[AN: Did someone say Terrible Elf Larvae?]

So far, today had been absolute shit for Angus McDonald. Everything that could go wrong, had. Including rain with the distinct absence of an umbrella, a miscommunication in schedules, a hormone rush from being a teenager, ripping his pants in front of someone awesome, and tripping over his tongue in the vicinity of a cute girl.

Next, the famous Twins were taking turns in suggesting how he could improve his life with just a few cautionary measures and Angus had flashbacks to his micro-managing, nit-picking gene donors allegedly calling themselves his parents.

There had been a huge row. A knock-down, drag-out screaming match where all three sides were yelling, “You don’t know what it’s like,” at each other. With increasing volume and differing emphasis between iterations.

Angus, clutching his wand so he didn’t make or throw fists, yelled, “I WISH YOU DID!” And accidentally cast Wish on himself.

There was a bright flash of light. A thunderclap of sound that knocked Angus flat on his back and caused the household cats to scatter into assorted nooks and crannies. When he stood back up, neither Taako nor Lup were anywhere in sight.

They could have easily cast Blink or otherwise run off to hide and play a goof on him, as was their wont. Angus wasn’t in a mood to take any of that horseshit. “Very funny, sir, ma’am,” he growled. “I am not in the mood, okay?”

Silence there, and nothing more. Well. A soft, shuffling noise from the other side of the kitchen countertop. A coo. A murmur.

Angus toured around the counter and found the Twins. Two years old at the most. Naked, because their grown self’s clothing did not fit tiny Elf babies. Huddled up and holding each other and close to tears.

One look at Angus’ pissed-off face was enough to set them wailing.

“Oh, shit,” he muttered. His heart fell as he realised exactly what had happened. “Oh… shit…”

Now he had tiny Elf larvae to look after until such time as the spell wore out or reversed somehow.

How. The fuck. Was he going to explain this to Kravitz or Barry?

“Oooh shiiiiiit…”

What did tiny baby Elves like to eat? Were they still suckling at this age? Angus suddenly realised that he didn’t know.

“Oh, shi-hi-hi-hiiit…” Angus started to cry. This was the absolute last thing he needed on the shittiest day of his life and the final straw tipped him into tears. He fell to his knees and curled up in a ball and just… wailed… about his misfortunes.

He was only dimly aware of the twins’ babbling to each other. Not babbling. The proto-version of their own language. At least they weren’t crying any more.

Angus fought to recover himself, but today had been literally the worst. He looked the baby version of Lup in her mismatched eyes and whispered, “I’m so sorry…”

The baby version of Taako was cringing a little and sort-of hiding behind baby Lup, and sucking his thumb.

“I’m really sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“Aaaw,” cooed baby Lup. “Aaaaawww…” and patted his arm.

Bad day or not, these baby versions of his guardians and mentors needed him. He couldn’t cope with this alone, but he had to cope enough until someone could swing by and help out.

*

Fabricate had created some perfunctory children’s clothing out of Barry’s least favourite denim accessories, and some truly comfortable cotton sheets for their underthings. Taako’s cooking lessons had taught him how to make more than elementary food.

Creative use of furniture made a coffee table and some Fantasy Bean Bags made setting an eating area for them a work of inspired desperation.

A few Stone calls had people on their way to Casa de Taako to help out with more than just the basics.

Nothing on Faerun, alas, could make baby Taako eat his peas. Not butter. Not cheese. Not goopy sauce, which Taako had once claimed that babies loved. Not mooshing them up with the mashed potatoes. Not ketchup.

Nothing.

Not even pretending that the spoon was a dove wanting to come home to feed her babies. All the realistic cooing in the world couldn’t make baby Taako open his little baby Elf mouth.

Baby Lup thought this was hilarious. At least Angus could successfully sleight-of-hand some into her when she was openly guffawing at her brother.

Merle rushed in. “I got here as soon as I–” the scene greeted him. Twin baby Elves with more of their dinner on them than in them, Angus, also wearing a decent portion of their meal, making dove noises and sighing in exasperation as the baby flipwizard once again successfully evaded Angus’ feeding attack. There was only one way to react to that, and that was as if someone had cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on him.

“Oh my god,” he laughed. “Oh, help me, Pan… “ He was struck prone from the hilarity and had to punch the ground in fits of laughter.

Baby Taako thought that was hilarious, and Angus got in an attack of opportunity, getting some peas into his usually recalcitrant maw. Baby Taako looked like he’d been betrayed and then spat them with some velocity at Angus.

Baby Lup applauded, spraying pumpkin everywhere.

Angus surrendered. “I suppose you don’t have any suggestions on making baby Elves eat their vegetables, sir?”

Merle was still howling with hilarity, but he managed to sit up. Tears spilled from the corners of his eyes. “Fuck if I know how to make kids eat.” He finally rolled a will save to conquer his own giggles. “What’ve you tried?”

Angus ran through the list. Every sauce and flavour he could think of.

“So… not honey.”

Ah, fuck, he’d forgotten honey. Angus sighed and mage-handed the honey over, which he drizzled into the mess that was once a serving of peas.

Success! Finally.

It was exhausting enough just getting them to eat when they were hungry. “You at least have parenting experience points, sir. What do they need?”

“Nyuh,” baby Taako said, flinging a handful of generic mess at Merle.

“I dunno about lots of shit,” said Merle, “but these little grubs need a bath.”

Baby Taako shrieked in terror and started running as fast as his little legs could carry him. Good news, babies didn’t have much in the way of move points. Bad news, the little blighters were fucking agile as shit. Baby Lup was running around just for the sake of running around, laughing because she thought this was an immensely fun game of Chase.

Merle couldn’t do much but get in the twins’ way, which was not as effective as Angus would have liked. It took some superior dexterity and more than a few double dashes to capture the little shits.

If feeding tiny toddler Elves was messy business, bathing them was even worse. The twins did enjoy the bubbles, but they also enjoyed splashing each other, Angus, and every last inch of the bathroom, including the ceiling.

Angus was soaked, but Prestidigitation could at least make sure the towels were toasty and dry. He was more than a little out of practice with braiding their golden hair, and Merle at least was able to help with wrestling them into their bedclothes.

Once tucked into a cuddle cote, clean and dry and cozy, they looked deceptively innocent.

“I’m too old for this,” complained Merle.

