“I mean… yeah. Sure. We always argue about stupid stuff. It’s a thing.” Lup shrugged. Trying to act casual about just… not having her brother there. These interviews had to be conducted one on one. Captain evaluating potential crew. She hadn’t thought talking to a rather young Gnome would be intimidating, but there she was. Nervous about talking to a man who needed a booster seat to see over his desk.
“So. Why do you need Taako to be part of this crew? What does he bring that can’t be supplied by any other crewmember?”
His right hand in my left, she thought, but couldn’t say out loud. That was too brief. Too glib. Too easily missed by such a stern and dour man who looked like he’d never had a friend nor a happy thought in his life. He hadn’t had anyone like Taako, that was for sure.
He’d never had…
The someone who was always there. The rock of reliability in seas of uncertainty. The one person she could always turn to. Even in the living hell of Saint Vingo’s, he had been there for her. Always.
He’d never had…
A brother at age five, usually timid of anyone else, shielding her from Mr Bingbong as he drunkenly capered about in the Tre Llew-Ddion streets. Picking up a chunk of hard, mouldy cheese that had been thrown at them mere moments before, and flung it towards the drunk clown with the sad umbrella. She’d followed suit after three such throws, laughing as Mr Bingbong turned and squeaked miserably away.
He’d never had…
Instant acceptance at age ten, when she told him in secret, and then told the world when she defended her identity against some bigger, older kids. When the news had reached their mother, he was an eager font of ideas on how to scratch together one thousand gold pieces worth of gemstones when they could barely keep a copper piece between them. He’d never had someone who worked so hard for so long to help when there was pain like that for every day of existence.
He’d never had…
Someone else purring in her ear to ground her when the nightmares came. Someone to gather herbs and medicines when it was just them on the road. Someone’s shoulder to cry on. Someone’s warmth to share. Someone to warn her of a bad idea. Someone who could sell pig dung to farmers like it was precious gems…
Lup thought long and hard about everything she loved about her brother. How he could sell ice to frost giants. Thought hard about what he’d say to sell her to this stern and stoic man. Then she thought about what he’d want her to say about him.
She took a deep breath. Began with his favourite word. “Listen…” she said. “I may say the words ‘dumb baby brother’ about Taako, but that’s like, a joke on the universe. You’ve seen our test scores, you know he’s not an idiot. Hell, I’m not even sure if he made mistakes on purpose ‘cause he knew I wanted to get in. He’s–” my entire heart. If you take him away from me, I will be a soulless shell. No. Don’t say that. “There’s been entire decades when Taako’s the only reason I got up in the morning, you know? He– We’re twins. You know what that means for Elves?”
“I’m familiar with the superstitions. It’s bad luck to separate twins. They’re two bodies with one soul… all that nonsense.”
Gods it was a fight not to get angry. “For us… it’s almost true. We’re…” Deep breaths, and don’t incinerate the nice man with his finger on the button of your future, Lulu… “You’ve got all our records. You know we didn’t always wash up in nice places.”
“Saint Vingo’s stands out,” he said. “It always does.”
He knew. He’d read all about it. Yet here he was, giving them a chance. “Places like that… have a lasting effect. Without Taako by my side, I’d…” wither away to nothing… “He’s like… all of my impulse control, now. Saint Vingo’s is where I lost the last of my patience for anything. I’m… I’m his sense of restraint. Like, sometimes, he’ll go off on a really terrible idea, and I have to stop him because - he won’t. He stops me. We’re each other’s brakes.” Well. That was this job down the tubes. “He’s my up when I’m down. I’m his warmth when he’s cold. We have a joke, together. As a pair? We make one functional Elf. We’re a team. We’ve been a team since forever.”
He was taking notes. “Mm-hm…”
“We were born holding hands. We’re a team. We’re unit. We’re a package deal. Double or nothing, Captain. And if you need me to tell you how good he is or why you need him and me?” All or nothing. Do or die. There were no grey areas any more. She’d had enough of grey in Saint Vingo’s. “You can just fuck right off to hell.”
She marched right out of there without giving him any form of comeback opportunity. Only imagining her entire future burning to ashes. All the way back to the little place she shared with her brother. Head high, as if she hadn’t just destroyed every single hope she’d had of every having her best dream come true.
