Lucretia had just turned five when the Event happened. She had a few words that she would use when there were no alternatives, but this was not one of them.
“Mom!”
The twins came running, so did Gramma La’ming, who Lucretia secretly called ‘Gramming’ in her occasional playful moments. Not that she said that out loud. She rarely said anything out loud.
Her extended, adopted family were careful to circle around so she could see who was coming even when all her attention was transfixed on the TV, and the news it contained.
Her adopted mother was on the TV. Slowly approaching some house in suburbia and she had her vest on and her hands empty. Lucretia could read the crawler. She could read all of it.
Hostage situation in lower east end, was the main one. There were also words that zipped by like gunman, and drug bust gone wrong, and possible fatalities. The twins knew what was up.
“You need a hug?” offered Koko.
“You need a Sammich?” said Lulu. It was family shorthand for both twins holding her like comforting brackets.
“Sammich,” she nodded. She didn’t close her eyes as the twins squeezed in, keeping her eyes on the screen for any hint of what her mom was doing. Gramming patted her lightly on the head as if to say, I will be right back with what you need.
In a moment, she heard the dryer going and smelled the special hot chocolate. Therefore, in just a few minutes, there would be warm beverages in all hands and a warm blanket tucked around all three of them.
“Aunt Sno knows her suff,” said Lulu. “She’s gonna be okay.”
The words zipping across the screen said, Armed gunman allegedly high on Bad Dreams, a dangerous new drug on the streets of Neverwinter. Lucretia couldn’t listen to any of the words that the people were saying, no matter how clear their speech nor piercing their voices. Her attention was fixed firmly on the scrolling words and the tiny blue figure in uniform, whenever she turned up in the shaking camera’s view.
She was glas of the hot chocolate and the warmth of the blanket when her mom stepped inside the building.
“She’s got this,” repeated Koko between slurping at marshmallows. “She’s got this sewn up…”
“It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna all be–”
The popping noise sounded clearly above the on-scene commentator. The camera view shattered into a flurry of blurs and incomprehensible movement. The twins had hands over her eyes and over her ears, but it was too late.
Shots had been fired.
Every cop’s kid knew what shots fired could mean.
Lucretia clawed at the twins’ hands, screaming, “No, no, no,” over and over. She was screaming. The twins were screaming. Gramming was screaming. Even Aunt Mak’arune was screaming. They were all so loud that the Pithons came down from upstairs, one of the Montlings in their arms, to see what the ruckus was.
They let Lucretia hold the baby instead of the hot chocolate. Something about a small and helpless being in her arms provided an oasis in a sea of emotions. The TV was showing the house, at an even worse distance than previously. The words, Shots fired! crawled across the screen. Endlessly.
Some more people in uniform rushed in. There was no sign of anyone for too long. Koko’s hair had frizzed right up out of stress and Lulu’s wasn’t far behind. Lucretia knew, without a doubt, that if it wasn’t for the little Montling in her arms, she would be a total wreck.
Then, like a miracle, a blue figure in uniform walked out. There was a human-sized bag on a stretcher, and some other people with blankets around them.
Lucretia paid all her attention to the blue figure with blue hair. “Mommy… mom…”
“She’s okay,” Lulu cheered. “She’s okay, she’s all right!”
Someone - probably Uncle Avi - leaped on her from amongst the wall of uniforms keeping the public at bay, landing in a hug.
Mom gave him a noogie and shoved him away in the way that she always did for Uncle Avi.
Then they cut away to a Porky Pig cartoon.
It was over. Mom was okay.
When Mom came home, she was mobbed by family. Lucretia wrapped herself around her legs, and the twins only added to that burden. Gramming and Aunty Mak’arune all but tackled her in the doorway. There were a lot of tears.
The news, much cut down to a five-minute segment about drug violence in Neverwinter, had everything boiled down to the essentials. It held no horrors for Lucretia. Not any more.
Mom held her on her lap, that night, feeding Lucretia because she wouldn’t let go. Just like it had been for the first couple of days in Mom’s care.
Mom kept holding her, kept kissing her forehead, kept purring, and kept saying, “It’s going to be okay. The Chief has seen to it that I shouldn’t be in that much trouble any more. We’re going to be okay.”
Tomorrow, she might believe it.
Two days after that, she learned that there had been a kid at the scene. A tiny scrap of a boy who had also run afoul of the Foster system and had been found in a literal doghouse after all the news cameras lost interest.
His name was Magnus, and Mom was pulling some strings to have him fostered with Uncles Avi and Johaan.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 8]
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Sometimes… it’s good to get away from the kids. Kustaad, La’ming Ton, Mak’arune, and Montgomery Pithon were glad enough to leave the twins with Kri with Tri’fel and Exandria as the grownups took a break from their combined shenanigans in the Varmvale Inn.
Montgomery was enjoying things slightly less, since he was used to parenting two of the remaining three whilst they were on the road. It took him a good percentage of the evening to get drunk enough to relax.
