In Taako’s defence, he never thought he had to run a perception check whilst packing for an adventure. That was his line and he was sticking to it. Even with an actual baby on the battlefield.
“I’m not a baby,” insisted Angus McDonald, fresh out of Taako’s Pocket Spa and smelling of pumpkin spice, for some reason. Also an actual baby. “I am twelve, sir.”
“Horseshit,” said Taako reflexively. “You were eleven, last year.”
“That’s kind of how years work, sir. They pile up.”
“That’s nice,” said Taako. “Keep your baby head down or you won’t be getting any more pile.”
“I’m not a ba–”
“FUCKING DUCK!” Taako shoved him down, moving into the way of some bad guy’s overpowered arcane blast. He shot something from his Umbrastaff, but it didn’t look good for the world’s favourite flipwizard.
Taako fell. Singed to a crisp. Down to negative hit points.
“SIR!” Angus readied his wand and fired off the heaviest-hitting spell he knew, one of Taako’s specials. “Abraca-fuck you!”
Frankly, it was amazing that it took the bad guy down. Angus didn’t have that many levels nor that many spell slots. The heroes of Story and Song would later claim that they had softened the big bad up for him.
But that wasn’t important to Angus right now. He ran to Taako, frantic, and poured a healing potion into his mouth. “Sir! Are you all right, sir?”
“…I canonically cannot die,” murmured Taako. He opened his mismatched eyes and smiled. “There’s my beautiful magic boy…”
“Sir, you nearly died.”
“Key word - nearly. That’s the important part,” he sat up and ruffled Angus’ hair. “Chillax, okay? Taako’s gonna be fine.”
“What the hell were you doing here, kid?” Magnus demanded. “That was fuckin’ dangerous. Never do that again!”
“Ease off, Magnuts. He saved my life. Technically.”
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 2]
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Tumbl Into TAZ - Chapter 95 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]
Karaoke night at the BOB
Koko had frozen halfway through putting his costume on. He was staring off in a particular direction with a lovelorn expression on his face.
“Focus, dear,” said Lulu, yanking the leotard all the way up to his shoulders. “We’re on in five.”
“I can’t help it, he’s gorgeous,” Koko sighed.
Lulu tweaked the piece of tarpaulin so that it blocked his view of this particular circus’ knife thrower, Kustaad the Magnificent. “He’s straight as an arrow and knows you’re underage, Koko. Give up.”
“But he’s gorgeous…”
“Everybody knows, Koko. Including his wife.” She made faces at him so she could fix his makeup. “You might have a chance with his son…”
Koko murmured uncertainly. “I know they’re unhappy, I heard them fighting…”
“That wasn’t fighting, bro-bro.”
“Three minutes, wonder twins! Goggles on or Harkin’s gonna scrag you!”
Because Harkin believed in Witch Eyes and so did a large portion of the audience. Lulu put his on because Koko wasn’t focussing on any damn thing but the wants of his own groin.
Lulu grabbed his face. “We are going to be jumping around at each other thirty feet off the ground, brother-dear. I need you to focus on the most important people - us.”
He sighed, pressing his forehead to hers. “I know. I know. Mind on the job.”
“Good,” she breathed easier. Just in time for them to wow the audience with glitter and dazzle.
*
There he was! The most beautiful man Koko had ever met. He was sweaty and out of breath from his part of the show and Kustaad just stole what little breath he had left. He still had a smile for the man. “Did you see?” he panted. “Amazing, right?”
Kustaad said what he always said, since he was literally old enough to be Koko’s father. “You did good, kid. If I was your dad, I’d be proud of you.” And he petted Koko’s head like a loving parent might.
Of course he did. He had a kid Koko’s age. That hurt.
At least Koko had the sense not to share the acres of bad poetry he’d written about being painfully in love with an older man who wasn’t even aware that gay people existed.
Meanwhile, there was Kri. Kustaad’s son who was a mere handful of years Koko’s junior. Sure, Kri could mature to be just like his father, but he was a weedy Elven junior of about Seventy.
