Reader Request #96

Aliens vs Dragons – @jazzmaster009

“One small step for an Elf… one… giant leap for Elven kind.”

“Taako, do you have to do this every single time you put first foot on another world?”

“It’s luck, homie. Every time I say those words, my sister and I don’t beef it that year.”

“Oh, so you’re fine, the rest of us can go hang.”

“Dude, as long as one of us is alive to fly the Starblaster, we’re all fine.”

“Just leave him alone, Magnus-dear. My poor dumb baby brother does like his superstitions.”

Lyyrn peeked out from the shrubbery in which she was hiding. So far, these invaders weren’t doing anything worse than arguing with each other. But that didn’t make them any less strange and frightening.

They were peculiar things. Bigger than her; but everyone said she was still a baby. They walked on two legs like a trained bear, and only two among the seven were alike. There was the big hairy one, the small really hairy one, the small not-so-hairy one with the flame-red tuft of hair. There was the really dark one with the really pale hair, the really pale one with the sort-of dark hair… and then those two.

They all had really weird skin that flapped around them as they moved. Red and shiny with gold. The two almost-identical ones had long hair that flowed out and over the red, but some of it was under a different container of some sort. A big red cone on top of their heads.

They all had funny black feet. Really weird black legs, too. Lyyrn was fascinated by the way they walked around without once needing to drop to all fours. But then, they didn’t have tails like Lyyrn’s tail.

“I am liking this planet,” said the one they called Taako. He was reaching up and plucking fruit off the trees. Sniffing their flesh. “Nice landing area, plenty of forage…”

“No light,” said one of the small ones. Lyyrn had to wonder if they were like babies. They were smaller even than her baby sister, and she was tiny.

“Oh sure, sure. Rain on my fuckin’ parade. Make the best of what’s there, I always say.”

“Is that a Taako Original?” teased the one who looked just like Taako.

“Eheheheheh,” mocked Taako. “You’re so funny.”

Then the big hairy one parted the bushes where Lyyrn had been hiding. His weird, flat face split open to show even weirder teeth. “Guys,” he whispered, “I found a dragon…”

“We are not taking it with us,” said the little one with the red tufts. That one sounded so much like a Mama that Lyyrn really wondered what was up with these alien creatures.

She froze, resorting to baby instinct and not even thinking about her elemental breath.

“Aaw, did I scare da poor widdle ting,” cooed the big hairy one. “Iss okay… iss okay.” It put its paw by her nose, and a very odd smell invaded her nostrils. Not like anyone or anything she knew. That paw ran gently over her scales as he cooed, “There, there, there… I won’t hurt you.” And let her sniff again. Its scent and her scent mingled.

That was a trick for animals. “I’m not an animal,” she said. “Lea’me alone or Mama’s gonna get you.”

“Oh tits,” said Taako.

“Fucking run!” yelled the copy.

Mama came to the rescue, swooping down and making all the aliens rush for their silver… thing. A thing that lifted off from the ground and sailed to a safe distance in precisely the way that clouds didn’t.

Mama scooped her up and flew her back to the nest and spent most of the evening watching the night sky for silver things.

Three days later, the silver thing hovered like a cloud. Right where Lyyrn and Mama could see it. It was not doing anything at all. Just… staying there. Carefully out of breath range.

If Lyyrn squinted, she could see the small really hairy one being held up on the front of the silver thing by the big hairy one.

Mama made Lyyrn stay in the nest as she did a fly-by. There were words. The aliens talked low and soft and so did Mama. No matter how much Lyyrn leaned on the edge of the nest, she couldn’t make out what was said.

Mama came up to the nest, and the silver thing followed. Lyyrn hunkered back down in the nest, watching as they both flew closer. She feared the thing, but Mama trusted it enough to let it come close. Mama knew what was safe. Lyyrn had to trust Mama.

The strangers were… weird… but they were okay. They were friendly aliens. The big, hairy one - Magnus - apologised for trying animal tricks on her. They told all kinds of wonderful stories, and even though they were odd, they were nice.

It took Lyyrn all of two hours to forget about being afraid of them.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6]

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Tumbl'd 3: Forever TAZ - Chapter 3 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

In this episode: the aftermath of the luume’irma episode from a previous anthology.

