[AN: Oooh, there are so many headcannons flying around about Ango’s parents. I’m going with abuse-by-micromanagement]

“Fold your fingertips under and push with your knuckles,” instructed Lup, who couldn’t coach Angus by physically moving him around.

“Tip of the knife against the chopping board,” reminded Taako. He held his hands behind his back so that he wouldn’t spook Angus by absently touching him. It had taken less than a day for Taako to realise that Angus didn’t like being physically manipulated and adjust his teaching style accordingly. “Just slice and move the zucchini. Slice and move.” He created an illusion of tiny hands doing the motions with the help of Prestidigitation, so Angus could see.

Angus, tongue stuck out of his mouth because he did that when he was having difficulty with a task, focussed so intensely on doing what he was shown that he never saw the two figures rapidly approaching the open-air kitchen that the trio were using for cooking lessons.

He didn’t see them until one yelled, “Angus Fortitude McDonald!”

Angus nearly sliced his knuckles off. He dropped the knife and backed away from his work in progress. “I was only learning,” he said.

“Honestly, this is how you show your gratitude?” chided his mother.

“We give you a place in the best academy in Faerun, and the first thing you do is run away to play detective?” said his father.

“We set you up for a lifetime career. The best career,” said his mother. “Theoretical multiplanar rune research. And this is how you repay us.”

“Uh,” said Magnus Burnsides, bringing in lumber for the fires. “Who are you guys?”

“And you’re associating with ruffians,” sniffed his mother.

“We are going to have a long talk about why you thought it was appropriate to interfere with our memories, young man,” said his father. Which meant that his parents were going to talk and he would have to stand still and listen and answer only when asked to answer, but otherwise stay there and take the haranguing. “Do you even remember any of your manners? Or did you wipe those out through the voidfish as well.”

“Excuse me, but his name is Fisher,” said Magnus. “And the baby is called Junior.”

Angus cleared his throat and ran himself through the mental exercises he did to keep a calm and steady voice even when he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. “Mister August McDonald, Missus Abigail McDonald… it is my pleasure to introduce Lup and Taako, from Tre Llew-Ddion, Magnus Burnsides…” he cleared his throat again because his voice cracked, “late of Ravensroost, and Merle Highchurch,” who was napping in a nearby hammock. “The three men are the team from the Bureau of Balance known as Tres Horny Boys. The lady is… Taako’s twin sister. Everyone? These… are my…” his voice died on the word ‘parents’. He couldn’t say it.

“Ee-NUN-see-ate,” scolded his father.

“Project,” declared his mother. “We gave you elocution classes, at least pretend our money was well spent.”

Merle started awake, peered at the parents, and said, “Who are these assholes?”

“Honestly, the company you’ve fallen into,” tutted his father.

By now, all he could see was his own shoes and a haze of unshed tears. They were going to take him away. They were going to take him away from everything and everyone that he loved and shut him up in the kind of boarding school that was the next best thing to a prison and a poorhouse combined and claim they were doing his best for him.

“Stand up straight,” chided his father.

“Boys don’t cry,” snapped his mother.

“Do I incinerate them now, or wait ‘till later?” said Lup.

Angus peeked towards Taako, who was fidgeting with his KrEbStAr with a speculative look in his eye. Taako caught Angus looking. “Made ‘em forget you, huh?”

Angus nodded. “…’essir…”

“I can see why.”

Magnus put himself between Angus and his parents. He never did like to see any living creature bullied. “Step. Off. Give the kid some air.”

“You think you can intimidate us?” said his father.

“We’re his rightful parents,” said his mother. “If you don’t give him to us, we can get the law involved.”

“We’re the ones who love him,” said his father.

Taako, looking as smug as a cat in a canary farm, said, “Prove it.” The smirk grew smugger. “Not with what you’ve given him, but with what you know about him.”

They set it up so that it could be fair. A kind of quiz show contest officiated by Lucretia with Taako and Magnus on one side and Mr and Mrs McDonald on the other.