She kept her appearances up all the way in to their pokey little living room, where Taako had baked a cake. It was shaped like the ship still under construction, sailing off towards the sky. A tiny fondant likeness stood on the prow, one arm raised and pointing the way. There was a banner across the wall that red, Congrats Captain Lup!
That was when she broke. He hadn’t even put a fondant Taako on that ship. He knew. He fucking knew… He knew they were angling to leave him out of the expedition. Already. That was when she broke.
Taako was wrapped around her in instants. Listening to her incoherent howling about how she’d fucked it up for both of them. “Hey, hey, hey,” he cooed, “I’m the debbie downer in this duo. Stop stealin’ my act. We always knew you were goin’ and -hey- it’s just two months. I’m sure I can survive that long. Taako’s good out here.”
She sighed. “Nah. I fucked it for both of us.”
Taako leaned over the cake, turning the fondant figure around and then changing her hand to giving the entire ship the finger. “Eh, so you get to be captain of the next one. I get to be two eye see. Who needs those losers, right? Remember whats-her-face? Didn’t know we were twins for like two months?”
Lup snorted, pushing him away. “You butt-waffle.”
“If I’m a butt-waffle, you’re an ass-erole.”
He was her ability to laugh when she was feeling her worst. They had cake anyway. And the biggest surprise of their lives when the captain put the both of them on his short list the next morning.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 11]
[Be sure to visit internutter (dot) org for details on how to support this artist]
Patience is a virtue, tho’ it makes you jump through hoops,
Seldom seen in Humans, and never seen in Lup – A Taako Original.
Life was rarely fair for the twins. Take birthdays. Lup always managed to have hers celebrated, but -thanks to a small matter of forty-five minutes edging into the first four minutes of the next day- Taako inevitably missed out. Lup, as the first-born, was legally entitled to whatever their missing family could provide her. If an inheritance had ever really been in the offing, Taako would have got the scraps.
He was ninety percent of her impulse control, and the harbinger of doom who had always managed to pull her out of some situation her usual recklessness had got her into. He was her back-up, her confidante, her loyal second… her entire heart. She might have been the smart and outgoing one, but Taako always managed to form the bonds with the most meaning. He had the keenest eye and the shrewdest mind for finding new directions to take. That brother of hers could salvage a con gone sour with very little in the way of warning.
Which was why she was leafing through Taako’s cookbooks while he was out looking for interesting ingredients. Looking for a recipe to help add a balm to his battered soul.
They were one hundred and forty-seven. They had been one hundred and forty-seven for thirty years so far, and it showed no sign of coming to an end. He had put up with so much shit in that time, not the least of which was watching her die so often. The first time that happened, he’d just… collapsed[1]. He hadn’t dealt any better with it the other six times.
Not like she’d done any better, watching him die twice during those years. The first time, she’d gone on a rampage of vengeance. Literally blazing a path of destruction across that suck-ass reality that, only in retrospect, she had not been proud of. The other time… The other time she’d followed him into the metaphorical grinder, not seeing a worth to her life if he wasn’t in it.
Which was just one reason upon thousands why she was searching through his recipes. She wanted to surprise him with one of his favourites. Cooked by her own hand. Because food was one thing they had in common, because it was his birthday, because she wanted to apologise for the last time she’d died, because food was one of the thousands of ways of saying ‘I love you’. Good food, especially, between the two of them.
She owed him much more than that, of course; but this was a good start.
The best way to find the best-loved recipes in any cookbook was to look for the one with the most stains. She knew Taako had a whole mouth full of sweet tooths -sweet teeth?- so picked out some of the stickiest pages in there. Sure, many of the ingredients of the original recipes weren’t around any more, but Taako was thorough. In every dimension, he insisted on finding the best substitutes he could and jotting them down. Thus, the books became a near-indecipherable mess that Lucretia attempted to sort out once every decade.
Heer dear, darling, paranoid obsessive brother had one clear favourite that didn’t involve trucking around half of this reality to get the ingredients. He called it a Fruity Tuity and it was somewhere between a figgy duff and a plum pudding. Typical Taako, it involved four kinds of sweetening and -yikes- Fifty-seven steps. Sixty, if you included the time spent soaking it in rum or honey mead, and putting unfinished steps into the cold box to chill.