It was easy to tell when Taako was stressing out about shit. He had morphing hair and zero control over it, so when it curled, he was freaked out. Its natural state was that of a slightly wooly wave, but here on the moon? He had ringlets on his good days.

Merle knew his botany, and giving an Elf the traditional de-stresser - extract of Dreamroot - would only make things worse. Elves needed a different source of mellow. Better yet, he had recently been reminded of what that was. On the way to Wave Echo cave, Taako had stopped to pluck a dandelion gone to seed.

He’d blown a good half or more of the seeds off and muttered, “Some for the wild,” and then tucked the rest, and some leaves, into a little pouch that also held a very small clay pipe in its folds. Their Elf wizard was also a ‘lion fiend.

No wonder he was stupid as fuck. He spent most of his life high as a kite on dandelions. Given how stressed out he was, Merle could see why.

There were no dandelions on the moon. Everything up on the Bureau base was carefully catered, meticulously planned, and rigidly controlled. There were no ‘lion fiends on the moon. Well. There hadn’t been until Taako had been forced to go cold turkey by the surrounds he was trapped in.

So he had taken a trip down to some vacant lots on the surface, and harvested some seeds before coming back up with some cover shopping.

A few little ceramic pots. A few measures of good, rich soil. A quiet place with sunshine that nobody could find… and there were dandelions on the moon. He carefully selected some of the beginning leaves and dried them according to the proper specifications, bundling them up in a little envelope of waxed paper.

The next meeting Taako attended, Merle slipped him the envelope. “From the department of Don’t Tell the Director.”

He peeked. “Aaaww… yiss…”

*

Angus McDonald, fresh new Seeker for the Bureau of balance, had crept out after the Wizard Reclaimer known as Taako. He was an enigma. A self-proclaimed idiot wizard who somehow managed to have a ‘moment of clarity’ that solved the entire case.

He was pretty sharp, actually. Angus suspected that Taako might be playing the fool at expert levels.

Taako’s braids were tight and stiff, standing out against his skull and looking almost ready to snap. He busied himself with something small that easily fit in the cup of his hand. There was a sparkle of Prestidigitation and a hint of small flame. Taako inhaled deeply, held that breath, and the golden braids fell loose and lax. Still perfect, because Elves never had a hair out of place, but far less curly than it usually was.

A plume of smoke smelling vaguely like burning leaf litter, and Taako was leaning, far more relaxed, against the corner he had once only had his shoulder propped against. He fought outright collapse and mumbled, “Dayumn, Merle… That’s some shit…”

Angus knew what this was. “You smoke ‘lion, sir?”

Taako looked. “Aw shit.” A sigh. A different curse. “Yeah. I got like… hypertension or some shit. I take it to chill out. Keeps me off’a the panic attacks.”

“I’d heard dandelion had some medicinal use for Elves, sir. But… how is it possible to take more of a hit than you intended?”

“How’d you…? Wait. World’s greatest detective. Yeah.” He pondered the smouldering remnants in the pipe and snuffed it. “Thing is… thing is… thing… thing… Thing is… Merle… has to fuck. With everything.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Especially plants. It gets gross. Real gross.”

Angus connected the dots despite Taako’s evident inebriation. “Mr Highchurch has been breeding stronger dandelions.”

“Kind’a lucky he wasn’t breeding with them,” mumbled Taako. “Every fuckin’ time he slides me a new supply, it’s…” He wavered. Drooped. Shook himself back to consciousness. “Way stronger. Way, way, way, way stronger.”

Angus helped him sit down before he fell down. “Sir, if you know it’s stronger, why don’t you cut back on your dosage?”

Taako attempted to focus and rolled ones five times in a row. “Kid,” he said. “I’m awready doin’ that.”

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 5]

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[AN: This happens before the toothbrush incident]

“So-o-o-o… you got a type or what?”

They were on stake-out, with little to talk about any more, so of course the conversation turned to matters of the heart. Avi was very happy with Johaan and wanted to see that kind of happiness spreading around.

“Stop trying to set me up, Burnsides…” Sno peeked through the binoculars. No movement from the guy they were staking out. He was having a quiet night in. Apparently.