Each question was judged by Angus, sitting under Merle’s Zone of Truth. Points arranged on a big board by Carey and Killian.

“Question one,” said Lucretia. “What is Angus’ favourite activity?”

Mrs McDonald said, “Homework, of course.”

Taako won that one with, “Solving mysteries.”

On it went. Favourite dessert: “None, he doesn’t have dessert.”/ “Bananoffee pie with extra marshmallow fluff and chocolate sprinkles.” Magnus won.

Best friend: “Lord Quisling of Bazilforte.”/ “Mavis Highchurch-Roughridge.” Taako and Magnus answered simultaneously and won.

Favourite rainy day activity: “Studying like a good boy.”/ “Reading those Caleb Cleveland books in a pillow fort with at least two cats and a hot chocolate.” Taako won because he provided both cats and hot chocolate.

Most-loved extracurricular activity: “None, all his activities should be curricular.”/ “Magic lessons with Taako,” answered Taako, while Magnus answered, “Acrobatics lessons with Carey.” They both won a point together.

And finally, the destroying, “What makes Angus happy?” which the contestants had to write down.

His parents wrote, He has yet to learn how to be happy. Taako and Magnus conferred and wrote, The life he chose for himself.

The Bureau of Balance obviously won by a landslide, but Lup had to rub it in. “A zero score. Seems to me you don’t know squat about your own kid.”

“This doesn’t prove anything,” protested his father. “We still have a right to our child.”

“Actually,” said Lucretia. “It proves neglect and abuse. By not knowing anything about your child, you’ve proven neglect. By not seeking out his happiness in any way, by enforcing a state of obvious misery, you’ve proven abuse. We could take it to a court of law, but it’s clear you’d lose and go to prison for your extant crimes. However, if you surrender your rights now, we will consider supervised visits–”

“Like fuck we will,” protested Tres Horny Boys in unison.

Lucretia glared at them. “We will consider supervised visits if you can demonstrate learning how to become decent, loving parents inside of a year. Starting with sensitivity training and child psychology classes. I hear Neverwinter University is running some flash courses for the… especially inept.”

“Burn!” Magnus yawped in glee.

His mother and father were lost for arguments. They looked - for the first time in Angus’ memory - completely lost.

Angus turned to Lup, who, as an actual lich, was not nearly as frightening as his own parents. “What just happened?”

“You’ve been adopted,” she said. “Grats. You have the entire BOB staff plus two liches plus probably one Reaper as your parents. You’re never going to run out of love, kiddo.”

That sounded… that sounded just perfect, come to think of it.

1) Yes

2) It depends on how busy my days are. For instance, I was just about to work on one of my prompts now. I’m trying to stick to one per day so my wrists let me live, though. I have three in my inbox, so… Patience is a virtue.

3) I try not to cover or gloss over NSFW content because I put every prompt fic up in AO3 under the title Tumbl Into TAZ, and I promised that, at most, it would be PG rated. Also, I do not condone nor support paedophilia, so I won’t write that.

As I said in one of them: gruesome, bloody violence is fine, but sex is out.

And now… I pop off to do one of those prompts. Stand by.

[AN: I’m assuming you mean Angus, not their kid]

In retrospect, the IPRE should never have sent along a means by which the crew of the Starblaster could record moving pictures. The extended mission recorded some thousands of moving scrolls, and so very many of them were Taako taking the piss from his fellow crewmembers.

He was imitating Fantasy David Attenborough[1] in this one, camera trained at Lup and Barry having an awkward conversation far down the hall. “The mating habits of the common nerd have yet to be… unravelled. As you can see, both of these nerds are sending clear signals to the other. Both are obviously ready to mate. Tragically, they are also so fucking oblivious to these signals, that mating is not likely to occur.”

“What the–?” said Lup. “Taako what the fuck are you doing?”

There were hundreds of scrolls in a similar theme. All preserved in the Bureau of Benevolence archives. Sorted by mission, seriousness, and coping strategies. There were more than a few vlogs of sole survivors. Teary-eyed and talking to the device as if they were talking to their absent comrades.