Kustaad, on the other hand, was well into his cups. It took a lot to get an Elf drunk, and the Varmvale ale was thick and strong and potent as hell. “Tha’ li’l Koko,” he rambled. “He’s goin’ be trouble.”
“I know he’s a rough diamond,” said Mak’arune, who could not hold her ale. “But he’s… he’s real sweet. Th’ poor boy’s been through lots… Lots ‘n’ lots ‘n’ lots ‘n’ lots….”
La’ming took the tankard out of Mak’arune’s fingers. “I’m pretty sure you’ve had enough, there, dear.”
“I think,” said Kustaad. “I think… I think… I think I’m starting to think… That poor li’l boy might… just be sweet on me a li’l.”
Montgomery was glad he couldn’t roll his eyes. Everyone in the circus knew that Koko was fully occupied with pining for Kustaad. Happily married Kustaad. Old enough to literally be his father Kustaad. Also ripped, more than a little bit of a nerd, and thoroughly beautiful even for an Elf.
“I think you might be right,” he announced. “You’re kind of his type.”
“I’m also… approaching… Threehunnerd an’ fi’tty…” Kustaad belched. “I gotta… I gotta… uh… I gotta baby… tha’ss closer to his age’n I am.”
La’ming chuckled. “Babies always gotta get crushes onna grownups,” she said. “I remember this one time? In Freeport? I was only a hundred and thirty, but that didn’t matter… This li’l fifty-year-old squirt tries to sneak into my tent after th’ show…”
Mak’arune latched on to Montgomery’s arm. “Y’r th’ bess’ boss inna wholewide worl’… di’joo-di’joo-di’joo-di’jooo… know that?”
“You’re very drunk,” said Montgomery.
“…didn’t notice until I was halfway outta my costume, y’aw’msayin…”
Mak’arune’s eyes began to mist over. “Are you mad at me?”
“I’ll be less mad if I have my arm back, thankyou,” he allowed. I’ll be really mad at you tomorrow, when you can appreciate it. To add to the freedom, he gently tipped Mak’arune towards La’ming.
“…so there I am in tights and skimpy little panties, my bra half off… More’n half off if you get my drift… And he pops outta the clothes basket like, ‘tah-dah! You gotta love me’… so o’ course I– Hey!”
“Y’re ver’ preddy,” said Mak’arune.
“You’re kind’a adorbs yourself,” slurred La’ming.
The worst thing about tonight, Montgomery reflected, was that none of these Elves would remember any kind of progress they might make tonight.
Damn it.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7]
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Another village, another attempt at keeping the Bail Fund intact for another fortnight. This time, at least, La’ming Ton was there to help keep the twins in rein.
Allegedly.
“I’ll have your strongest ale,” said Koko.
“He’s having a mild cider shandy[1],” said La’ming. She wheeled to face Lulu, “And so are you, young miss.”
Lulu switched to Street Elven, “These are Humanmen, they can’t possibly know.”
“Elves already have a reputation for being duplicitous, deceptive lawbreakers. The last thing we need to enforce that reputation. So you two under-age Elves are drinking shandies. End of.”
The twins grumbled, but suffered to drink shandies.
Raucous laughter erupted from a card table across the inn.
“That’s what I like to see,” roared the most obnoxious one. “Tame Elves.”
One of his lieutenants laughed even louder and said, “Rather see ‘em hangin’ in a ‘pothecary to dry!”
“Hey, hey. Careful. They can hear us,” said another lieutenant. “With ears like that, they can hear your hand!”
The twins were growling under their breaths. La’ming, with her ears docked and her disguise on, rested a hand on one each of theirs. “Okay,” she said in Street Elven, “Now is the time we run the kind of scam where we let them walk home in their breechclouts.”
The twins turned to assess the quartet of boozy card players. “We have three… We could run the Winterheim Two-step.”
“I was thinking of the Passholdt Handshake.”
“How about somewhere in-between? The Goldcliff Warm Welcome.”
The twins grinned like sharks. “Goldcliff. I like it.”
La’ming sighed. “I don’t know whether it’s more disturbing that I know what all those are… or that you do.”
The game, known to hustlers as the Goldcliff Warm Welcome, was also known as skin the guys who are going to learn better. It began with La’ming airing a little more cleavage and hiking up more than a mere corner of her skirt.
The twins insisted on speaking only in Gutter Elven, a language that La’ming insisted was their twin talk. She also gave them the story that the twins were found wild and didn’t understand Common. A ‘fact’ that emboldened the Humanman quartet to be louder and more boisterous than they had been before.
It took only a few hours to rid them of every coin they had on them, all their jewelry, every single weapon in their possession, and most of their clothing. They were also getting the message but, as Koko and Lulu gathered up the spoils, Koko had to twist the knife.
“Just so you know,” he said to their astonished and gaping faces. “It’s really bad luck to insult an Elf.”