Two days prep? Fuck that noise.
Surely, there’s a few steps I can skip to speed this thing along a smidge…
*
It had been a long, tiring, and somewhat fun day. Taako returned with his prizes - ninety percent ingredients, ten percent fashion, and some weird shit that was probably unique to this particular reality that might be useful at some later date. He ignored Maggie complaining behind him.
“…why I have to be your beast of burden,” he was whining. “I mean, it’s not like any of it is really heavy, so much, as it’s… awkward…”
Taako sniffed the air. There was sugar, and rum… and… “Dragonfruit?”
Lup appeared with the multiverse’s fakest grin on her face. Which was smeared with flour, syrup, and something looking remarkably like soot. She was wearing an apron that was similarly besmirched. “Taako… You’re early…”
“It’s getting late, actually.” He sniffed the air again. Charcoal? “Lulu, have you been fucking up my kitchen?”
“Me? Fuck up your kitchen? Hahaha! I know better than to make a mess in our kitchen, brother-dear.” Oh shit. Something had gone mega terri-bad. That ‘brother-dear’ was a dead give-away. “I was just tryin’a -youknow- arrange a little surprise for your birthday…”
“Uh… why’d you borrow my apron, there, sis?”
“So I thought I’d just whip up one of your faves…”
“That ain’t aromatic smoke in the air, goofus.”
“…and I might have had a few technical issues…”
“What the fuck did you do, Lulu?” Taako dumped his share of the shopping bags on the handiest patch of floor, sailing down the spiral stairs that lead into the mess.
In this case - the literal mess. This was three times worse than the last time they’d done a fuck-it-let’s-cook-literally-everything gourmet extravaganza because Merle owed them a month of washing up. It was worse than the time Barold attempted to cook the whole crew dinner, which was -by no co-incidence at all- the last time anyone insisted on sharing duties on the Starblaster.
It was worse than the time Maggie burned the Spaghetti and attempted to make up for it with pancakes. Which he also burned. And got stuck to the ceiling.
“Oh my sweet merciful gods…”
“It isn’t as bad as it looks?” said Lup.
“YES IT FUCKING IS!” Taako gestured at the wreckage. “What the fuck were you trying to make?”
“I thought you might like a Fruity Tuity?” She edged past him to release the valve on the pressure cooker.
“…in the presh-pot…”
“I figured it didn’t need to be as complicated as you set it out if I approached it with logic and science on my side–”
“…oh gods, no…” Taako moaned. “The nerdlord’s infected you.”
“Nonsense, Koko. It’s going to be fine. So I was a little bit more creative than usual. So what? No progress without experimentation and this–” she opened the lid at last and took a peek. “–is… not… what I expected.”
Her face said it all. All her best-laid plans, attempts at improv, and possibly five pounds of wasted ingredients had come to naught. Taako peeked anyway.
“Yeesh. Looks like the results of the last time Merle tried to cook.” And by that, he meant the diarrhea. “Is that one of my good pudding cloths?”
Lup was aghast. She knew the ships’ rule. You fuck it up, you’re eating it. “I’m so sorry, Koko…”
“Maybe next time follow all the instructions, hm?”
Maggie, meanwhile, had taken a spoonful to sample. “Mmm. Crunchy.”
“It’s not s’posed’a be crunchy!” Lup wailed.
They were gonna have to send out for pizza and ice cream before they even thought of cleaning up after this one.
[1] See The Worst Year, as chronicled by yours truly.
You had to know where to look for it. You had to know it was there in the first place to even know where to look for it. So naturally the band of Reclaimers known to all as Tres Horny Bois found it in under a minute. It only took them that long because Merle had to be pried out of the gardening section.
Some places have a discrete curtain between Adult interests and the rest of the store. Some places have a door that’s guarded by a big burly bloke named ‘Bubba’, who has four-letter words tattooed across his knuckles. In classier establishments, Bubba’s tattoos are even spelled correctly.
Here, however, the inner sanctum of naughty things is guarded by: an illusory display of Fantasy Furbies (cursed), a hallway of cunning traps, pitfalls, poison spikes and approximately five magical golems, seven interesting puzzles depending on illogic, irrational behaviour, and a certain amount of really stupid decision-making skills.