Who was definitely in adoration of Koko, and might have a baby crush. “I saw you,” said Kri. “You were amazing! You’re always amazing. When you did that flip and swapped around to leap backwards? I swear my heart stopped.”
It wouldn’t be fair to lead Kri along when he was so badly in love with Kustaad. And it wasn’t fair to Kri to not at least be friendly. “We got us a situation, huh?” he said.
“Huh?” echoed Kri.
“You got a thing for me. I got a thing for… someone else. It kind’a hurts, right?”
Kri sighed, pain in his eyes. “Yeah. It does.”
Taako took a deep breath. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I know exactly how much this hurts.”
“Wish it didn’t,” said Kri.
“Your mouth to the gods’ ears,” said Koko.
That night, he would spend three hours waxing lyrical to Lulu about the great sacrifices he had made in the name of love. Making friends with a younger kid and bonding over how painful love can be when it wasn’t returned.
All so Kustaad could be happy that his son Kri had a reason to be happy.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 3]
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Tumbl Into TAZ - Chapter 78 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]
Feeblemind spell used in this chapter. Those disturbed by this should know that I tried to remain respectful with it.
Taako had allegedly been teaching Angus survival skills. So far, that sort of training had involved waking up in the middle of nowhere with Taako lounging artfully on some landscape and the greeting, “Surprise, little man. Any thoughts on how to survive this one?”
Angus was getting used to it. He had set every possible alarm on his sleeping quarters, but still Taako managed to pick him out of bed, stuff him into a sleeping bag with some bare essentials, and take him off the moon and into a random wilderness. The only irritating thing at this point was that this was the third time in as many weeks.
Angus had had to admit it was effective. Taako would hang around and supply information whenever Angus stumbled. The basic rules had already been covered. Survival skills like the priorities of water, shelter, and food. Where the best places to locate all three could be. What perils to watch out for in which terrains, how to be prepared to escape them.
Never how to be prepared to beat them. These were survival lessons. Taako taught him survival. How to live another day. Getting strong enough to beat the heavy hitters involved living that long.
So far, this trip had been more pleasant than most. Fishing in the local stream, cooking over a campfire, running survival checks to forage for foodstuffs. Angus thought he was doing rather well, until he brought a handful of elderberries to his mouth.
“NO!” Taako screamed like he was watching his mother being murdered.
Angus dropped them out of reflex, but Taako was already on him, checking in his mouth, feeling him over, temperature and pulse, glaring into his eyes.
Taako was talking very quickly. “Nightshade looks like elderberries. Never eat ‘em if you can’t be sure. Watch out for sweats, light sensitivity, a high heart rate. Nausea. D’you feel nausea, kiddo? Any kind’a sick? Feel like y’r insides wanna become outsides?”
“I’m fine, sir, I didn’t even eat one.”
Prestidigitation to create a palm-sized glowing globe. It wavered back and forth in front of Angus’ eyes. Close and then further away. He kept this up for five whole minutes.
“Damn it, why’re your eyes so dark? Why’d I have t’ leave my Stone on the moon? You feeling any dryness in your mouth, sweetheart? Palpitations? Any need at all to throw up or take a dump?”
Taako’s pupils were paper-thin slits, even in the gloom of early evening. His pulse was jumping, his breath quickening. His ears lowered and his hair thickened as it curled with stress. He was panicking.
“Sir…” Angus held his hand. “I’m not dying, I promise. Let’s take some deep breaths, okay? Breathe with me.” He breathed a little slower than Taako’s panicked panting. Slowing down towards a normal rate as Taako slowed down. “I’m fine, sir. I did not eat any berries.”
“Good thing because those are night…” he trailed off, gaze jinking over all the plant. “Those are actual elderberries. Clusters, not singles. Different leaves… They. They’re… elder…” He pulled Angus close in a rare hug. His heart was pounding. “Better t’ stay away from ‘em, huh? Just in case.”
Taako was trembling, that night, as Angus made dinner. Since they were following the stream down its course, it was fish again. With safer wild herbs for seasoning. His hands shook as he wound his golden hair into its evening braids.
“Are you going to be okay, sir?” Angus asked.