La’ming hurried them out of there and back to the safety of the Circus campgrounds. Haul and all. There, she made the twins vow that they wouldn’t leave the grounds until the Circus left with them.
Three weeks later, when they left for another town, La’ming noticed that her savings jar was a lot more full than she knew it had been a mere week ago. Of course she confronted her adopted kids the instant she found it.
“Did you two have anything to do with the extra coin in my restoration fund?”
“Depends,” said Koko. “Are you mad about it?”
Lulu elbowed him. Hissed a stop-talking noise with some urgency.
La’ming took a breath. Parenting these two was a constant negotiation. “I’d only be mad if you took any risks. Like going into the town when I told you it was dangerous. Especially going into the town without an escort to make sure you’re,” not arrested, “safe.”
“We never left the circus grounds,” said Lulu truthfully.
“We gave all that stuff we skinned off’a those dudes to Monty so he could hock ‘em for us,” added Koko. “And we put all of it into your jar.”
“No Elf should have their ears docked,” said Lulu. “It’s painful and limits expression and…” her voice fell to a mumble, “…’n’ I read of how it can cause problems in y’r dome piece…”
They could have blown all that coin on fashion, luxuries, ingredients, or even treats for themselves. They could have wasted it on potions and pipeweed. “You… really put all that profit into my restoration fund?”
The twins looked at each other, and joined hands. “Every last copper,” they said together.
She swept them up in her arms and smooched the heck out of their adorable little faces. “Thank you, thank you. I’ve got the best babies in the world.”
“Stop it…” whined Koko without much conviction.
“You’re embarrassing,“ added Lulu without any honesty.
[1] Shandy: mixing small amounts of alcohol with large amounts of lemonade or sweetened soda water.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]
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Still Tumbl'd, Still TAZ - Chapter 95 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]
In this chapter: Luume shenanigans on the Starblaster.
TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6
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Random joke magic items
Here’s a list of random joke items to use for fun in your campaign. I’d recommend adding them to treasure hoards rather than subbing normal items for them.
Anyway here they are:1. Ace of Spades - An ace of spades from a standard card deck. No matter where you store it on your body, you will always be able to find it in your right sleeve afterwards.
2. Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot - This amulet allows you to gain the benefit from two magical amulets rather than one. It cannot be further enchanted.
3. Amulet of Feather Fall - When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.
4. Amulet of Unbreaking Bones - Con-man says you can’t break any bones. Really, he means other’s bones. -100% damage against skeletons.
5. Amulet of weather detection - yells that it is or is not raining.
6. Anti-Matches - A box of matches. Striking one will make it begin to drip water from the tip while the match shrivels away. The amount of water a match releases is about enough to fill a tablespoon.
7. Arrow of Euarere - A silver arrow, suspended on a string. It always points to the person holding the string.
8. Arrow of Slaying, The - This magical arrow is capable of killing a creature.
9. Artist’s Bludgeon, The - Inanimate objects hit with this bludgeon will receive no damage; they will however change color.
10. Attentive Guardsman’s Pike - These ornate and deadly-looking ceremonial pikes are reach weapons and appear to weigh at least 20 lbs, not counting the weight of the fluttering banners that can be unfurled for parade use. Constructed of shadowstuff, they weigh one pound, and inflict only a single point of damage on an attack, being almost entirely for show, although they also have the unique property of remaining in place when set (although unable to support more than 20 lbs), allowing a ‘resting his eyes’ guardsman to prop it up and leave it standing under its own power, while his hand sags off of it.
11. Attentive Guardsman’s Tabard - A dozen of these tabards were fashioned for palace guardsmen in the Empire of Sard, 250 miles from the nearest enemy. The bearer is placed under a glamour that causes him to appear alert and awake, even if his eyes are closed and he is snoring lightly.
12. Axe of Big Numbers - This axe shouts “Big numbers baby, come on!” whenever it is swung, but always deals 1 damage or less.
13. Axe of Empathy - Every time you hit something with this +5 greataxe, you get dealt an equal amount of damage. Both you and the thing you hit are then healed the amount of damage dealt by the axe, even if either are dead. The Axe hopes you have learned your lesson.
14. Axe of Pain - The axe is always moaning and groaning with pain.
15. Bag of Faerie Gold - This sack appears to be full of gold coins and jewels. When one attempts to spend them, however, the glamour on them soon vanishes, revealing them to be nothing but leaves and pebbles. Obviously, most shopkeepers will not be happy about this, and no amount of ‘we didn’t know, I swear!’ will change their mind.
16. Bag of Holding - This item functions as a normal backpack, however when attempting to retrieve an item, a calm female voice tells them there is a wait time of 4d10 minutes before they can retrieve their item (actual time is stated time plus 6d6 additional minutes). During this wait, the bag plays either annoying muzak or advertisements for the bag’s creator’s other products/services. Upon attempting to retrieve an item, there is a chance that the wrong item is retrieved, or that the intended item is simply missing. Obtaining the original item requires an additional 4d10+6d6 minutes and has only a 5% chance of success.