Given the sheer volume of Taako’s in-mission shenanigans, it was a really big mistake to gift him with his own Fantasy Video Camera for Candlenights.

He was imitating Fantasy David Attenborough again. Filming Angus arraying his evidence on the Big Table. “We see here the male nerd rearranging a display to attract the attention of his mate. As with all nerds, the display contains a dazzling array of differing information.”

Angus glared at his adopted Papa, rolled his eyes, and got on with his work.

“And here comes the mate, bearing gifts of theobromine in order to stimulate their intellectual pursuits. They will likely talk about the display for hours on end whilst consuming the theobromine.”

Agatha put down the cups and muffins. “Uh… what the hell is he doing?”

“He thinks we’re working too hard, so he’s goofing too hard.” Angus made a gesture with both hands. “Balances things out. Ignore him. He’ll get tired of it eventually.”

“The male has just reassured the female that I am not a threat. Tragically, many nerds have lost their lives from underestimating invaders into their territories.”

“Sir, if you mess up our evidence, you’ll have to tidy it up again.”

“That was a threat display,” said Taako. “Nerds can be dangerous when riled. We are going to resume from a safer, more distant location.”

Agatha giggled. “Is this your dad third-wheeling us?”

“That, or he’s bored and trying to get a rise out of us. It’s hard to tell. Ninety percent of Papa’s motivation is boredom.”

Taako remained in character. “That was a base and accurate truth.” He set up the camera whilst allegedly hiding from his son and his girlfriend. “Let’s watch the interaction as the nerds attempt to impress each other.”

Angus shook his head. “He’s overdue for another adventure,” he said. “This is my evidence. What have you got?”

Agatha dug into her satchel of holding, adding to the array of items.

“Having shown her his, the female shows him hers.”

“Oh. My. Gods…” Agatha whimpered, her dark skin growing darker around her cheeks.

“Don’t be gross,” said Angus, not looking up from the table where two brilliant minds were gathering proof. “We’re making you an adventure, the least you could do is be nice about it.”

Taako shut off the Fantasy Video Camera. “You two kids want some brain food while I wait?”

[1] David Attenborough is definitely a Druid/Ranger with maybe a level or three of Wizard.

There are few things in life better than a lazy Saturday morning in bed. Kravitz was comfortably warm and in physical content with the best amount of Taako, which was as much skin-to-skin contact as they could both get. The cats were scattered about above them on the covers, one nestled by Kravitz’s head, and purring was the only scheduled activity this morning.

Kravitz turned his head just enough to kiss Taako’s forehead and felt a tickle on his cheek that wasn’t any of the cats’ tails or whiskers. He freed an arm to pluck it off his face.

A raven’s feather. He was being summoned.

“Dove,” he cooed. “Love. Darling. I gotta go to work, sweetie.”

Taako’s grip only tightened. He moaned a rising whine of complaint. “Nooo… stay with me…”

“I can’t, Dove. My Queen needs me.”

“Y’r husband needs you,” Taako mumbled, refusing to let go.

“I know. I know, Dove. I’m sorry. I really have to go.” It was harder than it had to  be, escaping Taako’s grip. Especially since the wonderful wizard, chef, and all-around gorgeous Elf kept re-adjusting his grip. “Let go, love.”

“No-o-o-o…” Taako whined. “Don’ wanna…”

*

“My apologies for the delay, my Queen,” said Kravitz, one of the best Reapers in the Raven Queen’s employ.

“Nice backpack,” said Barry as he cleaned his glasses with the edge of his Reaper robe. “It almost looks like–” he put his glasses back on. “Taako?”

“…come back to bed…” Taako grizzled.

Lup, meanwhile, was almost bursting her innards trying not to laugh.

[AN: In Continuity with the Young Angus ‘verse, and a direct sequel to the previous request. AU adjustment, Agatha is now also a half-elf]

Agatha had grown to like making Professor Angus McDonald, world’s greatest detective, blush and stammer. Some days, she could do it just by smiling a certain way. Today, though, she wasn’t even trying. Yet there he was, in her company, face growing ruddier by the second.