“Hey, if anyone deserves some happiness with a special someone, it’s you, buddy.” He added a mock punch. “You’ve been through more than your fair share of shit. You deserve happiness. You deserve love.”

“I can find it on my own. Thanks.”

“At least tell me about your dream date.”

Sno could see him every time she blinked. “Tall. Dark. Nerdy. He’s got this weird laugh and a sorta… skewiff smile. Kind’a awkward, but… honest awkward. The nice guy that doesn’t advertise, you know?”

“Thirty guys at the precinct just lost a bet that you’re a lesbian,” said Avi. “Nerdy types, huh?”

“Yeah. I like me a man with an astonishing grasp of Klingon.”

Avi laughed at that, and the discussion devolved into some areas of nerditry that Avi - a born Jock - was familiar with. But that was the moment that lead, inexorably, inevitably, to one of the most excruciating evenings of Snocoun Ton’s life.

Avi had set her up with a nerd from Miller Labs, a favour he had managed to wrangle after solving some case involving volatile chemicals, smugglers, and a rare species of parrot. Sno had gone along because she thought her partner had somehow found out about a completely different nerd who also worked for Miller Labs.

For a fleeting moment, Sno daydreamed about not having to come clean because the other man in her life had already figured things out for her.

Then Mukaara bowed Lucas fucking Miller into the restaurant seat opposite her and took a seat at a group table with a bunch of other executive assistants. He made sure he had a good view, the rat bastard.

“Wow,” said Sno, glaring at Avi. He was gurning and making positive hand signals through the window like the over-eager puppy he had to have been reincarnated from. “When he said he had someone high up in Miller Labs, I didn’t expect anyone this high up.”

Mukaara, over at the assistants’ table, was watching her over his menu with a devilish gleam in his sky-blue eyes.

“I… thought I’d be getting someone a little further down the totem pole. Like an assistant…”

Lucas Miller spat a little as he talked. “Yes, well. I understand your shock and awe. It’s rare that I meet a lady who’s of the right calibre to date someone like me. I mean. You can’t get much higher in the Miller Labs internal structure without going to my Mom and -haha- that’s my job. Haha.”

“Haha,” echoed Sno, deadpan.

In the window behind Miller, Avi was using his fingers as antennae and attempting a Vulcan salute. He rolled ones for his skill check on the latter. He blatantly mouthed, Talk nerdy nerd stuff.

“But seriously,” said Miller, “I’m a nice guy and -to be humble- one of the top ten geniuses of our time. I’m more than a little particular about the kind of girl that gets my attention.”

Oh shit. Red flag. Abort! Abort! Sno looked to the window for Avi, and only saw the tail end of his scarf as one of the restaurant staff shooed him away from the exterior. Mukaara was talking to a waiter and couldn’t get any of her covert signals.

And worse, she’d paid in advance for the table. She’d better eat here or the deposit would have been spent for nothing.

“What kind of girl might that be?” she cooed, playing nice. Maybe if she played all her cards wrong, she could escape this travesty and never have to contact Miller again.

Miller started waxing lyrical about the women he’d had crushes on since childhood. All of them, Sno noted, owed their existence to cell animation. The few she recognised were all the same type - big-busted, addle-brained, cutesey-wutesy doormats.

Gods, please get me out of here…

*

To think, Mukaara pondered, he had been worried that Sno might start falling for his boss. He should never have been so concerned.

Lucas Miller had a type, and it was generally found printed on a cover for a body pillow. Despite that, he expected any flesh and blood woman to pass a trivia test in order to qualify for his attention.

So far, Sno was passing. When she was allowed to get a word in edgewise.

Mukaara watched the disaster unfold. Lucas had already completely failed to notice Sno’s severe lack of interest in him since three seconds in. Sno’s face was a rictus when she wasn’t desperately mouthing, Help me! in Mukaara’s direction.

Entrees had been survived. The main course arrived with -oh gods- Lucas’ opinion on Elves.

“It’s all well and good saying that terrible things happened in living memory,” he was lecturing, “but Elves live for a million years or more. You guys should take a joke or two.”