“I’m feeling too old for this,” sighed Angus. He was just about ready to collapse. “Who else is coming?”

“Well,” said Merle, “You’re going to have to explain this to their husbands.”

Ffffuuuuuuck…

*

“Near as I can figure, sirs, it was a misfire of Wish. I don’t know how to break it.” He had chosen to tell the story over the two tiny, slumbering forms. They even held hands in their sleep. At least with the twins sleeping right in front of them, there was no chance of anyone yelling at him.

Angus had had more than enough yelling for the day. He’d had more than enough yelling for a lifetime.

Kravitz sighed and said, “I’m not mad. I’m… disappointed.”

Ouch. That was even worse than the yelling. “This was an accident. I didn’t mean it. Not like this…”

“Nevertheless, it happened,” grumbled Barry. He settled himself in the cuddle cote where he would be within easy comforting range of baby Lup. Just like Kravitz had settled to be ready for anny of baby Taako’s needs. “Their names are Lulu and Koko, if they don’t remember being grownups.”

“I don’t think they do. Would there be any way to test it? They barely speak Elven…”

Kravitz shook his head. “I’m pretty sure that if they did remember adulthood, they’d be doing more to try and solve this puzzle.” He glanced at the sleeping baby Taako. “That’s assuming he isn’t enjoying this second childhood…”

Angus sank into the pillows with a hopeless groan. “Gods let this be over,” he whimpered. “Gods, let this be over soon…”

*

“Koko! Get outta that soup! Lulu! Don’t eat that soup![1]”

Childish giggling erupted from the kitchen where the soup was supposed to be cooling for long storage in the Fantasy Freezer. Koko had evidently decided that this was an interesting bath and Lulu wanted to see how her brother tasted as a garnish. How they had got up on the countertop was a mystery that Angus didn’t particularly care to solve.

His leading theory was that wherever the cats could go, the twins could climb. They were agile little shits, and seemingly adept at using random bits of furniture to get into things that they shouldn’t really get into.

Angus scooped Koko out of the soup, holding the dripping child version of his mentor. “Please tell me you didn’t pee in there?”

Giggling. That was neither a yes nor a no.

Lulu took a sip from the ladle. “Ur yuck!”

Now Angus knew for sure. “You peed in it. Grub.” He didn’t think, just placed the filthy child down on the floor and tipped the ruined soup down the sink. “That’s it. I’m buying a gigantic crate of ramen and blaming you for my lack of nutrition.” He dumped the pot in the sink and scooped up Koko before he could run very far away. “You just earned yourself a bath, mister smarty-pants.”

Koko was kicking up a stink, more because Angus was taking him away from his sister than because he was getting a bath. Lulu stomped after him, yowling in protest because her brother was kicking up a stink.

“You can have a bath, too,” Angus said, “It’s just that mister messy, here, needs it more.” He was speaking Elven, the one language they had in common. On the plus side, he was getting more practice than ever in his Elven. On the minus side, he was too worn out for his normal studies.

Good thing the post-graduate program was understanding about this mess.

Lulu attempted to climb his leg and Angus scooped her up in his other arm. The twins were quieter when they were together, but when they were quieter that automatically meant that they were up to no good.

Even on the rare occasions when he found them napping in one of the cat’s cubbies, they were up to no good. They had a habit of finding shiny objects before they were lost and taking them into small hidey-holes. That wasn’t when they were busy looking for Angus’ stash of Sugar-Me-Do cereal.

Small Elves should never have processed sugar. One encounter was enough for Angus. It was also enough for the twins, and they now made it their lives’ mission to find it again and have more.

Prestidigitation took care of Koko’s dirtied clothes. A bath full of warm, soapy water took care of the twins. It also took care of his third outfit for the day.

“Honestly,” he said. “I’m only trying to keep you safe and well.” Angus scrubbed some congealed smear off of Koko’s leg. “I really understand how tough it can be. I understood like five days ago. Wish fucking granted…”

Once again, it didn’t work. The baby twins remained babies. Angus had cast Wish on himself, not them. He couldn’t cure it by Wishing them back to normal.

Clean, but not dry, Koko escaped the towel with a gleeful shriek and went running up the hall. Kravitz must be home.

“Hallo, bare bum boy,” Kravitz’s voice singsonged. “Escape again, did ya?”

Koko didn’t use his words, just made an incomprehensible squeak of glee. Lulu clambered out of the tub to join what she knew had to be the fun.

Angus was more or less forced to chase after the two of them with towels. Cursing all the way.

Kravitz had Koko wrapped up in his feathered cloak, held high in his arms. The child had his arms wrapped around the reaper and was grinning like he’d won a prize.

Lulu was wet and pouting that Barry wasn’t there for similar hugs. Angus scooped her up and started drying her off. “I guess he really likes you, sir.”

“Yeah,” Kravitz sighed. He turned his face towards Koko and said, “I love you too.” And he delivered a kiss to the baby wizard’s brow.

One thing about wishes… if they’re bad ones, they can be reversed with True Love’s Kiss.

There was another thunderclap, and another flash of light, another wave of energy that knocked Angus and Kravitz flat. Where there was once a toddler, there was now the adult Taako, looking rather stunned and clad only in his husband’s robe.

Lulu, still a baby and still in Angus’ arms, looked up at him in shock. “Wuh?”

“True love’s kiss,” crowed Taako. “Fuck yeah! Agnes, go put Lulu down for me.”

Lulu was close to tears. “Koko… Koko come back…”

Taako knelt down. “No, babe. I’m gonna bring you back,” and he kissed her on top of her head.

After yet another thunderclap and flash of light, Lup was using the towel as a rather ineffective shield for her modesty. “Wow,” she said. “Okay. Let’s never do that again, okay?”

“Hell fuck yeah,” Angus agreed. “I’m gonna never use the words I and wish in sequence ever again.”

He would wait a week before taunting Taako about peeing in the soup.

[1] Shut up, I had to. [For those of you who don’t get it, this is an adjusted Steam Powered Giraffe reference that you’d only get if you’ve seen David’s vines.]

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They split up their talents. Angus could find just about anything with the right sources via periodicals. Agatha had the charisma to get most people to trust her with information that they would not impart to anyone else. As an information-gathering team, they were almost unstoppable.

Almost.