He was also sniffing a lot and using simpler language choices. It was when he started to perspire that she suspected something was up. Especially when, upon sneaking up on the latest crime family plot, that he wound up right next to her, taking a deep inhale, and spontaneously purring.

In elven parlance, he had a pretty loud engine when he set up a purr. Even his distress purrs were audible across a room.

“Still it,” she whispered. “You’re gonna fuck our stealth check.”

“Smells nice,” said Professor McDonald. Something on his wrist began a tinny little chime. It chimed Love Is In the Air.

“What the shit?” Agness whispered. She grabbed his arm and pulled up his sleeve and saw a little alert. Luume’irma. Batten down the hatches. Oh no. Oh no. “You’re going through Luume? Now?”

Angus, a little behind on things for a change read the display, felt his own cheeks, and said, “Oh fuck, not this again…”

Timing is everything. Just as Agatha was reaching for his ‘off switch’, one of the obligatory stupid guards was bringing a young, teenage prisoner in for a dark ritual that almost certainly included a blood sacrifice.

“Baby,” cooed Angus.

“Oh fuck,” said three people at once, including the potential ‘child’ sacrifice.

Angus saw the chains, the ritual knife and, having also seen the altar, was able to put two and two together and come out with murder as both the problem and the solution. With Luume in the equation, it meant that most of the cultists and all of the crime family were stopped with extreme prejudice. Agatha helped, only to make certain that a few were left alive to testify to the authorities.

Angus, bloodstained and victorious, gathered both Agatha and the half-orc kid who had been saved into his arms and carried them to safety. Which happened to be a residence overflowing with evidence because one of the bosses lived in it. Used to live in it. There, Angus groomed and fed both the kid and Agatha, though his attentions towards Agatha made her blush and stammer.

He was caught between nurturing his found child and smudging up to someone he saw as a mate. Once that information filtered through her head, Agatha decided not to tease him so much about his affections any more.

“What’s your name, kid?” she asked the teen half-orc.

“Uh… Neosemo?” He wasn’t used to a tender touch, judging by the way he flinched every time Angus delicately untangled a knot in his hair. “Is he… okay?”

“It’s Luume. You’ve just been adopted.” Agatha thought about this. “It’s a lifelong bond and Professor McDonald is gonna be compelled to look after you. The rest of the family is just going to adopt you automatically…” Agatha temporarily lost the power of speech as Angus nuzzled affectionately into her neck and kissed her tenderly. “The good news is you got the best new leaf you could possibly have.”

“The bad news?” said Neosemo as Angus tried to feed him a fragment of lembas.

“There is no possible way to rebel because your family now includes the Seven Birds.”

Neosemo looked into the middle distance like he was seeing his first rainbow. “…holy shit..” he mumbled.

*

Angus woke himself up with his own purring. Someone very, very kind was waving scrambled eggs, waffles, and hot chocolate under his nose. Food. Yes. Good food. Even better.

He was halfway through it all when he registered that someone was talking to him. “Mrf?”

“I said, are you feeling better, now?” said Agatha.

Chew, chew, chew, gulp. “Much. Thanks for the food. Man, I feel so wiped out… Um. Was there… a kid?”

“His name is Neosemo and he’s talking with the city guard. A cleric will be by shortly to be certain you don’t have any issues. Is this your second Luume or…?”

“Yeah, it was my second. Ten years apart. I think I lucked out…” He tried not to inhale the hot chocolate. “You made all this? For me?”

“Yup. Sorry I couldn’t find any bacon for you.”

Now that he thought about it, bacon would be wonderful. Bacon or mutton and clootie dumplings and -damn- when Papa said the demands on an Elf’s body were high, he wasn’t fucking around. “We’ll find some. Pretty sure one of Papa’s restaurants is around here, somewhere…” Agatha refilled his borrowed mug with more of the hot chocolate, which was delicious. “Marry me?” he said.

“Wait until you’re no longer high on hormones before you ask that again,” she joked.