“Seven hundred and fifty,” corrected Sno. “Eight hundred if they manage clean living.”

Lucas didn’t appear to hear her. “So what if the Xenophobia wars were in living memory? That could mean a thousand years ago! They ended four hundred years ago.”

“They ended forty years ago,” corrected Sno. “They started four hundred years ago.”

“They need to let it go.”

“Millions died. Elf kind were almost wiped out.”

“Yes, yes, yes… But it happened so long ago. The damage is repaired. The population is back to normal. Almost beyond normal. There’s no more need to keep crying about it.”

Mukaara flinched. Nope. She wasn’t going to hit him, but it was a close thing.

“Trouble?” said Rinnu.

“Almost. If he keeps talking about the Xenowars, there’s going to be.”

“Yeah?”

“Her mother was one of the last casualties of the Xenowars…”

Winces, hisses, and whistling backwards. Something expensive was doomed to happen.

“What about your opinion on Steampunk?” said Sno rather desperately. A safe way to move things to something Lucas loved to do - deliver his opinion.

Sno’s expression ranged from relief through boredom, to being ten thousand percent done with everything that came out of Lucas’ mouth.

On the plus side, that particular classification would not include -say- his teeth.

On the minus side… poor Sno was suffering for a fancy dinner.

He’d have to make it up for her at a later date. Perhaps a marathon session of bad food and worse television and a good, solid session of Mock That Movie.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6]

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If there was any day that would be the worst one for a surprise inspection visit by the Fantasy CPS, it would have to be the day that Taako was sliding inexorably towards a full-on Luume rampage.

He was currently cooking everything in the kitchen whilst Angus, Agatha, and Carey flipped rapidly through reference material, desperately searching for something that would prevent Taako bonding with all the babies in the house. Carey and Killian liked Taako just fine, but not as a co-parent to their own daughter.

Both Orc and Dragonborn had rougher hides, and couldn’t finesse an Elf’s ‘off switch’ like an Elf or a Humanman could. The only other option was one of the children, and by the time he got near one, he would want to grab the other.

“Here it is,” Carey found the passage. “Co-parenting of a child by a more authoritative figure can prevent a parental bond forming in an Elf suffering luume’irma. This is it. One of us goes with and does most of the parenting stuff instead of letting Taako do it all.”

“Or I could just hide,” suggested Agatha.

“No, hon. He’d scent you out,” said Killian. “We’ve seen this sort of thing before. Unless Kravitz turns up to really distract Taako–”

“Gross,” said the kids.

“Yeah, we figured that wouldn’t be an option,” said Killian. “And I don’t wanna disinfect my kitchen again.”

“Babies eat,” singsonged Taako, bearing an overloaded platter of nutritious and delicious treats.

Someone knocked as they barged in. “Fantasy CPS inspection.”

Sniff? Snort. SNARL!

“Oh shit,” said Angus.

Taako quickly put the tray down and leaped over the couch to scoop up the kids, growling at the representative from the Fantasy CPS, and one of the staffers from the very orphanage both kids had come from.

If there was anything that was a worse threat to those children, it would be the slightest hint that they were going back to that horrible orphanage.

Taako lifted one kid in each arm, hissed defiance at the representatives for their alleged welfare, and bounded off towards the backyard, where he had built a cote some years prior.

“Agatha, go limp,” Angus advised.

“Luume?” said the Fantasy CPS representative.

“Luume,” said Carey, lifting up the tray. “I gotta go make sure he doesn’t adopt our kid. Okay?”

They let her go off with a wave of their hand.

Killian, attempting to remain calm, made tea. “So,” she said. “How does your organisation feel about moments of bad timing?

Meanwhile, up in the cote…

Taako sniffed at the entrance. Food. Friend? Friend. Yes. Let friend in. Babies scared. Babies hungry. Babies in danger.

“Bad people near,” he said.

“Ye-e-es,” cooed Carey-friend. “Bad people are near. This is the safe place. This is a good place.” She handed Taako a cake, and gave one to Agatha. “You feed your baby, I feed mine. Okay?” She urgently whispered, “Don’t let him feed you. Always look to me for that ‘kay?”

Agatha nodded, taking the cake from her Dragonborn mother’s hands.

