a cat walks into a bar
me..OW!!!
One for my Da ‘cause he loves horrible jokes like this.
(via thechocolatebrigade)
Hejibits [website | tumblr | shop]
[h/t: tastefullyoffensive]
Bad pun is bad.
So of course I’m reblogging it for MeMum to see :)
(Source: tastefullyoffensive, via thefrogman)
Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing by Buttersafe [website | twitter | facebook]
Reblogging for MeMum because sheep.
(Source: thefrogman, via thefrogman)
What to do if someone is silly enough to buy you an XBox One
I don’t intend on buying one, but my best beloved is one of those people who goes after shiny things, so…
Here’s the idea. Anyone who can figure out nasty ways to sabotage the nefarious edge to the X-box One is free to reblog and add their nasty ideas. The more heinous the better. The goal, of course, is to make Microsoft realize that spying on its clientele is a really bad idea.
If Someone is Silly Enough to Purchase an X-Box One For You:
- Play in the nude [bonus points if you’re not “physically attractive”]
- Only play the free game that came with the console
- Play in a fursuit/horse mask/other obscuring gear
- Rig things so that the camera only sees a horrible picture [goatse, tub girl, Justin Beiber, etc etc] and the mic only hears your collection of renditions of “Girl/Boy/Thing From Iponima”.
- Rig things so the mic can only hear your death metal collection when the machine’s turned off.
- Attach it to the outside of a tall building, preferably looking down from the top, and have a loop tape of suicidal self-dialogue playing. Time how long it is before the authorities arrive.
- Read it your collection of Vogon/Emo poetry
- Purchase a cheap/tacky kiddies’ game. Touch yourself continually while you’re playing it.
- Never use proper nouns while it can hear you. Arrange a system with your housemates so that everyone’s okay with speaking gibberish in the home.
- Play the ‘malfunctioning mike’ game [and time how long it is before authorities turn up]
- See if the cam can distinguish the difference between you sitting on the couch some distance away, and a miniature some centimeters away.
- Train your pet to sit on the controller and run the piss-easiest game you have. What was Twinkle’s high score? [I’m assuming your pet is named Twinkle because it is an awesome name for any pet]
- Place a copy of the Mona Lisa between you and the cam, so that it looks like Lisa is playing.
- Read it _50 Shades of Grey_ and the sequels
- Read it the _Twilight_ Series
- If neither of these are available, try reading it the worst of fanfiction.net
- Pretend to get high whilst eating skittles/peanuts or drinking lemonade
- Read all of fanfiction.net from oldest fic to newest
- Perform all of your grossest habits in front of the cam
- Perform morality plays about how it’s rude to spy on people in front of the cam
- Set up the console in the smallest room of the house
- Sing everything you’re doing. Off key.
- Pretend you’re getting high off the game you’re playing
- Disassemble the bugger and use the parts for something worthwhile
reblog with your own suggestions
The problems of writing
pitchblack-the-nightmare-king:
- Having a Beginning
- Having an Ending
- But WHERE’S THE MIDDLE?!?
- HOW DO I GET TO THE ENDING
- WHAT IS A PLOT
- WHAT ARE PLOT DETAILS
- WHAT IS WRITING
And most importantly:
- HOW DO I TITLE
HOW DO TITLE is the song of my people.
And after all this is accomplished:
HOW DO I FRONT COVER?
Seriously, not one artist has emailed me back…
(Source: pitchblack-the-nightmare-ki-blog, via pancake-angst)
How to survive a relationship with a writer
Fucking thank you.
I don’t know. I don’t think you can tar all writers with the same brush. We’re all different people. While some parts of this list are true, a more accurate guide to dating me would be named “How to survive a relationship with a young adult horror/thriller writer named Sarah” and it would probably look like this:
1. Don’t ask me how my book is going if you haven’t seen me writing for a few days. Instead, subtly suggest I work on it without mentioning my recent neglect.
2. Ask me what my opinions are on the latest bestseller. Trust me, I have a lot.
3. Only say you’re thinking of writing a book if you actually are. Don’t say it to impress me, and certainly don’t act like it would be an easy side-project if you deigned to bother. If you’re serious about writing, I’ll be excited that it’s something we can share. And if you ask me for advice on new projects, I’ll be honoured that you value my opinion.
