOW she’s the alpha twin. Runaways and exiles, etc.
BUT
With matching
Shirley firkin Temple
god
damned
RINGLETS