Naturally, Garfield - or one of his Prime Material Plane Physical Manifestations - is always waiting for them when they enter.
The less said about Merle’s Arbor Ardour, the better. Let’s just say that there’s a surprisingly healthy collection of books about vines, greenery, and the use of fertilizer. Fantasy Chuck Tingle has written most of them.
As for the other two…
“TUSK LOVE TWO: THE LOVE OF THE WARRIOR WOMAN,” said Garfield. “THAT SEEMS TO BE A FAVOURITE OF YOURS. PERHAPS YOU’D LIKE TO BUY INSTEAD OF RENTING?”
Someone behind the shelves, perhaps wearing a two-foot pointy hat, snorted.
“Shaddup…” Magnus said out the side of his mouth. “There’s other people here.”
“YOU ROOM WITH THEM, THEY SHOULD KNOW EVERYTHING BY NOW.”
“Yahbut… you don’t gotta shout from the rooftops or anything…”
“MY SILENCE COSTS EXTRA, MY GOOD MAN.”
Magnus grumbled an paid for the rental of Tusk Love 2. Then slunk back out the entrance like someone who had committed a crime.
Merle didn’t even bother. Nobody wanted to hear about his personal proclivities and Garfield didn’t want to announce them, either.
Taako was smart enough to wait until everyone else was gone before ponying up to the counter with his selection. Nevertheless, it startled the deals warlock.
“THIS?” said Garfield. “THIS IS A VERY PECULIAR SELECTION, SIR…”
“I know it,” said Taako. “How much to rent it?”
“I’M SURPRISED WE HAD IT AT ALL. I DON’T THINK IT’S MOVED OFF THE SHELVES IN YEARS.”
“Then it should be cheap,” said Taako. “And since it won’t be missed, how about I borrow it for a month?”
Garfield looked at the cover of the boxed set. Then back up to the smiling, seemingly unintelligent face of his customer. Nobody could be as stupid as he seemed… He checked the case, all present and correct. No illusions, no sneaky bullshit. Nothing.
Finally, he shrugged and rang it up. Far be it for him to dictate what got people through the night.
He still had to wonder what the hell Taako found so raunchy about Homesteader Hubbies.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 8]
[Be sure to visit internutter (dot) org for details on how to support this artist]
Enter Jon Arbuckle - a regular loser in a regular town who sees absolutely nothing wrong with talking to his cat. The man in question has been the sole individual to hear his cat talking back for some significant amount of years, but that’s not the problem, today. Today, there’s something a little bit more unusual about his favourite feline. For starters, there’s been a substitution…
“You know, Garfield; after all these years trying to convince you not to eat my lasagna, I figured it’d be easier just to make two.”
Instead of the expected - his cat taking both and eating them in seconds - the figure on the counter was not the domestic orange tabby he expected. He was larger, for a start. He was wearing clothing, also. Most concerning, though, was the very, very wide smile.
“THAT’S A VERY NICE OFFER, SWEETHEART, BUT I’M TEMPORARILY OUT OF ITEMS TO TRAAAAADE.”
“You’re… not… Garfield?”
“I COULD TELL YOU I MOST ASSUREDLY AM, BUT I GET THE SENSATION THAT YOU WERE EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE. TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT, PERHAPS WE CAN MAKE A DEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLLLL…”
Meanwhile, in a totally different planar system…
Three adventurers looked down at the large ginger tabby curled up with a teddy bear behind the counter.
“Do… you think maybe he went on a diet?”
“I’m pretty sure that’s just a regular cat,” said Merle.
“Gee willikers, Fantasy Tintin, what was your first fucking clue?” said Taako. True Seeing and Detect Magic both told him that (a) this was not quite a regular cat and (b) there were some extraplanar shenanigans going on. “Anyone got Speak to Animals?”
“I could–” volunteered Merle.
“Absolutely not. You’re gross enough with the plant kingdom, Dad. Silencio on that fucking noise.” He dug out his telepathic band and thought gently at the cat. Hey there, amigo. Don’t wanna alarm you, but you’re not where you belong.
