In Taako’s defence, he never thought he had to run a perception check whilst packing for an adventure. That was his line and he was sticking to it. Even with an actual baby on the battlefield.

“I’m not a baby,” insisted Angus McDonald, fresh out of Taako’s Pocket Spa and smelling of pumpkin spice, for some reason. Also an actual baby. “I am twelve, sir.”

“Horseshit,” said Taako reflexively. “You were eleven, last year.”

“That’s kind of how years work, sir. They pile up.”

“That’s nice,” said Taako. “Keep your baby head down or you won’t be getting any more pile.”

“I’m not a ba–”

“FUCKING DUCK!” Taako shoved him down, moving into the way of some bad guy’s overpowered arcane blast. He shot something from his Umbrastaff, but it didn’t look good for the world’s favourite flipwizard.

Taako fell. Singed to a crisp. Down to negative hit points.

“SIR!” Angus readied his wand and fired off the heaviest-hitting spell he knew, one of Taako’s specials. “Abraca-fuck you!”

Frankly, it was amazing that it took the bad guy down. Angus didn’t have that many levels nor that many spell slots. The heroes of Story and Song would later claim that they had softened the big bad up for him.

But that wasn’t important to Angus right now. He ran to Taako, frantic, and poured a healing potion into his mouth. “Sir! Are you all right, sir?”

“…I canonically cannot die,” murmured Taako. He opened his mismatched eyes and smiled. “There’s my beautiful magic boy…”

“Sir, you nearly died.”

“Key word - nearly. That’s the important part,” he sat up and ruffled Angus’ hair. “Chillax, okay? Taako’s gonna be fine.”

“What the hell were you doing here, kid?” Magnus demanded. “That was fuckin’ dangerous. Never do that again!”

“Ease off, Magnuts. He saved my life. Technically.”

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 2]

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Still Tumbl'd, Still TAZ - Chapter 53 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

A little bit of not-quite-Dadnus for the soul

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 13]

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Tumbl Into TAZ - Chapter 95 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

Karaoke night at the BOB

It didn’t take the world’s greatest detective to figure out that something was up with Taako. The rest of the Reclaimers were dealing with the aftermath of Refuge, but Taako was more chipper than he had ever been. He was smiling a lot more for no apparent reason. His step was lighter.

Even more peculiar was the fact that people swore they heard Taako humming. The Elf who swore nobody would catch him singing… humming. 

It didn’t take the world’s greatest detective to notice, but Angus McDonald did it anyway. Since he was tasked with being the special Seeker for the Reclaimers, he took it on himself to discover what had gotten under Taako’s skin. Which didn’t take long because -duh- world’s greatest detective.

Taako was arm in arm with someone. Smiling and laughing and apparently fascinated with what this someone in black had to say. All the body language they had practically shouted that they were deeply into each other. They even kissed.

Oh.

Taako had a boyfriend. That was an interesting revelation. He wasn’t exactly being discreet about it, but he also wasn’t shouting it from the rooftops. His business should remain his business.

Except…

Angus remembered one wine-soaked evening when Taako got crying drunk and went on an extensive diatribe about his bad luck with men. He always chose the pretty assholes, he said. The lovely ones that left him, after stealing everything they could from him. It had devolved into an off-key rendition of Rainbow Connection with the words changed to include the refrain, “The liars, the cheaters, an’ meeeee…”

Given historic precedent, it was safe to assume that this sartorial stranger was going to do something horrible to Taako at some point, whether or not the Elf deserved it. Sure, they were happy now but the gloss was doomed to come off of that gingerbread, given Taako’s extensive past.

So Angus followed the stranger, keeping himself from Taako’s notice as they strolled together in the pink haze of fresh love.

It was when they finally bade each other a good night that Angus made himself known. Unfortunately, this also happened as the stranger transformed into a black-robed skeleton.

Angus tried Hold Person, but it didn’t do much. 

The skeleton transformed back into a very handsome man and asked, “What the hell are you playing at, kid?”

He still had his wand out, running through the list of spells he could reliably perform and idly wondering if skeletons were vulnerable to piercing damage. He could easily guess that they weren’t. “I’m not afraid of you,” he lied. “If you tried anything against–” shit. Words. Taako hadn’t exactly formalised what kind of deal they had together. “–my mentor… I’ll fight you.”