17. Bag of Trading - You can take one thing out of the bag for each object you put in the bag. However, you have no control over what you get, and there are no trade-backs. Past research seems to imply there’s some sort of correlation to what gets you what, but it’s extremely convoluted and far from understood.
18. Bag of Trick - This bag operates like a Bag of Tricks, except it only works once a week and produces a rat each time it is used.
19. Bag of Unholding - Quite a large backpack but even the smallest item doesn’t fit.
20. Bagpipe of Stealth - Grants the user invisibility as long as it is being played.
21. Ball of Eyes - A snow-globe filled with miniature eyeballs. When shaken, it grants the user a blurry, jittery vision of some future event.
22. Banana Walkie-Talkies - There exist two, and only two, of these items in the world. One of which is possessed by a cranky and lonely half-orc. It appears to be an innocuous wooden banana with a coat of faded yellow paint. When an end (doesn’t matter which one) is placed against your ear, you can hear a ringing followed by a click and a half-orc yelling at you for waking him up at this ungodly hour. If you drop the banana or “hang up,” the call ends. If you stay and listen, the half-orc will yell at you, call out obscenities, and start going on about his daily problems and mishaps in his love life. Every so often (2% chance/day), the banana will ring while you are sleeping and the half-orc will want to talk to you about his problems.
23. Barrel of Holding - This large wooden barrel measuring √(12/π) feet in diameter and 5 feet in height can hold up to 15 cubic feet of matter.
24. Beam Sword of Severed Nerves - A beam sword. It cannot cut anything but nerve strings. Will pass through any other material leaving no harm.
25. Belt of Pants - This belt creates illusory pants on the wearer. The wearer can suppress the illusion at will
26. Belt of Tightening - Every time you put this belt on, all of your clothes permanently shrink a fraction of a millimeter. The effect is compound.
27. Belt of Unbathed Breath - When worn around the waist, allows the user to breathe underwater. Does not function when wet.
28. Boogie Skeleton - This pile of bones is small, such as one that might be obtained from a bird or a toad, though it can look as though it came from any creature. When a song is sung or played in the vicinity of the skeleton, it begins to dance appropriately. As soon as the music stops, it collapses into the pile of bones again. The skeleton, when dancing, can be no larger than Diminutive.
29. Book of Canon - A book that automatically transforms into a copy of the sacred text of any religion, translated into the language the user is most familiar with.
30. Book of Confusion - The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time. The book is a bad novel about zombies.
31. Book of Curses - When opened, the book verbally berates anyone in the immediate vicinity, calling into question their combat ability, intellect, personal hygiene, lineage and profession of their mothers, and other delightful insults. Once closed the book continues shouting (although it is muffled) until placed inside a bag or some other similar container for 1d4+1 minutes and ignored. Replying to the book in any other way causes the insults to get louder and more childish the more time you spend replying to it.
32. Book of Exalted Deeds - Contains a listing of some of the finest houses ever sold and the specifics of the titles to the properties.
33. Boots of Blinding Speed - The wearer’s speed is doubled, and they are blinded.
34. Boots of Levitation - These boots levitate a few inches off the ground when not worn.
35. Boots of Stylishness - Knee high black boots that are always clean and shiny. They never take in water, thus feet are always dry.
36. Boots of Teleportation - Allows the player to teleport wherever they like, but don’t carry the wearer with them when activated; the boots teleport just fine, though.
37. Boots of Walking - The wearer of the boots cannot run, nor can he take a double move action, and takes a -5 to Tumble checks. These boots are made for walkin’, and that’s just what they’ll do.
38. Bottle of Air - It’s a bottle. Full of air. Congratulations.
39. Bottomless Beer Mug - Any liquid poured into this mug treats the bottom as incorporeal, but solid objects don’t.
40. Bowl of Comfortable Warmth - Any liquid in the bowl will feel comfortably warm, so icy cold water will feel like it’s a bit over room temperature. Do note, however, that it’s still icy cold water, it just feels warmer.
50. Breastplate of Secret Detection - If the wearer of this breastplate gains a piece of information that is somehow connected to the concealment of a hidden conspiracy or plot, a live and still wet red herring forms on the inside of the armor.
51. Bullying Gloves - At random intervals, these gloves instil the wearer with a near-irresistible urge to hit themselves.
52. Bunyan’s Belt - When worn, causes an enormous, bushy black beard to appear on the wearer’s face.
53. Cape of Resistance - When this item is placed on any living thing it somehow manages to fall off, untie itself, slip past the owner’s neck entirely, or otherwise avoid being worn.
54. Case of the Litigator - Translates any document placed in the case into legal jargon; non-reversible. Does not confer the ability to understand legal jargon.