“Watched a lot of people get nightshade poisoning,” his voice trembled, too. “Not pretty.” He crawled into his sleepy sack and Mage Handed the zipper closed. “You remember Hold Person, right?”
“It’s not a cantrip, sir. It’s a Second Level spell.”
“Well, fuck,” muttered Taako. “Not gonna lie, this’ll be a rough one.”
The ears of the ridiculous cartoon dog face on the chest of Taako’s sleepy sack were also restraints for the arms. To stop a person inside from hurting themselves in the middle of their nightmares. Angus had to promise three times to sit on Taako if he tried to escape the camp.
Taako didn’t lie. It was a rough one. Three separate nightmares, one of which had him bawling like a child for someone named Sazed. A different one had Taako thinking Angus was a vengeful ghost. He slept peacefully at the dawn, and Angus let him have the extra rest.
The sunlight finally made him sit up and wake into the real world. “Ugh,” he said, “Fuck. Okay. You’re you. We’re still at a camp, and headed towards civilisation. I’m good. Lemme out of this thing.”
Angus set him free of the sleepy sack. Served a decent breakfast of leftovers and packed up what he could while Taako stretched and picked at his food.
Now the mystery of the Elf’s shadowed eyes and lack of appetite was solved, revealing another riddle underneath. If he had his notebook, he could write the clues down. Pity that wasn’t in his go-bag.
Angus didn’t try to eat any elderberries for the rest of the trip.
[TAZ Prompts remaining: 10]
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If the whole family was there, they’d need a bigger cote. But… pretending that it was big enough for:
* Seven Birds
* 1 Sweet Boi
* 1 Nosy Grl
* 1 Bone Daddy
If Taako also ignores his animosity towards Luce… the arrangement would be:
Barry and Lup together doing what comes naturally (because the Twins enter luume in sync) possibly behind some crude privacy barrier.
Ango nurturing Agatha as was in the story.
Magnus, Krav, Luce, Merle, and Taako as reserve guards, stacked by the doorway according to heaviness of hitting. Krav would be kept near the kids because he has the power to effectively teleport them out of there.
Not that such an emergency measure would be needed though.
Baking Day was an even mix of fun, mess, and a modicum of frustration. Angus thought he was getting the hang of it and Taako was stress-testing his last nerves in watching an amateur take twenty minutes to do what a pro could do in seconds.
He had to keep casting back to when he was an amateur bumbling along under the guidance of Aunty Ques. How she had put up with these levels of horseshit. In doing so, he missed Angus just tossing the measured flour into the whipped egg whites.
“Sift it fir–” too late. “Augh!” His hands went up, bracelets jangling, to grip at his hat.
Ango went down, ducking and covering for a split second before realising that no incoming blows were going to happen.
In that time, Taako had lowered his hands and had to roll a save to stop feeling like the scum of the universe. He said, “Who hit you?”
“Nobody recently, sir. Everyone up here on the moon treats me really well.”
Taako fought for calm. “That wasn’t the question I asked, pumpkin. Someone had to hit you a lot for that kind’a reflex. Don’t matter if they’re not on the moon…”
Angus couldn’t look him in the eye. “My parents never hit me, sir.”
“So it was tutors they paid for? Nice,” he dripped sarcasm with that last word. “Or was it some shitty boarding school for fancy boys?”
“…they were s’posed to,” Angus murmured. “Discipline’s very important…”
“Horseshit.”
“Sir?”
“Horse. Shit. There’s hundreds of ways to get kids to act nice and beating on ‘em is one o’ the worst. I never knew the feel of someone else’s hand until I was out on the road and far from home ‘n’ family.” He had his centre, now, and used his new-found calm to gently pat Angus’ hair. “You know I’d never hurt you, right?”
“There was that time you threw me off a train, sir…”
“Better than letting you stay on it,” said Taako. “Anyway, I cast Shield. You were fine.” He’d never admit it, but he also believed he’d never see this kid again. Now that he was a coworker… Damnit. He added, “Sorry.”
Angus looked stunned. “Did you… just apologise to me?”