An elegant eyebrow raised. “It would be a short fight. Do you even know what you’re planning on fighting?”

He couldn’t keep the tremble out of his voice. “You’re a l-lich in d-d-disguise. You w-www-want the G-grand relics and you’re using Taako to g-get them.”

The puzzled expression softened. “I’m no lich. I’m a Reaper.” He summoned a scythe with the Raven Queen’s emblem on it. “I hunt down liches and bring them to judgement.” The scythe vanished into the pocket dimension from whence it had come.

Angus wasn’t convinced. “You could be using illusions to do all that.”

“True,” allowed the stranger. “I could. Consider this counter-argument… If I was evil, I would have zero trouble with hurting or killing you because you were in my way. This is a very foolish way to approach someone you think of as a threat, young sir.”

Belatedly, Angus remembered Rule Five - don’t get into the middle of a fight. Taako would be incensed that Angus had forgotten that one. Glass cannons, he repeatedly said, have no business being in the middle of a battlefield. He was too used to having the Rockport City Watch backing him up, or being under the watchful eye of one of the other Bureau staff members. He was so used to never being alone that he had forgotten that he actually was alone.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” said the stranger, and offered his hand. “My name’s Kravitz, and I promise that I would never deliberately harm Taako.”

Insight check - nat twenty. He was honest. He was truthful. All the same, “What’s your real goal here, please?”

“My goal?” Kravitz laughed. “I… I want to enjoy as much time with Taako as I can. Nothing more. He’s… incredible. Unbelievable. He’s…”

“An ass?” suggested Angus.

“Yes, that too. And I love him anyway.”

Well. Okay. “I’m still keeping an eye on you, sir.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from Taako’s star pupil. It was nice meeting you, Angus McDonald.”

Wait. How?

“I’m the Grim Reaper. I know everyone’s name.”

*

On the next date, as they were sitting and watching an amazing sunset, Kravitz said, “Met your kid.”

“Huh?” said Taako, and winced at the banality.

“Well. Your student, protege, or apprentice. What’s the word for it, these days?”

“Angus fucking McDonald? You met that brat?”

“I didn’t know his middle name was ‘fucking’… but yes. He threatened to fight me if I was out to hurt you.”

“Cute, pointless, and a complete reversal on Rule Five. I’m gonna have to give him extra drills f’r that.” Taako considered the actual implications for a second. “Did he win?”

Kravitz had the most wonderful smile. “I managed to defuse the situation with logic and reason,” he said. “He’s making sure I don’t hurt you.”

Gods. That was so fucking adorable that Taako wanted to hurl. Of course, Taako couldn’t say as much out loud. “Eh, babies get attached to the weirdest things…”

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7]

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The sparring match stopped when Angus landed badly. Everyone in the Icosagon froze. Clerics in the room looked to each other.

“Not it,” said Merle.

Taako rolled his eyes as he put his Umbrastaff down. “You okay there, pumpkin?” Not that he overtly cared or anything, but the kid was kind’a the whole moon’s mascot at this point and he would lose major social points if he didn’t at least pretend.

Sure. He could tell himself that one.

“It just stings, sir.” Angus McDonald propped himself up at first, then moved into a seated position so he could inspect his injuries. As he brushed the dust off, blood started to flow.

“Oh golly… Who’s got Cure Wounds?”

Now the Clerics were looking at each other with worried expressions.

“Aw fuuuuck…”

“No, it’s okay,” Magnus Burnsides rushed in. He picked Angus up and carried him over to the benches. “Y’all got any first aid kits?”

Now the assembled Clerics could provide. Taako tutted and sighed. Trust a Cleric to run out of spell slots early on in the day. He hovered and watched, pretending that he was feigning an interest for the benefit of anyone watching.

“That’s some primo gravel rash, kiddo,” Magnus said, using a cloth to dab at the wounds, cleaning them.

Angus hissed.

“Yeah, this antiseptic almost always stings. You can get some that don’t? But not in your standard medicine kit.” He had an apologetic smile. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” Angus managed through gritted teeth. “I’ve had this sort of thing done before, sir.”