Taako knew he could groom both babies, that was good. He could sniff and worry and guard. That was… allowed. He could feed his baby and keep him arm and comfortable and that was very good. He could purr up a storm for the three of them. And if he saw even the slightest hint of the dangerous outsiders, he would occupy the entrance and threaten them until they went away.

That was excellent.

*

Agatha stayed glued to Mom’s lap or wrapped around her arm if a lap wasn’t available. The passages she read had said she had to make the belonging clear to a being whose mental capacity was diminished at best. Mom was cool with it, always keeping at least one limb wrapped around her.

The cote was comfortable, Agatha knew. She used it as a treehouse once or twice. The food was great - of course it was, Taako had made it. Much though she loved Mama Killian’s cooking, Taako was the best chef in one hundred worlds. He did actually make the best stuff. Even when Int and Wis were his current dump stats.

She got to chatter - quietly - with Angus about how their home lives were so much different now that they had a home. How worried they were about Fantasy CPS and the orphanage taking them back.

At that point, Taako wrapped himself around Angus and groomed him towards calm, purring as soothingly as he could. Mom Carey had her own Dragonborn purr, too, and rocked Agatha in her arms as she singsonged, “We burned the receipts, you can’t be returned, it’s going to be okay… Mom’s gotcha. Mo-om’s gotcha…”

Agatha held hands with Angus as the conversation turned to whispers. Finally, as the moon shone between the woven branches, Mama Killian strolled into their yard. “They’re gone. You’re all safe now.”

Taako sniffed the air, snorted, and murmured, “Danger…”

In the end, it was a sleepover and campout. Mama brought up pillows and blankets and some fairy lights, and snuggled with Mom while they both held Agatha safe between them.

Angus curled up safe in his Papa’s arm, with Taako purring in his ear.

It was a good night.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7]

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…in another reality, a fragment of the one we know…

Growl… Taako rather insisted that Mrs McDonald remained upright.

“None of that nonsense,” said Mawlitt briskly, levering Mrs McDonald’s feet out from under her. Or at least, that’s what he tried to do. There was a blur and a snap, and a sharp sensation of pain in his left shoulder. And a blood-soaked Elven face in his.

“Need. Safe,” Taako growled.

“Sir…. sir… deep breaths, sir. Dr Mawlit is here to help.”

The growling continued like a burning fuse. The sort of growl that starts in the back of one throat and ends in someone else’s.

Mrs McDonald shrieked. “It’s… coming!”

Grrrrrrrrooooowwwwllllll…

“Sir, it’s okay. I won’t let the doctor hurt her.”

The baby was out before he could think of dressing his own wounds. Something Mr McDonald was there to help for. The important part was hale, hearty and crying.

“Baby eat,” was even more disturbing with the slow fuse of growl underneath it. 

Mawlitt let that distract the Elf in the room and got out the forceps and special scissors. “Now to cut the cord…”

There were sharp, Elven teeth in his wrist this time, holding forceps and his hand away from the trailing cord. The growl intensified with flecks of foam. Mawlit was close enough to see murder in those suddenly-thin slits.

“Sir, no!” Mr McDonald put himself between Taako and Mawlitt.

“Ba– baby? Threat! Threat! Babies. Threatening babies!”

Mawlitt figured it out. No bladed instruments. Right. He moved his more imposing obstetrical arsenal well out of sight and hopefully out of mind.

“No threat,” he assured. “Help babies.” He bandaged his right wrist. “I’m using the clean hand, to help with the afterbirth. Okay. No hurt. No threat.”

Taako yielded grudgingly, growling the entire time and poised ready to strike if the slightest hint of trouble glimpsed his way.

Whoops. That’s a second baby… He got the kid oriented the right way with a gentle shove. “Ms McDonald,” he said, “You’re going to have a twin.”

Taako was suddenly happier about life in general. “Babies,” he preened. Then returned to growling slightly softer at Mawlitt.

“He is going to be intolerable,” she complained between pushes.