“Don’t brag about it,” said Taako. “You were due. Make a big thing out of this and you might not hear any more. Got it?”
“No, I understand, sir. I just… nobody’s ever done that before.”
Shit. Now he felt worse. “That’ll change,” said Taako, inwardly vowing to make it change. “Get used to it.”
[TAZ prompts remaining 8]
Well, if you chance by FЯEE KATZ then you’ll know that Taako straight up adopted seven children of an indiscriminate mother. Mostly because he’s a big softie and doesn’t want any living thing to exist with nothing and no-one.
In rough order of naming:
Weepo - “scrambled-egg” calico with no clear pattern. Does a very good Taako impersonation with her purring. Settles next to a person as a sign of affection. Most likely to bring in live prey.
Blitz - Mostly grey, white spats and a tail spot. Grows up to become undisputed Fluffiest Cat in the house. Foot-stalker, pen-chaser, and most likely to bring you dead vermin with an air of unbounded pride in himself.
Socks - Black cat with white socks (knee-high) and a tail spot. Has a blaze on their chest. Cruise-by smudger [they walk close past you and lean on the way through] and most likely to bring in random objects [I hunted you this leaf/clothes peg/bit of string be proud of me]. Perches on ankles/feet and complains when the perch-ee moves.
Caleb - Ginger with white blaze, tail spot, and tum. Fucking loves Angus [don’t we all] and will partially occupy any random Angus body part while our boy reads. [partially occupying is a cat thing where they sit their front or their rear on a thing, never the whole body] Places paw politely on books as a request for scritches. Preys on vermin, eats the evidence.
Neapolitan - Calico with definite stripes, though her ginger has a mackerel pattern. Second-fluffiest cat in the house and complete cuddle slut. Anybody’s friend for pets and love.
Asshole - That one cat who acts out for attention. Mostly white with a brown ‘hat’, saddle, socks, and tail spot. Machiavellian plotter and serial objet d’art destroyer. Most likely to eat the houseplants. May deign to sit on Taako’s lap (and then fart). Frequent attitude of, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present to you… my ass!”
Lord Specklemont Gripthigh Esq. - Mackerel tabby in hues of greyish-brown. Very fancy lad, sits properly or loaf-forms. Never sprawls. Asks permission to occupy a lap by gently tapping an unoccupied thigh with a front paw. If he kills anything, he’s polite enough to not mention it. Doesn’t participate in the 5PM Cat Cyclone, but actually uses the 2kGP exercise wheel that Taako purchased when they were all kittens. Nicknamed “Specky”, but glares at you if you use it in his presence.
Practice battles in the Icosagon had actually faded into being boring. They were safe. There was no risk. There was no desperation. There was nothing at stake. There were even healers hanging around on the bleachers in case the mock battles knocked anyone down. The only thing at risk was dignity.
Tres Horny Bois were sparring against Team Smarty-pants, Carey, Killian, and Angus McDonald. Both sides knew each others’ weaknesses. Both knew that if they were knocked down to zero hit-points, the clerics gathered on the bleachers would butt in and save valuable lives.
It was routine to the point where Taako was almost doing this in his sleep. He much preferred to get back to sleep, which was why he wanted this dumb exercise over with as soon as possible.
Entangle the Meat Shield, confound the Rogue, dazzle the Mage, cha-cha-cha… Magic Missile, Magic Missile, cha-cha-cha…
Angus cast shield. Lad was learning. Taako was nearly impressed.
Well. If he wanted to shake things up, Taako was game.
He dipped into his ingredients pouch and brought out a single, small, hot pepper. The only warning they would get. Then he cast Dragon Breath, aiming at Carey and Killian.
Angus McDonald, allegedly the worlds’ smartest person, leaped between the competent women and Taako and attempted to cast Shield.
He failed.
Taako watched his life fall to pieces all over again in slow motion.
Angus completed the parabolic arc to the floor of the arena as if he were falling through water. Flames licking at him like they had licked at his stage wagon in Glamour Springs.
Some of the bodies were so small. Not as small as the one that was practically at his feet. Crumpled in pain like those who hadn’t eaten as much of the thirty-clove garlic chicken. Crying out like so many of those he had left behind in his panic.