Taako subdued a rising ire against anyone who’d made this boy suffer on purpose. This was probably some kind of fucked-up normal for little Ango. Poor kid. Taako had to find a way to make the kid wake up to that fact. Just… not today.

“This is swabbing. It helps keep the blood from dripping just about anywhere,” said Magnus. “These kits come with a pair of scissors so you can cut it to size. Good rule of thumb is to measure the injury with your hands and cut a finger’s width wider. Lay it on gently, don’t press it in…”

“Uhuh,” said Angus. “This seems almost deceptively easy now that you’re explaining it.”

“What? Clever clogs like you didn’t gain a proficiency in medicine?” said Taako, teasing him. Which gave him an excuse to hang around and be certain that the kid was going to be okay.

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t know everything about everything, sir.”

“These are the bandages,” continued Magnus. “You want them firm enough to stay on, but not tight enough to cut off your circulation. Leave an end loose at the start, wind one way, wind the other, I like to do that twice before tying off. Nice and snug?”

“Yessir.”

“Always check the extremities to make sure they’re not turning red. That’s a sign that it’s too tight. Also watch out for swelling, pins and needles, and a loss of sensation. That means you gotta re-wind it. Got all that?”

“Yes, sir! I need a minute or two to make some notes on all this.”

Taako coughed his way around the word, “Nerd.”

Magnus glared at him. “Now, you have to un-wrap it tomorrow, clean any yuck outta there, and rebandage it if you can’t find any useful Clerics.”

“Useful Cleric is an oxymoron,” muttered Taako.

“And rest that leg for a while, okay?”

“Yeesh. Just admit you wanna adopt him, why don’cha,” sniped Taako. “Kid’s not that dumb or fragile.” That was the closest thing Ango was going to get to a compliment today. Or at least, until he learned Taako’s Magic Lesson number four - Avoid Getting Hit.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7]

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“Sir?” Angus poked the Elven wizard, who was sprawled on a bench.

“I’m deep in meditation,” he lied.

“You’re hung over,” said Angus. “I just have one question for you, sir. And then I can help you unlock your suite so you can go back to bed.”

Taako’s baleful glare was full of red veins. “Fine. Ask.”

“What happened to Sazed Baker, sir?”

“Who?”

“Your assistant from Sizzle it Up! With Taako, sir.”

Taako moaned, hauling himself up into a roughly seated position. “He left me. Alone. Didn’t tell me where or why. He just left. He took the horse. He took the gold. He just… left. I didn’t look for him, I’m not gonna…” another red-eyed glare, “and you’re not either.”

“But sir…”

“Nope. It’s in the past. It’s done. Four years gone. Don’t even.”

“Sir, I have reason to believe that you were not to blame for the deaths in Glamour Springs.”

“You also have reason to believe in the tooth fairy. Hold up your side of the bargain, little man. Get me into my suite like you said you would.”

Angus did that, and then decided to do some sleuthing on his own.

People escaping the law tended to take different surnames. They kept their given names, and their birthdates. His first stop was the Neverwinter Hall of Records, looking up Sazed Baker, then anyone else who shared a birthdate who came out of nowhere within a few weeks of the final show of Sizzle it Up! With Taako.

Just as Angus predicted. Two weeks after Glamour Springs, there was a trail of Sazeds with the same birthdate. Sazed Vinter. Sazed Merrow. Sazed Raddler. Sazed Tailor. In every town where he took work, he had a different surname. He stuck to small towns, poor towns, and little backwaters where the news was less likely to reach.

He had been going from town to town, job to job, name to name, for four years.

There was a pattern. Sazed never took a name that encapsulated his actual skill. He was headed progressively further away from Glamour Springs. He always travelled via the back roads and, according to the records, Sazed was due to hit a tiny little village called Pig Wallow.

It was faster to catch the cannon there, following a trip via globe to the moon. He could outpace this man.

Angus didn’t believe Sazed to be a villain. He believed him to be a person of interest only.

That was just one mistake.

Another was going to a place like Pig Wallow in his fancy lad clothes.

*

“He did what?”