“He is never going to shut up about this,” agreed Mr McDonald

Twin number two entered Mrs McDonald’s arms and Mawlitt found himself pushed forcefully towards the exit by a pissed-off Luume-addled elf. Just as those sharp, sharp teeth drew closer to his neck, rescue came in the form of Kravitz Reeper. “Hello, Dove. Don’t bite the doctor.”

Agatha squirmed past squeaking, “Babies! Babies! Grampa was right! There’s twins!”

Mr McDonald stage-whispered, “We don’t need to encourage Grampa…”

Mawlitt would be grateful when civilisation reasserted itself. Fortunately, he was plenty distracted by the husband cleaning blood off of his face.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 8]

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Lucretia had just turned five when the Event happened. She had a few words that she would use when there were no alternatives, but this was not one of them.

“Mom!”

The twins came running, so did Gramma La’ming, who Lucretia secretly called ‘Gramming’ in her occasional playful moments. Not that she said that out loud. She rarely said anything out loud.

Her extended, adopted family were careful to circle around so she could see who was coming even when all her attention was transfixed on the TV, and the news it contained.

Her adopted mother was on the TV. Slowly approaching some house in suburbia and she had her vest on and her hands empty. Lucretia could read the crawler. She could read all of it.

Hostage situation in lower east end, was the main one. There were also words that zipped by like gunman, and drug bust gone wrong, and possible fatalities. The twins knew what was up.

“You need a hug?” offered Koko.

“You need a Sammich?” said Lulu. It was family shorthand for both twins holding her like comforting brackets.

“Sammich,” she nodded. She didn’t close her eyes as the twins squeezed in, keeping her eyes on the screen for any hint of what her mom was doing. Gramming patted her lightly on the head as if to say, I will be right back with what you need.

In a moment, she heard the dryer going and smelled the special hot chocolate. Therefore, in just a few minutes, there would be warm beverages in all hands and a warm blanket tucked around all three of them.

“Aunt Sno knows her suff,” said Lulu. “She’s gonna be okay.”

The words zipping across the screen said, Armed gunman allegedly high on Bad Dreams, a dangerous new drug on the streets of Neverwinter. Lucretia couldn’t listen to any of the words that the people were saying, no matter how clear their speech nor piercing their voices. Her attention was fixed firmly on the scrolling words and the tiny blue figure in uniform, whenever she turned up in the shaking camera’s view.

She was glas of the hot chocolate and the warmth of the blanket when her mom stepped inside the building.

“She’s got this,” repeated Koko between slurping at marshmallows. “She’s got this sewn up…”

“It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna all be–”

The popping noise sounded clearly above the on-scene commentator. The camera view shattered into a flurry of blurs and incomprehensible movement. The twins had hands over her eyes and over her ears, but it was too late.

Shots had been fired.

Every cop’s kid knew what shots fired could mean.

Lucretia clawed at the twins’ hands, screaming, “No, no, no,” over and over. She was screaming. The twins were screaming. Gramming was screaming. Even Aunt Mak’arune was screaming. They were all so loud that the Pithons came down from upstairs, one of the Montlings in their arms, to see what the ruckus was.

They let Lucretia hold the baby instead of the hot chocolate. Something about a small and helpless being in her arms provided an oasis in a sea of emotions. The TV was showing the house, at an even worse distance than previously. The words, Shots fired! crawled across the screen. Endlessly.

Some more people in uniform rushed in. There was no sign of anyone for too long. Koko’s hair had frizzed right up out of stress and Lulu’s wasn’t far behind. Lucretia knew, without a doubt, that if it wasn’t for the little Montling in her arms, she would be a total wreck.

Then, like a miracle, a blue figure in uniform walked out. There was a human-sized bag on a stretcher, and some other people with blankets around them.

Lucretia paid all her attention to the blue figure with blue hair. “Mommy… mom…”

“She’s okay,” Lulu cheered. “She’s okay, she’s all right!”

Someone - probably Uncle Avi - leaped on her from amongst the wall of uniforms keeping the public at bay, landing in a hug.

Mom gave him a noogie and shoved him away in the way that she always did for Uncle Avi.

Then they cut away to a Porky Pig cartoon.

It was over. Mom was okay.

When Mom came home, she was mobbed by family. Lucretia wrapped herself around her legs, and the twins only added to that burden. Gramming and Aunty Mak’arune all but tackled her in the doorway. There were a lot of tears.