On the trail of one of the viler abductors in Ranadto City, they had some clues, but not enough for a definite plan of action. They definitely had some evidence, but they needed the right spellcasters to divine anything out of it.

Angus was back on the trail with the periodicals, coming up with several possible leads. With those winding up with small mentions of things that could be evidence on Agatha’s side of things. He brought out his Stone of Farspeech and tuned it to Agatha’s frequency.

She didn’t answer. Not the first call. Not the second call. By the third call, Angus got worried. The Bureau of Benevolence bracers had a tracking spell that Angus only used for dire emergencies. Missing the third call only qualified for a map trace, giving an agent’s rough location on any given map.

Agatha’s trace pointer was jinking around her last known location like a flea on a hotplate. If she was running and fighting, she might need his help. Though, knowing her, she would likely help him for the cleaning up, afterwards.

…but why was there a fight happening at the Investigations Office?

It wasn’t far, but when he got there, the entire building was in chaos. All the BOB people were screaming and running hither and yon. Running into rooms with one exit, and then attempting to climb sheer walls. People were wriggling out of windows and then screaming because they were now up above the ground. Even when they were on the ground floor.

Something was major league fucked up.

Angus sent a quick message to the moon base for some top class mages to unfuck things at the earliest convenience. In the meantime, he had to find his wife.

She was in the Files room, which had a relatively confounding labyrinth of filing cabinets. He could hear her clattering around within, attempting to quiet her rapid breaths and rolling ones. The edges of her hushed shrieks tore at his heart.

“Agatha… Agatha, it’s Angus. I’m here for you.”

Even under a spell where she was terrified of nothing, she ran into his arm.

“Deep breaths, babe. Deeep breaths. It’s going to be okay.”

“They’re coming. They’re coming to get me. We have to run. We have to hide.”

“Not any more,” he said. There was nobody here but BOB personnel. “They’re gone. They’re gone, now, babe. Come on. You tell me five things you see, okay?”

She pushed at him, urged him to hide in the filing labyrinth. “They’re coming… I can see them in every shadow. We have to run. We have to…”

“What do they look like?”

“Dark. Dark shadows. They’re coming. They’re everywhere.”

This had to be some kind of hallucinatory curse. Everyone here was completely terrified beyond reason. He didn’t want to use his magic against her, but… if she kept running at this level of terror, she would run to exhaustion.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he cooed. “I’m gonna cast Sleep on you so that we can sort this all out. You’re going to be safe, I promise.”

She was shaking in his arms. “Keep them away from me?”

“Of course.” He cast Sleep at the highest level he had, getting everyone else in the immediate area. Upstairs and downstairs. It took four such spells and some added Featherfalls for the poor souls at the windows to get the entire Investigations Office laid out in the emergency bunk racks. Gently tethered down in case they woke up in the same state they went under.

It took every atom of control he had to leave his lovely wife in her nebulous state of distress. It was harder than leaving the rest of his coworkers in a similar state a mages, clerics, and other investigators flooded into the scene.

He didn’t know he was crying until Taako stopped to help mop his face. “Ease up, boychick. We’re sorting this thing out as lickety-fucking-split as we can.”

“I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t reach her…”

“Happens, sometimes. You can’t fix everything. You did good with what you had. That’s the important part. Sometimes, ya gotta let smarter people deal with things. That’s happening now.”

Taako used to be taller than him. Now Angus could rest the Elf’s head against his chest as his adopted Dad had once done for him. He clung to Taako and sobbed into his hat.

“Easy, there, kiddo. Easy. This ain’t permanent. We ain’t stuck.”

So hard to believe it, right at that moment.

“Yeah, all they had to do was find the enspelled artifact and fucking smash it,” said Agatha. “We’re fine, you big baby.”

He was never happier to scoop up his family in his arms. Taako in one and Agatha in the other. Though he only had kisses for Agatha. She was a little wet-eyed herself, eager to give as well as receive.

“Put me down, damnit,” Taako complained. “You’re ruining my brand.”

Agatha caught her breath as Angus put them down. “I think they took something. I was trying to fight them in the files when the curse hit.”

Adopted father and son had an identical reaction, “Well, fuck.”

However, Angus knew that criminals only destroyed evidence that would work against them. “We need to identify what’s missing. That’s the thing that would have definitely identified them.”

Like all bad guys who attempted to obscure their path, they actually made an arrow pointing right to them.

Angus was going to fuck them up. Big time. Him and everyone else in the Bureau who loved Agatha.

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It wasn’t exactly late. Not according to the clock. It was just that he was up all night doing research on the next Grand Relic and didn’t get the kind of sleep that a small boy truly needs to make it through another day.

People in higher education did this sort of thing all the time, and Angus was wondering how. Maybe it had something to do with being grown.

Right now, though, it was hard to focus on anything. He was distracted, disorganised, feeling debilitated. He had to admit, he was also a little disoriented. All of these were good reason to not be training in the Icosagon.

Angus ignored them. If the rest of the people here could train in any circumstances, then so could he.

That was why he made the critical mistake.

He’d been tumbling with Carey and Killian, working on some Rogue evasion skills with Magnus, when he heard Taako’s voice say, “Shield!”

That was a cantrip he knew. Something was arcing towards him through the air.

Angus thought, Magic Missile and lifted his wand.

It was pointed the wrong way.

Three D4 damage later, he woke up in the Base hospital. It was after dark and the lights were low and someone’s hand was on his. Angus reached out with his free hand, finding his glasses and the light switch. Fortunately, in that order.

The being holding his hand was Taako. Elves didn’t need sleep, they said, but this Elf seemed to be conked the fuck out. Slouched uncomfortably in a hospital chair that could easily double as a torture device. His impeccably white shirt was besmirched with blood and snot and some smoke on one shoulder.

Right where someone would cradle a bleeding child’s head as they ran to get that child to help.

Taako startled upright, mumbling, “…no chicken!” His mismatched eyes focussed and he instantly played like he was totally unconcerned. “I said shield, dingus. Not magic missile.” He rearranged his braid, swinging it over to mask the telltale shoulder from view. Too late. “Don’cha trust your tutor, kiddo?”

“I wasn’t thinking, sir,” said Angus.

“Clearly.”

“And I–” he blushed. He was mortified and ashamed and he didn’t want Magic Day to end because of this, but he had to tell the truth… “I didn’t obey rule two.”