55. Cat of Schrodinger - When this cat is not being observed in any way it is both dead and alive. When something observes it, it suddenly becomes either dead or alive with a 50% chance of either.
56. Chair of Steadiness - This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.
57. Charles - This small, unremarkable figurine of a gnome refuses to be called anything but Charles. No other name will leave the lips of the speaker. It has no other powers.
58. Chime of Interruption - This instrument can be struck once every round, which takes a standard action. On any round the chime is activated the user may ready one action without spending an action to do so.
59. Chime of Opening - Commonly affixed to or near doors, when pressed it emits a sound on the interior of the owner’s home to let them know guests have arrived.
60. Chime of Opening (Alternate) - When struck against a solid surface, this chime emits a loud click, and opens along its length, to reveal a tiny compartment adequate to conceal a single ‘smoke’ worth of pipeweed or a blowgun needle. When the compartment is closed, it is seamless and can be detected only with a DC 20 Search check. If hit with an instrument such as a small mallet, it chimes.
61. Cloak of Billowing - This black and silver cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.
62. Cloak of Displacement, Minor - This item appears to be a normal cloak, but when worn by a character its magical properties distort and warp reality. When any attack is made against the wearer the cloak has a 20% chance of falling off, no matter how it is secured.
63. Compacting hammer - The force imparted by it is multiplied, but is spread around the surface of a struck object facing inward.
64. Cymbal of Symbols - This musical instrument enables the user to comprehend dead languages, but only while they are deafened by noise.
65. Dagger of Told Secrets - A simple-looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper your most embarrassing secret to that person.
66. Dagger of unnatural sharpness - The blade is exceptionally sharp to your touch. It confers no combat bonuses but can be used as a normal dagger for fighting or crafting, but the user seems to always cut himself in minor ways when using it.
67. Dagger of Untold Secrets - A simple looking dagger. If used to backstab someone to death, it will whisper the most embarrassing secret of that person to you.
68. Decanter of Endless Sorrow - A pewter flask that produces limitless alcohol when held to their lips by someone who is troubled. It gets them drunk but they never feel any better.
69. Diadem of Brothaurity - When wearing this headpiece, you are as elegant and well-spoken as a famous diplomat or regent, but you can’t stop calling everyone bro.
70. Enchanted Book of Collected Stories - Opening this will cause miniature creatures/people to pour out and perform a chapter from the book much like a theater.
71. Focusing Ring - The digit on which this ring is worn can be viewed in extremely high definition from a great distance.
72. Gloves of Tinkering - Wearing the gloves will make you able to almost repair any broken item. However, you will always end up with pieces from the item that don’t seem to fit anywhere.
73. Glowing sword of orc detection - When it gets orc blood on it the sword glows.
74. Good Luck ring - Gives your enemies good luck!
75. Greater Staff of Random Summoning - Summons a random creature at a random place. You could be summoning a giant Ogre on the other side of the globe for all you know.
76. Helm of Awareness, The - The wearer is acutely aware of the fact that they are wearing this helmet and that it has a magical effect. - All you need to do to make this work as a DM is frequently remind the player that the helm is magical while they are wearing it but be evasive about exactly what it does.
77. Hoarder’s Wand - Does nothing but for some reason you think it might be important later in your quest.
78. Hood of Offensive Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others to the appearance of the person they most personally dislike.
79. Hood Of Worrisome Facades - This hood will change your identity in the eyes of others, however the identity used will be random.
80. Indestructible Notebook of Memories - This otherwise normal notepad of normal notepad size cannot be damaged or destroyed, and anything written in it cannot be obscured or defaced. It also has unlimited pages despite its finite size. However, the data it holds only lasts as long as the writer independently remembers it, and decays in exact proportion to the relevant memories. Remember who and when, but not where? Then the words describing the location in that particular entry are the only ones gone.
81. Intransigent Rod - When the button on this artifact is pressed in, the holder’s opinions solidify and they become impossible to convince.
82. Key to anywhere - opens any door into a closet with a water bucket that falls and hits the player’s head. Inside this closet is the treasure of true adventurers. If opened with a key, it opens a closet…
83. Lunch Box of Delicious Unfulfillment - This lunch box will hold whatever food you desire. However you will never get full and the food will deliver no nourishment.
84. Mask of Concealment - Hides the wearer’s face and conceals everything from them by blocking their eyes! Bonus points for requiring a strength check or a time limit to expire to be removed.
85. Mattress of Poverty, The - No matter how you fluff this gorgeous, thick, mattress, you will always sleep on the thin part of it.
86. Mug O’ Dissatisfaction - A mug that always produces a steaming hot cup of coffee or tea when tapped on the bottom. It conjures the opposite of what the tapper prefers, so if you like tea you get coffee and vice versa. Handing the full mug to another person will make the drink in it transform to the opposite of that person’s preferences.
87. Murder Dagger - All damage it would deal is instead replaced by the target being harassed by crows for that many hours.
