Daily OpusEverything I write is freely rebloggable. Just keep the source and tell people about my books :D [Until I decide otherwise, my pronouns are Ze/Hir/Hirself. As in "Ze went to the shops to get hir medication hirself". Thank you for the respect.]
I hope that “between the crematorium and the dildo store” becomes a famous saying for whenever a person has lost in the most pathetic and undignified way possible. Sort of like how we still use the phrase “crossing the Rubicon” two thousand years after the event.
It is with great sadness that I report my very favorite review of The Queen of Ieflaria was recently deleted from Amazon.com without explanation. It will live on forever in my dropbox folder, and in my heart.
“your gay agenda has turned this midevil story into a full evil story”
[Pic Transcribe Start] Screencap of a one-star Amazon review of a book entitled The Queen of Leflaria [link above] which reads as follows:
Hold it right there
Marriages in midevil(sic) times were never between princesses. This violates all the history. Marriages are expected to produce heirs. I was so turned off that I had to delete this book which was supposed to be a midevil(sic) story.
My brother saved this document and everytime he gets angry at our neighbours for being loud he prints it to their wireless printer and you can hear the wife shout “Why the fuck would you print this AGAIN?!” to her son.
every time we serve chicken at work i think of this post
1. If you were wondering, you can type the numbers in the works cited into google and they appear to be medical journal articles about using medical imaging to detect and diagnose a rare form of Gastritis.
2. Please enjoy the offical powerpoint presentation of this paper at an academic conference by the original author, complete with Q&A:
THIS IS GOLD
oh m god please watch the video it’s some of the most contagious laughter on the planet
When I saw this cross my dash tonight, I smiled and thought “yess, the chicken chicken chicken post, I get to reblog it again and inflict it on all of the people that have followed me since last time”, and then I scrolled down more and to my utter delight there was A VIDEO, needless to say my night has been made
I HAVE NOT SEEN THE CHICKEN VIDEO IN TEN DAMN YEARS HOLY SHIT
So I have a friend that used to be in the tumblers troupe at the renfaire as a contortionist
We were chatting online and she told me to tell you all this story.
I love Kat dearly
but she forgets that she’s stupid strong and hypermobile
so one day she throws her back out
bad enough that she needed painkillers and couldn’t stand upright
“But also I needed Tampons and like. A Burrito, real bad.”
she’s flat on her back in her apartment when she decides this
and, in an
impeccable
leap of reasoning, decides
“I can’t roll my back forward to sit/stand up like normal.
But I can ARCH my back just fine.
SO
I’m going to do that and get on my hands and feet in a stomach-in-the-air this-shit-belongs-in-a-horror-movie-type pose,
And amble on down to the 7-11”
“And get me that Burrito”
It is,
for context,
after midnight in July during a wildfire so it’s hot as satan’s own asshole and the moon is red and shit’s already generally cursed.
Imagineyou are some poor sap working nights at the world’s deadest 7-11, and you hear the door jangle but you don’t see anyone’s head over the counters.
Whatever.
Except you keep hearing noises like there’s someone in the next aisle over.
Fucking around in the burrito section
It’s also worth mentioning that Kat
1. sings whatever earworm is currently running through her head when she’s not paying attention
2. sounds EXACTLY like some kind of creepy child from a horror movie when doing so
tonight’s song is something from veggietales.
DUDE ACTUALLY STANDS HIS GROUND
and/or is really fucking high and isn’t sure if he’s tripping balls or notanyway
Kat goes up to pay for her burrito and tampons
She realizes the counter presents something of a challenge, and then demonstrates for me on her kitchen table at 4AM during a different july wildfire,
exactly
how she used the shelves to climb up the counter
like one of the boston robotics beasties
dude stares at her for like, five minutes and says.
“Register’s broke.”
“Oh No!” Says Kat. “Just Take ‘em.” “Really? I can leave cash-you don’t have to give me change I don’t want you to get in trouble with your manager.” “…Nah.” “Oh! OK! Thank you!” “Yeah ok bye.”
Shortly after she arrived back at the apartment, she got a text on her phone from the campus security about "A Suspicious Individual” at tle 7-11.
Guys who complain about the friendzone often don’t care about their female friends’ personal boundaries, forcing their female friends build more walls up. A good cartoon.
- submitted by Gene
why is he tearing down a wall with an axe
i hate it when your put in the friendzone and made to tear down a wall
Mr. Gorbachev…tear down this friendzone
how you gonna draw some shit that makes you look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and still feel like you’re the victim
I DON’T *CHOP* UNDERSTAND *CHOP* WHY *CHOP* YOU CAN’T *CHOP* JUST *CHOP* LET ME *CHOP* BONE YOU *CHOP* ON AN INDEFINITE *CHOP* EXCLUSIVE *CHOP* BASIS *CHOP* WHEN *CHOP* I’M *CHOP* SO *CHOP* NIIIIIIIIIIIICE *CHOP*
“I’m going to wall you up now, Fortunato.”
“Ha ha, and then what? ;) ”
“For the love of God, Montresor!” -Cask of Amontifriendzone, Edgar Allan Poe
Incessantly, I heard a smacking, as of some entitled dipshit whacking, whacking on my chamber door.
Resignedly, I placed another layer, voicing a quiet, repeated prayer, “This dude thinks he’s a player, but I am not a point to score, he should fuck off and bother me no more.”