Rule one: trust your tutor.

Rule two: get enough rest.

Taako heaved a sigh. “Agnes, Agnes, Agnes… Hot on a case, were ya?”

“I thought I had a lead, but it was a warlock trying to lure people in for a cult.” He still didn’t want to look Taako in the eye. “I didn’t realise the time until Ms Killian came to collect me for practice.”

“Rule three as well, huh?” Which was: always have a good breakfast. “That’s technically three rules in one day, boyo. Know what that means?”

Now the tears finally came. Now he couldn’t even look in Taako’s direction. Now he barely had a voice. “…magic day’s cancelled?”

“Hell fuck no, little man. If anything, magic day’s doubled.”

He couldn’t focus, what with the water in his eyes. “Pardon, sir?”

“You need to level up a little. Get yourself some fucking hit points. You almost wiped yourself out with a dumb mistake.”

Angus wiped his eyes and grinned. “Thank you sir…”

“And…” Taako added. “You’re getting a fucking babysitter. You need people to remind you when it’s bedtime. Or breakfast-time, meal-time… Fuck, you need a whole gods-damned schedule.”

Shame still burned him. He could feel his freedom evaporating. “’M sorry, sir.”

“Buddy, it’s you you’re hurting here. I’m just one who’s tryin’a stop that.” Taako made play of inspecting his nails. “Probably everyone else on the base, now, after that stunt. You got yerself a base full’o parents by now.” A moment’s thought passed. “Maybe a gram’ma in the case of Madam Herself. You’ll be able to tell if she makes you sugar cookies. Now. Let’s see how good you are at following rule two. I’m on the roster for making sure you follow rule three as well.”

Angus woke to a luxurious breakfast and no sign of Taako. Waffles. Eggs. Bacon. Non-dairy, all of it. A gooey sweet compote of seasonal fruits. The first of his new, adopted mothers was waiting nearby. Killian.

“I dunno who cooked that for you,” she said, “but they know their shit, so there’s only a few suspects. You eat until you’re full, kid. Then you get some exercise with me, or reading with Davenport.”

That… sounded like his usual plan for the day. The only difference was that he wasn’t alone any more. He always had someone nearby to remind him of the passage of time. Even the three men he most admired.

They weren’t just monitoring him. They were spending time with him. Which was, when he got down to realising that, the most important part.

[AN: Pour les Artistes - Neosemo (an anagram of “someone” in case y’all missed it) is a half-orc teenager and on the scrawny side when Ango adopts the lad, his condition improves thereafter. Before this story, he is poorly groomed and has bad hygiene. This changes hereafter]

Neosemo attempted to keep track. Everyone knew about Luume, and how Elves were crazy, dangerous, and a combination of the two when that time of the decade hit. Miller Labs had come out with little wearable device to warn young Elves, those of irregular cycles, and literally everyone else around them that things were going to venture into interesting times.

It was still a work in progress.

Currently, he was realising that Luume-influenced adoption was way quicker and more effective than the official paperwork kind. Clerics were busy making certain that, as a Halfblood, Professor freaking McDonald’s Luume bonding was as effective as if he were a full Elf.

So far, he had interrupted the procedures three times to make certain Neosemo had adequate food, drink, and comfort. It kind’a seemed like it was pretty fucking effective to him. One of the tests was to forcibly separate Neoseomo from McDonald’s perception and time how long the Professor took before fretting.

Half an hour. Pretty much right on the button for the fresh Luume adoption of a teen.

Neosemo hadn’t had much in the way of friendly contact. He and the gang he had hung out with usually communicated through punching. It was… kind’a shocking to have someone bigger and stronger than him just scoop him up and purr. It was really weird to have someone pet his hair.

Weird… but nice. He could get used to this.

“It’s going to be okay, now. We can stay in the townhouse until we work out stuff. I’m guessing you have friends? Associates?”

Other strays? He shrugged. “There’s some people I hang out with, yeah. They’d pro’lly wanna throw a party.” This was part of Neosemo’s test. See if these fancy people sneered at his grammar and diction.

They didn’t. McDonald smirked like he knew exactly what was up. “I think I know a fresh grandfather who might like to throw a party. Just… be prepared for some drama.”

The nice lady -Agatha- who had at least kept the interesting times in check for the most disturbing day in Neosemo’s life, was now spraining herself attempting not to laugh. Her dark eyes were twinkling. She cleared her throat. “Dear, that’s like telling someone falling into a star to prepare for some heat.”

McDonald giggled a little and echoed, “Dear…” Luume still had him goofy, apparently, about this woman he had set his heart on.

“Focus,” said Agatha. “Step one. Let’s get somewhere safer and make sure everyone has what they need.”

“Papa’s gonna drag me for a year,” said McDonald, “but there’s a Harga’s nearby.”

Agatha said, “I’ll argue safe and familiar environment for you. You’ve been through enough.”

McDonald offered his hand, which Neosemo declined. Luume may be permanent, but trusting these people was not his first instinct.

“I’m cool with following,” he said. “There’s a meal in it.”

There was a steep learning curve. Starting with an interesting definition of ‘family’ from McDonald. The man had the Seven freaking Birds as immediate relatives, and none of them by blood. ‘Papa’ was the Taako, one of the famous Twins.

‘Home’ was an enormous Mountain Ygdrasi tree, shaped into a mansion. They were rich as fuck and actually worked at helping those with less advantages. Taako had free food depots all over Faerun, and anyone with the slightest lick of magical talent wound up in his school.

McDonald, who was Taako’s first rescue, saw absolutely nothing wrong with buying Neosemo a whole bunch of clothes and things, including some survival shit just in case Neosemo decided to run off on his own. 

Not likely. Kids like him prayed to come across a Luume-addled Elf and get a new home. With the Twins in the picture, some of the others might just get a better start anyway.

McDonald may be biologically compelled to nurture Neosemo, but the rest of the family weren’t. Neosemo only knew what he’d seen from the assorted plays he’d been able to sneak into. That sort of thing wasn’t an accurate or a pretty picture.

Harga’s was good. McDonald and Agatha payed for more than the all-you-can-gobble-for-an-hour special. They let Neosemo choose his own clothes, and state his levels of comfort.

