2:09 AM

Dark Side of my mind is entertaining me with visions of how I (a) could look guilty as fuck or (b) get locked away for my own good when Beloved dies. Thanks a fuckton, Dark Side.

I just want to get back to sleep. Shut up you miserable part of my brain.

Firkin intrusive thoughts.

Buy my books: http://bit.ly/1hWjCxE

1:32 AM

Hello darkness my old friend…

Once again insomnia hits like a goddamn truck. Beloved has come home but not come to bed.

More work is happening on my site.

It hurts to lie in bed. It will hurt to get up. I know this because the soles of my feet ache, even now. And it’s cold beyond the doona.

It’s going to be a long and spoonless day. Please go to my Smashwords page:
http://bit.ly/1hWjCxE and buy some of my works

At least Beloved says they’re coming to snuggle soon. Yay I guess.

T_T ASDFGHJKL ;_;

Running around in circles…

Trying to get The Amity Incident capital-n Noticed by some nice famous people.

Except…

1. In order to gift something from Smashwords, I have to know the recipients’ email
2. Celebs don’t give out their emails to random hacks on the internet because reasons
3. Very good reasons
4. Like everyone and their kid brothers’ dog spamming them with bullshit
5. There’s no such thing as a private tweet so I can’t go that route
6. About the only thing left is snailmail and we all know how well trying to send something to another country goes [Hint: might as well put vouchers for free books into bottles and chuck them into the ocean]
7. Plus there’s a high liklihood it would wind up in a landfill, anyway
8. I have to Know a Somebody to get Noticed
9. I have to Be a Somebody to know a Somebody
10. I have to get Noticed to be a Somebody

Is it me, or is it inherently impossible for a plebe like me to get anywhere?

It’s 1AM and I can’t sleep

Prepare for the chain-of-consciousness blither.

I’m on my phone so IDK how to put this through a readmore whatsit. Please forgive what might be a wall of text.

Feel free to skip this post.

It’s my third year of writing at a pro level and I have hit one FUCK of a hump. It’s been one hell of a year, this year. Almost like this book is doomed.

Or I’m cursed.

This year has been dogged with tragedies large and small. Computer problems. Software problems. A death in the family. An injury that put me behind on my novel for nine fucking weeks. My day job can’t afford to pay me, any more… and the work I’m still doing for it is not getting any sign of an audience or an income. But I have to keep going or I’ll NEVER get an audience or an income…

The good things I try to do for people just… evaporate…

I feel like I’m trying to stop a flood by flicking bread crumbs at it. It’s all I have and I know it won’t work but I have to keep trying or drown.

This book… This book is just a few weeks away from being finished. I’m almost DONE. Seven weeks at 3K words a week. I should catch up with my backlog later today.

And after I’m done editing and punching up the comedy in it?

I’m throwing it at agents.

If *anything* I write is going to make it, it’s got to be a book called _Kung Fu Zombies_.

Contrariwise, if that book never makes it, nothing I write will.

This is my make-or-break. And I’m terrified. Because the way things have been going for me? It’s going to be ‘break’.

I have a fandom, but it’s so quiet that it might as well be mute. No fanarts. No fanfics (not that I could read them - ideas are infectious you know). Even when I encourage my followers to spread the good word about my stuff… All they do is reblog the post asking them to spread the good word.

Optimism is hard at 1AM and one’s snuggle-buddy is still absent because their second job is 100% voluntary and suffering the same lapse as my day job. And only sincere and vigorous digging is going to help at all. And I freaking encouraged them to do this in the first place.

I’ve been trying to cheer myself up by joking that a time traveller is sabotaging us. Right now? It feels like they succeeded.

Don’t worry, dear readers. I’ll get back up into my usual, obnoxious optimism in due course. It’s just…

I wish things weren’t so rigged against us. I wish I could see an end to the hard times. I wish the good things I try to do had more of an impact. Or even just… showed up.

It’s only the third year.

I don’t think I’ll make it to the ten years it’s supposed to take before you get Noticed for doing a thing.

Ugh.

I need some loves. Or some decent chocolate. Or just a regular fucking income. Or for that mythical time traveller to fuck off and pick on someone else.

My books aren’t *that* bad… are they?

-_-

my morning got off to a lovely start at fuckit in the morning when Beloved came home and woke me up by going to bed

then i spent the rest of the morning trying to get back to sleep

only to finally have a dream about the alarm going off and actually waking me up TWO FUCKING MINUTES before the alarm actually went off

i’ve already had my coffee of the day and it’s not fucking working

the printer won’t obey me

i’m low on spoons

my back hurts despite the brand fucking new posturepedic mattress we got

my feet hurt before i even got out of bed

i currently have two modes - capslock and lowercase

you do not want capslock

if i try to sleep now i will fuck up my internal clock even worse

i need new shoes

the money i actually got back from the tax man is going straight on clothes for the kids and food for the family and i will likely never see it when i’m financially stable enough to save for my cosplay

i’ve been using all my energy to catch up on the backlog of words i owe on KFZ and it shows because nobody has bought any of my for-profit books in a FIRKIN MONTH

i don’t have the spoons for punctuation or capital letters

i need a massive tax free windfall or tony abbott to turn up at my door and ask me what i need him to do to win my vote

and i would say: stand there with your legs apart and your eyes closed

and i would kick him in the nards so hard he’d get a nosebleed

and then tell him i’d never vote for him even if he paid me

but we all know none of that is going to happen so pleh

i got things i want to get done things i need to fetch things i need to do

and fuck all spoons

fuck

i’m doing the bare minimum today and spending the rest of it on popcorn, bad television, and animal crossing: new leaf

Argh!

Thanks, staff, for making your website impossible for me to use. I have to use my phone to post this.

How much do I have to raise to pay the xkit-extension guy to build a competitor site? Because this is making me think of doing it.