88. Needle Of Learned Compromise - This needle will create beautiful tattoos of any design, however they hurt a tiny bit more. When used to sew it is entirely normal.
89. Portable Dark Tavern Corner - Consisting of two wooden boards connected by a hinge, this artifact draws those nearby into assuming it is a perfect spot to conduct seedy business.
90. Potion of fire breathing - For the length of time that the potion is in effect, every breath out is on fire, whether you want it to be or not.
91. Potion of Quelchment - Cures thirst when consumed
92. Ring of Fire Detection - becomes warm when placed into Fire.
93. Ring of First Impression - Wearing the ring will make you able to perform a perfect handshake with the hand wearing it.
94. Ring of Stoneskin - Turns your skin, muscles, and organs into stone! Character is now a stationary statue. Can’t be reversed until someone takes the ring off.
95. Rope of Entanglement - Becomes entangled when left in a pack
96. Sack of Hive Eggs - Crushing one of the numerous tiny eggs will cause the thoughts of everybody in the proximity to merge. Everybody can hear what you think and you can hear everybody.
97. Shirt of fire protection - this shirt is sopping wet.
98. Shoes of the Restless Traveler - These shoes allow their user to run for miles without feeling fatigue, but if they try to do anything else with it (walk, sit down, jump), they will instantly trip
99. Sword of Parrying - Parries every attack, swinging it yourself will force it to “parry” your opponent’s weapon/attack even though he/she/it is defenseless.
100. Torch of Night Vision - grants bearer Night Vision while lit.
101. Vorpal Grindstone - It can “sharpen” any object to become vorpal. Any object.
102. Wand of command - Lets your character be controlled after saying the command word!
103. Wand of Create Wand of Create Wand - Creates a Wand of Create Wand. Consumes original Wand.
104. Wand of Pigeon Summoning - summons 1d20 pigeons everyday. On a 20 it breaks and summons a giant pigeon god (can be the size of Godzilla or like 5 pigeons.) Giant pigeon god should be in the mid 20s for CR, but is uninterested in attacking, and will simply fly away when summoned.
105. Water Hat, The - A small red hat, when worn, causes water to pour from the wearer’s fingers at the speed and pressure of a kitchen faucet at half power.
106. Wineskin of the Eternal Primary - This wineskin never runs out of water, but even the tiniest sip makes you have to go potty, like, super bad. Right now.
(Source: mothmansjuicymetalass, via sapphireswimming)
The longer Alter-Sno remained on the moon, the worse she seemed to be. Her mood just kept on dropping to the point where there was a guard set up around the edges of the moon. Not that it was needed, she seemed determined to remain alive no matter how much hell she had to go through to do it.
Taako couldn’t fathom how she could be so bummed out. He had never needed anyone or anything, and failed to see how anyone else could need more. However, he could feel the sadness oozing off of her like a chill, cloying fog. Such as right now.
He didn’t even know she was passing behind him until the gooseflesh overtook his entire body despite the footie pyjamas, the shawl, and the hooded cloak he was wearing against the morning.
“Brrr… I dunno about you guys, but she is bumming me out.”
“Yeah, that’s a definite cloud of doom she’s got, there.”
“We should do something,” said Magnus.
“Naaaah,” said Merle, “Put three drops of Dreamroot extract into her ‘lion and she’ll be fine. Right as rain.”
Taako glared at him. “Just one question,” he said. “What the FUCK?”
“I have the same question,” said Madam Director, apparently manifesting spontaneously behind Merle. “You don’t mix Dreamroot and smoking weeds, Merle.”
“Well, maybe you don’t,” Merle began.
Taako tuned out of the incipient argument. Things were headed down the tube, for sure. The only question was how deep and how fast.
*
Merle sat down beside Alter-Sno as she stared up at the stars. “Thoughts of home?”
Tears remained unshed in her eyes. “Yeah. My baby’s waiting for me. I dunno how much time is passing back home. She’s gotta be so worried… I promised her… I promised…”
“Here,” he offered a rolled-up cigarette paper that was lumpish in odd places and smelled… familiar. “Smokee this, you’ll feel better.”
She knew that stink, and tried not to inhale very much. “You shove that in my face again, I’ll shove your entire arm up your own asshole.”
“Oh… kay…” Merle quickly made the joint vanish. “I’ll keep it handy in case you need it.”
*
Magnus had thought hard about this. Obviously getting her a puppy was a bad idea. Dogs wouldn’t remain on the moon. Giving her a puppy that would only run right off the dang thing would not help her overall mood.
He had spent quite a lot of time working on this. The creature inside the travel cage just had to make her smile.
“Hey,” he said. “I know this isn’t your kid, but… it’s company.”
She lifted the cloth. “It’s a pigeon.”
“It’s a homing pigeon,” said Magnus. “It won’t take fall damage if it wanders off the moon and it’ll always come back to you.”
