Tips for waitresses who are hit on by the douchebros who read “How to Hit On Waitresses”

1. Spit in his food
2. Spit in his beverage
3. If menstruating, add some ‘menses sauce’ to his order [Bonus, it may make him completely subservient to your will]
4. Take a discrete video of his disgusting behaviour and send it to his mom’s Facebook page
5. Melodramatically act like you’re madly in love with him. Then immediately declare that your “father the king” will have him executed in various horrible ways. Describe them in gut-churning detail. Continue for as long as you can without laughing in his greasy face.
6. Start nicknaming him after edibles, but never after footlong hotdogs for obvious reasons. Suggest that he might be the next secret ingredient in the house special. (“You’d look *fiiiiinne* slow roasted in an apple glaze…”)
7. Add “putting up with misogynistic bullshit” to the bill. Add ten dollars for each offence.

Any other suggestions, ladies?