“Okay,” he agreed, then his heart swelled three sizes when his new kid entered the room. “There’s my boy,” he cooed. “There’s my beautiful boy…”

The interesting times were only beginning.

anonymous asked:

on the same vein as half elf Angus, being adopted by Kravitz and Taako, may I request Ango going through his first ( or second) Luume? ( whether or not he’s with Agatha, or even around that age is up to you) Thank you for taking the time to read this!

[AN: Found it! Things be FUBAR’ed so this is the real one. I need to think about this one because I promised my Tumbl into TAZ readers that nothing would be NSFW]

“Sir? I don’t feel so good…”

It was a definite bad sign when Angus referred to Taako as ‘sir’. He hadn’t done that for half a century or more. Definitely when he was mostly-grown and it finally sunk in that he had a place to belong. Taako put down his cooking and washed and dried his hands.

Angus was– what? Seventy? Eighty? He knew being half-elven screwed things up, sometimes. The human side demanded things go quickly, whilst the Elven side wanted to chill.

“Awright, kiddo. Gimmie the symptoms list,” Taako felt his brow. Warm to the point of hot. He was feverish. Flushed cheeks. Dilated pupils… Uh oh.

“I feel real restless,” said Angus. “Like I want something, but it’s not here. Everything is wrong.”

Taako took a deep inhale of Angus’ scent. It had changed up to be abnormally appealing. It triggered Taako’s more intensive needs to care for this child of his. Fortunately, he made the will save to resist his stronger instincts. “Hungry?” Taako guessed.

“Starving.” Angus looked pained and he looked around the kitchen for the undefinable. “I know I just had breakfast, but I want… I want more…”

“Luume,” said Taako. “We knew it was coming.”

“I’m only seventy-five…”

Good thing one of them was keeping track of this business. “Yeah, and it could have come on at fifty, when you were still on the weedy side.” Taako slid across something high-calorie and easy to consume, which Angus fell on. “It’s okay. Papa’s got’cha.”

As Angus wolfed down his second breakfast, Taako found the spots behind his ears, where a particular nerve cluster could be stimulated to tell Angus’ raging instincts, Not Yet.

Angus relaxed so much he could have melted if he didn’t have bones. He leaned against his adopted Papa and began to purr.

Taako purred in response, sending a Fantasy Text to all the people who were expecting him to do shit today. Family emergency. Everything’s cancelled.

After that was done, his son had Taako’s undivided attention.

*

Angus woke in the cuddle cote. Warm, comfortable, and oddly exhausted. Papa was nearby and Angus wasn’t exactly inclined to let him go, just yet.

“Well done,” said Papa. “That’s a twenty-four hour pain in the ass over and done with for probably a decade. Good to know the humanman side of things eased it up for ya.”

Papa had forty-eight hours of instinctual overdrive followed by lazy lull. Angus had heard of Elves who suffered, and made the world around them suffer, for a full three days. Papa had the extra un-bonus of an unpredictable, erratic cycle that hit like a truck.

Angus tried to remember what he’d done. He rolled a one. “What’d I do?”

“Oh, you had an easy time, baby. It’s cool. I got to your ‘off switch’ so you slept through most of it. You had some good food, I watched a lot of Fantasy Netflix. What’s not to love?”

“Mmmh,” Angus wasn’t inclined to move. “Feel like I’ve been running a marathon.”

“Yeah, that’s what it does.” Taako offered him a straw attached to an enormous bottle of gator-aid. “Drink this shit. It really helps.”

It did. Angus could feel his brain revving back up to its full potential once more. “I have a whole decade before I go through this again, right? It’d be legal for me to… youknow… with someone.”

“Anywhere between five and ten years. The human side fucks a lot of shit up with your genes, baby boy.” Taako ruffled his hair. “And if you can’t say it, you definitely ain’t ready.”

A different kind of flush invaded Angus’ face. “…probably,” he allowed. “Did I go all… Cave-Elf? Like you do?”