It was shocking that McDonald knew what it was like from the adoptee side of things. He told the story of Faerun’s shittiest orphanage, his own rescue, and Taako’s experience with the shittiest corners of life.

It was so hard to believe that they’d been where he lived. That they knew all about fucked-up normals. That they were ready to fight anything that might drag him down. They had strategies.

Neosemo had a new bed. He wore pyjamas after his first family dinner. He knew that people were nearby to protect him.

He could get used to this.

Angus McDonald was small for his age, and proud of himself for qualifying into entrance into the Miller School of Academic Excellence. Taako also offered his own school, but the small boy had already argued that Taako could teach him everything anyway and it would count for extra credits.

Taako thought of it as the wrong school. Not that his was much better with the standing ‘hard knocks’ policy in regards to internal squabbles being solved with duels. Angus, smart though he was, was not emotionally resilient enough to withstand the slings and arrows of outraged fellow students.

Lucas Miller promised an arena focussed on education. Learning how to do things without much in the way of practical use within the halls. A much better environment for a scared and fragile lad like Angus.

He went with a skip in his step and optimism in his heart.

He came home with leaden feet and an ominous return of his former silence.

Taako was worried, but whipped up all his best comfort foods in snack form. It looked like he had lost what little there was of his appetite. “I’d have thought that nerd school would’a been next to heaven for ya,” he said, laying something creamy and sugary in a small bowl in front of his tiny son.

Angus sighed and poked at it with his fork.

“It wasn’t the teachers, I know they’re not stupid. One of the kids there?”

Angus held up four fingers.

“Four of ‘em. I bet it’s over stuff you can’t control, too. Let’s see… they got at you ‘cause you’re small, you’re skinny, and they called you all kinds of names. Am I spot on?”

Angus nodded and made a small ‘more’ gesture.

“They hurt you?” Now he felt like his heart was ready to explode. “Where?”

Angus pointed to his stomach.

“Bet they were all bigger than you, too.”

Nod.

“Not much detective work here. This is the same shit as always. I bet you didn’t want to make trouble.”

Nod.

“Yeah. Thing with trouble is… you gotta make it real good.” Taako smiled. “Don’cha worry, kid. Papa’s got your back. I’ll help you give those little shits more trouble then they’re bargained for. Tonight? I wanna teach you how to use Prestidigitation offensively…”

*

Angus apparently didn’t have anyone nearby as he walked through the gates of Miller School. The four who called themselves the Rough’n’Toughs laughed to each other as they elbowed their neighbours in the group.

As one, they moved to circle around Angus.

“Well, well, well,” cooed Big Jack. “The widdle baby came back…”

“Don’cha know this ain’t a kindergarten, kid?” said Jason. One of those kids who was doomed to be spelled with italics. “You might have an accident in your pants.”

The kids’ lips moved, but no sound came out.

Greasy Dave said, “I think the liddle baby wants his mommy.”

“Wait,” said Darren. Another doomed to permanent italics. “He doesn’t have a mommy.”

Which was the cue for all four of them to push him around within their circle, and chant, “You don’t have a mommy, you don’t have a mommy,” as they did so.

Taako appeared out of nowhere. He had an Orb of Recall in his hand. “Well, this is educational. I’m sure the office and your parents would love to see all of that.” He grinned. “By the way, guys, if you keep this sort of horsehit up, you might meet my main squeeze.” Taako directed their attention towards a figure in a black robe, carrying a scythe.

The Grim Reaper, floating across the ground, raised his blade up and said, “’Ave you lot been naughty boys?”

Of course they freaked and ran away.

Angus didn’t feel better immediately. He felt horrible. “…i couldn’t say anything,” he murmured. “…i couldn’t do anything.”

“Told ya I had your back, Ango,” breezed Taako.

Kravitz returned to his crisp, fleshy form. “I know how it can be when you’re used to bad things. Shutting down… it’s how some people cope.”

“Let’s make sure they can’t go crying to their moms,” said Taako. “Especially since we have evidence and they don’t.”

“…i couldn’t do anything,” murmured Angus.

“That’s okay,” soothed Kravitz. “That’s why we were here, just in case that happened.”

“For the record, I’d’a been cheering my ass off if you kicked their butts, baby.”

That? That made him feel a little better.

[TAZ prompts remaining: 4]

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Angus was starting to get used to the farm. He liked the riding deer and they liked him back, and riding on them was like magic, even when Taako was doing all the steering with Angus perched in front.

It was such a shame that he had to go back for yet another assessment at the orphanage at the end of the month. He didn’t want to dread that day. He wanted to soak in as much Taako time as he could get. Which was why he was wrapped around the Elf in question whilst he talked on his Stone to some people.

Kravitz had left on urgent Reaper business. Taako’s so-far-invisible sister and brother-in-law were doing the same thing. Taako had just been called up for some Bureau business and he was calling around to various babysitting agencies to try and find someone to look after Angus.

Who did not want to let Taako go, at this point.

Finally, Taako sighed and carried them both outdoors to a fallow field. He pointed and touched the sigil on his silver bracer, then sort of danced with Angus in his arms.

“I know. I know. This is scary beans, right now. Listen. I do not want to leave you, okay? This is… this is hero stuff I gotta do. And… since there’s literally nobody I can hire to keep you safe, I gotta take you with me to the next safest place I know.”

Angus saw that Taako had his travel bag with. It looked like it was stuffed to the brim with all sorts of things. A soft toy poked out of one flap, and the rectangular shape in its bulk could easily be a Caleb Cleveland book. Angus deduced that this was not a trip back to the orphanage. Not with that much stuff crammed into the travel bag.

A gigantic sphere landed in the fallow field and Taako threw the travel bag into it, then fussed with the booster seat before he got into a chair by some controls.

“You and me? We’re going to the moon, little man.”

Angus couldn’t reach the travel bag. He could see the giant tree of a house fall away. Then the clouds. One of the moons was getting closer and closer. Taako offered his hand. Angus didn’t know about taking it. He’d already strapped him to a chair that was out of easy reach.

A crater on the moon opened up. Into darkness.

“It’s okay,” said Taako. “It’s safe.”

Pitch black. Angus could smell the rotten blood and foul sewerage stink of the Quiet Room. He felt cold invade his bones. He could feel the slimy mildew under his fingers.