Sno stared at him. It was a look Magnus was used to. It was a Look that said, he can’t possibly be as dumb as he seems right now. She said, “Thanks… I think.”
The pigeon just cooed and rolled ones at comprehending the world.
*
Taako launched straight into his thoughts the instant Alter-Sno opened the door. “So I can’t give you the baby of the base, right. He’s like annoyingly smart and shit. He’d come up with fifteen different reasons why it’s illegal. So I didn’t bother.” He swanned into her apartment. “Then I thought - food basket? But I have no fuckin’ idea about your favourites, so that’d be a wash. Then - a stroke of genius.” He started making tea.
“Genius,” echoed Alter-Sno.
“Yeah. See. You know a younger version of me, and you’re… so very worried about how my other self turned out. So I’m gonna tell you my backstory. Any step forward from where I wound up is bound to raise your spirits about my other self.”
Alter-Sno fussed with giving some seeds to a pigeon. “You figured that out, huh?”
Taako poured some tea. “So let’s start at age three. The genetic donor responsible for fathering me was a superstitious shit and took my heterochromia as a sure sign that I was both bad luck and demon-made. He and Mom fought a hell of a lot before her an off…”
Considering what she knew of her Koko’s past, there were a few key points in common. Absentee father who suffered under the burdens of superstition and immaturity, a mother who died too young, some portion of life with relatives, some of whom were assholes. And, as she listened, a lot more of life on the streets.
Taako had nobody and nothing, and he still managed to become something of a hero. The Koko she knew had a much better foothold on a better future.
The Koko she knew had a sister. He had a family who cared. He had an education. He was… he was doing okay. Further, he would be there to help Lucretia when Sno couldn’t return home.
For the first time, she was starting to feel like things could be okay.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6]
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Still Tumbl'd, Still TAZ - Chapter 93 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]
In this chapter - there’s Sno place like home…
TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7
It had taken Angus an entire year to talk freely to his dads. When he did, he expressed his worries about his one friend in the entire, dingy, dismal, depressing grey coldhouse that was the orphanage.
Her name was Agatha Tremaine and she was maybe a year older than him. She smuggled the outdoors inside for Angus, much to the horror of the nurses and the consternation of Mr Thud. They never could prove that she was the source of dandelion flowers, stick insects, or grasshoppers that managed to turn up in Angus McDonald’s presence and he never ratted her out, no matter how much time they made him sit in the Quiet Room.
This caused Papa some immediate concern, and the rest of the family some Stone calls. There were a lot of Stone calls.
There were more than a few moments when Angus feared he had done something wrong. A feeling that was quickly dispelled by one or more of his new family scooping him up into a reassuring hug.
Then came the Trip.
Papa and Dad and Aunty Lup and Uncle Barry all piled into the cart with him and Garyl took them on a whirlwind trip. But they weren’t taking a trip to Neverwinter.
Angus fought past his elective muteness. “Sirs. This isn’t the way to the orphanage…” He pointed the way they should have been going. “We’re headed the wrong way.”
“Right and wrong, baby,” said Papa. He wrapped an arm and part of hus ruiana around Angus. “Yes, this is not the way to the orphanage. But no, we are not headed the wrong way.”
“This is the way to the Aunties Fangbattles’ place…” said Angus.
“Correct again, little buddy,” said Dad.
“You said we were going to see Agatha.” Just like that, the pieces slotted into a bigger picture. “Did Agatha get adopted by my Aunties?”
Uncle Barry handed Aunty Lup five gold. She laughed and said, “I knew you were a smart little cookie, kiddo. You got it in one.”
The Aunties Fangbattle - also known as Team Sweet Flips - had a little country cottage with a neat little garden that always seemed to be full of flowers. Angus liked the times he got to stay with them because he could help out with the chickens and play with the butterflies and birds that were too bold to fly away from his careful touch. They always had warm bread or a gooey sweet pie fresh out of the oven.
This time, the cottage looked quiet and still. Even the birds refused to coo or call from the branches of the fruit trees. No butterflies spread their wings in the sunshine. Therefore he feared knocking on the door.
Dad did it instead.
Aunt Killian opened the door. “Oh great. You’re here.” She turned and called, “Agatha…”
There she was. Hiding under the table and clinging to furniture legs like a prisoner at the bars.
Angus was over there before he could blink. “Hey, remember me?”
Her dark eyes were fearful. “Angus? They said you died.”
He knew who ‘they’ were. The bigger kids. The mean ones. “You know they lie.”
She crawled out to hold him, and this was the first time Angus remembered being bigger than her. “I’m glad you’re alive.”
“I’m glad you got a family,” said Angus.
“Are you kidding?” she whispered, “That’s an Orc and a Dragonborn. They’d eat me if I fatten up…”
Angus detected the not-so-subtle influence of Them again. He joined her under the table and had a hushed conversation while the grownups talked grownup things literally over their heads.