“You had more vocab than me f'r sure. I had Lup cook up a bunch of those condition-adding muffins I used to feed you when you were tiny. You want?”

He was suddenly craving them, now. “That’d be lovely. Warm and with butter and cream?”

“And a steak for after.” Taako wriggled free. “You stay down. Your family’s got’cher back.”

“Good…” Angus yawned. It felt like a good nights’ sleep and some fortified meals were the best thing for him. “Good Papa…”

[AN: Found it! Things be FUBAR’ed so this is the real one. I need to think about this one because I promised my Tumbl into TAZ readers that nothing would be NSFW]

“Sir? I don’t feel so good…”

It was a definite bad sign when Angus referred to Taako as ‘sir’. He hadn’t done that for half a century or more. Definitely when he was mostly-grown and it finally sunk in that he had a place to belong. Taako put down his cooking and washed and dried his hands.

Angus was– what? Seventy? Eighty? He knew being half-elven screwed things up, sometimes. The human side demanded things go quickly, whilst the Elven side wanted to chill.

“Awright, kiddo. Gimmie the symptoms list,” Taako felt his brow. Warm to the point of hot. He was feverish. Flushed cheeks. Dilated pupils… Uh oh.

“I feel real restless,” said Angus. “Like I want something, but it’s not here. Everything is wrong.”

Taako took a deep inhale of Angus’ scent. It had changed up to be abnormally appealing. It triggered Taako’s more intensive needs to care for this child of his. Fortunately, he made the will save to resist his stronger instincts. “Hungry?” Taako guessed.

“Starving.” Angus looked pained and he looked around the kitchen for the undefinable. “I know I just had breakfast, but I want… I want more…”

“Luume,” said Taako. “We knew it was coming.”

“I’m only seventy-five…”

Good thing one of them was keeping track of this business. “Yeah, and it could have come on at fifty, when you were still on the weedy side.” Taako slid across something high-calorie and easy to consume, which Angus fell on. “It’s okay. Papa’s got’cha.”

As Angus wolfed down his second breakfast, Taako found the spots behind his ears, where a particular nerve cluster could be stimulated to tell Angus’ raging instincts, Not Yet.

Angus relaxed so much he could have melted if he didn’t have bones. He leaned against his adopted Papa and began to purr.

Taako purred in response, sending a Fantasy Text to all the people who were expecting him to do shit today. Family emergency. Everything’s cancelled.

After that was done, his son had Taako’s undivided attention.

*

Angus woke in the cuddle cote. Warm, comfortable, and oddly exhausted. Papa was nearby and Angus wasn’t exactly inclined to let him go, just yet.

“Well done,” said Papa. “That’s a twenty-four hour pain in the ass over and done with for probably a decade. Good to know the humanman side of things eased it up for ya.”

Papa had forty-eight hours of instinctual overdrive followed by lazy lull. Angus had heard of Elves who suffered, and made the world around them suffer, for a full three days. Papa had the extra un-bonus of an unpredictable, erratic cycle that hit like a truck.

Angus tried to remember what he’d done. He rolled a one. “What’d I do?”

“Oh, you had an easy time, baby. It’s cool. I got to your ‘off switch’ so you slept through most of it. You had some good food, I watched a lot of Fantasy Netflix. What’s not to love?”

“Mmmh,” Angus wasn’t inclined to move. “Feel like I’ve been running a marathon.”

“Yeah, that’s what it does.” Taako offered him a straw attached to an enormous bottle of gator-aid. “Drink this shit. It really helps.”

It did. Angus could feel his brain revving back up to its full potential once more. “I have a whole decade before I go through this again, right? It’d be legal for me to… youknow… with someone.”

“Anywhere between five and ten years. The human side fucks a lot of shit up with your genes, baby boy.” Taako ruffled his hair. “And if you can’t say it, you definitely ain’t ready.”

A different kind of flush invaded Angus’ face. “…probably,” he allowed. “Did I go all… Cave-Elf? Like you do?”