Light shocked him. Angus half expected to see Mr Thud looming over him or Nurse Stronginthearm ready to literally carry him to the next destination. What there really was looked kind of like a city in the sky, all domes and what looked like glass and fancy people in blue. These were the heroes of the BOB. What was once the Bureau of Balance, and was now the Bureau of Benevolence. An organisation of the best of the best who went out and helped with problems all over Faerun.

“Okay. We’re here. I’m gonna pick you up and carry you out, is that okay?”

Angus could barely nod. He could still feel the cold of the Quiet Room. He could still smell its stench. It overpowered Taako’s cologne. Angus was still and quiet all the way to a grassy quad where Taako sat him down. The travel bag was close by, this time, as was Taako.

“I’m right here if you need a hug. Or, if you like, you can just reach out and feel the grass. I packed you everything you could need… all you have to do is look…”

Angus was just about to touch the grass when a pair of businesslike shoes appeared in his field of vision. That was the last straw. He screamed, curling up into a ball and waiting for the bad things to go away.

*

Taako glared up at Luce. This was, as far as he was concerned, another bad mark against a woman he had once trusted like a sister. The sister she had surgically removed from his memories. Sure, he got those memories back, but it was the ten-to twelve years without her memory that still stung. “I sent you a list of things to not do, Lucretia. You just did fucking five of them.”

He could see how her name hurt her, flung like that like a knife from his lips. She backed away. Circling around until she would be in view, but safely distant.

Taako focussed on Angus. Humming a popular tune and rattling his bracelets. Once Angus relaxed a little, Taako brushed the little boy’s skin with the ends of his hair. A golden braid against smooth, dark skin. “There now,” he cooed. “There now. I got the unicorn plush with. You want?”

A bare ghost of a nod. Angus reverted to Utterly Correct Posture. He was in a bad brain space, the poor kid.

Taako handed him the unicorn plush, which Angus faked a smile over and brushed. In a few minutes, the soft fuzz and squishiness would help him actually relax. Taako dug out one of the conditioning muffins and warmed it up with Prestidigitation. Angus liked them when they were warm.

Angus nibbled at it, watching Lucretia with wide, fearful eyes.

“This is Madam Director,” said Taako. “You’d remember her being a lot younger in the Story and Song.”

Madam Director said, “I could put on a red–”

“Shut,” warned Taako, one finger upraised. “She will not hurt you, Angus. She’s going to watch over you and make sure you’re safe. Okay?”

Angus had yet to look her in the face. He was watching her body for any kind of aggressive tell. Having nibbled the top off of the muffin, he was carefully peeling back the paper and nibbling the crumbs off it before he worked on the actual muffin. Eventually, he nodded.

“Okay,” said Taako. He got the Trust Rope out because Angus didn’t always feel safe holding anyone’s hand. “That’s good. I’m gonna trust you to hold one loop here and you’re gonna trust me to lead you somewhere safe, okay? Just like the other times.”

Nod.

“Stand up when you’re ready to go. I’m gonna talk to Madam Director. I’ll be close if you need help.”

Angus just nibbled on his muffin.

Taako got himself up, dusted himself off, and grit his teeth for the next part. He walked as calmly as he could manage over to her, gathering his thoughts. He said, “Remember cycle thirty-two? That little kid who never said a word?”

“Ember,” said Lucretia. Her eyes shed some tears. “I could never forget.”

“Angus is like her. Always get permission, always be gentle. Never lie. No cows’ milk or sesame seeds or anything that’s been near either. I got a bunch of meals in the bag, and one of his favourite books. He likes character voices. You should be able to handle it.”

Angus stood up, still clinging to the plush unicorn, still nibbling on his muffin.

Taako offered one end of the trust rope. “You might have to let something go, pumpkin…”

He surrendered the plush. 

Taako tucked it back into the bag and took up  the other end of the Trust Rope. Letting Lucretia also hold on to his loop. “Okay. Show us the way to the softest safe space you got, Madam Director.”

*

Two meals and a good nap later, Madam Director was still sitting quietly on a bean bag in the Soft Room on the Moon.

Angus knew that Taako disliked her, so he didn’t exactly want to talk at all near her. He had the unicorn plush, and his book, and Taako had packed a lot of meals in the special packs that kept them fresh and warm. There were notes,

So far, Angus had found, I know you don’t believe me, but I never want to leave you without anyone of your own. He had also found, I never wanted to go, and I’m trying as hard as I can to get back to you.

Madam director had the cupcake wrapper that he had nibbled clean, and was folding and re-folding it on the padded floor. She seemed pleased with herself. “There,” she said. The wrapper was now folded into the shape of a peacock. “What do you think?”

Angus shrugged. He made himself comfortable in a corner far away from her and opened his book to where he’d left off.

“Want me to read with you?”

Only Kravitz was allowed to do that. Angus shook his head. There were no clocks in the soft room. Just a big square of a room with colourful walls and lots of padding and cushions and bean bags and fluffy blankets. He just finished an excellent fight scene when a familiar tearing meant that Kravitz had come for him. Angus turned just in time to see the scythe of his office evaporate.

“There’s our little boy,” Kravitz cooed.

Angus didn’t care about the implications of a child preferring the sweet embrace of Death than Madam Director’s company. He just ran for Kravitz because he knew Kravitz was safe.

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Look at what the lovely @lauren-nicole813 did for me. Holy FUCK that was fast!

[Image Description: Four sketches of Taako (or Lup) according to my descriptions in this post. Taako is a plump Elf with freckled skin, deer-like pointed ears, and long hair. Top left shows a head shot Taako with straight hair and bangs, smiling slightly and looking off to the right. Top left shows a portrait of a plump Elf with their tum out, who is looking at a modern phone and wearing a BOB shirt that’s rucked up. Their hair is frizzy and put up in a ponytail and there’s a hint of track pants in the sketch. Bottom left shows the near full-body back of a plump Elf with dappled skin and their hair swept over their right shoulder. The figure is only wearing shorts that have the words “Art Thou Nasty?” across the butt. The artist quit before drawing the feet, which I completely understand because feet are hard. Bottom right is a profile of Taako facing left with his right wrist pressed to his forehead in a dramatic fashion. His hair is in a braid and he’s apparently wearing a T-shirt and a flower crown.]

Lauren promises some “real art” at a later time and I gotta tell you, I am so super excited to see it when it happens.