Just like back then, when he had grabbed Sazed and harnessed the horse to their camper wagon, Taako ran. The whole world was slow as he flung the Umbrastaff away from him and started out of the arena. It felt like trying to run through an ocean of molasses. Like trying to breathe cotton.
He’d done it again. He’d done it again! He’d done it again!
There was nowhere to run to, not on the moon.
He deserved this.
He deserved worse.
There was one way to run. Right off the gods-damn moon. He didn’t hear anything but the rushing of blood in his ears, and the painful drag of air through his throat. He could only see his goal - the edge of the moon base. The unprotected plateau that had been the doom of an uncounted number of dogs[1].
He didn’t stop. Let his feet cycle in thin air for a couple of steps. Then shut his eyes so that he wouldn’t be able to regret his decision.
He’d killed a kid who had no-one and nothing to the point where he hero-worshipped a murdering scuzzbucket like Taako. This death was earned and long since overdue.
Payment for Glamour Springs.
Payment for Angus.
Payment for everything else horrible that he’d done in his entire life.
{fomp!} the wind stopped thundering in his ears and something yanked at his left arm.
Taako’s eyes opened. That fucking umbrella did actually follow him. He glared at it through a veil of tears. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he demanded. “I killed a kid. I deserve to die…”
The Umbrastaff, as always, was silent.
“I hate you, you accessory from Hell.” So now he was going to live. Fuck. Worse, they could track him because of the fucking silver bracer that his Umbrastaff had a good grip on.
Options. He was going to live because the Umbrastaff wouldn’t let him die. He could cut off his left hand, lose the bracer, and just fucking run. Except he was allergic to pain, so that should be a last resort only.
There were places he could hide where the signal from the Bracer was interrupted There had to be thousands of caverns in The Teeth. He could farm mushrooms and cave slugs and be a cave hobo.
Better than a murder hobo.
A figure appeared before him. Fancy lad. shiny shoes. The feathers in his fancy lad cap were less by one. He had his arms folded and an expression of deep confusion. “Pardon my language, sir, but what the fuck?”
“Great. Now I’m hallucinating,” said Taako.
“No, sir. I’m guaranteed one hundred percent alive. Mr Highchurch was actually handy with a healing spell, sir.”
“Now I know I’m hallucinating…” he rolled his eyes. “The day Merle actually heals anyone is the day the world ends.”
“No, sir. Mr Burnsides reminded him that he can heal and I was fine in the jiffiest of jiffies. But you’d already run off by then.”
Taako reached out with the hand that wasn’t caught up in the grip of a malevolent accessory. Poked Angus.
Kid felt alive enough.
“Are you good, now, sir?”
Taako shrugged, “Well, I’m not as evil as I previously assumed, I guess… Sure you’re not dead?”
“Absolutely, sir.”
They were both featherfalling to the middle of nowhere. Since the moon was closer, it was worth burning a spell slot on. “All right. Improv magic lesson. Come on over to me. I’ll show you what Fly looks like.”
The Umbrastaff was on his side as they soared up to settle on the relative firmness of the Bureau quad. Where Magnus and Merle were waiting with the same question Angus had.
“What the fuck?”
Taako lied like a rug. “Have no fear, gentle co-workers, Taako’s saved the day, the boy, and imparted a valuable lesson.” He denied ever jumping off the moon in the first place, blew so much smoke up everyone’s assed that they gave up on trying to ask Taako anything.
Eventually, they all filtered away, leaving just him and the kid in the middle of the quad.
“Sir,” said Angus. “I heard you say, not again.” He had his notebook and pencil out, raking notes. “What sort of thing could have you panicked like that?”
“Prefer not to answer,” said Taako. “We’re alive today. Be glad of that.” He shut down, turned off, and Blinked the fuck out of there.
Nobody needed to know this shit. If that kid asked any more questions, Taako might actually answer him, one day.
[1] For those of you who are worried - that number is zero. Actually, Davenport and Lucretia are allergic, so they don’t let dogs on the moon.
[TAZ prompts remaining: 4]