“Young Mr McDonald has evidently tracked down someone from Taako’s past.” Madam Director. “Whilst I normally approve of his moonlighting as a detective, he’s taken to solving… you, Taako.”

“What?”

There was a copy of a headline on Angus’ wall of madness. Taako knew it well. He didn’t want to read it again.

“Oh gods,” said Magnus. “That’s why you stopped touring?”

Taako was already out of the room. “Let’s just hurry up and fetch the brat.”

Pig Wallow was exactly the kind of place that lived up to its name. Everything here was made out of mud. The crops grew in mud, most of them were used to feed the pigs that gave the little town its name. The people were muddy up to their knees, and bore an inbred suspicion of strangers.

Magnus, the closest to Angus’ natural skin tone, pretended to be Angus’ father, looking for his son who liked to dress up fancy and poke around asking questions.

Nobody had seen anything, of course. They didn’t trust anyone, until Magnus made an impassioned speech about Angus being the only family he had left after his wife died. Only after that did the fingers of suspicion point towards the newcomer. Sazed Carpenter. Who lived on the outskirts and kept to himself and raised pigs like everyone else.

By all reports, he was a fairly good swineherd. The most important part of those reports was that the fancy lad had last been seen heading towards the Carpenter hut.

Magnus rushed in. Taako summoned Garyl. In order to expedite their journey, he cast Levitate on Merle and towed him along like a weirdly ugly balloon.

The best news was that Angus had got Sazed monologuing.

“…first time’s always hard,” Sazed was saying. “Most times, it’s an accident. I intended to just make him sick. I should have thought things through. Stopped criticising his weight. If he’d just tasted his cooking… Nobody else would have had to die.”

Angus’ voice. “How does that connect with the string of missing persons in your trail, sir?”

A chuckle. “Sir. Nobody ever called me ‘sir’ in my entire life. For a smart kid, you’re kind’a stupid. Can’t you piece it together?”

“Given the victim profiles, sir, I can guess that they were chosen for their wealth. One thing eludes me, though. No trace was ever found of their bodies. How did you do that, sir?”

Taako could hear Sazed’s smirk. “Pigs will eat anything, and I’m a very good swineherd.” Taako could almost hear him preening. “They won’t find any trace of you, either. Nosy boy.”

Magnus rushed in, reducing the door to splinters as he did so. Taako, however, took aim and cast a spell full of tentacles and madness.

“Abraca-fuck you!”

Squirming tentacles summoned from a cthuloid void grappled Sazed. Magnus cut the table that Angus was bound to to shreds and Merle hustled the kid out and onto Garyl.

“Glad to see you alive, pint-size,” said Garyl. “You know you did a very stupid thing, right?”

“I did gather,” said Angus.

“Cool. Cool.”

The Reclaimers were back outside in seconds, breaking off from the fight and focussing on getting the hell out of Pig Wallow before the natives decided not to take a shine to these new strangers.

The Pig Wallow people had a very simple approach to strangers.

Angus didn’t say a thing about how tight Taako held him as they galloped away. He didn’t say a word about the wetness leaking from Taako’s mismatched eyes. He never said a thing about the elven wizard’s pounding heartbeat as they escaped a whole village full of peasants with torches.

He didn’t get to say anything about Sazed until they were in the globe and headed back to the moon.

“He admitted to trying to poison you, sir.”

“Fat lot of good it does,” said Taako. “Whole world still thinks it was me.” He wasn’t really looking at anything. “Could still have been me…”

Angus suspected that it wasn’t Taako at all. The problem was… there was no proof. 

Tumbl Into TAZ - Chapter 28 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

A follow-up from the allergic reaction that I wrote, the day before yesterday. Because they so kindly asked.

They were visiting the beach, so of course Taako busted out his surfboard. He cut an interesting figure, gliding across the waves as if it were magic. Angus, still learning how to swim, was distracted by the spectacle.

He almost didn’t hear Magnus yell, “Watch out for the riptide!”

Angus had just enough time to say, “The what?” Before the water yanked him under. There was swirling, and he couldn’t tell which way was up, and rough coral cut him and something hit his head and then all was darkness.

“SHIT!” Magnus bellowed. he took a deep breath and dove into the riptide, trying to at least be there for the kid.