Bless you. May all your lights be green when you need them to be, and may you always have exact change.

Oooh, I could go on for ages about this. I shall attempt to keep it succinct.

[Obligatory disclaimer: my headcannons are not your headcannons, I do not intend to offend anyone anywhere ever, if you see any of these characters differently, then that’s fine by me]

First up, the big one: There is only one White person in all of TAZ: Balance, and that is John Hunger. Pick a Hollywood Chris™, dye their hair black, and sharpen their features a little. Maybe a touch of grey at the temples, but that’s pretty much it. A black-and-white character with black-and-white views.

The rest is under a cut [apologies to everyone reading this on mobile. I tried not to go on for years, but… I rolled a one] because FUCK, I went on for a millennia down here.

Keep reading

Ango didn’t have very many tells, but by now, Taako knew them all. The stiffly formal posture, the subtle air of trepidation, and, of course, the word ‘sir’ when referring to himself, Krav, or any other male in the immediate vicinity.

Angus was roughed up, and unfamiliar with his surroundings. “…did I do something bad, sir?” he squeaked. His voice was barely a whisper.

“Aw beans, I’m sorry kiddo. You’re gonna be okay.” Breathe. Focus. Tell the truth and don’t pull any goofs. He had to be careful with his goofs with his kid at this stage of things. “This is my fault. I zigged when I should’a zagged. You just stay put…” he got his first aid kit out of his pack. “I’m gonna ask you a few questions, and some of ‘em might seem silly but I need ya to be honest as you can, okay? I got stuff here to patch you up… can I do that?”

Angus nodded.

“To make it fair, you can ask me questions, too.” Taako cleared his throat. “What’s the last thing you remember before wakin’ up on the floor here?”

“…they gave me my birthday cupcake in the cafeteria, sir…”

“Really? Happy birthday. How old are you?”

“…three years old, today, sir… may i ask? …who are you?”

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Taako almost won the fight to keep the wince off his face. “This is gonna be a little bit difficult to take in, kiddo. Uhm. You’re five now. And… Krav -my husband- and I… we… we adopted you.”

Blam. Blank face. Not betraying anything and shutting down completely. Instant disbelief.

Taako struggled to keep a pleasant and calm demeanour. This was just like the early days, when he had to build trust. This made him want to puke. “This is an antiseptic salve, it won’t sting. Can I put it on your scrapes?”

Gods, he could grow to hate that blank-faced nod. Taako focussed intensely on getting all the scrapes and a small aura around them for the unbroken skin that could still sting.

Taako gained permission to add bandages. He had Caleb Cleveland brand bandages of healing in his kit, something that earned a flicker of surprise from Angus. “It looks like you got hit with a memory spell, sweetheart.” Oops, that was the wrong word to say. “I promise I will never hurt you, okay? There’s an inn near here. Big public space, relatively quiet. Want to go there?”

He hardly moved, but that was a nod.

Taako wracked his brains for all the old solutions that had helped in the early days when Ango was afraid of everything. He dug around in his pack and found what he was looking for. The trust rope. A brightly-coloured, short length of rope, turned into loops at both ends. “I gotta keep you close ‘cause I’m supposed to look after ya, right? So… I trust you to hang on to one end of this, and you trust me to…” his voice cracked, briefly. “You trust me to lead you safely where ya wanna go…”

*

The inn was good. Clean and happy, and full of people but not full enough to be too loud for Angus’ liking. There were nice people here. He sat properly and enjoyed the stew that Mr Taako had purchased.

Mr Taako was very upset. Stressed and close to tears. Worried and scared. He’d ordered the stew and a small beer for Angus, but nothing for himself. He was calling people on his Stone of Farspeech. 

Angus listened to the names. Kravitz. Lucretia. Merle. None of these names seemed familiar to him, unless he counted the Story and Song from the weird light. Mr Taako was from that story, but he didn’t seem like the callous hero he had become during that hundred-year journey. Mr Taako trembled and fought off tears. Something bad had to have happened to someone he cared about.

Because of the spell, Angus didn’t count himself in that group.

He sat politely, quietly, like a good boy. Listening to the inn’s bard. Watching as people arrived to look at him. An old male Dwarf with flowers in his beard and a living branch for one arm and a missing eye with an owl on the eyepatch. He spoke gruffly and was kind’a frightening. Angus had to roll a will save to stay exactly where he was. An older human woman who almost dripped gravitas as she sat with Mr Taako and spoke in a quiet voice.

A man in mostly black arrived and Mr Taako launched himself into the other man’s arms, and buried his face into the black-clad man’s shoulder. The gold band shining from this new stranger’s ebony fingers could indicate that this was the husband ‘Kravitz’ whom Mr Taako had spoken of. He confirmed it by kissing Mr Taako’s brow and murmuring, “It’s going to be all right, love. We’ll solve this. Jus’ breathe, darling.”

The older human woman was casting diagnostic spells, weaving patterns of light around Angus’ head. “The good news is, young Mr McDonald will recover in time.”

Mr Taako didn’t move from Mr Kravitz’s arms. “Gimmie the bad news, Luce.”

A deep breath. A long sigh. “He’s going to need familiarity in order to remember. An environment that he remembers, food… people…”

Now Mr Taako moved. Turning away from Mr Kravitz with tears in his eyes and a snarl on his face. “Find. Another. Way. Like fuck am I sending him back into that hell hole.”

That was some real strong emotion. Angus could believe that Mr Taako had seen the orphanage and really didn’t like it. Angus could begin to believe that he could trust Mr Taako.

The older human woman said, “I’ll get the Bureau of Benevolence onto that dark magic cult your son had found. Mr McDonald? May I have your notebook? The clues you have in there would be a great advantage to us.”

Angus stared at her blankly.

“In your satchel, pumpkin. The… the one with the blue cover and the triangles like this,” Mr Taako showed a silver bracer on his left arm that featured four equilateral triangles making a diamond in the middle.

Angus had a satchel, and hadn’t dared to look in it in case it belonged to someone else. He gingerly opened it and found his own name in the inside flap. There was also a starter wand, a copy of a Caleb Cleveland book he never knew existed, a spare sweater, a mini umbrella… and the aforementioned notebook. Which also had his name on it. It had his writing in it, too. Names, addresses, leads and clues. Just like Caleb Cleveland would do.