The cat blinked. Yawned and stretched. Sat up and scratched himself in a very Human way. Either it’s a Monday or I’m dreaming super realistically…
“Wrong on both counts,” said Taako, strictly for the benefit of his teammates. “I think it’s a weekend, and definitely not a dream.”
“Well, there’s a line in a song that says you’re wrong,” said Magnus.
Things tended to escalate from that point onwards.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 7]
[Be sure to visit internutter (dot) org for details on how to support this artist]
They grow up so fast. Allegedly. They say that Elves mature at the same rate as humans, but that is not quite so. Elves don’t have growth spurts, but rather slowly progress at a steady pace from infancy to something close to their adult forms.
According to their parents, they shoot up overnight. According to outside observers, they keep pace with their Human counterparts until roughly their mid-teens. That’s when the final progress of Elven growth slows down over the remaining eighty-some years until their official entrance into the adult world.
Humans used to say that it took special training to tell an underaged Elf from a grown one. That was before a lot of vitally necessary education regarding some of the more subtle indicators of an Elf’s age. All of this meant that Sazed had no business approaching Koko during his afternoon work in the local bodega.
“Excuse me,” he said. “I was documenting daily life in the urban landscape and I accidentally got you in the shot.”
“Walkway needs sweeping m’dude,” said Koko, never stopping.
“No, no. That’s not a complaint. Look.” He showed the image on his camera, which looked almost like something by a renaissance painter. With the clouds of dust and the light streaming through them and Koko, in the middle of it, looking like some diving being with the light shining in his golden hair. “You look so beautiful, here. You could be a model.”
Koko smiled in spite of himself. So far, only his moms had called him beautiful. Even his sister said he was the ugly one and they were identical. “Aw, that’s sweet of you. And a good pic. Pity I’m not paid enough to buy a print.”
“Oh, I’m not selling,” he said. “I’m Sazed Baker, and I was hoping to hire you.”
Koko brayed laughing. “For reals? Me?”
“Sure. You can start by signing this release form so I can put this picture in my art book.” Sazed offered a reasonably thick sheaf of paperwork. “This is boilerplate stuff. Permission to use and reproduce this image as an unpaid civilian, bla bla bla. Everyone has to sign it. It’s horseshit. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“Uuuhh… I have to run this by my moms…”
Sazed appeared shocked. “Come on… we’re both men of the world. You don’t really need your mommy’s approval for everything do you?”
“Legally yeah. I’m like sixteen.”
“Sixteen? You? I’d never have guessed. I had guessed you were way older.”
Koko blushed. “Yeah? How old?”
Lulu appeared like a demon or an avenging angel. “Boss says stop standing around and looking pretty. Your turn in the stockroom.”
“Aw, Lulu…”
*
Lulu didn’t like the guy that Koko was already stupid in love with. Much though she’d never admit to loving her brother, he had a tendency to fall into love like the KT meteor into the Yucatan. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings about Sazed but…
There was something hinky about him.
Which was why she pulled Aunt Sno into the kitchen for some hushed and urgent girl talk while Koko continued to wax lyrical about his favourite topic - Sazed.
“You know how you’re always telling me to watch out for guys?” said Lulu. “You should have been warning Koko. This dude? Sazed? He might be like a semi-famous photographer and shit but… some of the stuff he says? Some of the stuff he does? I get hackles like anything.”
“I did try to warn Koko,” said Aunt Sno, sipping at her semi-eternal cup of coffee. “Some people just can’t be told.”
“I caught them in the stairwell last night, kissing. And it wasn’t what you’d call an innocent kiss. It’s like…” she groped for the correct reference frame. Her moms kissed like they were giving their hearts to each other. Angus and Agatha kissed like they were each others’ water in the desert. “You know those old movies where the guy kisses the girl to shut her up and you always yell about it? That. And Koko always melts like warm butter.”
“Okay, that’s a borderline thing, I can’t really–”
“His hands went inside Koko’s clothes, I swear.”
Aunt Sno nodded. “That, I can investigate. I know the right questions to ask a victim. Don’t stress, okay? I’ve been looking out for you two since your mother…” She didn’t say, Fell victim to a plague and left you as orphans. That was unspoken history by now. Including the part that made Aunt Sno technically the twins’ sister.