Taako saw the whole thing, including a very small figure zipping underneath him. Followed not closely enough by the big lug with the minimal perception score. He flicked the surfboard around and rode away from the cresting wave he’d been riding, paddling with his hands to get extra speed. He cast Water Breathing on Angus and Magnus, and hoped that he was in time.

Under the water, Magnus felt gills grow. His vision cleared in the briny deep, and he could see Angus floating limply in the water. He had gills, too, but they didn’t seem to be working. Blood plumed out from some wounds. He started swimming towards the kid, hoping he got there before the shadows in the depths.

Taako summoned his new pet from his pirate adventure, bidding it to look for those humanmen and bring them to Taako. Magnus freaked at the sight of a giant octopus. He wasn’t that great about anything with eight legs. Taako had his eyes on the kid, Mango could look after himself.

The Octopus was gentle, of course, bringing Angus carefully up to the surface.

Angus wasn’t breathing.

They were far from the shore and Angus wasn’t breathing.

Taako got Magnus on the surfboard and said, “Take this back to shore.” He stepped onto the octopus and used that as a steed to get most of the way back to shore. For the last twenty feet, he got the octopus to throw them.

He landed near Merle, who was ready to cast Spare the Dying. Both of them together wrestled air into Angus’ lungs.

Taako only breathed when Angus recovered from coughing and spitting up water. “I told you he should’a gone swimming in the lagoon.”

“No you didn’t, I did,” argued Merle. “You said he’d be fine.”

“Can’t prove it,” said Taako.

Angus shakily sat up. “Thank you, sirs. I thought I was a goner for a second there.”

“Take it easy for a few,” advised Taako. “Not everyone can be a wizard of the waves like Taako.”

Somewhere, out in the ocean, Magnus yelled, “Taako! How do you make it go?”

[AN: I got good news for you, Nonny! I’m planning a longer version over in my plot kittens file. So I’m doing a much briefer version here.]

It started on the first Candlenights after the Hunger War. The only time he had had to chill out, snuggle down, and watch Fantasy Television with his main man, Kravitz. Everyone was nearly asleep thanks to the Candlenights feast, and the evening news was playing because nobody had the energy to reach for the Fantasy Remote. Besides, one of the cats was probably sleeping on it.

They were up to the puff pieces. Orphanages receiving Candlenights’ toys. Taako was particularly struck by the faces as they pretended to smile. He knew this ruse. They all had to cluster under the Candlenights Tree and pretend to enjoy opening presents that they had spent all day wrapping before the Fantasy News people stopped by. They all had to smile and pretend that these were the best presents in the world. The ones who actually got on the news got extra favours for a month.

There was a tiny boy in the arms of a gigantic teddy bear, with tears in his eyes. The smile on his face was fake as, but that didn’t matter because he was cute.

“Aaaww…” cooed Krav. “Poor little mite’s overwhelmed.”

“Overwhelmed that it isn’t real,” mumbled Lup.

“We spent some time in places like that,” said Taako. “Babe? I wanna rescue one of those kids. Give ‘em a chance.”

Krav chuckled. “Sure thing, babe. You bring me the paperwork and I’ll sign it. I’ll even come to any interviews you arrange.” He was probably thinking that this would be yet another pipe dream that Taako would soon dismiss as too much work.

He was so very, very wrong.

Four months later, he was attending inspections with Taako to make sure that the eventual home of a child they hadn’t met yet was up to snuff. Considering that this was the twins’ grandfather’s old farm, there was a lot to fix. Starting with the old-fashioned kludgie-holes that they were gradually installing proper toilets over.

Two months after that, they were walking around what looked like the shittiest orphanage in Faerun. Taako kept muttering ‘typical’ over and over again. The clothes were grey. The walls were grey. The linoleum was only black and white by way of a technicality. Heat avoided these places. The boys’ wards always smelled of pee and pinesol. The former because the nasty ones literally pissed on everything they could aim at.

Their tour guide was patiently explaining that things were sterilised with ammonia. Lying through her teeth. Taako kept walking until they were shown the sun room, where the babies were adopted by heteros and the sickly kids were allowed to stay so they’d be warm and moderately healthier.