“You had more vocab than me f'r sure. I had Lup cook up a bunch of those condition-adding muffins I used to feed you when you were tiny. You want?”

He was suddenly craving them, now. “That’d be lovely. Warm and with butter and cream?”

“And a steak for after.” Taako wriggled free. “You stay down. Your family’s got’cher back.”

“Good…” Angus yawned. It felt like a good nights’ sleep and some fortified meals were the best thing for him. “Good Papa…”

I’m pretty sure I did this one before [IDK though?] but the use of ‘they’ is thoroughly approved, especially if you can’t wrap your head around ze/hir.

I fully support the use of Singular They. I understand some of the new neutral pronouns can be tricky, and ‘they’ is already established.

So, yes. Use They.

“Listen,” Taako had explained. “It’s the last place they’d look because it’s the first place anyone would look. I got my wards refreshed and nobody is entering the grounds without prior permission. Hell, even the delivery guy knows to use the mailbox of translocation.”

It was with that moment that Agatha knew that all her other objections would be trampled over in the same rough-shod manner. The Treehouse, as the extended family called it, was Taako’s country retreat. He paid some locals to look after the place when he was off doing other things and, as near as Agatha could tell, it was still a fixer-upper.

Lightning had hit the upper branches at some point and shapers were still coming by to train the wild limbs into something like the tree’s original state. Just as others were re-training the wilderness of the estate grounds into the farm it used to be. All things considered, re-taming the riding deer was easy-going.

So far, only the three lowest levels had been modernised. The whole place was a work in progress. Labyrinthine, too, with hundreds of ways to escape and confusing passageways that took years to memorise. In other words, typical Elven architecture when the entire species was used to Elfism cropping up every three hundred years or so.

Taako’s cats took to it like ducklings to water, vanishing into the Elven Air Vents and hunting down vermin like they’d been born there. Agatha, on the other hand, had her doubts. Especially now that Taako was threading a grass bracelet with a wooden bead onto her wrist. The bead was Hazelwood, a common arcane channeling material, and a sigil had been inscribed onto the plain tan bead.

“What the fuck is this?”

“This is sort of adopting you into the family,” said Taako. “New children to the house get these. The wards won’t attack you, and if you’re scared, the willow lights will lead you to a place of comfort and security.”

“Willow. Lights.” Agatha repeated. “I’m sorry, Taako, but I’ve never heard of willow lights.”

“Think of your Uncle Fuckup for five seconds.”

His actual name was Phandro, and he was a powerful enough crime lord to strike at Agatha from within prison. Which was why she was in hiding in the first place. As her heart rate accelerated, a small, friendly-shaped form faded into existence. Beckoning her towards one of the many nooks in this house.

“How do you think the legends of will o’ the wisps got started? You better follow it before it sounds an alarm to your in loco parental.”

Agatha followed it to a comfy nook that lit up as she entered. Cosy pillows and comfort food and a little commode space and, once Taako showed her, the knowledge that there was a secret way out. She relaxed and the willow light winked out.

Taako was grinning. “We’re still restoring most of the old place, so the higher you go, the more likely it is you’ll find guarderobes and cobwebs and expired runes.”

“Why are they called ‘willow lights’?” Agatha asked, grasping for the straws of distraction. “This tree’s a Mountain Ygdrasi.”

“You already know the answer, you just want a conversation to keep your mind off things,” said Taako, seeing right through her. “Don’t worry about it. Our husbands are on the case and half the family is backup. We won’t even have to worry about where you can squeeze through.”

Because she was also five months pregnant with her first kid. Taako kept insisting it was twins despite ample evidence to the contrary. A family goof. “Yeah. A long, boring conversation about Elven history is just what I need to go to sleep right now.”

Taako summoned an Invisible Servant to bring a proper meal for her (all the healthy things, of course) and started regaling her about the long, proud history of Elven kind. Starting with how the first tribe-houses were willows, owing to their proximity to clean water.

Agatha was out like a light before she was quite done with dessert.

A sudden siren woke her. It was dark and the only light  came from the runes. Mismatched eyes glowing in the gloom were open in panic. “Down the hatch, Aggie. They’re here.”