Lulu fixed up some snackabobs that would distract Koko. They were all used to Sno’s lines of questioning and knew all her tells by now. Keeping Koko from picking up those lines was part of her job at this point. All part of protecting Koko from what felt really, really hinky and gross.
*
Koko felt like he could fly. Sazed loved him and wanted to share him with the world. Show everyone how beautiful Koko was.
It was like a game. Wear this, pose like that. He got to wear makeup and had people styling his hair and he felt like a superstar and, after a particularly good shot, Sazed would kiss him and it felt like magic.
Which was why it was such a shock when Aunt Sno burst into the studio with a whole dang task force. Some of them landed on Sazed. Some of them landed on the hair and makeup people. One of them wrapped Koko up in a big cloak and took him out of the building and into a counselling room.
That was when he felt like an idiot because they showed him what Sazed had been doing. For every artistic shot that Sazed showed Koko, there were like twenty that were…
Gross…
Pornographic.
They even read out and interpreted the contracts that Sazed said were ‘boilerplate’. They were gross consent forms to acquiesce to ownership. They were illegal, of course, but Sazed could have used them at a later time to make Koko think that he was property.
All of which would be evidence in court.
Koko didn’t know when his family turned up, but gods, he was glad they were there. Moms and twin sister clustered around and held him safe as he sobbed. He spent what felt like forever repeating, “I loved him…” over and over.
He’d never questioned why the artists working on him were all older men. He’d never wondered about any of the poses or the wardrobe or… anything.
“You were right,” he finally murmured to Lulu. “I’m an idiot.”
“I’m sorry I said that Koko,” she said. “You’re not an idiot just ‘cause some nasty old man had you fooled. He said things you wanted to hear. He was running a con.”
When Sazed came down, he was in handcuffs, and bruises were on his face and arms. He’d been stupid enough to try and fight his way out.
Koko had a good run-up, and kneed him square in the crotch. “YOU ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!”
“That’s assault,” said someone in the periphery.
“I didn’t see anything,” Aunt Sno glared at the speaker. “And neither did you.”
The gigantic ass had poisoned him against any kind of love in his future. He had to be careful and wary about anyone he liked from that day on. He couldn’t trust. not outside his family. Not for years.
Aunt Sno provided regular updates. He was in solitary for his own protection. His court date was incrementally delayed because they had to find a lawyer who even wanted to defend him. Someone shanked him in prison. He was no longer allowed to have cameras.
Koko could feel a little better knowing that that man would spend the rest of his life in a box without touching anyone, eating nothing but pre-packaged food because so many people wanted to kill him and poison looked like the best way to do it.
Sazed would never reach fame. His published photo journals were burned. Only a handful were kept as relics in sealed archives. So that others would learn how to spot anyone like him in the future.
Koko spent a decade dying his hair so that he wouldn’t look like the famous “Angel Sweeping” photo, which was everywhere with, or without context. Waiting for the world to forget him as he grew a shell around his heart and a cynical sting to his world view.
He would never trust anyone who started a conversation about how beautiful he was. Never again.
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 8]
[Be sure to visit internutter (dot) org for details on how to support this artist]
- strawberry: favorite desserts?
I am a chronic sweet tooth, so anything with loads of sugar in it has my vote. Salted Caramel Anything generally gets my attention on any menu. Since I’m on the Keto, sugar of all kinds is verbotten territory unless it’s a feast day, so I go for the biggest hit in the least amount of time.
That said, I’m also a sucker for the finer things in life. Lindt chocolate, Guillian - those seashell hazelnut praline things, Ferrero Roche’s and Jersey Caramels :D There’s also a brand of boysenberry ripple ice cream out my way that’s just The Bomb. Yummo.
- cherry: can you play any musical instruments or can you sing?
My immediate family says ‘no’ to both. The meanies. I have been told by more distant relatives that I have a decent singing voice. If anything, my desire to imitate the original version I heard probably lets me down. I’m middle of the road, vocally, so the high notes and the low notes get me in the end.
[Boy, someone’s having fun…]
- tangelo: if you could be any mythical creature, which would you be?
I want to be a Dragon, but I’d probably wind up as a Kobold if I tried it.
- watermelon: do you have a job? if so, what is your job title?