“They’re careful with you, aren’t they?” he asked. “They’re not rough or mean.”
She had to agree.
“They’re kind, right? They try to make things right by you.”
Another nod.
“They keep making better food so you can have enough to eat?”
“They wanna fatten me up…”
Angus had to think his way around that one. “You know… if you’re strong, you can run off if they start measuring you for a basting pan.”
She snorted at that one. “I gotta admit their pies smell delicious.”
“So have some, pumpkin,” Papa had a small plate with a slice of rich, glistening pie and a fork. “This one’s one of my recipes, so you know it’s great.”
“Yeah, and it’s my herb and spice mix that makes it even better,” said Aunt Carey.
“Excuse your scaley ass, it’s the gravy recipe I got from my mother,” objected Aunt Killian.
Angus giggled. “Anyway. If they’re going to eat any kids, they’d be after my marbled flesh, not yours.”
Agatha relented, and started to eat without fear.
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[AN: Oh, I could kill y’all with so much angst on this, but nah. We can pretend that Elven biology actually accommodates the horseshit I put into the preamble of Warp and Weft. Let’s go with that.]
Five Months After Story and Song (ASS)…
Taako was wiped the fuck out. This business of his was exhausting. Worse than exhausting. All he ever wanted to do was sleep.
Unfortunately, one of the chucklefucks he’d spent an entire century with and then some, was attempting to batter down the door.
“Taako,” bellowed Magnuts. “Come on, we got a mish!”
“Open up, glamour boy.” Oh shit, it was the alleged cleric.
Taako fought the gravity well of the couch. It would be so much easier if he could use magic, right now. “Fuck off,” he hollered, barely hauling himself up into a sitting position. “Your glass cannon’s out of fucking order.”
Now both of them were using all available fists to thunder on the door. “Taako, stop dicking around!”
Taako growled and levered himself up from the couch. These assholes wouldn’t take ‘fuck off’ for an answer. He shuffled up to the door and opened it between peals of fist-driven thunder. “Your glass cannon,” he repeated, “is out of fucking order.”
“WOAH!”
“Holy shit, you’re pregnant?” Magnuts reached for the bump, but stopped when Taako took a step back.
“Yeeah keep your grubby paws off the alleged precious cargo, there, bullmoose. I’m off adventuring for seven more months and prob’ly more than that. You know pregnant Elves shouldn’t do magic.”
“But… you’re a dude, dude!”
“Yeah, not all dude. It happens with Elves. Not so much with Humanmen.” He didn’t exactly let them in, just shuffled away from the door towards the most convenient privy because getting up meant he needed to pee.
The little nugget within decided to help add pressure on his bladder by dancing on it. On one hand, painful. On the other, sort’a helpful in a way.
When he got back to his nest, Magnuts had some reheated nutritious treats and Merle had some pungent tea.
“I know. It smells like ass,” Merle began.
“Your ass. After an arbour ardour sesh,” said Taako.
“Think of it like medicine,” said Magnus. “You need your natal vitamins.”
Taako growled audibly this time, ears flicking right back. “You’re almost as bad as my actual family.” By which he included Lup, Barold, and Krav. “All three of them are on my nuts twenty-four sev.”
“Looks to me like someone was on more than your nuts,” said Magnus.
Merle waited until Taako was trapped in a chair before he urged a cup of the tea on him. “Drink the ass tea or I’ll tell you all about my sordid affair with a philodendron.”
That fuckin’ worked. Taako shuddered at the aftertaste. Already reaching for the tasty treats to clear his palette. The next thing he knew, he had four grubby chucklefuck hands on his spreading middle.
Magnuts had tears in his eyes. “It’s kicking…”
“Yeah, the little nugget does that a lot,” grumbled Taako. “Please tell me you washed your fuckin’ hands before laying them on me?”
“Yeah, yeah. Antibacterial and all that shit,” said Merle. “You’re fine.”
“Apart from the bit where I got you two idiots groping me…”
“Did Krav help make this?” said Mango.
“No, I held a fuckpile and you weren’t invited. Of fucking course Krav and I…” He had to giggle. The baby was tickling him. “My other name for the nugget is ‘Serendipity’…”
A happy accident.
They hadn’t meant to make this life, but they wanted it.
“So… actual names?”
“I get to name any girls, but Krav gets to name any boys. So… Angus or Lulu. I already got checked out by a competent Cleric and… uh… it’s the first single birth in like a hundred generations of my family, so… It’s the ultimate coin toss.”
“You’d really name your baby after your sister?”
“Shyeah! She’d fuckin’ kill me if I didn’t.”
Mango insisted on talking to Taako’s baby bump. “Whoever you are, I will protect you.”
Merle, a little more grumpy about it, said. “Yeah, I’ll even learn to be a competent Cleric so I can heal it.”
Taako muttered, “You two get any more cute about this and I’ll throw up on you.”
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 4]
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