Agatha didn’t waste time arguing. She pressed the little hidden trigger that opened the hidden hatch. This particular passage was made for elderly Elves and thus made to accomodate a lowered dexterity score. She was grateful for that, and the beckoning figure that lead her through twisting passages.

She could hear random sounds. Voices of her family. Spells firing off. Agatha crawled faster through the twisting tunnels. Finally emerging in a cobweb-ridden cavern that had its own ululating howl. The only light was from the willow light and her bracelet. Carved figures in the walls scowled at her and unseen beasts skittered in the darkness.

“Intruder!” A ghostly Elf manifested out of a statue. “Intruder!”

Behind them was Uncle Phandro. He had a crossbow. Agatha tensed…

A loud rumble shook the entire place. An impossible rumble, because it was Taako purring and gently shaking her. “Hey. Hey, Aggie. Hey. Hey. You’re okay. It’s okay. It’s just a dream. Come on back.”

There was a willow light jiggling up and down above her. Saying something in Elven that could have parsed for ‘intruder’ in Common. It faded out as she came back to reality. The runes glowed around her, and Taako turned up the fairy lights that gave the midnight darkness more shape.

“You with me now, Aggie? Know where you are?”

“I’m in the safe cote. I’m safe with you. That… that was a nightmare.” She couldn’t let go of Taako, just yet. Her fingers dug into his hair and clothing and flesh alike. She couldn’t stop shaking. She couldn’t stop crying.

Taako rubbed her back as he purred. “It’s okay,” he soothed. “It’s just a dream. You’re safe. Krav and Agnes are safe. Maggie and Merlot and Lup and Barold are out hunting them all down. It’s good. It’s good.” He disengaged one of her hands and guided it to a soft shape in the darkness. Neopolitan, the cuddle slut cat. She, too, started purring up a storm as Agatha flexed her fingers in the cat’s fur.

Neapolitan started kneading Agatha’s thigh, and little is realer than a cat making biscuits in squishy portions of one’s anatomy.

Taako held her long past the point where she stopped shaking, stopped crying, and stopped breathing so raggedly.

“I think I’m awake for a few more hours, yet,” she sighed. Think you’ll let me in your kitchen for eggs the safe way and some steak?”

“And some non-caffeinated tea,” added Taako. “Hot tea always helps you chill.”

The lights came up to pre-dawn levels of imitation twilight. It was fuck-off in the morning and the cats had the run of the house. The hearth made for cauldrons had been replaced with a Fantasy Aga that ran off the methane from the root system septic tank that also fed the tree. Nothing was wasted.

A cat or two had to be ousted so Taako could begin putting on the kettle and heating up a frypan. The warmth, the cats, and the gentle sounds of another being helped ground her. That, and the sensations of a McDonald-to-be kicking the living spit out of her liver.

Taako lit a few more lamps and warm light began to colour in an ancient kitchen. Generations of Elves had once cooked here. There was even a nook by the chimney for babies and sickly children to be near their parentals as they busied themselves with food. One of the near-feral cats had taken it over for her kittens.

Taako pressed a warm muffin into her hands while he prepared everything else. This was his way of showing love. Food, nicknames, and physical closeness. Agatha soaked them all up and returned his casual caresses with some of her own.

Just like the feral cats that lived here before Taako moved in, she too was being tamed. She, too, was getting used to a parental figure who was gentle and caring and, though a little broken in his own way, actively trying to be better every day.

“I’ve decided,” she said as Taako clattered about with eggs and kettles and frypans and teapots. “I’m going to try and be like you and Kravitz. You guys are way better parents than mine ever were.”

Taako “got something in his eye” for twenty whole minutes after that announcement. “Silly meldanel,” he said. “Makin’ me get stuff in my eye.”

Agatha decided not to tell him that she knew what that meant. He wasn’t ready, yet. All the same, it felt nice to be part of a better family.

[AN: Meldanel - “beloved daughter”, thanks to elfdict.com]