I am, alas, not on anyone’s payrolls. I don’t even earn enough from my writing to call it a job.
- blackberry: is your life an action film, a comedy, a romantic comedy, or drama?
In my darker moments, I suspect my life is a sitcom and I’m the writers’ butt monkey. I’m probably closer to one of those artsy films where they take you into Imagination Land for a good 50% of the screen time.
- mango: what is your trademark?
The ability to say things sideways in such a way as to alienate my readers. And starting sentences with ‘and’… and a love of the ellipsis…
- pineapple: sexual orientation?
Panromantic demisexy [and slightly obtuse. You have to have a big, glittery sign that says, “I’M FLIRTING WITH YOU” and even then I will notice the glitter before reading it]
- kiwi: what’s something that fascinates you?
I always return to murder most foul. How they did it, if they got away with it, what forensics can teach us about how to capture them etc etc. I can’t stay away from that shit.
- peach: do you have any piercings or tattoos?
I have two traditional ear piercings and I once gave myself an accidental tattoo with a gun. (semi-long story)
- raspberry: favourite flower?
Jacarandas, frangipanis, and those carnation-like things that change colour [I think they’re called “Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow” but it’s been literal years]
- coconut: favorite perfume?
Beloved once purchased a perfume that smells exactly like spun sugar. That one.
Until Agnes was born, Angus only had one weakness: Agatha’s lips. His mighty brain tended to fuzz out in loopy inebriation brought on by sappy infatuation. In brief, the lady had him twitterpated.
Not that he was complaining too hard.
In fact, from all evidence available, he actively sought out the sensation. Which mystefied Taako a little bit because those reporter’s lips managed to fritz that genius noggin right the fuck out.
“Good work today,” said Agatha, standing on her tip toes to smooch Angus’ cheek. “You were brilliant.”
“Hee hee hee hur hur hur,” Angus managed, his dark skin turning ruddier. “Aw tha-a-anks…” He was lost in the giggles until Agatha was well out of the situation room. By the time he recovered his usual verbal capabilities, she could no longer hear his, “I thought you were wonderful.”
“Excellent timing, boychick,” said Taako, oozing sarcasm. “Wowed her right out of her little argyle socks, there.”
“They’re lavender polka-dot mid-calfs, sir.”
“Whatever. You, my little man, need to learn how to talk to her when she’s in the same room or you’ll still be flirting towards each other in your old age.”
“Weren’t you too young to be a grandfather just twenty minutes ago?”
*
There they were. Just inches from his face as they danced together at the Neverwinter Charity Ball. They were playing at being a couple, and he’d been told - repeatedly, pointedly, and often rather forcefully - that they made a really good couple.
It would be so easy to lean those last few inches between them and…
No. He needed his noggin intact for this one. So when he kissed her, he kissed gently by her ear, and imparted some vital information about the scuzzbucket they were tracking.
From there, it was just business. He could deal with business.
Unfortunately for his deepest desires…
*
It had been one hell of a fight. A sewer chase, battle with random underground factions, and finally a last-ditch chase across half of New Halverdale… but they got the asshole.
Agatha leaped into Angus’ arms, fully intending to fuse his brain out like always but… this time… he won the grapple roll.
Dipped her.
And planted one.
Squarely.
Passionately.
Desperately.
On. Her. Lips.
It was like being hit with Feeblemind after a dozen fine wines whilst riding on the Hurlsalot rollercoaster. It was like diving into a box of the worlds’ best chocolates that had no bottom. It was like filling up with stars from toe to tip until she wanted to explode.
She was left even more out of breath than the chase had pulled out of her. Weaker than the run had drained her. More confounded and confused than a butterfly in a windstorm.
She wanted to say, “Been saving that up?” but no intelligible words came out. She could feel the blush filling her face as sound did finally pour out of her.
“Hee hee hee hur hur hur…”
“I’ve wanted to do that for years,” said Angus, also red-faced and giggly. Also filthy, singed around the corners, and effectively wearing rags. “More?”
Agatha said, “Hee hee hee hur hur hur,” and nodded enthusiastically.
Taako, also filthy, singed around the corners, and wearing battle-damaged clothing, sighed and muttered. “Great. Now they’ve both caught it.”
[TAZ Prompts Remaining: 9]
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