There, the world’s tiniest child was seated in the window and reading a very thick book. Taako ignored the bloviating about the babies to creep up and see what the kid was reading.

Caleb Cleveland and something-or-other. It had been heavily censored. All the action scenes were left up to the imagination.

This one, he thought. I’m taking this one into my family.

This was a kid who had given up, so he was mostly silent on the first handful of visits. Nervy kid. Terrified of doing something wrong. He saw largesse from Taako as more of the usual glitter that would -to his mind- inevitably get taken away.

Taako spent most of their bonding time in the kitchen. Helping Angus to cook up some delicious shit. Helping him get used to making mistakes. Not being overly concerned when the kid inevitably messed up, as kids could do. Even when he dropped a bowl, Taako’s first concern was that those bare little feet and soft little hands weren’t cut by the sharp china fragments that had scattered around. He hadn’t even noticed it until Angus pointed it out.

Krav bonded with the help of Caleb Cleveland. They bought the entire set so far and Krav used his adorkable Bard skills to do all kinds of character voices. Taako brought in snacks and drinks and took a few turns reading as well.

Visit by visit, little by little, Angus started to believe that he was wanted. Smiles started appearing on his face. He started growing more open to hugs. Thanks to Taako’s cooking, the general prognosis started to look more positive.

It took well over a year, but they finally signed the last piece of paperwork. Angus was his. Theirs. Whatever. He was family.

They would be having a welcome-to-our-home party on the soonest Tuesday. The one day that everyone had off.

“Brace yourself, kiddo,” said Taako. “Now you’re mine, I wanna try kissing your face off.”

Angus giggled. “You can certainly try, sir.” He threw his arms around Taako’s neck for a very successful grapple roll.

Taako, for once, didn’t care who heard him purr or who saw the happy tears in his eyes.

[AN: Oooh, there are so many headcannons flying around about Ango’s parents. I’m going with abuse-by-micromanagement]

“Fold your fingertips under and push with your knuckles,” instructed Lup, who couldn’t coach Angus by physically moving him around.

“Tip of the knife against the chopping board,” reminded Taako. He held his hands behind his back so that he wouldn’t spook Angus by absently touching him. It had taken less than a day for Taako to realise that Angus didn’t like being physically manipulated and adjust his teaching style accordingly. “Just slice and move the zucchini. Slice and move.” He created an illusion of tiny hands doing the motions with the help of Prestidigitation, so Angus could see.

Angus, tongue stuck out of his mouth because he did that when he was having difficulty with a task, focussed so intensely on doing what he was shown that he never saw the two figures rapidly approaching the open-air kitchen that the trio were using for cooking lessons.

He didn’t see them until one yelled, “Angus Fortitude McDonald!”

Angus nearly sliced his knuckles off. He dropped the knife and backed away from his work in progress. “I was only learning,” he said.

“Honestly, this is how you show your gratitude?” chided his mother.

“We give you a place in the best academy in Faerun, and the first thing you do is run away to play detective?” said his father.

“We set you up for a lifetime career. The best career,” said his mother. “Theoretical multiplanar rune research. And this is how you repay us.”

“Uh,” said Magnus Burnsides, bringing in lumber for the fires. “Who are you guys?”

“And you’re associating with ruffians,” sniffed his mother.

“We are going to have a long talk about why you thought it was appropriate to interfere with our memories, young man,” said his father. Which meant that his parents were going to talk and he would have to stand still and listen and answer only when asked to answer, but otherwise stay there and take the haranguing. “Do you even remember any of your manners? Or did you wipe those out through the voidfish as well.”

“Excuse me, but his name is Fisher,” said Magnus. “And the baby is called Junior.”

Angus cleared his throat and ran himself through the mental exercises he did to keep a calm and steady voice even when he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. “Mister August McDonald, Missus Abigail McDonald… it is my pleasure to introduce Lup and Taako, from Tre Llew-Ddion, Magnus Burnsides…” he cleared his throat again because his voice cracked, “late of Ravensroost, and Merle Highchurch,” who was napping in a nearby hammock. “The three men are the team from the Bureau of Balance known as Tres Horny Boys. The lady is… Taako’s twin sister. Everyone? These… are my…” his voice died on the word ‘parents’. He couldn’t say it.