4. Everything is research. Don’t be alarmed if you see my search history, if I start knocking over chairs in cafes for no apparent reason, or if I exclaim, “OOOH, THIS IS JUST LIKE MOVING A BODY!”
5. Leave me alone when I’m actually writing. Of course, if you notice that I haven’t eaten for a while, leave a small offering near my feet. Sacrifices of coffee are always welcome, although I’ll probably forget to thank you.
6. Don’t pick unfair fights with me. Or anyone you’re dating, writer or no. That just makes you a dick.
7. If we do fight, please explain your motivations. Otherwise, how am I supposed to extrapolate from it?
8. If I wander off at a party, worrying might be a good idea. If I haven’t had enough to drink, the crowd is probably making me panic. Left unattended and intoxicated, I’m inclined to do stupid things.
9. Notebooks and cute pens make great gifts. So do flowers. And pretty clothes and shoes and tattoo vouchers. Just because I’m an artist doesn’t mean that I’m not shallow. On that note, don’t buy me chocolate unless you want to hear me complain about my weight for days.
10. When a rejection letter arrives, Jesus Christ, get me something stronger than coffee. Also, hugs are always appreciated.
We should totes make this a thing. Every writer has their own little quirks.
Ten Tips on How to Survive a Writer Named InterNutter
1. Don’t ask how my book is going. I will go on for hours. Even if you don’t ask, you will get a score update on how many words I wrote.
2. DO NOT ASK ABOUT BEST-SELLERS. Best-sellers are rarely, if ever, in my favourite genres. The last one that was both best-seller *AND* IMHO a good read was the Harry Potter series. That was some years and fucking Twilight ago. Grump.
3. Never tell me you don’t have the time to write. Because I have found it. In bus stops. At train stations. In queues. On public transit. Waiting for some other person to get their thumb out of their butt and get on with things. There’s always time to write. Even if it’s just inside your own head.
4. My browser history is full of weird shit. Some of it is actual research. Some of it is for giggles. Have fun guessing which is which.
5. When I am in “the writer zone”, I cackle. I also make faces according to the emotion I’m writing. I also mutter. If you interrupt any single one of these, to find out why I’m doing this - I might just turn into a homicidal ragebeast and hit you with my manuscript. Consider yourself warned.
However, offerings of deliciousness and occasional coffee are appreciated. Just don’t stick them between my face and my screen. I may bite.
6. Do not pick unfair fights. I have a long memory and prefer my revenge served at zero kelvin on a golden platter.
7. If you absolutely, positively must fight about something, make sure both sides know what the hell the topic is. Otherwise 6 will happen.
8. If I wander off at a party it’s because I feel like I don’t belong. I usually blend into the walls and listen, rather than participate. I need as much information on normal people as I can get. Leave me in my duck hide, thanks.
9. Pens are good. Pens are very good. I like to have a stash of pens. Other good presents include good chocolate, care and attention and, if you’re feeling very lavish, a decent fucking computer that won’t die on me.
10. If the dreaded rejection letter happens, I will be an emotional wreck. Do not expect me to be completely functional for at least a month. Emotional support is vital. I need hugs to live. And lots of chocolate.
…I had way too much fun with this…
"Think outside the box" according to some games I've played.
- World of Warcraft: Kill twenty goblins to get a better box. Great! Now go kill thirty more for another one.
- Portal: The box will never threaten to stab you. And, in fact, cannot speak.
- Portal2: The box has taken over and it's doing a horrible job.
- TF2: Blow the ever-loving crap out of the enemy's box.
- Minecraft: Your entire world is made of boxes. And now you can make stuff with them!
- Every free-to-play ever made: Give us money and you get more boxes.
OKAY LISTEN:
if THIS POST gets reblogged 30+ times, i will buy the ebook and i will share it in multiple formats on a TBD location on the internet.
If it gets reblogged 100+ times, I will set up a separate tumblr for people to submit:
- their reviews (preferably including link to an actual review on the bn website)
- favorite excerpts.
- fanart
- fanfic
Suggestions for url accepted.
If it gets 500+ reblogs i will have to think of another thing.
okay tumblr, let’s do this. i believe in you.
Edited to add: In case you missed the post that inspired me to do this:
“he does what any red-blooded werehedgehog would do in his position”
Yes, it’s about a werehedgehog.
Reblogging for werehedgehog
(via callmegallifreya)