Nobody was snatching it off him. Nobody was yelling at him to have it. Ms Lucretia was waiting patiently with one hand open, ready to receive it.

Angus passed it over. He summoned the courage to say, “…i hope you find them, ma’am…”

“We will,” said Ms Lucretia. “When we do, we will kick all their asses on your behalf.”

*

The house was a gigantic tree. Elven architecture, which meant that there were no flat walls, no completely level floors, and lots of winding passages between places. There were also a lot of cats who greeted him like an old friend.

“We’re… staying on the ground floor again,” said Mr Taako. “This old house is just like the one my grandfather used to have. Like. Exactly like the one my grandfather… eh, it’s complicated. Long story short, I inherited it via a technicality.” Mr Taako moved into the kitchen like it wanted him in there. It was a huge space, kept warm by the giant Aga stove. Twenty people could have been cooking in there at once and not one of them would bump elbows with another. He got together a bunch of ingredients on a counter and bowls and tools with them. “This is your home, Ango. And I’m cooking up one of your favourites. You can help if you wanna, I–” he sighed. “It’s okay if you don’t wanna.”

Mr Kravitz was looking at Mr Taako like his heart was breaking. “Dove… are you sure? I remember how much this wrecked you the first time…”

“Our boy is worth getting wrecked over,” said Mr Taako. “Again and again and again. I’ll get wrecked until I’m pulp, babe. Look at him and tell me he’s not worth it.”

Mr Kravitz looked at Angus, and did not tell Mr Taako that Angus wasn’t worth it. He said, “So let’s get this show on the road, Dove. I’ll be your happy helper.”

Mr Kravitz did funny voices that made Angus want to giggle in spite of himself. A cat came to sit on Angus’ lap and it demanded pets. Her name was Neopolitan and she was soft and fluffy and so very friendly. She purred really loud and helped Angus feel safe.

It was the smell of baking that brought a sensation of deja vu to Angus. This kitchen wasn’t too big. It was just right. And Taako was trying so hard to be brave about this whole mess. Angus remembered how to pet Neopolitan just so so that she would stretch out on his lap and keep his knees warm and stick her tongue out and drool a little. He’d always thought that was funny.

The taste of Taako’s ginger bread with butter and lashings of honey and cream brought back a vision of Candlenights, after all the presents had been opened. Watching some garbage on the fantasy television. Snuggled up under a big fluffy blanket between Papa and Dad, surrounded by purring and sleepy cats.

“Egg nog,” said Angus, and the memory was gone again.

Papa was pleased all the same. “That’s right, little man. This bread goes fucking fantastic with egg nog. Want me to whip you up some?”

In a snap, he was afraid again. Unfamiliar again. He could almost remember… but it was just out of reach. “…water, please, sir…”

Mr Taako and Mr Kravitz looked… stricken.

“It’s okay to want things,” said Mr Kravitz. “We have lots. We don’t mind.”

Mr Taako said, “I know how you like it… and how to make it so you don’t get troubles.”

Of course he did. Of course he did. They were family now. Family. There had been a huge party and the smallest dog ever and… And he didn’t know where he was. He didn’t know who these people were. He didn’t know why there was a cat on him or how he’d got this slice of… something that smelled like home. Something so familiar and not familiar at the same time and it all made him dizzy…

“Cuddle cote?” said Mr Kravitz.

“Cuddle cote,” decided Mr Taako.

They got permission to move him, and the cat protested softly as she was shifted to a couch. The next thing Angus knew, he was in a huge nest of pillows, blankets and mattresses, with Dad reading his favourite Caleb Cleveland book with his character voices, and Papa was fussing over him and he had a broken purr…

…and he remembered being sick. Really, really sick because their asshole neighbour Susan didn’t believe in vaccinations. But it was almost okay because he got to eat jelly and cream and delicious soups and Papa always made it better with a cooled towel…

…and waking up with nightmares of going back into the urine-soaked, permanently damp, cold, grey orphanage from whence he began. He knew it would be okay because Papa was there. Papa was right there with him and Dad could hold him too and help him feel safe and Papa’s purring would lull him to sleep…

…and the care and artistry that went into Angus’ daily bento boxes. Meat and the special cheese and vegetables and fruit, all arranged into scenes from Caleb Cleveland novels. And a special cupcake tucked away in its own container, with a little note that Papa or Dad had written to be certain he wasn’t lonely at school…

…and a bathtub filled with lemon-scented bubbles. Papa was soaked to the skin and laughing as he tickled Angus with the washcloth. He’d never let Angus fall…

“Papa,” Angus breathed. “Papa… Dad… I’m so sorry I forgot everything…”

His parents lunged, wrapping him up in a hug. Papa’s purr got very loud indeed in that moment, but soon gentled to a soft and soothing parental purr.

“We’re just glad you’re okay, baby,” Papa sighed.

“It’s good to have you back,” said Dad.

It was good to be back. Even with liquid happiness leaking out of his eyes.

Taako was feeling unwell. Brought down by the last vestiges of the moon’s Dire Flu, so Angus McDonald was doing independent study in the Bureau library. In other words, going through whatever magical tome caught his eye and looking for the coolest spells.

He could only do cantrips at the moment, so he was kind-of limited there. Shocking Grasp looked pretty awesome, considering how many bad guys tried to grapple him.

Angus read and re-read the spell. The pronunciation, the hand motions, and the feeling it should induce. He took the borrowed book out to the icosagon where nobody was currently training and tried it out.

Enthusiastically.

The training dummy didn’t give any indication that it was shocked, unfortunately. His hand refused to spark as he did the motions and words.

Then he made the mistake of adjusting his glasses.

Shocking Grasp is a contact spell. Angus temporarily forgot about that.

The next thing he knew, he was staring at the ceiling in the Bureau hospital, next to the only other patient. Taako, you know, from TV. Taako was red-eyed and miserable and sniffly.

Angus was blistered in interesting places. He had been told that he was lucky that he didn’t weld his glasses to his face.

“You look like shit,” Taako croaked.

“Same for you, sir,” rasped Angus.

“The fuck happened to you?”

“Tried learning a cantrip,” he said. “Shocking Grasp.”

“Said th’ word an’ fixed y’r glasses?”

Angus merely blushed.

“This is why you need a tutor,” said Taako. “Goose.”