“Ee-NUN-see-ate,” scolded his father.

“Project,” declared his mother. “We gave you elocution classes, at least pretend our money was well spent.”

Merle started awake, peered at the parents, and said, “Who are these assholes?”

“Honestly, the company you’ve fallen into,” tutted his father.

By now, all he could see was his own shoes and a haze of unshed tears. They were going to take him away. They were going to take him away from everything and everyone that he loved and shut him up in the kind of boarding school that was the next best thing to a prison and a poorhouse combined and claim they were doing his best for him.

“Stand up straight,” chided his father.

“Boys don’t cry,” snapped his mother.

“Do I incinerate them now, or wait ‘till later?” said Lup.

Angus peeked towards Taako, who was fidgeting with his KrEbStAr with a speculative look in his eye. Taako caught Angus looking. “Made ‘em forget you, huh?”

Angus nodded. “…’essir…”

“I can see why.”

Magnus put himself between Angus and his parents. He never did like to see any living creature bullied. “Step. Off. Give the kid some air.”

“You think you can intimidate us?” said his father.

“We’re his rightful parents,” said his mother. “If you don’t give him to us, we can get the law involved.”

“We’re the ones who love him,” said his father.

Taako, looking as smug as a cat in a canary farm, said, “Prove it.” The smirk grew smugger. “Not with what you’ve given him, but with what you know about him.”

They set it up so that it could be fair. A kind of quiz show contest officiated by Lucretia with Taako and Magnus on one side and Mr and Mrs McDonald on the other.

Each question was judged by Angus, sitting under Merle’s Zone of Truth. Points arranged on a big board by Carey and Killian.

“Question one,” said Lucretia. “What is Angus’ favourite activity?”

Mrs McDonald said, “Homework, of course.”

Taako won that one with, “Solving mysteries.”

On it went. Favourite dessert: “None, he doesn’t have dessert.”/ “Bananoffee pie with extra marshmallow fluff and chocolate sprinkles.” Magnus won.

Best friend: “Lord Quisling of Bazilforte.”/ “Mavis Highchurch-Roughridge.” Taako and Magnus answered simultaneously and won.

Favourite rainy day activity: “Studying like a good boy.”/ “Reading those Caleb Cleveland books in a pillow fort with at least two cats and a hot chocolate.” Taako won because he provided both cats and hot chocolate.

Most-loved extracurricular activity: “None, all his activities should be curricular.”/ “Magic lessons with Taako,” answered Taako, while Magnus answered, “Acrobatics lessons with Carey.” They both won a point together.

And finally, the destroying, “What makes Angus happy?” which the contestants had to write down.

His parents wrote, He has yet to learn how to be happy. Taako and Magnus conferred and wrote, The life he chose for himself.

The Bureau of Balance obviously won by a landslide, but Lup had to rub it in. “A zero score. Seems to me you don’t know squat about your own kid.”

“This doesn’t prove anything,” protested his father. “We still have a right to our child.”

“Actually,” said Lucretia. “It proves neglect and abuse. By not knowing anything about your child, you’ve proven neglect. By not seeking out his happiness in any way, by enforcing a state of obvious misery, you’ve proven abuse. We could take it to a court of law, but it’s clear you’d lose and go to prison for your extant crimes. However, if you surrender your rights now, we will consider supervised visits–”

“Like fuck we will,” protested Tres Horny Boys in unison.

Lucretia glared at them. “We will consider supervised visits if you can demonstrate learning how to become decent, loving parents inside of a year. Starting with sensitivity training and child psychology classes. I hear Neverwinter University is running some flash courses for the… especially inept.”

“Burn!” Magnus yawped in glee.

His mother and father were lost for arguments. They looked - for the first time in Angus’ memory - completely lost.

Angus turned to Lup, who, as an actual lich, was not nearly as frightening as his own parents. “What just happened?”

“You’ve been adopted,” she said. “Grats. You have the entire BOB staff plus two liches plus probably one Reaper as your parents. You’re never going to run out of love, kiddo.”

That sounded… that sounded just perfect, come to think of it.