The news, much cut down to a five-minute segment about drug violence in Neverwinter, had everything boiled down to the essentials. It held no horrors for Lucretia. Not any more.

Mom held her on her lap, that night, feeding Lucretia because she wouldn’t let go. Just like it had been for the first couple of days in Mom’s care.

Mom kept holding her, kept kissing her forehead, kept purring, and kept saying, “It’s going to be okay. The Chief has seen to it that I shouldn’t be in that much trouble any more. We’re going to be okay.”

Tomorrow, she might believe it.

Two days after that, she learned that there had been a kid at the scene. A tiny scrap of a boy who had also run afoul of the Foster system and had been found in a literal doghouse after all the news cameras lost interest.

His name was Magnus, and Mom was pulling some strings to have him fostered with Uncles Avi and Johaan.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 8]

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Sometimes… it’s good to get away from the kids. Kustaad, La’ming Ton, Mak’arune, and Montgomery Pithon were glad enough to leave the twins with Kri with Tri’fel and Exandria as the grownups took a break from their combined shenanigans in the Varmvale Inn.

Montgomery was enjoying things slightly less, since he was used to parenting two of the remaining three whilst they were on the road. It took him a good percentage of the evening to get drunk enough to relax.

Kustaad, on the other hand, was well into his cups. It took a lot to get an Elf drunk, and the Varmvale ale was thick and strong and potent as hell. “Tha’ li’l Koko,” he rambled. “He’s goin’ be trouble.”

“I know he’s a rough diamond,” said Mak’arune, who could not hold her ale. “But he’s… he’s real sweet. Th’ poor boy’s been through lots… Lots ‘n’ lots ‘n’ lots ‘n’ lots….”

La’ming took the tankard out of Mak’arune’s fingers. “I’m pretty sure you’ve had enough, there, dear.”

“I think,” said Kustaad. “I think… I think… I think I’m starting to think… That poor li’l boy might… just be sweet on me a li’l.”

Montgomery was glad he couldn’t roll his eyes. Everyone in the circus knew that Koko was fully occupied with pining for Kustaad. Happily married Kustaad. Old enough to literally be his father Kustaad. Also ripped, more than a little bit of a nerd, and thoroughly beautiful even for an Elf.

“I think you might be right,” he announced. “You’re kind of his type.”

“I’m also… approaching… Threehunnerd an’ fi’tty…” Kustaad belched. “I gotta… I gotta… uh… I gotta baby… tha’ss closer to his age’n I am.”

La’ming chuckled. “Babies always gotta get crushes onna grownups,” she said. “I remember this one time? In Freeport? I was only a hundred and thirty, but that didn’t matter… This li’l fifty-year-old squirt tries to sneak into my tent after th’ show…”

Mak’arune latched on to Montgomery’s arm. “Y’r th’ bess’ boss inna wholewide worl’… di’joo-di’joo-di’joo-di’jooo… know that?”

“You’re very drunk,” said Montgomery.

“…didn’t notice until I was halfway outta my costume, y’aw’msayin…”

Mak’arune’s eyes began to mist over. “Are you mad at me?”

“I’ll be less mad if I have my arm back, thankyou,” he allowed. I’ll be really mad at you tomorrow, when you can appreciate it. To add to the freedom, he gently tipped Mak’arune towards La’ming.

“…so there I am in tights and skimpy little panties, my bra half off… More’n half off if you get my drift… And he pops outta the clothes basket like, ‘tah-dah! You gotta love me’… so o’ course I– Hey!”

“Y’re ver’ preddy,” said Mak’arune.

“You’re kind’a adorbs yourself,” slurred La’ming.

The worst thing about tonight, Montgomery reflected, was that none of these Elves would remember any kind of progress they might make tonight.

Damn it.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7]

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Still Tumbl'd, Still TAZ - Chapter 95 - InterNutter - The Adventure Zone (Podcast) [Archive of Our Own]

In this chapter: Luume shenanigans on the Starblaster.

TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6

[Be sure to visit internutter (dot) org for details on how to support this artist]

The longer Alter-Sno remained on the moon, the worse she seemed to be. Her mood just kept on dropping to the point where there was a guard set up around the edges of the moon. Not that it was needed, she seemed determined to remain alive no matter how much hell she had to go through to do it.

Taako couldn’t fathom how she could be so bummed out. He had never needed anyone or anything, and failed to see how anyone else could need more. However, he could feel the sadness oozing off of her like a chill, cloying fog. Such as right now.

He didn’t even know she was passing behind him until the gooseflesh overtook his entire body despite the footie pyjamas, the shawl, and the hooded cloak he was wearing against the morning.

“Brrr… I dunno about you guys, but she is bumming me out.”

“Yeah, that’s a definite cloud of doom she’s got, there.”

“We should do something,” said Magnus.

“Naaaah,” said Merle, “Put three drops of Dreamroot extract into her ‘lion and she’ll be fine. Right as rain.”

Taako glared at him. “Just one question,” he said. “What the FUCK?”

“I have the same question,” said Madam Director, apparently manifesting spontaneously behind Merle. “You don’t mix Dreamroot and smoking weeds, Merle.”

“Well, maybe you don’t,” Merle began.

Taako tuned out of the incipient argument. Things were headed down the tube, for sure. The only question was how deep and how fast.

*

Merle sat down beside Alter-Sno as she stared up at the stars. “Thoughts of home?”

Tears remained unshed in her eyes. “Yeah. My baby’s waiting for me. I dunno how much time is passing back home. She’s gotta be so worried… I promised her… I promised…”

“Here,” he offered a rolled-up cigarette paper that was lumpish in odd places and smelled… familiar. “Smokee this, you’ll feel better.”

She knew that stink, and tried not to inhale very much. “You shove that in my face again, I’ll shove your entire arm up your own asshole.”

“Oh… kay…” Merle quickly made the joint vanish. “I’ll keep it handy in case you need it.”

*

Magnus had thought hard about this. Obviously getting her a puppy was a bad idea. Dogs wouldn’t remain on the moon. Giving her a puppy that would only run right off the dang thing would not help her overall mood.

He had spent quite a lot of time working on this. The creature inside the travel cage just had to make her smile.

“Hey,” he said. “I know this isn’t your kid, but… it’s company.”

She lifted the cloth. “It’s a pigeon.”

“It’s a homing pigeon,” said Magnus. “It won’t take fall damage if it wanders off the moon and it’ll always come back to you.”

Sno stared at him. It was a look Magnus was used to. It was a Look that said, he can’t possibly be as dumb as he seems right now. She said, “Thanks… I think.”

The pigeon just cooed and rolled ones at comprehending the world.

*

Taako launched straight into his thoughts the instant Alter-Sno opened the door. “So I can’t give you the baby of the base, right. He’s like annoyingly smart and shit. He’d come up with fifteen different reasons why it’s illegal. So I didn’t bother.” He swanned into her apartment. “Then I thought - food basket? But I have no fuckin’ idea about your favourites, so that’d be a wash. Then - a stroke of genius.” He started making tea.

“Genius,” echoed Alter-Sno.

“Yeah. See. You know a younger version of me, and you’re… so very worried about how my other self turned out. So I’m gonna tell you my backstory. Any step forward from where I wound up is bound to raise your spirits about my other self.”

Alter-Sno fussed with giving some seeds to a pigeon. “You figured that out, huh?”

Taako poured some tea. “So let’s start at age three. The genetic donor responsible for fathering me was a superstitious shit and took my heterochromia as a sure sign that I was both bad luck and demon-made. He and Mom fought a hell of a lot before her an off…”

Considering what she knew of her Koko’s past, there were a few key points in common. Absentee father who suffered under the burdens of superstition and immaturity, a mother who died too young, some portion of life with relatives, some of whom were assholes. And, as she listened, a lot more of life on the streets.

Taako had nobody and nothing, and he still managed to become something of a hero. The Koko she knew had a much better foothold on a better future.

The Koko she knew had a sister. He had a family who cared. He had an education. He was… he was doing okay. Further, he would be there to help Lucretia when Sno couldn’t return home.

For the first time, she was starting to feel like things could be okay.

[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 6]

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